I hate the whole “passive Asian man” stereotype because I don’t think it’s always true. For example, my Chinese boyfriend is a Banquet Captain at a hotel, and sometimes his coworkers will call him to ask where something is or how to set up the banquet hall. The way he takes charge and responds shows that he has a leader in him, and it’s a huge turn on when I see him like that. But then when we hang out, I decide everything, from what we do, to where we eat, and even what we eat sometimes. I don’t mind doing it sometimes, because it basically means he’ll go anywhere I want him to without complaining, yet it gets tiring. I feel like it’s the guy’s role to lead and to decide even just where to eat sometimes. I’ve talked to him about it but his thinking is so different than anyone I’ve ever met (though he doesn’t think so). I can see it from his point of view, but he can’t see mine. And I understand his logic. He honestly does not care what we eat. So even if I tried to make him care, his mind would be a blank. If that’s the case, you’d think it’d be easier for me to just choose a place, right? What should I do?
Whenever my Chinese husband and I go to restaurants, he hands me the menu to place the order. He lets me decide what movies to see at the university movie theater. And when we take vacations, he lets me plan out the details. Sound familiar?
Still, I hate the “passive Asian man” stereotype as much as you do — because it sure isn’t always true for my husband either. He decides where to go out to eat as much, if not more, than I do. He suggests things to do, whether attending a talk at the university or going on a weekend ski trip with classmates. And he really knows how to wow a woman on her birthday.
So, in my opinion, your Chinese boyfriend could step it up a little. And given that he’s done it at the hotel, I don’t see why he can’t do it for your evenings out.
I wonder if he realizes just how much of a burden this is for you (and it does sound like a burden, from your question). I would sit him down and tell him it is – if you haven’t already. Explain to him that he really needs to make decisions, at least some of the time. Otherwise, the responsibility rests on your shoulders all the time. It’s not a matter of who cares more — it’s about sharing this responsibility of arranging your free time.
If that’s no good, next time you go out, choose some really bizarre foreign restaurant, or the kind of movie a guy wouldn’t be caught dead watching. Then see if your Chinese boyfriend still “doesn’t care.”
What advice do you have for MC?
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