How can Chinese men meet foreign women in China? Getting involved in activities is one way. Above, my husband and I do birdwatching in Shanghai.
Aiden asks:
I am a Chinese guy who is going to graduate next June. I am majoring in English simply because I want to know more about this world. You mentioned a lot about the cross-culture relationship which is something I desired for years. I always wanna a life different from the ones that most people have in China. I know it is gonna be tough, but I have faith. No difficulty no fun. Life itself is that way. Anyway, it is rather hard for a Chinese mainlander to seek the chance of meeting any International women especially those who want to marry chinese guys. If you have any good channels or tips, why not tell us?
————
Aiden, I salute you — you’re daring to imagine a love and future different from many Chinese men. The question is, where can you dare to find her?
Why not start with your future job? Consider working at a company that employs foreigners — such as a multinational company or a school with foreign teachers. After all, I met my husband at an Internet company.
Still, you can’t put all of your hopes on a job — and fortunately, you don’t have to.
One of your best bets may be a Chinese language school or department in your city. From my experience, foreign women fascinated with Chinese language and culture tend to be more open to Chinese men. Some schools, such as Beijing Language and Culture University, even have Chinese corners. Do a search and find out if there’s one in your area. Even though you’re an English major, open yourself up to the possibility of connecting with a foreign woman in your native language.
Another option is getting involved in an international organization or NGO. Many foreigners gravitate towards service like this as a way to enrich their China experience and “give back.” You also tend to meet a lot of nice people along the way, as I did when I participated in birdwatching with a WWF China group in Shanghai. You may not necessarily meet someone right away, but you could build relationships with foreigners and Chinese that may lead to that special someone, and do some good at the same time. The Beijinger, for example, has a long list of NGOs and options for volunteering.
If volunteering isn’t your thing, why not try other organizations or activities? Consider joining a gym — a lot of foreign ladies do, and, again, it’s a great way to build relationships over time with a foreigner (though, realize we’re more often into the cardio, aerobics, yoga/pilates, instead of just weight lifting like many guys). Get involved in sports or outdoor activities you like (which many foreigners love as an escape from big-city life), everything from long-distance bicycling to hiking and camping. When you meet people through these activities, you already have a shared foundation to start from, and it makes building a relationship so much easier.
What about English corner? You could try it, but you may find less success. Some foreigners — myself included — experience what I like to call “English corner burnout” after getting mobbed by too many English learners at once, or entertaining the same questions (well-meaning though they may be) over and over. And even if you do find a receptive foreign woman at an English corner, you’ll have to compete with other English learners for her attention.
Avoid expat bars — they’re more a refuge for homesick foreigners who want a break from life in China, or want to meet other foreigners. The demographic here isn’t really in your favor.
But it’s one thing to meet a foreign woman, and another to charm her. Here are some tips to keep in mind:
- Don’t be too aggressive. For me, it was always a turn-off when a Chinese man would, for example, shove his phone number in my hand moments after saying hi, asking if he could be my friend, and then expecting to have lunch with me that day. That doesn’t mean that you can’t give us your phone number or e-mail or even suggest coffee or tea sometime — just realize that we need time to get to know who you are to develop a friendship, and more.
- Realize we’re often looking for true love or a soulmate — not merely someone who will “make do” as a husband, or simply because he has an apartment or a car. Personality and interests often mean a lot to us. Be willing to share of yourself, and let her really get to know you, instead of simply offering “love” without a reason why she should love you. I think of one Chinese man I flirted with for a while — he kept on showering me with romantic poetry and declarations of love, but he had the personality of a Ken doll. Needless to say, the flirting ended pretty fast.
- Maintain language equity — in other words, make sure that the relationship is not monopolized by one language, if the foreign woman can speak or is learning Chinese. Otherwise, she will feel disrespected (as in, why won’t he give me the chance to improve my Chinese?) and used, as if she were just an “English machine” there to serve you.
- Don’t let what I like to call “the inferiority factors” get in the way of a good relationship. We’re often taller, heavier, earn more, and may even have more education than many Chinese men. But if you’re willing to let go of cultural expectations, you may find the love is worth it.
Good luck Aiden — and if you find a foreign woman, please let me be one of the first to know!
Do you have a question about dating, marriage and family in China (or in Chinese culture). Every Friday, I’ll choose one question and answer it on my blog. Send me your question today.
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Great answers, Jocelyn! I would especially like to second your second and fourth bullet points. As a Western single woman in China who would be very open to a Chinese boyfriend, I have found that many Chinese men seem incredibly intimidated by me. They also seem to want to peg me as a 开放 (“open”) Western girl who is only looking for sex, which is not the case.
Additionally, I would also say let go of any “inferiority factors” in regards to what Chinese typically favor: a house, a car, etc. Don’t let a lack of those things stop you–I know it stops a fair amount of men here, no matter the nationality of the girl they’re pursuing.
Also, I echo don’t be too aggressive, but try make it clear you want to date a girl, if you meet her and decide you like her. I have, a few times, found myself in a situation where I wasn’t sure if a Chinese guy was being friendly and/or curious about a foreigner, or if he was interested in dating. I usually guessed wrong. Embarrassing either way!
Well, I read this blog twice and surely got something. Actually what Ellis says is also ture. I onced liked a lady who is about three years older than me. She came to our university to teach(teach freshmen, I am senior.) and we met and became friends. I sometimes talke with her on skype and for once I showed my interest on her and then asked her if she would like to go out for a field trip. The answer is always “No, I am kind of busy recently.” Then, I lost my confidence asking her out or telling her that I liked her. There sure are a lot of reasons why I did not carry on. Firstly, she comes from the USA and the inferiority you mentioned does exists. One of my American friend is now treated like a king in China. He was invited frequently to fancy banquets, was given all sorts of gifts and was given all the priority, etc. All these keep you feel that they are superior. I sure do not like those Chinese who treat foreigners way better than they treat their own folks. We should be nice and friendly to our International friends but not that way. Secondly, pressure from people around you. When my classmates learned that I like her, they all came to me and started to joke about this. I can put up with all the joking with one or two days but not being joked all the time. By the way, I was just fond of her and I can not even say I love her. Like and love are just too different for me. Like is the basis of love and I have no idea why the “like” is killed in the cradle. Anyway, she is leaving for Europe tomorrow and I guess I should say good bye to her tonight. We can be friends anyway. Haha.
Aiden, it would have been very unprofessional and risky for her to date a student of the university where she is teaching!
@ellis — thanks for weighing in on this! Good point the whole “openness” issue. Most foreign women in China are not seductresses looking for a casual one-night stand. Also good suggestion on being clear about your intentions. I guess that might be difficult for some men, given the nature of communication in China (which tends to be more vague and indirect) — but it doesn’t mean Chinese men can’t try.
@Aiden — I’m glad the post helped you. It was a pleasure to write.
I would echo Vesper’s comment, with an explanation. In Western countries, we try to avoid what you call “dual relationships.” An example of a dual relationship would be where a teacher dates or has a very close friendship with a student. While you weren’t necessarily asking your teacher out on a date, she was probably trying to avoid the problems of a dual relationship. Some programs that send English teachers over to China strictly enforce a no dual relationship policy (meaning that those teachers who violate the code could lose their position).
Of course, there are Western professors and teachers who, unfortunately, engage in dual relationships (such as dating students). But this is generally frowned upon and considered unethical.
@Vesper — thanks for the comment!
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Thanks for your suggestions. The explaination is reasonable. Haha. it explains everything and we sure have so much difference. I have worked as an part-time English teacher, I should have know better about this. Anyway, when this came to me, I totally forgot. Thanks again.
aiden hiii maria here =)
Aiden
How’s this for pragmatic advice – try to work part-time at a place like starbucks or another laid back foreigner-infested place in your area. One evening a week spent making espresso and cleaning tables would be fun and how could a potential employer say no? You’ve got the qualifications and you’re in it for more than just money. Don’t say you want to meet chicks, though, just say that you are looking for a diverse atmosphere.
There’s alot of advice pertaining to your personality here but how do I know you aren’t already sensitive, non-aggressive and assertive? You want greater numbers so you can try different tactics and not regret the mistakes. That’s possibly the best advice I can think of.
Thanks for sharing, Louie. Working part-time could definitely be another good way to meet a foreign woman — provided, of course, that it is a place that would attract enough foreign women to justify the effort. I’m not sure, though, if, say, Starbucks would let anyone work only one night a week, as they seem to have a pretty formalized approach to employment. Still, I suppose other places may.
Hi, Jocelyn, I am back again. I just moved to Shanghai and am got employed in an Korean company. Great place Shanghai is. Anyway, I read this article again and all the remarks. And I also noticed that Maria(Ma Rui) said hi. Is it possible that you help me to contact her and tell her I said hi. If she is interested in having a new friend, then give her my email. Haha, I guess this is not aggressive. Thanks again.
Hi Aiden,
Sure, I will go ahead and send her an e-mail, and see if she would like to contact you. If so, I’ll get the two of you in touch.
I do like western girl. They’re really smart and independent. problem is what I want is serious relationship ,just don’t wanna find them in bars….
Jocelyn-I think there is ton’s of money to be made being an international/inter-racial matchmaker! I am a 30 year old bi-racial (African American/White) woman who had dated and is currently in a relationship with a Chinese man. I have been facinated with Asian culture for a long time now and took my first trip to China in Oct. 09. It was definatly a life changing, eye opening experience. While I was there for a month I had a relationship with a long time online friend. Ironically he wanted to be an international matchmaker. Anyway, that relationship didn’t work out, but we have stayed good friends. When I came back to the states I met my current boyfriend and that has also been an adventure. I’m now that the “honeymoon” is over with my new bf I’m looking to your blog and others for advice and ideas on how to keep things positive in this new relationship. I wonder if you could sterotype a little bit and talk about the temperment of Chinese men? I always percieved Chinese men to be extemely gentle, but I have found that me new bf has a bit of a temper. I heard from another family member that sometimes Chinese men change after they get married and don’t treat their wives well. I am horified at even hearing this, but now my curiosity has kicked in. Can you tell me what you think?
that last comment is from me “sweetieb” sorry! Idk why I put Jocelyn there too! Opps!
[...] P.S.: Not sure how to find her? Read my advice for Chinese men on finding Western women in China. [...]
Thank you and hi to the guys here with the guts to look for Western women!
I think it depends on the girl. For me, I don’t mind aggressive. It would be a breath of fresh air for a guy to come out and shove a phone number (or QQ number) into my hand.
I don’t like bars either, but English corners usually have women and a foreign woman in an English corner always feels she has to compete for the one man there with the 234234235 Chinese women there!
I guess the best way would be in the street or a public place. Just approach someone!