I have been dating my Chinese boyfriend for several years now, and we want to get married. He has met my parents and they love him but his parents still refuse to meet me. My boyfriend made it clear to his parents that I’m the one, but they just don’t want to have anything to do with me. They have never even talked to me! They keep giving his number to random girls that they approve of! I once went over to his parents house with him, I had prepared a basket full of delicious food, and they just refused to let me in. My boyfriend hardly talks to his parents anymore and insist that it’s not a problem and that it’s their loss. But I wish there was something I could do. Any suggestions?
As my husband might say, not really.
It’s hard for me to suggest anything to you when your boyfriend seems unable to do anything himself. Most of the time, I tell people in situations like this to work through their boyfriend/girlfriend or trusted family members. But he’s not really talking to his parents, and he even appears to have written the situation off by labeling it “their loss.” Given that most Chinese value their relationship with their family — and especially with their parents — I’m stunned by his defiance.
But then again, I see his defiance as a plus for you. Sometimes, when the family says “no” to a girlfriend, the guy will follow in suit and break up with her (that actually happened to me). Your guy, however, doesn’t care what his parents think and will even risk a rocky relationship with them to stay with you, and eventually marry you. Clearly, he’s not going anywhere.
That doesn’t mean the stalemate with his parents will last. Consider what happened in this one Chinese family when the kids defied their parents in marriage:
Initially, I hesitated because dating a Western woman would upset my folks. I guess I wasn’t alone because all of us — me, my older brother and my younger sister — said we would never marry someone white.
When my brother later announced his marriage to his white fiancee, my parents were so upset that they did not even attend the wedding. Neither did my sister, so I went to his wedding on my own. I guess my sister learned the meaning of “never say never” when she ended up dating and marrying a white man, much to my parents’ dismay. In both cases, my parents eventually came around and accepted these marriages, but it didn’t come easy.
So then again, maybe you can do something to change their minds after all: just marry him, live your lives, and watch what happens.
What advice do you have for L?
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