Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese New Year Red Envelopes For Boyfriend?

Red envelope, hongbao, lai see
Red envelope, hongbao, lai see -- whatever you call them, remember, at Chinese New Year, these are more for kids, not your boyfriend or girlfriend.

asks:

I’m dating a cute Cantonese boy, although he was born in Canada himself (along with his brother), his parents are from China. His parents are pretty strict about him dating period, never mind dating a white girl like myself.

Chinese New Year is coming up, and I know it’s a time where the older give to the younger. As I’m older than my boyfriend by a few years, would it be odd if I had gotten him one of the special lai see envelopes with money in it? Or is that just strictly family related?

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During Chinese New Year, I always saw the dragon’s share of hongbao (the Mandarin term for lai see) go from parents and grandparents to the smallest members of the family — like the “treasured grandson,” my nephew. Even though my father-in-law would save a red envelope for me and my husband, I knew one thing for certain. Hongbao/lai see at Chinese New Year — these are for kids.

Don’t even think about slipping your boyfriend a red envelope — it’s the gifting equivalent of asking him to sit at the children’s table.

Instead, try a more grown-up approach to gift-giving: new clothing. Many Chinese will start the first day of the new year off in auspicious style with a completely new, never-before-worn set of clothes. You don’t have to go as far as something new from head to toe, as my mother-in-law does. But you could pick him up, say, a nice shirt or sweater, or some socks.

Still, the envelopes should remind you of one thing. If you buy him clothing, get it in red.

Happy Chinese New Year! 龙年快乐!

What do you think? What advice do you have?

Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

17 Replies to “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese New Year Red Envelopes For Boyfriend?”

  1. Lai see can be given to parents from married sons or daughters also. Take him to a Chinese New Yr dinner at a very traditional Chinese Restaurant. Don’t take him to a westernized Chinese Restaurant. They have those real Chinese dishes especially for Chinese New Yr only.

  2. I’m with Jocelyn on this. I’ve only ever seen hongbao go to children. Grandparents to grandchildren, uncles/aunts to nephews and nieces.

    But as with all things, China’s huge and there are numerous regional differences. It’s probably best to ask the boyfriend to explain laisee and then decide.

    龙年快乐!

  3. Happy Spring Festival everyone (Is it spring festival or New Years? ANd how do you say it the right way?) Wish I could give some advice but I can’t.

  4. Happy Chinese New Year Jocelyn and John!

    As a general rules in Hong Kong, if you are going to a gathering in the CNY, and you expect some people to bring gift to you, it’s a good idea to have some lai see in return.
    Apart from that, I would give lai see to children, not adults.

    The truth is, if you are a foreigner and you are not married yet, you would most likely b excused from this whole expectation anyway. And it also demands on how traditional the family is.

  5. I agree about not giving laisee to a boyfriend, no matter how young or how old he is. Last week I was at a Chinese New Year banquet and there was more laisee than kids and students, so the eldest in our group presented the rest to each of the adults, no matter our age. And it was the eldest man, not his wife! Women may hold up half the sky, but not when it comes to laisee, I guess.

  6. I am not sure about the situation in mainland China. But in Malaysia, nobody cares if a gf gives her bf an ang pao. There is no pantang (Malay for taboo) about this. And I do give adults older than me ang paos and nodody has objected or has felt insulted or pantanged. Everyone is happy. I used to and still do give my gf ang paos too, and she to me and we are all happy and feel blessed. It is all in good fun and for good luck.

    @Sveta, Chinese new year is actually spring festival 春节 cunjie. Cun 春 is spring and jie 节 is festival. 

  7. Some advice.

    Our Cantonese traditions are slightly to moderately different from the rest of China.
    I guess we have to know how traditional he is (because born and raised overseas doesn’t always mean 100% Westernized or assimilated to the locals. It depending on where the guy lives, how close he is to family, how much he cares about these customs, etc.).

    There are certain rules about clothing though among Cantonese people. I don’t think it might be a good idea. For sure, I know don’t give any gifts of pants, shoes or hats. Shirts I’m not sure, but I wouldn’t suggest it. There’s actually quite a lot of superstitions among Cantonese folks about many things. I mean, it depends on the guy you’re dating. Sometimes, he may say he doesn’t mind, but if he is very close to this stuff, it’s gonna be in his mind to be aware of it.

    The safest, most sentimental and happiest thing is food. Red pockets are totally reserve it for family, (married members only) but a meal or food items are the best ideas IMHO. Get some sweets, from fruits to cakes or candies. There are a lot of food stores nowadays, both Chinese and non-Chinese, that are catering to this specific holiday. You could probably get something from there.

  8. Also, depending on how far you are on that relationship, I might suggest a red string.
    Again, depends on the guy. He may not get it, or gets it but thinks its too weird, or gets it and won’t admit anything but will feel something, or totally gets it and not be ashamed of expressing himself.

    But like, usually the first day (traditional celebration is almost a week long) is often reserved for special family time, so it might be awkward for anything “too” romantic, but the days afterwards should be ok, I think.

  9. Regarding the red pockets, in general it’s suppose to be given from people with higher status than you.
    So like, elders, older family members who at least above you one generation (married or not, this is ok for those cases), Married relatives of your same generation, your boss, manager, superior, sometimes older married co-worker or really older person (married or not), your teacher (or master in some skills or arts), etc.

    Basically, it denotes a type of hierarchy. So , it may be awkward to give it to your boyfriend. The Malaysian example is a rare exception (I haven’t heard of this from other Chinese communities, in China and outside).

  10. Only married couples give red packets…so seeing as you are not yet married, you should be exempt from this part of the CNY festivity. In fact, your bf’s parents might even take the gesture offensively, as if you have already included yourself in the family. Along the same line, giving gifts could potentially be seen as offensive – some of the items listed above are given as part of a ‘wedding dowry exchange’ event that occurs before a wedding. So they might also see it as though you have taken the liberty to put yourself in their family. Hope you don’t take this too personally!! Its just that I am married into a very “Siu hay” family (short tempered? Not sure what the English translation would be) that is somewhat traditional and am now used to double checking in my brain to see if there is any way they can twist things to be taken offensively!! Ugh, in-laws…

  11. Hong bao are usually given by married couples to children (sometimes single adults), or from bosses to their employees. The reason is that hong bao represent luck and fortune being passed along to those who have less. A boyfriend giving his girlfriend a hong bao, and vice-versa, is considered inappropriate. Giving a gift of red clothing may be appropriate, but it depends on the person’s background. To play it safe, give tangerines, particularly healthy ones with the stems and leaves still attached. These anyone can give, especially children to their elders.

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