AMWF Family Needs Help: New Mother with Brain Cancer

One of the greatest joys of blogging has been the opportunity to meet incredible people in the AMWF community around the world and learn their stories. A little over two years ago, I met a wonderful guy named Logan Lo, happily married to a woman named Alison McCarthy. They’re such a lovely couple that if there were a magazine for the AMWF community, they’d look perfect on the cover.

Alison and Logan LoLogan Lo went on to write two of my favorite guest posts for Speaking of China – Why limit yourself? Logan Lo shares his interracial dating story and Did You Know Hollywood’s 1st Sex Symbol Was an Asian Man? I always hoped the best for Logan and his family.

In fact, 2015 was looking like a bright and beautiful year for this couple. On November 3, 2015, Alison gave birth to a healthy baby boy named Nathan. But five days later, tragedy struck Alison – she had a seizure, caused by a very serious brain tumor. Here’s the full story from the family’s YouCaring page:

On November 3rd, my sister Alison gave birth to her first child, a beautiful baby boy named Nathan. Five days later while recuperating at home, Alison suddenly had a seizure and was rushed to the hospital where a CT scan showed a large mass in her brain. Tragically, a biopsy has confirmed that Alison has a high grade glioblastoma brain tumor, a very aggressive form of brain cancer. Alison’s tumor is inoperable and average life expectancy is less than 18 months without treatment.

Because of this, the family is desperately raising funds to help save Alison and support the family during this difficult time. Here’s the explanation:

We are hoping to raise funds for Alison and her husband Logan as unfortunately their insurance is not accepted at leading cancer-centers like Memorial Sloan Kettering or for clinical trials with experimental treatments which are options we would like to have for her. Alison will also not be able to work for the foreseeable future and Logan cannot work full time as he is caring for Alison and their baby. The loss of income and added expenses will be financially devastating for this new family. Your donations will go to help pay for medical treatments, travel expenses, and childcare and are crucial in our fight to save Alison. The Brain Tumor Foundation estimates the cost of treating a brain tumor at more than $450,000 and says costs of treating a brain tumor can reach $700,000 in a lifetime.

This whole situation just breaks my heart. I know what it’s like when someone who means the world to you is fighting for their life – I’ve witnessed it with my own mother, and it is not a situation I would wish on anyone, especially a young couple with a new baby.

Logan Lo, Alison and new baby NathanIt’s been extremely hard on Logan, as you can imagine. Here’s what he first wrote about his wife’s situation:

I once said that all stories end sad; every relationship that matters will always end in tears. That’s the nature of the world. But I think the unexpected tragedies are the hardest. That’s when life knocks you to your knees and you can’t stand up again.

My wife is sick. And on top of the sickness, we have all the bonuses that come with the sickness – the fear, the uncertainty, the loss of control, etc.

Yet I hold out hope that somehow, this isn’t all of our story. That we can find a happy sequel to this news. And in the end, I want what everyone wants when they love someone – for them to stay.

Please stay with us. Please stay with me.

He also blogged about staying with his wife in the hospital, even though it meant sleeping on the floor beside her bed:

When my wife first got sick, I slept on the floor next to her hospital bed for a week. Said I did it because I didn’t want her to be alone, which was true. But equally true was that I didn’t want to be alone either.

Nurse: You can’t sleep here.
Me: (lying down) Let’s find out.

I’m sorry for the lack of updates – especially to those that have so generously donated.

On December 10th, Alison was unresponsive so we rushed her to the hospital. There, the doctors had to remove part of her skull to save her life. They said she might not survive the night. I fell to my knees.

But she survived. Then she had another surgery just a week later. That’s three brain surgeries in a month, just days after giving birth.

To say that my wife is crazy tough is like saying that New York City is a small town. She’s made of steel.

Unfortunately, she’s been in the hospital since the 10th and will be for quite a while. I’m there most days; other days, other relatives are with her.

This is not how we imagined our first Christmas and New Year’s as a family.

Still, I go to the hospital and have bread with her when she’s able. When she’s not, I just sit there. And we dream of home.

He also blogged about his first Christmas with Alison as a family, where Alison called him out of the blue, frightened because she had forgotten why she was in the hospital and what had happened to her:

Dunno how doctors regularly give bad news. Where do they find the strength to tell someone that that their lives are in grave jeopardy on the regular? Do they drink every night at their desk?

Me: …he said you might not wake up. But you did. Then he said you might be permanently damaged…
Her: (horrified)
Me: …but you’re not. And then another doctor said he had to open you again and said you might not come back, but you did. This cancer has been wanting to kill you but you just won’t let it.

Somewhere along the line, the alarms that were going off because of her rapid heartbeat, stopped ringing. And she started breathing normally again. Her voice became stronger.

Her: I can’t believe this is my life.
Me: (sighing) This woman once said, You don’t have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you’re holding. It’s a ___ hand, but you’ve been playing the hell out of them. We’re all so proud of you.

Then I took her phone and explained everything a third time – this time via a recording on her phone. And I titled it: WATCH ME!

Told her that if she woke up again and didn’t know where she was, she could watch that and wait for me. Because I would always be on my way.

I’m writing about Logan Lo and his wife Alison to ask for your support.

If you can support the family through donations (please donate through their YouCaring page), that’s wonderful.

But even if you cannot donate, you can also support them by simply sharing their story through social media. In doing so you’ll help them garner more support and ultimately more donations.

In the meantime, I’ll be keeping Logan Lo and Alison in my thoughts – and wishing them a Happy New Year that includes a full recovery for Alison.

My Best Posts on Speaking of China in 2015

As we say farewell to 2015, I’d like to share the best posts on this site – including the top five by views and my five own personal favorites.

 The Top 5 Posts by Views:

#5: How could I forget about the cultural differences in my intercultural marriage?
Earlier in 2015, someone asked me during an interview, “Tell me about some cultural differences between you and your husband.” You would have thought I had a million things to say on the topic. But I didn’t — and as it turned out, I realized there was a very important reason why.

#4: Why I’m tired of hearing “you’ll have a hard life” about interracial relationships.
Loving versus Virginia may have paved the way for legal interracial marriage in the US, but it sure didn’t stop people from telling you how “tough” it’s going to be. I shared my reasons why I’m tired of hearing this — and turns out, this post spoke to many of you.

#3: Is Beijing Becoming Dangerous for Couples of Foreign Men and Chinese Women?

This past Christmas, a number of Embassies in Beijing issued warnings of possible attacks on Westerners in the Sanlitun area — prompting many of us to recall how a Chinese woman just married to a French man was stabbed to death in August 2015. I posted about this incident back in August, and it got a lot of you talking.

#2: 3 Challenging Things About Meeting the Parents for People in Intercultural/Interracial Relationships.
When John first told his parents about me, here’s what his father said: “You can be friends with foreign women but not date them.” Yikes.

It’s challenging when you’re meeting the parents and you’re in an intercultural and/or interracial relationship — and these three major challenges I shared resonated with a lot of you.

#1: 4 Habits I’ve Learned from my Chinese Husband.
I had a lot of fun writing this post and sharing some of the things I’ve picked up from my marriage to John — and more of you enjoyed it than any other post in 2015.

My 5 Personal Favorites (In Order of Appearance in 2015):

“What will they think?” The fear of being seen as a failure before family at Chinese New Year.
Chinese New Year is one of those times when it seems like everyone in the family makes it their business to criticize your life. And it’s not always easy.

Why it’s a really bad idea to teach your spouse your language.
Why “pillow talk” is not necessarily one of the secret language learning hacks — and how teaching your spouse your language could wreak havoc in your marriage.

Mom, if only you could have known the person I became after China.
This Mother’s Day tribute to my late mother became the inspiration for a piece I wrote for the Wall Street Journal.

The Courage to Blog Personally About Love, Family and Marriage in China.
When a reader wrote to say she thought I was courageous in sharing my personal stories online, her words inspired this post.

Why Did I Assume I Would Stay Single in China?
After Rosie in Beijing publicly explored some of her own prejudices in a post titled, “Why Did I Assume I’d Never Find a Man to Date in China?”, I realized I had a similar story to share — and ended up writing this post.

What would you like to see me write about in 2016?

The Best Guest Posts on Speaking of China for 2015

(Photograph by Williams + Hirakawa, via http://www.lamag.com)
(Photograph by Williams + Hirakawa, via http://www.lamag.com)

One of the greatest joys of this blog has been opening it up to other voices and sharing fascinating stories and views from people around the world. I love running guest posts so much that my Fridays have become almost exclusively devoted to you – whether it’s your stories, posts, and questions or interviews with authors.

As 2015 comes to a close, I’d like to salute the top five guest posts on Speaking of China by views. And remember, if you have a great idea for a post that would fit this site, check out my submit a post page and contact me today.

#5: Everything Happens For A Reason (Even Finding Love + A New Life in Taiwan).
This lovely post by Constance of Foreign Sanctuary captures all of the wonder of unexpectedly finding a home and husband abroad. Even better, it comes with a sampling of Constance’s own photography.

#4: Will I keep my Asian surname? Am I Asian? Am I Western?
Serina Huang (a fantastic writer, blogger, mother and frugalista many of us know as the Taiwanxifu) opened up to us in this incredibly personal post, writing, “Now that I am no longer with my Taiwanese husband, I am beginning to rediscover and question who I am. Will I keep my Asian surname? Am I Asian? Am I Western?”

#3: AMWF TEDx Talk on Why Asian Male/Western Female Couples Are Rare.
Wang Jia, who blogs about culture, race and relationships at WhyAMWF.wordpress.com, asked me to share his talk with you — and it turned out to be a huge hit among readers.

#2: That 4th of July When I Met My White Girlfriend’s Racist Grandpa.
One of my favorite new bloggers this year was Big Asian Package — and this story he wrote about this encounter during a summer party got lots of comments and views.

#1: Fair to Say Asian Men Prefer White Women?
When Big Asian Package posed this question in his guest post, it really caught your attention — enough to make it the number one guest post of the year.

What were your favorite guest posts on this site for 2015? What voices would you like to see featured here in 2016?

On Having the Christmas Blues in China

Christmas in China might sound cool and exciting -- but sometimes it's not as fun as it seems
Christmas in China might sound cool and exciting — but sometimes it’s not as fun as it seems

This year marks my third consecutive Christmas I will have spent in China since moving back here in November of 2013. I’d love to say it’s all tinsel, glitter and joy — but as I’ve learned over the years, it’s not always easy to spend the holidays in a country that doesn’t celebrate them.

Add to that the fact that I’ve come down with the flu twice this month (maybe three times — my throat is feeling scratchy as a I write this) and you’ve got a holiday season that really doesn’t have much of a holiday feel to me. Sigh.

That said, I know I’m not alone in this feeling.

Last year when I wrote about The Ups and Downs of Spending Christmas Abroad (in a Country That Doesn’t Celebrate It), lots of you wrote in to say how much that post touched you. (And I was touched to see my words resonate with so many others.)

So this year, I’m once again sending you on to The Ups and Downs of Spending Christmas Abroad (in a Country That Doesn’t Celebrate It):

Initially, I had this perfect little holiday-themed post all sketched out to run today. It would snappy, upbeat and fun. Everything Christmas should be, right?

But after I let it sit for a day and revisited it, I realized it didn’t hit the right note with me. The thing is, I wasn’t feeling snappy, upbeat or fun.

I didn’t like the idea of having to force a happy face out there when it wasn’t the truth. The heaviness in my heart that weighed upon me as I stared at the computer screen told me I just couldn’t run that post in good conscience – not when I’m still facing my own share of ups and downs over spending Christmas in China, a country that doesn’t officially celebrate it.

You can read the full post here.

Have yourselves a Merry little Christmas wherever you are in the world — and sending you hugs and understanding from China.

Photo Essay: Walking in a (China) Winter Wonderland

Okay, don’t hate me for saying this, but…here in China, I actually look forward to the winter.

I know, I know. This is winter after all. The coldest season of the year!

But here in the Hangzhou region, winter happens to be one of the best seasons for hiking. And ever since we’ve discovered a beautiful little hideaway in the mountains, it’s become our own private “winter wonderland” for evening walks.

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When John and I happen to stay at his family home in rural Hangzhou, the best part of our afternoon comes when we pull on our fleece (or nowadays, down) jackets and head for the hills.

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The first time we discovered this corner of the mountains, I think my heart stopped. I couldn’t believe how utterly beautiful the scenery was. Or how it was literally just a short drive from his parents’ home in the countryside.

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It always feels like these hills are filled with treasures, even in the winter. Just look at the Persimmon trees just behind me. They may have lost their leaves long ago, but those ruby-red persimmons still cling to the branches, just daring you to pick them.

1444284656697Mountain springs flow down the hillside, creating lovely little waterfalls like this one.

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There’s even quite the waterfall running straight through this gorge — and it’s best viewed in the wintertime.

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Sometimes the clouds even put on a show for us.

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Wishing you a a very happy holiday season! And may you too find your own private winter wonderland, wherever you are in the world!

 

RIP Elsie Tu: Hong Kong Activist, Politician & AMWF “Grandma”

Elsie Tu and Andrew Tu in 1995

Last week, the world collectively mourned the passing of Elsie Tu on December 8, 2015 at age 102, a woman who fought for social justice, became a renowned politician in pre-1997 Hong Kong, and ultimately left a lasting impact on the region. Some dubbed her “the real spirit of Hong Kong.” But did you know that Elsie Tu, who was originally from England, was also married to Andrew Tu for over 25 years, making her one of our AMWF grandmothers as well?

Here’s a brief background on Elsie Tu from her Wikipedia page:

Born and raised in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, England, Tu moved to Hong Kong in 1951 following a period as a missionary in China. She became known for her strong antipathy towards colonialism and corruption, as well as for her work for the underprivileged. She fought for gay rights, better housing, welfare services, playgrounds, bus routes, hawker licenses and innumerable other issues and her campaigning is credited with leading to the establishment of the Independent Commission Against Corruption (ICAC) in 1974.

In their remembrance of Elsie Tu, the South China Morning Post called her a “veteran Hong Kong politician and champion of the underprivileged”:

Tu, a former Urban Councillor and lawmaker regarded as a pro-Beijing figure, was well-known for her outspoken manner. The centenarian still actively turned in articles to newspapers to criticise government policies she deemed unfair or inadequate….

Turning a brand new page of her life, she met the late Andrew Tu Hsueh-kwei. The pair co-founded Mu Kuang English School in 1954.

Theirs was a long-blossoming relationship. It was not until 1985 that their friendship led to marriage – 30 years after the two teachers met. She was 71, her husband 63….

Remembering her late father’s teaching of helping those in need, Tu decided to delve into politics, in 1963.

Elsie Tu became a household name after she won election to Urban Council in 1963….

In the 1970s, Tu decided to take on the city’s corruption.

Her consistent effort was one of the forces that drove the colonial government to set up an unprecedented department, the Independent Commission against Corruption, in 1974.

Wow. The South China Morning Post also has a wonderful article detailing her extraordinary life and achievements in photos.

Elsie Tu’s life inspires me deeply. Here is a woman who devoted herself to serving others. She truly wanted to make the world a better place. As this article noted, “Each year she made the same very public wish: “We can have a world at peace instead of all wanting to fight.”

Let’s take a moment to remember this incredible woman. Thank you, Elsie Tu, for all that you have done, and may you rest in peace.

P.S.: Thanks to Susan Blumberg-Kason for tipping me off to this news.

“When True Love Came To China” Shanghai Book Launch Dec 13 @ M on The Bund

When True Love Came to China by Lynn PanJust wanted to pass this info on to anyone in the Shanghai area. I haven’t read the book yet, but the topic sounds fascinating and I’m sure it would appeal to many of you out there! Here are the details from M on the Bund’s website:

Sunday December 13th, 4pm
Tickets 75 rmb (includes a drink)

When True Love Came to China

What does ‘love’ mean to the Chinese? How did its meaning in pre-modern China differ from how it was understood in the contemporary West? Does the Chinese way of love confirm or contradict the widely accepted theory that romantic love was invented in Europe and is uniquely Western? How was the experience of romantic love by Chinese writers and readers altered by their exposure to European works like Goethe’s The Sorrows of Young Wertherand Alexandra Kollontai’s The Loves of Three Generations, and to the Japanese enthusiasm for the now obscure love guru Ellen Key? What ways of escape, from celibacy to adultery, were sought by Chinese men who pursued Western love ideals even as they were trapped in loveless arranged marriages?

Lynn Pan, who has published more than a dozen books including Shanghai Style and Old Shanghai: Gangsters in Paradise, addresses these and many other questions in her new book When True Love Came to China.

Here’s a map to M on the Bund in Shanghai. And for more information about this event, you can contact M on the Bund.

Guest Post: Why We Are Not Married (Yet)

Betty of Betty Has A Panda has lived happily with Mr. Panda in Vienna, Austria for over seven years. But they’re not married — and it has led to lots of uncomfortable questions, including questions Betty has asked herself.

Do you have a story you’d like to share here on Speaking of China? We’re always on the lookout for terrific guest posts. Check out the submit a post page for more on how to have your writing featured here.
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(Photo by Nick Nguyen)

I am tired. Tired of all the ‘Why are you not married? Do you want to break up?” questions, or the pronouncements of ‘Oh, he is ONLY your boyfriend!’ Tired of explaining our allegedly ‘not-so-serious’ relationship and why we are not married (yet). While I think that this little detail of saying ‘I do!’ is not of any concern to anyone, I do not want to see others belittle our relationship just because we did not seal our relationship in front of a random registrar (yet). Is our relationship not worth as much as that of someone who is already married? This could be due to varied reasons, liberal worldviews, no bureaucratic obstacles, or bad role models. Beyond doubt, not being married does not make our relationship less worthy, and to answer all of those questions: we do not plan to break up. Not now, and also not in the future. Why would we date and live together for more than seven years now? Mr. Panda and I have our reasons to shack up.

Let me start at the beginning. Parents’ relationships can sometimes be a disastrous example to their children, which can make it hard for their children to connect with others – emotionally and legally. Mr. Panda’s parents are not exactly how I would imagine devoted parents. You could actually say they are as loving and caring as a metal scouring pad. Mr. Panda was the unplanned latecomer, and was therefore always made responsible for all troubles brewing in Chinese parent’s fragile marriage. Albeit they already split up three times before Mr. Panda was born, and came back together again. Mean teasing and verbal insults were on top of their daily agenda — not what one might expect in a loving and caring relationship. Of course divorce is absolutely prohibited. Instead, they continue to live with each other, leaving both their children emotionally crippled und almost unable to be in a working relationship with someone.

On top of that, only soon after Mr. Panda and I started dating, another event aggravated Mr. Panda’s beliefs in the whole social construct called marriage. As another blow of fate, Mr. Panda’s older brother, married to a woman from the Middle East with two children, filed for divorce due to cultural and personal disagreements – and told his parents only six months later. He had been married for quite some time, but sadly, in the end, it did not work out. While both of them separated without any bad feelings, the parents’ world collapsed. Mr. Panda’s mom cried for weeks, begging and commanding them not to separate, but naturally nothing helped. Soon after, the former wife moved out, and cracked the last intact pieces of Mr. Panda’s mom’s picture of a perfect family. I consoled her for weeks, trying to put her sorrows about her grandchildren at ease. Her faith in functioning marriages was busted, and as a result Mr. Panda is even more scared now. He is not scared that our relationship will break apart. But the only two marriages around him just did not work out. The reason why he did not propose to me so far? He is scared our relationship might end after marriage, and to a certain degree I can understand his (baseless) anxiety.

What is my excuse? I was busy with my studies, and time just flew by far too fast. Just in a blink of an eye, many years passed by. Up until now, I did not really care whether we said ‘I do!’ or not. We had no need to rush because we are not in desperate need of a visa. We are not pressured to do so because of some religious beliefs. We just spend our days happily together.

But this year, one thing led to another. I found out about the big AMWF community on the internet, which was all about happily married (intercultural) couples with their beautiful wedding photos. Furthermore, we were invited to a summer wedding by one of my friends, and another one of my good friends got engaged. Thanks to these events I also developed an urge to marry Mr. Panda, and I started to believe that it would actually draw us closer together.

It is a fact that nothing in our relationship will change after we marry. We will both live our lives together as we did up until now. We will both be just as serious about us being happy together and passionate about our relationship as we are now. We both will be the same individuals as ever. And still, here I am, apparently forgetting my liberal beliefs, letting my modern world break down over a marriage certificate I don’t need, while I am waiting for him to take the first step.

The last few months, we talked elaborately about this topic, I tried to discuss his fears and about how we both felt about marriage. But as expected, he did not want to talk about his feelings. Our conversations were rather rational. However, some time ago, he confessed to me that he was thinking about us and our future very hard for quite some time now. He asked me to be patient — that I should wait a little more — making me all excited. Hopefully, traumatized Mr. Panda can gather all his courage soon and will finally propose.

Betty and Mr. Panda live in Vienna, Austria, where she shares fascinating stories about their more than seven years together at www.bettyhasapanda.com.
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Speaking of China is always on the lookout for outstanding guest posts! If you have something you’d like us to feature, visit the submit a post page for details — and then submit yours today.

That Shanghai Christmas My Chinese Husband Forgot The Presents

I’ve come down with a huge cold recently and wasn’t able to write up something new for you this week, as I had hoped. But the good news is, I have a classic story that I wrote up as a guest post for Beijing Cream a few years ago — one I haven’t shared with you before. And because it’s a Christmas story (and the Christmas season has just begun) I thought you might enjoy it. 

In the meantime, I’m going to pop some Tylenol, burrow under the covers, and watch a few classic Christmas movies. 🙂

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Christmas in ChinaWhen you spend Christmas in China as an expat, it’s easy to feel a little forgotten by the holiday season. But in 2004, when I lived in Shanghai, I had just visited the Shanghai Marriage Bureau to register with my Chinese sweetheart, John — a man who I had spent the previous two Christmases with — so I considered myself somehow immune to that feeling of isolation. Or so I thought.

My employer gave me Christmas off. John also had no classes that day, and promised to take a break from his dissertation work — work that, for the weeks leading up to the holiday, meant lengthy trips to Hangzhou and exhausting late evenings typing away at his computer.

Since I always loved playing “Santa Claus” to John, who of course never grew up with stories of this jolly old man, I presented him with his gifts first — two wool turtleneck sweaters, one in royal blue and another in deep maroon. John beamed at them, and I couldn’t help but smile with pride, knowing I’d nailed the perfect gifts.

“So, what did ‘Santa Claus’ bring me for Christmas?” I asked John. By then, he already understood that “Santa Claus” was our little euphemism for the gifts we gave to one another.

His smile evaporated. “I’m sorry.”

My heart sank as I noticed that no other gifts, cards or bags sat under our tiny artificial tree in the corner. “You forgot?”

Maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised. He never even celebrated Christmas until he met me, and even then, he usually left his gifts in plastic bags under the tree, sometimes even with the receipt. Plus, in late 2004, the pressure to finish the draft of his dissertation before Chinese New Year had probably distracted him so much he didn’t realize that this was, to his foreign wife, as important a time of year as guonian.

Yet I couldn’t think about any of that, not on a morning I had anticipated for weeks. Even a few pairs of socks — something he had been known to buy for me in past Christmases — would have cheered me. But the absence of any gift from my favorite “Santa Claus” only magnified the loneliness and isolation that can come from spending the holidays in a country where Christmas carols are often nothing more than great karaoke tunes. I hung my head and started to cry.

To John, though, my tears were a catalyst. “You wait here, I’m going to find something for you.” He jumped up, threw on his jeans and a sweater, and headed for the door.

A few hours later, a grinning John burst through the door with two plastic bags in hand. “Shengdan kuaile,” he said as he placed them in my hands.

Inside the first bag, I found several pairs of cotton socks in my favorite colors, including red and pink. But from the second, I pulled out a knit scarf and matching hat splashed in waves of brilliant apricot, creamy yellow, and a light toffee brown. Even the style, right down to the button on the brim of the hat, felt as unconventional as the clothes I wore outside the office. Only John could have known I would love this scarf and hat. That thought warmed me from head to toe, even in our drafty apartment, and turned a “forgotten Christmas” into something unforgettable.

P.S.: In the picture below, that’s me wearing the knit heat John gave me for Christmas!

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Guest Post: How I Came to Write Gay (Asian Male/Western Male) Romance Novels

Atom Yang Red Envelope

I’m excited to feature this post from writer Atom Yang, and not just because it’s a beautifully written and compelling story. Today marks the debut of Atom Yang’s first romance novel Red Envelope from MLR Press! Here’s the description:

The Chinese New Year is a time for saying goodbye to the past and hello to the future, but Clint doesn’t want to bid farewell to his cousin’s handsome American friend, Weaver, after they share an unexpected passionate encounter.

The Lunar New Year is the biggest holiday in the Chinese calendar, a time for family reunions, and for saying goodbye to the past and hello to the future. Clint, however, doesn’t want to bid farewell to what happened after last year’s celebration, when he and his Cousin Maggie’s handsome Caucasian friend, Weaver, shared an unexpected but long-desired passionate encounter. East is East and West is West, and Weaver seems to want to keep it that way, but maybe Clint can bridge that great divide this coming New Year, and show Weaver what it means to be loved and accepted.

It’s available on Amazon.com (where your purchase helps support this site) and might just be a wonderful holiday gift for the book lovers in your life. 

Do you have a guest post you’d love to see featured here on Speaking of China? Check out the submit a post page to learn more about how to write for us. 

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Atom Yang Red Envelope

My name is Atom Yang, and I write romance. How I came to write romance took a lot of heartbreak, time, and eventually meeting the man of my dreams (just like in those novels).

Cross-cultural and interracial dating isn’t easy for Asian men, especially in the West. The standards of male beauty differ, and in the East, men are prized for appearing scholarly and refined (even androgynous), with lithe bodies, a sensitive demeanor, and high intelligence. This may also be one of the reasons why Western media perpetuates the stereotype of the sexless Asian male. What it means to be a man in the West today—athletic and rugged, with muscular bodies, stoic and individualistic—is essentially the polar opposite of Eastern ideals of masculinity. It’s no wonder that Asian guys get little game outside of the home court—would you want a ballet dancer to be your offensive lineman?

Years of hearing or reading Sorry, I’m not into Asians or No Asians, fats, or femmes or I love Asians took its toll on my self-esteem, to the point where if the proverbial mirror didn’t crack with my obvious unattractiveness or sole value as a fetish, I’d smash it myself to make it true. This is one of the worst heartbreaks a person can experience: to fall out of love with who they are, and to lose faith in their own beauty and worthiness.

That said, stories about rejection and loneliness all have the potential to be an ugly duckling story, but not the kind where a makeover and montage scene solves the protagonist’s problems and brings the love interest around, because this isn’t about how I changed myself with blue contact lenses and bleached hair and suddenly all the white boys who had said Not racist, just my preference decided that I was acceptable. No, this is the real ugly duckling story, and it’s about becoming who you are, leaving behind those who do not appreciate you, and finding those who do.

Over time and in my travels, I came to realize that people other than those in my hometown found me attractive and unique. My ethnicity makes up a part of who I am, and I would hope that it does because it’s an aspect of my identity that informs both my perspective and my experiences in life—things I need my partner to want to understand.

After two decades, a couple of long term relationships, and longer dating dry spells due to prejudice and my location, I finally met my future partner (he’s of German, Irish, and English descent) online, and he lived four hours away. According to those inscrutable algorithms, we were a 99% match, which I think is math for “soul mate.” I admit it’s been uncannily accurate, but to be clear, we were not matched merely based on our interests—we were also matched according to how we express love, support, and understanding for our partners. The only thing the site couldn’t figure out is if there’d be physical chemistry.

We met in person after chatting for two weeks (I read research about online dating and knew it was important to meet early to prevent unrealistic expectations and to allow the relationship to develop). We had seen each other’s pictures and had expressed initial attraction, but a picture is nothing compared to real life. Our first date would be at a geographical midpoint. I arrived first, and spent time trembling with nervous energy hoping we would feel the same in person as we did on the phone, and then he arrived a few minutes later. It was love at first sight for both of us.

Two more months of dating, and given what we knew and what the site had shown us, we proposed to each other. After four months of doing the long distance thing, we decided that I would close down my practice and move in with him. He came up, helped me pack my life on a rainy day with the wizardry of an international Tetris champion, and we caravanned to his home—our home—stopping for dinner at the midway point at the Moroccan restaurant where we had our first date. Sharing our story with several friends who had been married for years, many revealed their own stories of knowing and proposals after a week or two of dating, with the longevity and satisfaction of their marriage as proof that this sort of thing does happen, and more frequently than previously believed.

Domestic life couldn’t be better, but reestablishing my practice in a new town left me a lot of time on my hands that also left the house extremely clean. Feeling loved, supported, and hot by my partner in a way I hadn’t for almost all of my life, I had the mental and emotional space to begin an endeavor I half-finished due to personal difficulties ten years ago: write stories.

Given the happily ever after ending I’ve been creating, I gravitated toward romance. Working in this genre has been an act of gratitude, hope, and social justice for me. It’s a chance to pay it forward and offer narratives that change and expand the landscape upon which we connect to each other and imagine the possibilities of our lives, so that there might be less heartbreak and wasted time for someone while they find out who they are and where they belong. I came to write romance because it happened to me, and I want to share my fervent belief that we all deserve love, good relationships, and happily ever afters. It can happen. Just like in those novels.

Atom Yang

Atom Yang debuts today with his story, Red Envelope, available from MLR Press.

Atom was born to Chinese immigrant parents who thought it’d be a hoot to raise him as an immigrant, too–so he grew up estranged in a familiar land, which gives him an interesting perspective. He’s named after a Japanese manga (comic book) character his father loved, in case you were wondering.
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