Here’s my situation, I’m a college student in the US, chinese male, above average height.
So here’s my situation. I just finished class and was on my way to the bathroom when I saw this hot brunette(white girl) at the department office. She just gave me a cursory glance and smiled. I ignore her (thought she was just being friendly, and some girls just like to smile at guys) and didn’t think much about it and just went on with my day.
However, much later during the day, I had to get some forms from the department office. So I went back and saw her again. I do believe she is an undergraduate student working part time. So as I was browsing through the forms, I notice she was staring at me. I mean, literally. That made me really uncomfortable. So being the stereotypical shy chinese guy, I pretended not to notice.
When my research advisor walked into the office, we went into the next room. Halfway through our conversation, I saw her walking by our room and she look in. This time we had eye contact, and she smiled so sweetly again!
When my talk with my advisor finish, I came out of the office and notice she was gone, I think she went for class. I went home and thought about her the whole day. White girls(especially hot white girls) tend to be a little intimidating to me. I think that maybe she was just as intimidated as I am.
So finally, to hell with my inhibitions, I’m gonna ask her out but I’d like a little successful AM/WF white female perspective on how I should do it and what I need to be aware of. as I have only been with Chinese girls my whole life
I’m wondering how do I approach her? Maybe ask her out for coffee?
To hell with inhibitions. With those four little words, I think you just inspired many more Chinese — and Asian men — to “Carpe Diem” (seize the day) when it comes to finding cross-cultural love. You go!
But, truthfully, the road from inhibitions to “to hell with inhibitions” can be rough for many Chinese and Asian men. Why? Because some guys just swing from one extreme to another, like a personality pendulum, and suddenly demolish their precious chances with a girl — because they mistake aggression for confidence:
….(i.e. shoving your number in her hand, and asking her to be your friend; or flooding her blog with desperate comments, asking her to meet you) — [confidence is] about how you feel about yourself. Do you believe in yourself? And, more importantly, can you see yourself as her equal?
For some Chinese men, it’s hard to imagine being equal to a Western woman. She’s from a more developed country, could be taller than you, and probably earns more (and even weighs more). But this is important, trust me. No matter how much you try to hide it, Western women will sense if you feel unworthy. So feel worthy to be by her side, before you even say “Hello.”
And remember, while you’re nervous, so is she. You’re somebody completely new, and she has no idea what’s behind that gorgeous face of yours yet. So keeping things casual, and keeping the pressure away, is very, very important to make her feel comfortable.
I think meeting somewhere for coffee — like a Starbucks or your local coffeehouse — is a great way to start. It’s the kind of thing friends do, it’s casual, and it doesn’t feel as much like a “date” as a dinner — which means there’s less at stake, and means she’s more likely to say “yes” to you.
If you can, see if you can arrange to “run into” her again in the office — for example, to check a mailbox, or another excuse of choice.
Then, when you see that she’s not busy, go over to her and initiate a conversation. For example: “Hi, I noticed you the other day when I came to the office, and thought I’d introduce myself. My name is [your name].”
This is a very logical way to approach her. You’re acknowledging that you saw her last time, and you just wanted her to know who you are — which takes some of that inital pressure off. Keep the conversation going by asking simple questions, but nothing too personal or too serious. You might start by asking what her major is, or how she came to start working in your department office.
If she seems to respond positively, and engage with you in conversation, that’s when you suggest the coffee, like this: “I was wondering if you might like to get together for coffee sometime.” It’s a good sign if she’s either sharing her number or e-mail, or checking her calendar for times.
But what if she doesn’t, or if she says “I’m not sure”? Just leave her your number and/or e-mail, and welcome her to contact you if she’d ever like some company with her cup of java (don’t ask for her contact info, though). Whenever a guy did this with me, after I gave a noncommittal response, I always appreciated it — because he gave me the opportunity to change my mind, and also respected me enough to not badger me for a phone number or e-mail.
Whatever happens, saying “to hell with inhibitions” is probably one of the best decisions you ever made. You’re willing to take a risk, to make yourself vulnerable — and that makes you that much more attractive. So even if she doesn’t see it, eventually, someone will.
P.S.: You might also check out my posts on How Chinese Men Can Approach Western Women in China, and How Chinese men can meet foreign women in China.
What advice do you have for K? What would you tell him?
Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture, or Western culture? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.