Ask the Yangxifu: How Chinese Men Can Approach Western Women in China | Speaking of China

22 Responses

  1. Mali
    Mali July 23, 2010 at 5:37 am | | Reply

    Hi Jocelyn! I really like to read you blog. In my opinion (I am a western girl, spent some time in China) you point out exactly the do’s and don’t for approaching a (western) woman. I also don’t like it if someone is trying too hard. Personally, I need some time to decide if I want to get in contact with a guy or not (no matter which nationality). If he seems too aggressive and asks for my number right away, I’ll most likely refuse him.

    I wonder if there were more chinese-man-western-woman-couples if chinese guys wouldn’t be so shy 😉 I dated chinese guys in the past, but I also met a lot of them who just stared and didn’t dare to talk to me.

  2. Mali
    Mali July 23, 2010 at 5:46 am | | Reply

    Regarding my English grammar – bu hao yisi! I am not a native speaker…

  3. pu
    pu July 23, 2010 at 6:04 am | | Reply

    Hi Jocelyn! This is a good suggestion for me! I really like your blog! I read lots of your words about Chinese man & white woman’s relationship. But I don’t know how to do, because my English is not good! I read your suggestion, maybe I use Chinese first. I really like caucasian women. Thank you!

  4. Berlin
    Berlin July 23, 2010 at 12:04 pm | | Reply

    Hi Jocelyn, I am a Chinese guy married with two kids, so I am not interested in finding a western girl now, but I just enjoy your writing anyway. I always admire people who can write things in an insightful way, and yet make them crystal clear to the readers. That’s what I felt when I read these posts.

    I guess this kind of clarity is what we need to learn too. Most of us Chinese guys beat about the bush in all sorts of communications. When we feel it is necessary to be straightforward, we risk being aggressive as you described. I guess sometimes we are just not sure where the balance is.

    By the way, I blame “can we be friends” kind of annoying talk on TV. These soap operas make young people believe this is the way to approach a girl 🙂

  5. George
    George July 23, 2010 at 1:58 pm | | Reply

    “I dated chinese guys in the past, but I also met a lot of them who just stared and didn’t dare to talk to me.”

    I hear same thing about Asian-American men, even those born in the US! But, then whites are a majority in this country and US, especially the US South has too much checkered history for such a relationship to prosper, whereas in China the Chinese are the majority and should not matter much unless the woman concerned wants to return home!

  6. George
    George July 23, 2010 at 1:58 pm | | Reply

    …and more thing, recent events in states such as Arizona does not inspire confidence.

  7. Crystal
    Crystal July 24, 2010 at 3:32 am | | Reply

    As the video below shows – if guy follows the first tip (that is, having enough confidence) – he can always get the girl’s number:

  8. Mali
    Mali July 24, 2010 at 4:56 am | | Reply

    Thanks for your reply, Jocelyn 🙂
    I was wondering then: why is it (almost) always the guy who has to approach the girl? Why wouldn’t I go over to him? My theory is: If a chinese guy lacks confidence with western women anyways, he’d probably be even more intimidated and unsecure if he’s not the one making the first step. Uh, and yes, I am kind of shy either 😉 I’d really like to read comments by Chinese people regarding my first point…

  9. J
    J July 24, 2010 at 6:34 am | | Reply

    A great post Jocelyn. In addtion to Jocelyn’s advices, Lads you have to be yourself, use your own charm and style is the best way to approach a girl, no matter where she is coming from.

    To Mali, I think you can make first move, and most of chinese guys won’t think too much of it unless he is very senstive Honestly speaking, almost two third of my previous relationships in europe, it was the girls made first move. It was something like, we had a few conversations from time to time and she asked if I have a girlfriend, here we go. This is one thing I like about european girls, honest and straight forward.

    By the way, for Chinese lads who wonders how to show your interest to a western girl. It is very simple, make a nice and sensible compliments to her and importantly be yourself(ie. your own words).

    Good luck lads

  10. pu
    pu July 24, 2010 at 6:51 am | | Reply

    Hi Mali! I think your question is troubled by Jocelyn. Maybe you can ask Chinese people.
    In my opinion, most of Chinese men are not shy, they are just worry about people’s talking them, or care about people’s thinking. This is Chinese culture. This is Chinese men. By me , I ‘m worry about my English. My English is poor.
    About your first move, you can ask him you like to help, then you can talk each other, know each other… Good luck!

  11. Xiaoheng
    Xiaoheng July 24, 2010 at 11:54 am | | Reply

    Hi Jocelyn,

    Thank you so much for your post. I hava got to konw how to do in the future.You know this post, it gonna be great helpful for my next step. As pu said, Chinese men sometiems do care about what other people talk about them. Sometimes I do. But I do think that no matter how people talk about you, you just do it but be polite, be nice, be friendly. I think no matter it is a chinese girl or western girl, most of girls dont like the boys to be aggressive. Most couples get to konw each other on the basis of normal friendship, and then step forward into next step, then become a love couple.

    About the confidence of Chinese men, I would like to say that most of them have confidence but as i konw from some of my friends, they think that if you want to get to know a western girl, it seem like they dont have so much common and same topics to communicate with each other unless the guy get to know a girl who is interested in China. Otherwise, it will be very difficult to step forward for the next step. Do i say it right, Jocelyn?

    To Mali, as to your first point, sometimes some chinese guys will feel a little be strange when you approach them firstly but of course as i know, later these guys will welcome your first step to get to know each other and build up the friendship firstly. Because at this moment, they find that,” Oh, a girl is interested in me, probably i get a chance to become her boyfriend.” Your first step to both is very useful.

    To J, your idea should be simple but very useful.. Guys must use their charming, talents and wisdoms to build up a good relationship. Right? Be yourself! Obama tells me,” YES, I CAN BE MYSELF.”

  12. George
    George July 24, 2010 at 2:39 pm | | Reply

    “Indeed, Arizona is a sad state of affairs (yes, pun intended).”
    Men are always afraid not just of rejection from the woman, but whether his or her family would accept the relationship, and Arizona does not really help the matter either. After the passage of the Arizonal immigration law, mormons are having a tough time converting Mexicans and foreigners as far as India to their faith!

  13. Peipei
    Peipei July 24, 2010 at 7:35 pm | | Reply

    Hi Jocelyn,
    first of all, I’d like to tell you that I really enjoy reading your blog, although I do not have a Chinese boyfriend, I think your sensitive advices do not only help multinational couples understand each other, but also help build friendships between people who have a different cultural background.
    For me, making me want to get to know a Chinese person better, the most important thing is being treated as an equal. While there are cultural differences we should be aware of, I still feel most comfortable in company of somebody who first and foremost will see me as a person and not just as a foreigner. There’s already enough people out there watching my every step in public, making me feel like a 外星人, so if I spend time with somebody who can ignore the stares and concentrates on the similarities rather than the differencies, I’m lucky and grateful at the same time.

  14. fern
    fern August 1, 2010 at 3:11 am | | Reply

    ” I still feel most comfortable in company of somebody who first and foremost will see me as a person and not just as a foreigner”

    -Peipei yes! That’s how I feel! But why is it so hard to find? 🙁

  15. Li Lan
    Li Lan August 24, 2010 at 7:50 pm | | Reply

    >>>Let’s say you speak to her in English, and she responds in Chinese. Instead of plowing ahead in English, switch to Chinese. Why? First, this lets her know you’re not interested in just using her to practice a language. Second, it will boost her confidence — she’ll think you’re speaking Chinese with her because her Chinese really is good.<<<

    This is excellent advice. Your insight is incredible on this point. I'm a western female and when a Chinese guy plows ahead in English, I feel like I'm being"used" for the English language and nothing else in me matters….! thanks for this column.

  16. Lee
    Lee September 29, 2010 at 11:18 pm | | Reply

    i think language and right topics are the things that hold back chinese guys in approaching western women. some guys know well what topics to have when meeting up girls, no matter she is chinese or westnern, it is the guys’ ability that counts.

    speaking chinese to western woman if she prefers is really a good point, i made mistakes on plowing ahead in English when someone started speaking chinese to me. now i know what to do next time 🙂

  17. Leah
    Leah April 23, 2012 at 12:33 am | | Reply

    Great post & comments as well! Going off of what Peipei said– it’s really refreshing to have an interaction with a Chinese person you’ve just met in which you’re not reminded you’re a foreigner. “How long have you been in China/Where else have you traveled in China/Your Chinese is so good” are all fine icebreakers, but China seems to be the default topic when meeting a foreigner. Any guy who opens with something different really stands out! Basically anything you might say when chatting with a Chinese girl works; I would suggest something related to the location or activity (library, park, store, etc.).

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