How do you impress the family of your Chinese boyfriend (or girlfriend) during Chinese New Year? I survived my first Chinese New Year with the parents (pictured above) and will share some tips.
Kelley asks:
I started teaching English in China this past fall, and met a wonderful Chinese man. I never expected to have a Chinese boyfriend, or expected it so soon! But we’ve been dating since October, and are very much in love.
However, I am really starting to freak out because he asked me to spend Chinese New Year at his parents home. I am so concerned about meeting his parents. I know family is a really big deal in China, and it seems that if they don’t like me, my boyfriend and I don’t have a future. I really need to impress them! I’ve only started learning Mandarin, so I’m barely proficient, but I guess a little is better than none at all.
I’m definitely going to bring gifts (thanks so much for the great suggestions!).
But I was wondering what other advice you might have — specifically, what should I do to make the visit go smoothly? I really could use some help! Thanks!
—–
First of all, congratulations on finding a wonderful man to date! I wish the both of you a wonderful relationship.
I can understand your concerns. Not long ago, I too faced a Chinese New Year visit with the family of my then-Chinese boyfriend (now husband). I had never met them before, and all I knew of his parents was they had said it was okay to date a foreign girl, but not marry her. Not exactly what you’d call the basis for good first impressions.
But, I eventually charmed them, and married him.
One thing that might help to remember is this — In general, Chinese don’t date casually. They date with the intent to marry. You’ve been together for more than three months, and he’s taking you home to meet the parents — all good signs.
Every Chinese family, obviously, will be different, and react differently to you — so I can’t guarantee marriage for you too. But there are some things you can do to improve your chances of making a smashing first impression:
- Gifts are a must for the family, as you already know. It’s the best way to create goodwill from the first “Ni Hao” (after all, Chinese people tend to show their feelings through indirect means, such as gifts, so it’s a language they understand). I’d follow the gift-giving suggestions I’ve laid out, leaning towards vitamins for his parents and grandparents. Find out what other relatives will be present and bring something for them, too. And don’t forget the “emergency gifts” (you know, for the unexpected friends or relatives). Since you’re based in China, I’d recommend local specialty products (great if his hometown is outside of where you currently live), nice tea, or Western-style pastries as emergency gifts.
- Avoid physical contact with your Chinese boyfriend in front of his family. I’ve never seen my husband’s family members hug, kiss or even hold hands in front of us. Additionally, it will only reinforce the unfortunate stereotype that all Western women are “easy” or “seductresses.”
- Defer to his family, especially the elders. Chinese families prize filial behavior and deference to elders. That means being more passive — let his family “set the schedule” and be in charge. Don’t worry, you won’t be “hostage.” If anything, you’ll have a lot of free time, because it is Chinese New Year (a holiday that, as Peter Hessler once wrote, seems to be built around watching lots of television). But if they plan meals or have outings or other activities, go along and be a good guest (such as, being the last to sit at the table). Avoid complaining in public, even about annoyances like smoking (try, instead, to resolve issues with the help of your boyfriend). They will appreciate you for this.
- Bring photos to share. They’re a great way to “break the ice” with his family and make a personal connection. Things were pretty tense that first Chinese New Year I spent with my Chinese husband — but when I brought out the photos of my family and vacations, suddenly his parents began talking with me. It was a real turning point.
- Don’t talk about your relationship with his family, unless they ask you. I doubt they will — love is still an embarrassing, highly personal topic in China.
- Don’t talk about where you might live in the future. I’m assuming your Chinese boyfriend is an only child. If he is, his parents might worry that a foreign girl will take him away from China — leaving nobody to care for them in old age. If anyone presses you about staying indefinitely in China, simply give a vague, noncommittal answer, such as “that’s interesting.”
- Bring a nice, new outfit to wear. In Chinese New Year, everyone wears new clothing on the first day of the new year for good luck — so why not take the opportunity to impress your potential inlaws? When I first “met the parents,” I had a Tang-dynasty style jacket and skirt tailor-made just for the occasion. Of course, it was freezing and I only wore it part of the Chinese New Year’s day. But it left a lasting impression. Now, whether it was the clothing, or how fast I changed out of it, I’ll never know.
Good luck, Kelley — hope the year of the Tiger will be auspicious for you, especially in love!
P.S.: While this is written for a woman with a Chinese boyfriend, it essentially applies to men with a Chinese girlfriend. Men, your additional problem will be pressure to drink alcohol or smoke at the table, especially the alcohol. Even though Chinese see drinking and smoking as a way of expressing friendship or building relationships, you won’t offend anyone if you refuse. However, you may need to refuse strongly, because Chinese can be pretty heavy-handed (and, sometimes, even sneaky) about getting alcohol into your glass.
Do you have a question about dating, marriage and family in China (or in Chinese culture)? Every Friday, I’ll choose one question and answer it on my blog. Send me your question today.
Possibly Related Posts:
really interested to this post, this will help me in future, once I will live in china !!!
Dear Roueen,
Thanks so much for the comment, and glad I could help! I hope things are going well in terms of your plans to move to China. Please do keep me posted.
Such great advice! I wish I had known you 14 years ago when I first met my husband’s parents.
If I were to add one tip here, I would encourage Kelley to eat a lot at her boyfriend’s parents’ house. And if they encourage her to have more, even if she’s full, she should take just one more bite. Sure, she’ll gain weight but she’ll gain their affection too.
Oh, and be sure to express your amazement at the fireworks! That will come naturally though, no need to try to remember that one. I love love love the fireworks at Chinese New Year.
Thanks so much for answering my question! After reading your post, I feel so much more relieved and less nervous about the holiday.
Melanie, thanks for the advice too. Guessing I should bring my baggy pants if I’m going to be eating a lot to impress the in-laws!
Oh yeah, eat a lot, and praise the food.
Can I add a few?
I would refrain from drinking. No doubt you’ll be offered drinks, probably by the male members of the family. You’ll earn brownie points with the women though if you refuse. While my BILs (and my nephew now that he’s graduated from college and officially considered an adult) start with the baijiu at the first meal of the day, I’ve never seen my SILs drink. Follow the lead of the other women, and if they aren’t drinking, claim you don’t drink. Use the phrase “can’t,” as in “wo bu hui he jiu,” which will give the impression that you’re not a habitual drinker. I think this is especially important for a potential foreign daughter in law because there is probably some expectation that as foreign women we’re a bit wild, and you want to show them that you’re as capable of restraint as Chinese women. If you were a simple guest it would be fine to drink, but they’re going to be watching your every move as a potential DIL.
Also, offer to help. After dinner you can try and, for example, clear the table. Of course they won’t let you, but they’ll remember the gesture. If you were a Chinese daughter in law living with mother and father in law, especially in the village, this would eventually end up being your job. If you go out at all or are ever in the presence of a teapot, pour tea for everyone, starting with the oldest people and working your way down, pouring for yourself last.
Make an effort with the mandarin, even if your Chinese is awful, and laugh at yourself along with them to show that you have a good humor and are sincerely trying to learn.
Basically you want to make an impression that says you’re not here to upset the order of things or corrupt their son with your Western ways. That you respect them and defer to them. Even if none of this is true, this is the message you want to send. It may seem fake and a lot of it might really clash with what we’ve been taught about being independent and strong women, but it is really integral that you get on your potential in-law’s good side because they do have the ability to really mess up your relationship, if not prevent it all together. A Chinese guy (or girl) can love you with all his heart, but if his parents forbid him to marry you he will have a very hard time outright defying them. So playing things on the conservative side is, imo, best.
Gosh, hope I didn’t write too much there Jocelyn!
@Melanie, thanks for chiming in with some great ideas I didn’t think of! That’s so true about eating. Makes me think of how my husband always says “a good appetite shows you’re healthy.”
@Kelley, glad you found the advice helpful!
@Jessica, thanks for adding your voice — fantastic advice, and you covered a number of good things I missed in this post. It is so true that you need to play it conservative in front of the potential parents. I still do, to this day. At least, the side of me that they see is my “conservative” version, so I can definitely relate to that.
See, I don’t have inlaws (I think I’ve mentioned before that they passed on), but I still reign myself in a bit when we’re back in the village with the SILs. At this point it isn’t about gaining approval honestly, but more about not causing anyone to lose face or, I hate to say, perpetuating negative stereotypes about foreign women. There’s a time and a place for everything, afterall!
Someone thinks this story is fantastic…
This story was submitted to Hao Hao Report – a collection of China’s best stories and blog posts. If you like this story, be sure to go vote for it….
I don’t think Kelley realizes that from the moment she meets the family onward the relationship is steaming directly toward marriage. Read – “she’s been here for a couple of months and now she’s considering marrying someone.” Kelley, sweetie I hope you are reading this and can appreciate what this relationship may mean to the family.
Maybe she’ll do something to offend the parents and they’ll pressure him to break it off. If so, then he’ll likely not do so until he has a replacement for her. The second part is just conjecture, though.
I don’t mean it to sound so harsh but that’s how breakups happen.
Thanks for the response, Louieman.
I can’t speak for Kelley — and I certainly don’t know what her circumstances are — but you’re right that meeting the family is serious business in China. It is definitely something any foreigner meeting the parents should keep in mind.
Helpful stuff!
Thanks for the comment, Charlie — glad I could be of help.
Thank you for your advice. I have met my boyfriends parents and they love me but, i’m trying so hard to keep myself on the empressing side. Now I can take it a little easy. My boyfriend and I are making plans to move in together and looking further into getting married and I do want his familys blessings. My boyfriend looks more onto his sister oppinion. Do you have and advice on how to impress his sister? She likes me already but, I know there is something more I can do.
Thanks for the comment, Tiffany.
I have very limited experience with sisters in China because my husband has none, and I have spent very very limited time with my sisters-in-law. But in general, I always find that when I show an interest in what my family members do or are interested in, it helps to build relationships. For example, I ask my father-in-law to show me his calligraphy (and make cards for me, to give away to friends). I ask my mother-in-law to teach me how to cook her foods.
Is there something that your boyfriend’s sister likes to do, or cares about? That might be a place to start.
I also know Jessica Larson-Wang’s husband has a few sisters, and she might be of more help than me. Jessica, if you have anything to add, feel free to jump in.
I know this post is old, but I have some advice.
Yes, you have impressed the parents now, but it is equally important to impress the aunts.
oh man, most chinese live close to each other so the extended family is HUGE. The Aunts will gossip like crazy. And they will criticize everything. What I would do is not piss any of them off, obviously and then try to win the one who seems the loudest on your side. Usually, they tend to be the middle aunt. Because when you come up, the loudest will advocate for you. Think of it as almost like a rowdy town election. ( one of my cousin didn’t marry this one girl because a couple of my aunts were against it. His mom was fine with it but the aunts totally swayed them the other way)
Also, this is stupid and old fashion, but do not reveal anything bad in your family. First of all, it is not their business and second of all, it will hurt you. So what I mean are things like “your parents, brother, sister, aunt, uncle blah blah getting divorced” because they will think “oh she grew up in that environment, she will most likely do the same if she marries our son. ”
And dont talk about ANY disease in your family. Big no-no’s are any genetic diseases, and unusual deaths.
* I am Chinese, and I am dating a white american.
soyeahiknow, thanks for the advice! Good point about winning over the important extended family members, and keeping some of those “skeletons in the closet” to yourself.