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My husband John, petting Xigou, a miniature German Shepherd dog

My husband John gave Xigou one last pet before we parted last summer, never knowing it would be his last.

When John and I returned to his home in the countryside, we had a new voice — or should I say, sound — marking our arrival: a dog’s barking.

To be sure, this wasn’t exactly a welcome. The dog, who looked like a miniature German Shepherd, growled and bared its teeth, until my mother-in-law admonished him and shooed him away, to let us in the door. Well, he was only doing his job, as my mother-in-law put it: “He’s a guard dog.”

How could John and I have known then that the dog, affectionately known as Xigou, would become one of our favorite companions during the summer? We whiled away many a blissful moment just rubbing his belly or chasing him playfully around the yard. Even when we left John’s family home, we took pictures with Xigou and gave him one last belly rub, which caused the little guy to roll over excitedly many times.

But, for Xigou, it wasn’t all wanton pleasure, all the time — especially when John’s godfather, who had given the dog to John’s family, came over to see the dog. I once peered out a bedroom window, where I saw Xigou recoil timorously before the godfather, who then whipped him a couple of times — not for any obvious transgression by Xigou, but almost as if to remind Xigou of his subservience in the grand scheme of life there. Xigou yelped desperately, perhaps hoping someone like me or John would protect him from the pain. Continue reading Speaking of China »

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Rainbow gay pride flag

How does China view gay families?

Different Kind of Wonderful asks:

I want to start this off by saying I have sooo many questions. I am currently dating a Chinese man. Obviously, we are both gay. However, both of us want marriage and kids. Marriage is something we unfortunately can’t enjoy in both of our countries. Just like your relationship with John, I’ve found that our relationship has progressed rather quickly. I.E. – We’re already talking about marriage and kids. My question to you is:

How are “not-so-normal” families seen or reacted to in China? More particularly, the cities? Continue reading Speaking of China »

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Finding patience

Has China helped you learn patience?

One Saturday morning in Spring 2005, about 10 minutes before crawling from bed, I heard it — a screeching sound akin to scratching a blackboard with your fingernails, but magnified more than 100 times over. Yes, just a little good old welding and drilling in the name of redecorating yet another apartment in my neighborhood, a process that happened seven days a week, from morning to evening, for as long as two to three months.

Sounds like this used to bring out my worst side (a side that, regretfully, I’d even bring outdoors on occasion to shout something I’d regret later).

But not this time. I yawned, rolled over, and then slept the rest of that 10 minutes (with a clear conscience). And when I did finally rise, I didn’t even have any residual hangover of rage when I finally rose from bed.

What a milestone — but it wasn’t the only one. Continue reading Speaking of China »

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Online chat in China

What's the motivation for Chinese men to meet foreign women online? And should you meet up with him alone? (photo by Michaela Kobyakov)

ChatGirl asks:

Some of your advice to get out there and meet people led me to putting up an ad on a Chinese website. About 60 people added me to QQ in the last two days!

There is someone I have been speaking to from online that I did a video chat with and I really liked him but he is in Shanghai and wanted to meet in Hangzhou but I felt unsafe going to a city I don’t know so well with no other friends there to meet a stranger.

I hear a lot of bad things about online dating in China, that not so many Chinese do it. I was actually only looking for friends and not boyfriends or to fall in love or anything like that but I can’t imagine the men I meet will have the same expectation. And then maybe some are just contacting me because they think foreign women are easy?

So my question is: what do you or John think the motivation is for Chinese men contact girls on such a website? Do you think there is any chance for a geniune person to be looking for not just an English teacher or a ticket to another country or amusement because you are different? And is it safe to meet someone without friends present even if they look harmless (and cute)? Continue reading Speaking of China »

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Cute clothing from China

Before I went to China, I never believed in wearing cute pastels. But after living in the Middle Kingdom, adorable outfits slowly creeped into my wardrobe, and changed forever just how I saw clothing (photo by marco microbi reckmann)

Before I went to China, I couldn’t even remember the last time I wore a pastel. I’d exorcised everything pale pink and peach from my closet, instead preferring the deep, scruffy olives and maroons and blacks of my thrift-store wardrobe. No one would mistake me for some prep princess, ever.

But over the years, pastels started creeping into my wardrobe. It started with a T-shirt here, a tank top there. And before you know it, I’m wearing an outfit — just as I did yesterday — that would leave the old me screaming in horror: a cheerful pastel striped knit tank with blinding white cargo shorts (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!).

China changed me.

I’ll never forget my first full day in the Middle Kingdom. I dressed in my usual, defiant clothes — a military green knit top, and don’t-mess-with-me khaki shorts, baggy (just to make me look even more dominant) — as I flitted from one famous Beijing site to another. The Forbidden City. Beihai Park. Tian’anmen Square.

But as I wandered around town, I couldn’t help but notice the young Chinese women — and what they wore. Continue reading Speaking of China »

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Affair with a Married Chinese Man

Advice for a reader tangled up in love with a married Chinese man

DangerousLiaisons asks:

I’m a 24 year old American woman with a problem — I’m having an affair with a married Chinese man. I didn’t want to get involved with someone who is married, but he and I just have this amazing connection, and chemistry. The thing is, I know he has a child, but he tells me he loves me and enjoys being together with me.

I’m worried about what other people might think of us, as I think some of my coworkers know. I also wonder if there’s any chance we might actually be able to be together (he once talked about leaving his wife), and if we’d ever be accepted as a real couple. What do you think?

—-

When it comes to extramarital affairs in China, you’re not alone. According to the 2010 study by Zhang, approximately 15 percent of Chinese men and 5 percent of Chinese women have affairs.

Historically, Chinese men used to have the right to multiple partners, even purchasing concubines that would live together with their wife. That’s an illegal practice now, but that doesn’t stop men from looking for an ernai (mistress) to support on the side. For many Chinese men, mistresses are still a status symbol, just like their Mercedes or BMW.

Should your coworkers know, they probably won’t be surprised. Continue reading Speaking of China »

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The term "Chinese food," like many generalized categories, hides a richness and diversity beneath it all.

HYBRID AMBASSADORS: a blog-ring project of Dialogue2010
You met our multinational cultural innovators this spring in a roundtable discussion of hybrid life at expat+HAREM. Now in these interconnected blog posts they share reactions to a recent polarizing book promotion at the writing network SheWrites. Join the discussion on Twitter using #HybridAmbassadors or #Dialogue2010

Last summer, my Chinese husband and I swept through central China on a whirlwind tour of the highlights, from Shaolin Temple to the Terracotta Warriors to Chengdu’s gardens. Everywhere we went, we sampled local culinary fare — all Chinese — with as much gusto as the tourist draws — but not every meal went smoothly, especially not with my husband.

A dinner in Xi’an, infused with the aromatic flavors of the silk road. had him running for the bathroom later that night. Another Xi’an lunch the following day — noodles stewed in an exotic spiced broth — left him desperate to leave the region for our next stop: Sichuan.

He described the problem like this: “The spices disagree with me.” This was Chinese food, yet he spoke of it like many of the Western foods he would push away, claiming them as too foreign for his palate.

Thing is, there’s nothing so extraordinary about that. “Chinese food” encompasses such a variety of flavors, cooking styles and signature dishes that, chances are, most Chinese people and Chinese food aficionados would probably dislike at least one, if not more, of the foods available. I sure do. In fact, as a vegan, I probably eat far less Chinese food than almost everyone entranced with this broad style of cooking.

So it’s no wonder that the term “Chinese food” has little meaning to me. Continue reading Speaking of China »

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Xiyang Lou, Yuanmingyuan Park, the Old Summer Palace

Yuanmingyuan Park, or the Old Summer Palace, is a living symbol of foreign aggression against China

Just across from the Western gate of Tsinghua University, one of China’s proudest institutions, sits a quiet reminder of foreign aggression on China and past humiliation — Yuanmingyuan Park (圆明园遗址), or the Old Summer Palace.

The Qing Dynasty royal family lived and handled government affairs from Yuanmingyuan for more than 100 years, using the Forbidden City for ceremonial purposes. But, during the Second Opium War, British and French troops stormed into Beijing, destroying the buildings and plundering their valuable treasures. The devastation left only a few token Chinese structures intact, but even those were later burned down during the Boxer Rebellion. The barbaric destruction by foreigners inflicted more than enough destruction, and things went downhill from there — the land was abandoned by the end of the Qing Dynasty, and even, for a period of time, used by local farmers for agricultural land. Fortunately, the Chinese governmental finally reclaimed the place in the 1980s as a historical site, and visitors have trickled in ever since. Continue reading Speaking of China »

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Tiger on the prowl

When August in China comes, the Autumn Tiger is on the prowl with a ferocious heat that knocked me over more than once (photo by Wong Mei Teng)

Come August, the summer bears its true canines as the temperatures leap above 35 degrees with a ferocious humidity. You find yourself devoured by a wave of sizzling moisture every time you step out onto the streets, and overcome by a dizziness, almost like prey stunned in the chase, that has you reaching for your traditional Chinese sunstroke meds (Huo Xiang Zhengqi Wan is mine). That’s when you know it’s here — the Autumn Tiger.

Like the American “Dog Days of Summer,” the Autumn Tiger prowls over much of China — including the Yangtze River Delta I know so well — in August. But while Americans imagine a dog, defenseless with its tongue out, desperate for relief, China imagines one of the fiercest wild felines attacking the country with a heatwave — because the Autumn tiger means some deadly weather.

I knew why my Chinese friends and family feared the season — the sunstroke, suntans (undesirable in a country that worships whiteness), and stagnant air. But I had no trepidation over rising temperatures. As a summer-born girl — and a Leo — I had a fondness for these months of endless sunshine, even if the humidity stuck to your body like spandex. Just the thought of summer ushered in thoughts of celebration, vacation, and inspiration.

Until August, 2004, that is.

On August 3, I awoke early that morning slathered in an unwelcome sweat. Continue reading Speaking of China »

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Little Emperor

Dating a Little Emperor? An American woman wonders what's up with her self-absorbed Chinese boyfriend.

The Emperor’s Girlfriend asks:

I’m an American who has lived in China for several years and has recently started dating a Chinese man (about 4 months ago).  I entered into the relationship somewhat hesitantly but hopefully, determined to “sniff out the air” before really committing to a relationship.  Since the beginning a few things have kind of bothered me but I have only recently been able to put my finger on it.  I’m dating one of China’s “Little Emporer’s” all grown up (28 and not an only child but near enough…his sister is 10 years younger…and even he admits he’s the family favorite).

No, he’s not a spoiled-rotten, tantrum-throwing ego-maniac. There’s no way I would put up with that.  But, there’s a certain self-centric way of looking at things: from a near-sulkiness when a plan doesn’t go the way he expected (it dissapates quickly but not before I’ve caught a glimpse in his tone or his face) to a love of praise and often an expection that praise should come even for the smallest thing.  There are other, more specific examples but I see a man who struggles to put the needs/thoughts of others before his own.

He’s not without merits: he can be very kind (just don’t thwart and a plan or an assumption of a plan or witness Mr. Sulky), he’s very devoted and close to his family (a fact which I find extremely admirable and freaks me out at the same time) and many others. But he does have trouble sympathizing with others, has a confidence that strays at times into arrogance, and I wonder if the generosity I see him show is only motivated by the fact that it gains the admiration of others.

I’ve studied and read about the socialological implications of the One-Child policy and the effects of Birth Order on personality and relationships (I’m a quinnessential middle child), but seeing the results of a child, now man, who has clearly been doted upon, up close and personal has me reeling a bit and has caused us to bump heads more than once.

I’m curious to hear your opinion on this. Continue reading Speaking of China »

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