Ask the Yangxifu: How Chinese men can meet foreign women in China | Speaking of China

34 Responses

  1. ellis
    ellis January 15, 2010 at 11:13 am | | Reply

    Great answers, Jocelyn! I would especially like to second your second and fourth bullet points. As a Western single woman in China who would be very open to a Chinese boyfriend, I have found that many Chinese men seem incredibly intimidated by me. They also seem to want to peg me as a 开放 (“open”) Western girl who is only looking for sex, which is not the case.

    Additionally, I would also say let go of any “inferiority factors” in regards to what Chinese typically favor: a house, a car, etc. Don’t let a lack of those things stop you–I know it stops a fair amount of men here, no matter the nationality of the girl they’re pursuing.

    Also, I echo don’t be too aggressive, but try make it clear you want to date a girl, if you meet her and decide you like her. I have, a few times, found myself in a situation where I wasn’t sure if a Chinese guy was being friendly and/or curious about a foreigner, or if he was interested in dating. I usually guessed wrong. Embarrassing either way!

  2. Aiden
    Aiden January 16, 2010 at 4:44 am | | Reply

    Well, I read this blog twice and surely got something. Actually what Ellis says is also ture. I onced liked a lady who is about three years older than me. She came to our university to teach(teach freshmen, I am senior.) and we met and became friends. I sometimes talke with her on skype and for once I showed my interest on her and then asked her if she would like to go out for a field trip. The answer is always “No, I am kind of busy recently.” Then, I lost my confidence asking her out or telling her that I liked her. There sure are a lot of reasons why I did not carry on. Firstly, she comes from the USA and the inferiority you mentioned does exists. One of my American friend is now treated like a king in China. He was invited frequently to fancy banquets, was given all sorts of gifts and was given all the priority, etc. All these keep you feel that they are superior. I sure do not like those Chinese who treat foreigners way better than they treat their own folks. We should be nice and friendly to our International friends but not that way. Secondly, pressure from people around you. When my classmates learned that I like her, they all came to me and started to joke about this. I can put up with all the joking with one or two days but not being joked all the time. By the way, I was just fond of her and I can not even say I love her. Like and love are just too different for me. Like is the basis of love and I have no idea why the “like” is killed in the cradle. Anyway, she is leaving for Europe tomorrow and I guess I should say good bye to her tonight. We can be friends anyway. Haha.

  3. Vesper
    Vesper January 16, 2010 at 7:32 am | | Reply

    Aiden, it would have been very unprofessional and risky for her to date a student of the university where she is teaching!

  4. Hao Hao Report January 16, 2010 at 9:31 pm |
  5. Aiden
    Aiden January 16, 2010 at 9:39 pm | | Reply

    Thanks for your suggestions. The explaination is reasonable. Haha. it explains everything and we sure have so much difference. I have worked as an part-time English teacher, I should have know better about this. Anyway, when this came to me, I totally forgot. Thanks again.

  6. maria (ma rui)
    maria (ma rui) February 20, 2010 at 12:50 pm | | Reply

    aiden hiii maria here =)

  7. 路易
    路易 March 2, 2010 at 5:00 am | | Reply

    Aiden
    How’s this for pragmatic advice – try to work part-time at a place like starbucks or another laid back foreigner-infested place in your area. One evening a week spent making espresso and cleaning tables would be fun and how could a potential employer say no? You’ve got the qualifications and you’re in it for more than just money. Don’t say you want to meet chicks, though, just say that you are looking for a diverse atmosphere.
    There’s alot of advice pertaining to your personality here but how do I know you aren’t already sensitive, non-aggressive and assertive? You want greater numbers so you can try different tactics and not regret the mistakes. That’s possibly the best advice I can think of.

  8. Aiden
    Aiden April 17, 2010 at 8:02 pm | | Reply

    Hi, Jocelyn, I am back again. I just moved to Shanghai and am got employed in an Korean company. Great place Shanghai is. Anyway, I read this article again and all the remarks. And I also noticed that Maria(Ma Rui) said hi. Is it possible that you help me to contact her and tell her I said hi. If she is interested in having a new friend, then give her my email. Haha, I guess this is not aggressive. Thanks again.

  9. Stephen
    Stephen May 12, 2010 at 10:01 am | | Reply

    I do like western girl. They’re really smart and independent. problem is what I want is serious relationship ,just don’t wanna find them in bars….

  10. Jocelyn
    Jocelyn June 1, 2010 at 4:05 pm | | Reply

    Jocelyn-I think there is ton’s of money to be made being an international/inter-racial matchmaker! I am a 30 year old bi-racial (African American/White) woman who had dated and is currently in a relationship with a Chinese man. I have been facinated with Asian culture for a long time now and took my first trip to China in Oct. 09. It was definatly a life changing, eye opening experience. While I was there for a month I had a relationship with a long time online friend. Ironically he wanted to be an international matchmaker. Anyway, that relationship didn’t work out, but we have stayed good friends. When I came back to the states I met my current boyfriend and that has also been an adventure. I’m now that the “honeymoon” is over with my new bf I’m looking to your blog and others for advice and ideas on how to keep things positive in this new relationship. I wonder if you could sterotype a little bit and talk about the temperment of Chinese men? I always percieved Chinese men to be extemely gentle, but I have found that me new bf has a bit of a temper. I heard from another family member that sometimes Chinese men change after they get married and don’t treat their wives well. I am horified at even hearing this, but now my curiosity has kicked in. Can you tell me what you think?

  11. sweetieb
    sweetieb June 1, 2010 at 4:06 pm | | Reply

    that last comment is from me “sweetieb” sorry! Idk why I put Jocelyn there too! Opps!

  12. fern
    fern August 1, 2010 at 4:38 am | | Reply

    Thank you and hi to the guys here with the guts to look for Western women!
    I think it depends on the girl. For me, I don’t mind aggressive. It would be a breath of fresh air for a guy to come out and shove a phone number (or QQ number) into my hand. 😀
    I don’t like bars either, but English corners usually have women and a foreign woman in an English corner always feels she has to compete for the one man there with the 234234235 Chinese women there!
    I guess the best way would be in the street or a public place. Just approach someone!

  13. Lee
    Lee September 25, 2010 at 11:36 pm | | Reply

    Aiden’s question is exactly what i want to ask. but my situation is a bit of different, i had few years of experience of being in Europe, I am currently running a company with my classmates in Beijing, as our work required, we often go to the events organized by Chamber of commerce, which is more on the business side, and of course, bars and events for foreign expats are also where we go to, however, it just did not work out for me so far. as the nature of our business, most of the foreigner i met are males (businessmen). Jocelyn’s suggestions are very helpful, i think i might try the NGO. and i just stumbled upon a paid dating event in Beijing which attracts some foreign ladies and i gonna give it a try, but still have no ideas if it works. i know in city like Beijing, the chances of meeting foreign ladies is much more likely than other smaller ones, but i would appreciate if someone here could give some hints for single Chinese men in beijing area.

  14. Frankw
    Frankw December 23, 2010 at 8:31 pm | | Reply

    hey,Jocelyn.

    Could you ask Aiden whether he is single and want a wingman in shanghai?

    I am moving to shanghai soon and definitly need a wingman to hangout with.

  15. Aiden
    Aiden December 24, 2010 at 3:59 am | | Reply

    Thanks, Jocelyn. I will contact Frank and see what I can offer to help. I know it might be extremely difficult to visit a country where most people have no clue what you are saying, therefore, I would like to help him with everything about our country. Thanks for you email, again.

  16. WhiteGirl
    WhiteGirl December 26, 2010 at 4:11 pm | | Reply

    @Lee: it doesn’t need to be so complicated. Approach foreign girls on the street, in the subway or in a store! The key for this to work is to be super casual. Smile and just say hi. Or ask them a simple question like “what time is it?” Nothing more. See what kind of response you get from that. If it’s a positive response, make small talk or crack a relative joke. Then introduce your self and exchange contact info or just directly go out to coffee with them.
    I met a Chinese guy in the subway once who asked me out to coffee right then and there and I was so impressed with his bravery and confidence that I said yes and we hung out the rest of the day together.

  17. gogood
    gogood February 18, 2011 at 10:06 am | | Reply

    just do it.
    no man will like all women, and no man can be liked by all women, that is why friendship is valuable, and Chemistry is fantastic!
    I work in Shanghai in a big Germany company, I love to talk with foreign colleagues, cause it is easy and happy, openly, frankly, without any hesitaion, about movies (with USA guys), music (about Rock with USA guys, about symphony with germany guys), Philosophy(with germany guys), etc, to share with them all those things I have been loveing for decades of years.
    Unfortunately, I have not found my Ms. Right. I am still looking for. lol

  18. Tisha
    Tisha March 23, 2011 at 11:45 pm | | Reply

    Reading this post was interesting as I would not have previously imagined that a Chinese man would purposely seek out a foreign woman. I, a 20-something, white, American female have been seeking outside the American realm myself. Although I am able to have my own children, since I was very young, I have wanted to adopt internationally, particulary from China. It is difficult to meet American men that are seeking marriage, nevermind single American men that are even appropriate or available for marriage. I would then like to reverse the question for discussion. How would a fairly conservative but sporty American woman place herself in a position to be pursued for marriage by an appropriate forgeign prospect? Is it even likely to gain the attention of an Asian male if the intimidation factors are so prevalent?

  19. gogood
    gogood March 24, 2011 at 5:38 am | | Reply

    it is true that Asian guys are generally not very sporty.
    however, marriage is based on love, love is based on feeling, and feeling is not based on shape.
    As I always say, you do not have to attract every one in order to get a marriage. You only find the one who attracts you and is attracted by you. That is all.
    BTW, do those white females seek asian guys because ” It is difficult to meet white men that are seeking marriage……” ?

    also, welcome to my page http://www.facebook.com/gogood8, 🙂

  20. Tisha
    Tisha March 25, 2011 at 12:24 am | | Reply

    Thank you, gogood, for your response! Why do you say that generally Asian guys aren’t particularly sporty? Is this characteristic of those in their home country? Most of the Asian men I know in the US do place importance on physique and are pretty out-doorsy and active which is why I ask. Also Asians as a whole seem to have physical activity ingrained into their culture, and they also seem markedly intune with the relationship between mind and body, thus the relationship between the strength of body in relation to strength of the mind (Tai Chi, Tae Kwon Do). I am really just drawing form those that I actually know though. This is one reason that I have so much respect for particular Asian cultures and continually try to adopt the lifestyle/perspective. I am not able to represent all women everywhere or even most women regarding the interest in an Asian husband, and as someone else has commented here, it’s rare. However, as for myself, it’s not that I absolutely cannot find an American, white spouse; I am considering that I may not desire the cultural beliefs/behavior that American men generally possess. It is my thought that the culture has evolved sharply to allign with the feminist movement, leaving men confused as to their roles in a traditional setting (which has all but been completely annihilated) and significantly lowering the bar on the commitment men have towards their families. Culturally-based moral standards have been lost here. Traditional Asian culture can be much more appreciated, and, in my opinion, a more desirable foundation on which to raise children.

  21. Tisha
    Tisha March 25, 2011 at 12:32 am | | Reply

    I should mention also that my perception of who is approriate and available is defined pertaining not only by those already married, too old/young, etc., but largely by those that I deem as “emotionally unavailable,” and there is not a shortage of the type at all. That’s a term I use to describe those that may want to get married but do not want to take the leadership role in a marriage, have moral or integrity issues, are self-focused, etc. All of these being, in my perception, highly prevalent in American society.

  22. gogood
    gogood March 25, 2011 at 6:31 am | | Reply

    First, my mistake, and my apologize: I should have said that Asian men are not always very big in the body size. This is what I want to mean. sorry again. 🙂

    Secondly, OMG! You see things in a really deep level.
    I never live in USA so I can not say anything about the men there. But Traditional Chinese men do take most of the responsiblity of his family: his wife, and his kids. He sees his family more important than himself. that is a traditional chinese way.

    Thirdly, welcome to put your eyes onto China, 🙂

  23. Arianna
    Arianna April 15, 2011 at 7:14 am | | Reply

    one small thing: i don’t agree with the advice of not going to expat bars. Honestly, some of the things you said are indeed true, but that’s not always the case. I used to go to expat bars in beijing really often, not necessarily because i “needed a break” from china, but because that’s where the fun is! And for fun i mean live music, clubs, concerts etc. If you’re 20 something, as a foreigner, you’ll need that. And those places are perfect to meet people, especially in summer: you go out for a smoke or to get some fresh air and you start to chat randomly with people and get to know them. Unfortunately, whenever I went clubbing/bar hopping in BJ, i would find foreign guys, chinese girls, but hardly any chinese guy, and if they are there, they don’t seem to mmh be very “sociable” (read, they don’t approach girls and stay on their own) or they tend to be a bit too agressive (like, asking your phone number after 5′). So, my advice to Aiden (if you’re still checking comments, this post is pretty old ><) is to go to bars/clubs/concert and try to meet people and make conversations. You never know, something might happen! And in the worst case, you've made new friends 😀

  24. FrankZhao
    FrankZhao May 12, 2011 at 11:38 pm | | Reply

    Hello Jocelyn I am really admire your husband. He can
    meet and date marry with your such as pretty west girls
    I am living and working in Shanghai. But unlucky I don’t have chance to know and meet the west girls in Shanghai
    and don’t know how to know them. and where I can easy to say hello to them and be their friends. If any foreigner girls that working and living in Shanghai. Pls contact with me. I really want find a foreigner girls as
    girlfriends. I hope I can marry with a west girl like jocelyn
    Then have a nice family. My name is Frank. any my E-mail is [email protected]. and my skype is frankzhao555. my mobile is 13671918270. I am waiting for the good new. Thanks!

  25. Michael
    Michael May 16, 2011 at 3:29 am | | Reply

    aiden,

    Not all foreign white women are the same!

    If you met a young Chinese-speaking Italian girl who is fascinated by Chinese culture and is dreaming of falling in love with a young Chinese man, you do not have to try very hard, that young Italian girl has been dreaming about loving a Chinese man all her life, she will just love to go out with you.

    On the other hand, if you met one of those English-speaking girls from England or Australia who have been fed all those negative racist stereotypes against the Chinese men, you should never try to talk to her, because she obviously does not like Chinese men, she probably believes that Chinese men are disgusting and repulsive.

    And you also have the problem that many young Italian girls are now learning to speak English and those Italian girls are watching all the racist Hollywood movies with the negative stereotypes against Chinese men.

    In general, if the Italian girl does not speak much English, the Italian girl has not had much exposure to racist English media propaganda against Chinese men, and the Italian girl will be more friendly to Chinese men.

    My best recommendation is to learn to speak a different language from English. You could learn to speak Italian, French, Russian, Spanish, Swedish, Polish, Croatian, Portuguese, ..etc.. and then you could make friends with foreign white girls from Italy, France, Russia, Spain, Sweden, Poland, Croatia, Portugal..etc..

    For instance, if you could speak Danish, you could easily have 10 or 20 Danish girlfriends. I know a lot of Chinese men in Denmark, those Chinese men have lots and lots of Danish girlfriends, because so many Danish girls think that Chinese men are exotic and attractive.

    A Chinese friend of mine who went to Denmark found that so many young Danish girls were attracted to him, like they were staring at him, as though they were lusting after his hot Chinese body, he went out with so many Danish girls, it was like heaven for him.

  26. Arianna
    Arianna May 16, 2011 at 4:07 am | | Reply

    “young italian girls are NOW learning to speak english”? btw just so you know, in Italy Hollywood movies are dubbed so anyways we’ve been watching them for decades now.

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