When a Chinese Man Buries His Love | Speaking of China

11 Responses

  1. melanie gao
    melanie gao June 11, 2010 at 4:25 am | | Reply

    “Waiting” was such a nice book, that’s a great suggestion.

  2. J
    J June 11, 2010 at 7:05 am | | Reply

    ” Most Chinese men must provide an apartment, a good salary and (increasingly) a car before a woman will say “I do.” Without these — for example, as a cash-strapped student, or a young professional with a pretty empty bank account — he might eschew dating altogether, and and especially if you’re a foreigner. Chinese women already expect a lot, so surely you, the foreign woman, would demand even more. ”

    For some reason your world in China is really different from mine. This really, really depends on what type of Chinese guys you incorporate within your life. What about the Chinese guy who sells fruit down in the street? Is he never going to marry? I think that’s ridiculous. I personally know a bf/gf couple who works down at small diner. They seem completely in love with each other. And there’s another guy at my job who’s married…..and guess what…he doesn’t have an apartment…in fact he lives with 3 other guys (and no, he’s not a migrant farmer or anything). And I know another man who lives with his girlfriend in a rented small room (yeah I said room), there’s all kinds of people in every situation. Maybe the general idea is to provide a house and a car, but there are many, many exceptions to the rule. My girlfriend loves me, and I love her….and guess what…..I just graduated….I don’t have much of anything yet….

    And there ARE Chinese couples who met in college, or even High School.

    Man, what is it with Chinese folks who hang out with foreigners….it always seems to be THAT ONE TYPE. You know what I mean? You’ll rarely see those “other” types hanging with foreigners….so strange.

  3. Richard
    Richard June 11, 2010 at 9:20 am | | Reply

    House, car, and and paycheck? That’s nothing! Girls in Hong Kong expect men to buy them Gucci purses and fancy clothes from 7th grade on. When they get to post-uni level, expectations move up to yacht, villa in Hawaii, and stock options. =P

  4. EuropeanGirl
    EuropeanGirl June 11, 2010 at 11:00 pm | | Reply

    Yes it seems to be that it’s a man’s responsibility to have wealth and buy an apartment for example. And if you can’t do it then it’s loosing face. My boyfriend is not rich and he’s worried what other people think about him so if we get married we try to keep it as a secret that the money is from my side.

    J, What you actually mean with “that one type” and “the other type”? I want to make it clear before my comments 🙂

  5. Friend
    Friend June 11, 2010 at 11:53 pm | | Reply

    I think this is tradition in most parts of the world where men are expected to be main providers. These ideas are hard to die.

    Overall, it kind of depends on the family and couple themselves. There’s Chinese families who still remember what it’s like to struggle, who can give the guys a break. Sometimes. Then there are couples where the wife is the bigger provider, but they kind of pretend the image of the husband being more in control and bringing in the money. It’s a face issue, but don’t get me wrong. There’s a lot of non-Chinese, non-Asian couples who are like that.

  6. zhang
    zhang June 12, 2010 at 3:02 am | | Reply

    I read Ha Jin’s novel ‘Waiting’, it is really a painful story but I believe it is something truly happened 2 decades ago in China, and perhaps largely remain the same in lot of places in nowadays China.

  7. Chris
    Chris June 20, 2010 at 6:35 am | | Reply

    Personally, I believe that once you have enough money to eat, have roof over head, and be clean, love and relationships are infinitely more important than the additional money for things you’d -like- to have. There is a muddy line between needs and wants. If the relationship goes well and everyone’s happy and things have good synergy, then lack of “needs” money is either a non-issue or a very short-term issue.

    People always want more things. Better car, bigger house, and fancy stuff. It is this desperate perception that it is *required* of men to have “lots” of this “wants” money in order to express sincerity in love. To me, that’s bullshit.

    I’ve seen some honest, down to earth guys with close to minimum wage jobs who have great relationships with their wives. Although poor, these guys are full of good humor, love to share, and are super friendly. It’s quite touching actually 🙂

    People these days everywhere need to define a clear line between what they need and what they want, materially speaking.

  8. yamyam
    yamyam July 9, 2012 at 8:38 am | | Reply

    wow the story was a bit similar with us, me and my chinese bf he was my student and im his online english teacher we fell inlove been through a lot of trials including adopting each other cultures though i am also an asian (philippines) i think when it comes to love it has no boundaries we feel the same affection but the strange thing is we have different way on how to expressed it people here from my country became more direct i mean verbaly speaking we expressed our feelings just like the way western do, (maybe because of the influence of a western culture) but him at first he was so reluctant but now he oftenly say ilove you and the good thing he also believes in god because of my religion I guess and my influence though.. this year i’ll be planning to stay with him i hope it will become possible and can’t wait to be with each other forever.. im so happy with him.. 🙂

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