Concerned about Chinese Boyfriend with a Temper | Speaking of China

9 Responses

  1. EuropeanGirl
    EuropeanGirl June 18, 2010 at 4:47 am | | Reply

    HoneymoonIsOver didn’t tell what kind of temper her bf really has so hard to comment on that. It’s ok to lose temper sometimes when you’re stressed as Jocelyn said. I just wanted to remind that there’s is an other kind of temper too. My ex-boyfriend is Chinese, but have been living in Europe since childhood. He had a really bad temper way too often and blamed me for that. But surely that was just him and nothing to do with race.

    What you think is acceptable behaviour when under lot of stress and what is just treating one’s wife/girlfriend badly?

  2. melanie gao
    melanie gao June 18, 2010 at 5:09 am | | Reply

    Absolutely, living in a foreign country can test you in a lot of ways. My husband and I know that from first-hand experience. Just as Jocelyn describes, he and I used each other as an outlet many times and tested our relationship in the process. But thank God we always stayed together and supported each other through the good and the bad.

    HIO, I hope your BF settles in to life in the US and gets back to his normal self. Best of luck to you both!

  3. Tiffany
    Tiffany June 18, 2010 at 12:02 pm | | Reply

    Having a temper is rather human – having an unreasonable temperment that persist is not. when we are stressed, we are not exercising our normal view on lifes and environment, hence frustrations appear. Not sure what to make of the letter???

  4. Jo Gan
    Jo Gan June 18, 2010 at 6:28 pm | | Reply

    Until his career life settles down he will be like this… for Chinese more than any other nationality it is a matter of face even when they are in America. The fact that they have to take lower pay than their wife, the fact that they cannot control the situation like before.. the fact that everything is new and they have to learn the way Americans do it and the fact that you know more than he does on basically everything because it is your country… gives a major blow to your self-esteem and confidence. As was mentioned above.. you have to be supportive… and see it from his view… in China he fit, and had face and respect.. in america… respect is not as easily received. We know this.. because we are American but for them.. it is literally a whole new world.
    Be patient with him, and also sit down and talk to him.. let him know you understand what he is going thru and that he is not any less of a man to you .. as he was before… let him know he is still your knight in shining armor…. Let him know he is still important to you… and you will see the temper flaring calm down a little… but understand his pressure.. However, Being the strong Black woman I am… I would make sure he understands that you are not his punching back…and he needs to remember that if he gets out of hand.. you can take him out .. by any means necessary….(smile)

  5. Lalalalaaaa
    Lalalalaaaa June 19, 2010 at 4:36 pm | | Reply

    LOL please, unless you’re an eejit don’t stay in a potentially abusive partnership…
    a violent male is a violent male.

    It is absolutely irrelevant if he is Chinese or not.

  6. Chris
    Chris June 20, 2010 at 4:41 pm | | Reply

    I totally agree with y’all that violence is intolerable. but, there isn’t a single person on the planet that can go through life without angrily or violently expressing themselves at some point. Even the calmest, coolest guys have their moments.

    Difference lies in how often this happens. If its a chronic issue then definitely leave the guy. but if its once in a blue moon (like facing financial issues + he’s stressed + you’re stressed) then look for a sincere apology from him. See how willing he is to be sorry. Nobody’s perfect but I think everyone has a responsibility to recognize their own mistakes 🙂

  7. SBC
    SBC May 3, 2011 at 8:03 pm | | Reply

    Sorry if the comment is a year too late. You might also want to think about his personality in general. If he is usually kind and gentle to everyone, he might also blow up in front of you because he feels more comfortable? Of course this is all related to stress and there might be certain issues bothering him.

    May be they were bothering him before (like settling and graduate school in US), but he was focussing on woo-ing you. Now that he is comfortable with you he can express his emotions more openly. My boyfriend has a similar personality. However due to stress on family and career front, he sort of morphed into this angry young man. In the beginning I was annoyed and thought he was simply being mean to me because he wasnt interested or because he was showing his true colors. But he told me its just that I am too close. And its true because when he has a bad temper, no one but I actually see him vent.

    That said, be emphatic, but done become his punching bag. Tell him you understand, and you support him, but that sometimes he should consider how much he hurts you with his temper. I think it takes time and communication to go through tricky phases like this. But then again, it is what will make your relationship stronger and more likely to survive the stresses of marriage and kids.

  8. Anita Williams
    Anita Williams October 31, 2016 at 1:52 am | | Reply

    Hello, I unintentionally came across this question that you asked. I am an American woman that married a highly educated Chinese man. Early on in our dating, he was adorable. He would leave notes on my car and my bedroom window for me to find.
    We did marry, my family was crazy about him too. Together we had one beautiful son, that is now very successful. About 17 years ago my husband and I divorced.
    Truth be known, I am the one that finally divorced him due to his one-time affair with a nurse, and his temper that left me in tears and shambles frequently.
    Other than his temper, life was a fairy tale for me. Now, I have moved back to the town where I grew up, he still lives in the home we built and he will not speak to me. He will not even accept my phone number in the event that our son might need something. Our son does not speak to me either. It is a long and complicated story, but out son, has always been loving and extremely obedient especially to his dad.
    I feel my ex has influenced our son to not talk to me because I have fallen on hard times financially, and money means more to my ex than anything. There is much more I could tell you, but all I can say is, I hope all goes well for you. Love conquers all. usually. My best to you.

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