Are there any good suggestion on Chinese men how to approach western women? I think I need some advices which are useful for stengthening the communication, understading and respect between two persons from different culture and nationality. Especially I consider that respect the personality is very important to strengthen the relationship between Chinese men and western women. Because, Chinese culture are basically collectivism and western culture are individuallism. Multiculture communication is very important in this part, because I am interested in the multiculture stuff. So that would be very helpful. How do Chinese men respect the western women? I am currently in this situation of looking for my love and look forward to your suggestions.
So, you’re in China, and you can’t keep your eyes off a lovely young foreigner. What do you do?
First of all, exude confidence. They say confidence makes anyone more attractive, including you. Confidence, however, is not about being more aggressive (i.e. shoving your number in her hand, and asking her to be your friend; or flooding her blog with desperate comments, asking her to meet you) — it’s about how you feel about yourself. Do you believe in yourself? And, more importantly, can you see yourself as her equal?
For some Chinese men, it’s hard to imagine being equal to a Western woman. She’s from a more developed country, could be taller than you, and probably earns more (and even weighs more). But this is important, trust me. No matter how much you try to hide it, Western women will sense if you feel unworthy. So feel worthy to be by her side, before you even say “Hello.”
Confidence also means living with failure. You can do everything right, but sometimes she’s just not interested. Remember she isn’t the only single Western woman in China (believe me, there are tons of lonely Western women who would love to talk to a real, honest guy) — and if you think she is, you’re just going to get nervous and be too aggressive, which is a huge turnoff. Instead, be willing to accept defeat and move on, so you’ll be prepared for whatever happens.
Now, how to approach her? As much as possible, do it naturally. What is natural? Basically, don’t make it obvious that you’re walking over to her — don’t stare, don’t walk directly at her. As much as possible, try to make it feel as if you just happened to run into her. For example, let’s say she’s sitting on a bench in the park, reading. You might meander around at a leisurely gait, walking here and walking there, as if you’re looking for the right place to settle down. And then when you finally get over to her, you can ask “Excuse me, is it all right if I sit here?”
Or maybe she’s sitting alone in a cafeteria or a small restaurant, and there’s an empty seat nearby. Walk leisurely through the restaurant so that you happen to pass her, and then you might ask if you could sit down.
Let’s say she’s doing something such as running. Should you go run beside her and start talking to her? Or should you run behind her? No, because it’s too obvious (remember, you want to look as if you just happened upon her). It also makes you look like a stalker, killing (no pun intended) your chances to talk with her.
But let’s say you finally talk to her. What should you say?
I completely agree with this advice from Ask Men — it depends on the situation and on what you observe about her. If you’re approaching her online, it depends on what you’ve read about her.
Just remember: most Western women want true love, or a soulmate, and would prefer a guy with character. I once flirted with a Chinese man who showered me with compliments, love and every poetry — but he had the personality of a mannequin. I moved on, fast.
What not to say? Anything that seems too aggressive, such as “can we be friends?” Remember, most Western women won’t just be your friend because you ask her — you have to earn that friendship.
After you’ve first spoken to her, see how she responds. Is she smiling? Does she seem interested in continuing the conversation? If so, you’ve got a green light to keep talking. This is where the art of conversation comes in handy.
But if she seems evasive, bored, closed off, or not talkative, then back off, give her space, and move on. Never force the conversation — even if you never make a connection, she’ll thank you for being polite (and, additionally, you’ll make Chinese men, as a whole, look that much classier)
A word on language. Let’s say you speak to her in English, and she responds in Chinese. Instead of plowing ahead in English, switch to Chinese. Why? First, this lets her know you’re not interested in just using her to practice a language. Second, it will boost her confidence — she’ll think you’re speaking Chinese with her because her Chinese really is good.
So, suppose the conversation goes well. Should you ask for her number? My suggestion — give her your contact info, and welcome her to get in touch. When I was in China, I always felt nervous when a stranger, someone I just met, asked for my contact info — what if I didn’t want to give it to them? That means I have to decline in front of them — never pleasant — or give a fake phone number. Either way, you’re the loser. Instead, don’t press her for this, and don’t assume she won’t call if she didn’t give you her business card (though, since the possibility is there, just move on to looking for other people, and be pleasantly surprised if she does call you).
No matter where you are in the world, it’s never easy to find “that one” person. Chances are, you won’t succeed the first time you approach a Western woman. But keep trying, keep up your confidence, and who knows? Years from now, you could be telling the tale of how you wooed your Western wife.
P.S.: Not sure how to find her? Read my advice for Chinese men on finding Western women in China.
What advice do you have for Xiaoheng?
Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China (or in Chinese culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.