Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Student Wants to Approach American Brunette

Cappucchino cup
How can a Chinese man go from sharing smiles to sharing coffee with a Western girl in the US? (photo by Michaela Kobyakov)

K asks:

Here’s my situation, I’m a college student in the US, chinese male, above average height.

So here’s my situation. I just finished class and was on my way to the bathroom when I  saw this hot brunette(white girl) at the department office. She just gave me a cursory glance and smiled. I ignore her (thought she was just being friendly, and some girls just like to smile at guys) and didn’t think much about it and just went on with my day.

However, much later during the day, I had to get some forms from the department office. So I went back and saw her again. I do believe she is an undergraduate student working part time. So as I was browsing through the forms, I notice she was staring at me. I mean, literally. That made me really uncomfortable. So being the stereotypical shy chinese guy, I pretended not to notice.

When my research advisor walked into the office, we went into the next room. Halfway through our conversation, I saw her walking by our room and she look in. This time we had eye contact, and she smiled so sweetly again!

When my talk with my advisor finish, I came out of the office and notice she was gone, I think she went for class. I went home and thought about her the whole day. White girls(especially hot white girls) tend to be a little intimidating to me. I think that maybe she was just as intimidated as I am.

So finally, to hell with my inhibitions, I’m gonna ask her out but I’d like a little successful AM/WF white female perspective on how I should do it and what I need to be aware of. as I have only been with Chinese girls my whole life

I’m wondering how do I approach her? Maybe ask her out for coffee?


To hell with inhibitions. With those four little words, I think you just inspired many more Chinese — and Asian men — to “Carpe Diem” (seize the day) when it comes to finding cross-cultural love. You go!

But, truthfully, the road from inhibitions to “to hell with inhibitions” can be rough for many Chinese and Asian men. Why? Because some guys just swing from one extreme to another, like a personality pendulum, and suddenly demolish their precious chances with a girl — because they mistake aggression for confidence:

….(i.e. shoving your number in her hand, and asking her to be your friend; or flooding her blog with desperate comments, asking her to meet you) — [confidence is] about how you feel about yourself. Do you believe in yourself? And, more importantly, can you see yourself as her equal?

For some Chinese men, it’s hard to imagine being equal to a Western woman. She’s from a more developed country, could be taller than you, and probably earns more (and even weighs more). But this is important, trust me. No matter how much you try to hide it, Western women will sense if you feel unworthy. So feel worthy to be by her side, before you even say “Hello.”

And remember, while you’re nervous, so is she. You’re somebody completely new, and she has no idea what’s behind that gorgeous face of yours yet. So keeping things casual, and keeping the pressure away, is very, very important to make her feel comfortable.

I think meeting somewhere for coffee — like a Starbucks or your local coffeehouse — is a great way to start. It’s the kind of thing friends do, it’s casual, and it doesn’t feel as much like a “date” as a dinner — which means there’s less at stake, and means she’s more likely to say “yes” to you.

If you can, see if you can arrange to “run into” her again in the office — for example, to check a mailbox, or another excuse of choice.

Then, when you see that she’s not busy, go over to her and initiate a conversation. For example: “Hi, I noticed you the other day when I came to the office, and thought I’d introduce myself. My name is [your name].”

This is a very logical way to approach her. You’re acknowledging that you saw her last time, and you just wanted her to know who you are — which takes some of that inital pressure off. Keep the conversation going by asking simple questions, but nothing too personal or too serious. You might start by asking what her major is, or how she came to start working in your department office.

If she seems to respond positively, and engage with you in conversation, that’s when you suggest the coffee, like this: “I was wondering if you might like to get together for coffee sometime.” It’s a good sign if she’s either sharing her number or e-mail, or checking her calendar for times.

But what if she doesn’t, or if she says “I’m not sure”? Just leave her your number and/or e-mail, and welcome her to contact you if she’d ever like some company with her cup of java (don’t ask for her contact info, though). Whenever a guy did this with me, after I gave a noncommittal response, I always appreciated it — because he gave me the opportunity to change my mind, and also respected me enough to not badger me for a phone number or e-mail.

Whatever happens, saying “to hell with inhibitions” is probably one of the best decisions you ever made. You’re willing to take a risk, to make yourself vulnerable — and that makes you that much more attractive. So even if she doesn’t see it, eventually, someone will.

Good luck!

P.S.: You might also check out my posts on How Chinese Men Can Approach Western Women in China, and How Chinese men can meet foreign women in China.

What advice do you have for K? What would you tell him?


Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture, or Western culture? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

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20 thoughts on “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Student Wants to Approach American Brunette

  • December 10, 2010 at 5:41 am

    I first off want to say…I LOVE THIS GUY! As a WF interested in AM, I am so happy to see this mans post. WAY TO GO! I think your advice is perfect, as I have approached a Chinese man in a similar way and though slow to start, I think it may be becoming some sort of friendship now! I love your blog and thank you for helping to spread the AM/WF love!!!! (^_^)

  • December 10, 2010 at 7:58 am

    Go for it. Don’t be shy. Western Women are more direct so you have to ask. You’ll be surprised because they will find us AM curious and want to date us. Trust me I know:)

  • December 10, 2010 at 10:20 am

    Good for you, K! As a WF, I was recently thrilled when an AM with whom I had been having a great conversation offered me his card and invited me to stay in touch with him because he’d like to get together again. Through our entire chat I was wondering if he was as interested in me as I was in him, but as a woman, I didn’t want to seem to pushy. It was nice to have him initiate maintaining contact in that same noncommittal way Jocelyn recommended. Best of luck to you and be sure to let us know how it goes!

    BTW, until I met this Chinese man and did some investigating into his cultural norms, I had no idea how shy Asian men can be. It’s so refreshing to talk to a man who isn’t obviously a pickup artist. But when I think about all the gorgeous shy Asian men who have smiled at me in the past, and I didn’t think they could be interested, I could just die! Oh, how I wish I knew then what I know now!

  • December 10, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    I want to know what happens next with him and the girl! This is so exciting! Good Luck, K!

  • December 10, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    take it easy….one step at a time. don’t rush. and always remember. there’s no such thing as good luck. you MAKE your own luck.

  • December 10, 2010 at 8:47 pm

    That’s right, there’s no such thing as good luck, you need a lot of work and preparation to make things happen. So get off the computer, go find that girl, take her out for coffee, hurry. Let us know how things go.

  • December 11, 2010 at 7:17 am

    Just go for it bb. Obviously she likes you, and if you ignore her out of shyness, she might think you just genuinely dislike her.

    You’re a human being, hopefully she’s human too…so what’s the big deal? :)) JUST DO IT!

  • December 11, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    And remember….just be your self. Individuality is very sexy! If she dosn’t like it, her loss!

    • December 11, 2010 at 11:44 pm

      @Rebekah, that’s so cool to hear you’re making inroads on a friendship — and possibly more — with an Asian guy. You go!

      @Marcus, thanks for that encouragement for K.

      @Hummingbird, thanks for sharing. Makes me wonder if some of the shy Asian guys I met before going to China were, in fact, interested in me too — and I was too clueless to even tell. Just as well, b/c otherwise I wouldn’t have met my amazing John. 😉

      @Mish, you’re not the only one wanting to see what happens… 😉

      @sam, good point on not rushing.

      @Li Lan, thanks for the comment. Let’s hope he’s reading!

      @Linda, I love that: “Just do it”!

      @Beki, thanks for the comment. K is going to appreciate it.

      @Ayeshter, another good point. We love a little personality. 😉

  • December 12, 2010 at 12:28 am

    Hi Everyone, This is K here. I was the one who posted the question and just realize the positive and overwhelming support from you guys. It’s truly amazing!

    I’d like to say thank you very much to all first for all your support!
    Next, the semester for undergraduates are now over and I don’t think I will get to see that girl again. HOWEVER, because of that incident, it gave me the confidence and courage that I need to approach WF.

    And that’s exactly what I did!! So right now, I am seeing a beautiful brunette with blue eyes, we are going on dates and speaking on the phone everyday! cheery for another AM/WF relationship! I’ll be visiting her this march in Atlanta to see her parents and family.

    Thank you all for your support! It’s greatly appreciated! 😀

    • December 12, 2010 at 5:12 pm

      K, what an inspiring story! I’m so glad your experience gave you the courage to discover another brunette, who you clearly have a connection with (wow, a trip to Atlanta to meet the family, even!). Please keep us posted, and keep courageously moving forward. 🙂

  • December 14, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    GREAT JOB K!!!! My Chinese guy asked me to go to church with him on Christmas Day! I hope I can go!

  • December 15, 2010 at 9:31 am

    “GREAT JOB K!!!! My Chinese guy asked me to go to church with him on Christmas Day! I hope I can go!”

    There are many folks here in the US who think that all people of Chinese origin are either Buddhist or have no religion! They are very surprised to find Chinese Christians!

  • December 15, 2010 at 9:32 am

    “I’ll be visiting her this march in Atlanta to see her parents and family.”

    My experience with the people of Atlanta has not been great. But, I do wish you all the best! Do come back and tell us!

  • December 15, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    I am so happy for all of you AM/WF couples! I hope my situation works out as well, but after 4 years, my darlings parents STILL do not know about us(b/c I have a child from a previous relationship-which I know is TABOO!!!!). Good Luck to EVERYONE, and GOD BLESS AM/WF progress!!!!!

  • December 15, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Comgratulations K! We need more Asian men approaching and asking out white woman!

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