Ask the Yangxifu: Negativity From Friends (And More) About Dating Asian Men | Speaking of China

43 Responses

  1. airen
    airen December 7, 2012 at 3:35 am | | Reply

    “do whatever you can to distance yourself from the negativity.”

    Golden advice

  2. askdsk
    askdsk December 7, 2012 at 7:51 am | | Reply

    Pick your battles. You certainly don’t need to put pressure to live with your decisions. At the end of the day, it is how you want to live your life that matters. If your relationship lasts, you will get used to the new normal.
    I don’t think you need more courage to date anyone, you just need to follow your heart, a privilege after seeing how many people choose their partners based on 19th century standards in China.

    It is also universal people tend to react negatively when a woman date a shorter man. Sometimes, you face the negativity head on. Your “ignorant” friends can change as well. I hope your guy plays his part in all this.

    Jocelyn, I am surprised you haven’t encounter bad experiences in China. There are plenty of people who will do just the same.

  3. PhilipCaruso
    PhilipCaruso December 7, 2012 at 8:25 am | | Reply

    As long as both of you love each other dearly, you should not worry about what other people think!! Just ignore their negative attitude… ^_^

  4. Ashleigh Son
    Ashleigh Son December 7, 2012 at 9:23 am | | Reply

    I thankfully never had any of my friends or family give me any crap about dating my husband. In fact, they all thought he was handsome, nice, and a really cool person. However, I did receive loads of crap from my ex. He said every racist remark in the book as well as immaturely sent insulting emails to my husband (then boyfriend), and it angered me to no end. Actually, first off I DID sever ALL ties with him, and threatened to report the proper authorities if he ever spoke to me or my husband again. If anyone were ever to give me any crap about it, I would look them square in the eye and say “That is absolutely bigoted, and I will have NONE of it.” Also, if I were ever to see a “look of disapproval” from a stranger or a mean snide comment, I would just piss them off further and give my man a huge hug and a kiss and hold hands and walk off smugly. 😉

  5. Bruce
    Bruce December 7, 2012 at 9:40 am | | Reply

    Please stay away from friends that don’t support you! We just let go a few friends last yr. Life still has to move on people. The world still turns without a few friends. Don’t stay with or talk with negative people PERIOD!. They will turn you into one of them ( negative people). I’ve talked to lots of people in my life and I do know what I’m talking about it.

  6. Manny
    Manny December 7, 2012 at 10:26 am | | Reply

    @A. Hey Eastern European girl, I am happy that you took the risk of dating an Asian boy despite all the negative criticisms which you had to tolerate. Let me tell you that as a White boy living in the Southern USA where there used to be a lot of prejudice against Blacks, I heard many stories from eleder members of my family about the hurtful things that we Whites did to the Blacks. But now we Whites generally do not have this prejudice anymore. So, things do change in time. Once interracial marriages were outlawed until a brave interracial couple dared to challege the status quo and their efforts resulted in the right to have an interracial marriage in the case of Loving v. Virginia, 388 U.S. 1 (1967). So, the moral of the story is not to give up and keep fighting.

    @ A. I am a little bit confused though. I read a Chinese man’s (Winston Wu) historial account of his dating odyseey in Eastern Europe and Russia and he said that he was more successful than in the U.S. You can see his account online at: wwwhappierabroad.com. Then go to his free journals at: http://www.happierabroad.com/Blogs.htm#Journals. Then you can download his 2002, 2003 and 2004 stories. He boasted about his successes after successes with Eastern European women and Russian women. Thus, I am confused as to how you are facing so much prejudice when you are with a Chinese man. Maybe you can explain it to me. Thanks.

  7. chen gang
    chen gang December 7, 2012 at 10:55 am | | Reply

    i found this is true that east European countries are more “hostile” to Asian men. I remember, several times in China, I tried to talk to woman from east European countries, I can sense they were just not interested, not because my personality, but because the fact I am Asian.

  8. oegukeen
    oegukeen December 7, 2012 at 2:21 pm | | Reply

    I found all this really surprising. My Korean boyfriend, who is as you know much shorter than me, and I spent a lot of time in eastern Europe and this has NEVER happened to me.

    A kid once pulled the corners of his eyes, but many people gave us the awwww-what-an-adorable-couple look.

    I can’t even imagine anyone being so openly racist to tell me I shouldn’t date an Asian man. Or think they have a right to tell me who to date.

  9. aiyanxifu
    aiyanxifu December 7, 2012 at 4:01 pm | | Reply

    http://www.economist.com/news/science-and-technology/21567876-you-can-it-helps-think-well-yourself-first-place-think-yourself

    Thinking positive not only make you happy also healthy.
    Indeed, “do whatever you can to distance yourself from the negativity.”

  10. Cvaguy
    Cvaguy December 7, 2012 at 5:09 pm | | Reply

    @A – I imagine you might have a sensitive personality and care very much about how others think about you. I was like that too. Nowadays, I would hold my head high and keep walking. The strangers on the street have little impact in my life, I don’t care what they like or not.
    Friends can be made and break as personal journey goes. I came to US knowing absolute no one. Over the years, friends are made, friends are forgotten and friends are turned to strangers even rivals. So if friends give you hard time, cut them out of your life and make new friends who are happy for you.
    Finally, when people stare it may not be “what is this white girl doing with an Asian” stare, it may be “what a cute couple” stare 🙂 I always think it that way, smile and walk on.

  11. Jason
    Jason December 7, 2012 at 5:33 pm | | Reply

    You have to be doing something wrong to be attracting the negativity in the first place.

    This has never happened to me not even once when I when out with girls.

    And I look Asian, not white or anything.

    It’s about how you carry yourself.

  12. askdsk
    askdsk December 7, 2012 at 6:25 pm | | Reply

    “You have to be doing something wrong to be attracting the negativity in the first place.”

    No. There are always some ass*ole around the corner. That comment of yours is so not sensitive.

  13. Laura
    Laura December 7, 2012 at 7:18 pm | | Reply

    Hi Jocelyn,
    In Spanish we have a say (a bit rude):
    “Dientes, dientes que es lo que les jode”
    Dientes means teeth, and the last is something like.. f**k. Meaning, smile (show your teeth), that’s what they hate the most!.
    I am also sure when I go to Europe is when I will face this people, but I am lucky and I know is not among friends, which already talk to him in Skype, they are waiting for his visit and even traveling from other provinces to spend some days with us…but I know it will be the case in the street or in a coffee, with people that don’t know us at all and like to judge.

    But guess what..whatever! Are you happy with him? YES YOU ARE
    Did you know that everyone in this planet is different? YES!

    Do they know that when they talk about you they make you stronger? And with “you” I mean, both of you, your relationship!. No, they don’t know that, but I know it Jocelyn, and I will say something weird..
    Take it as an opportunity to get closer to your husband, to understand each other!

  14. Sveta
    Sveta December 7, 2012 at 8:30 pm | | Reply

    Eastern Europeans are prejudiced towards Asians. I used to have a friend who traveled to Russia, and the friend told me that they constantly ripped him off for one reason or another. I’m from Eastern Europe, Russia, and my family had bad misconceptions about Asian men, (yes penis was one of them…)

  15. askdsk
    askdsk December 7, 2012 at 9:27 pm | | Reply

    I found Eastern Europeans don’t have the same concepts of what considered to be appropriate, much the same ways as many Chinese would do. It has something to do with the repression and ideology differences. In general, I found less tolerance and overt racist attitudes.

  16. ZG
    ZG December 7, 2012 at 11:41 pm | | Reply

    Different people gave me very different accounts of how Asians are treated in Eastern Europe from very friendly to very hostile. Maybe where you are matters a lot. For example, Moscow is not considered a friendly place by a lot of people (even white Americans complained about it).

  17. chiao
    chiao December 8, 2012 at 8:15 am | | Reply

    I live in Poland and I know that if my Asian bf came here, we would be given LOTS of stares and comments as well. What’s more the region I’m living in is very xenophobic and people with different skin colour are shouted racist crap at, beaten and such :/ I’ve personally seen a black man being shouted at on the street by a skinhead :/ That’s why I want us to live in London or some place equally open-minded, in London I’ve seen so many interracial couples in every possible configuration! And no one stares, it’s just wonderful.

  18. chiao
    chiao December 8, 2012 at 8:17 am | | Reply

    * forgot to add that in big cities, like Warsaw , there are many foreigners and thus people dont stare that much but still….. Polish people still have a lot to learn about being open to other races…

  19. chinaelevatorstories
    chinaelevatorstories December 8, 2012 at 6:37 pm | | Reply

    Friends who don’t approve of your relationship certainly don’t deserve to be called friends. If you love him and he’s treating you well they should be happy for you.

    It must be hard if you get this negativity from more friends than just one or two. Strangers might be easier to deal with (just ignore them, you’re a brave woman for going against prejudices like that).

  20. airen
    airen December 8, 2012 at 8:25 pm | | Reply

    People with inferiority complex display the most vicious prejudice against others. Such behavior is obvious in east Europeans , south European, underclass of any ethnicity. Bottom line , prejudice is underclass behavior .

  21. Barbara
    Barbara December 9, 2012 at 11:00 pm | | Reply

    @A – I’m also from Eastern Europe and my family and friends never made critical comments about the fact that I’m with a Chinese guy. They were only saying that he’s hot (even my mom). Just ignore those people, why do you care what they think? Do they care what you think about them? I don’t think so. And friends who are so shallow to care about his height or race are not real friends.

    @chiao – I’m Polish and I hate to say it but you are right – Poles are xenophobic and narrow-minded and they don’t accept people with a different world view even between each other (thank you, Catholic Church!). Still, I don’t think that my Chinese bf would get more stares in Poland that I get here in China. I live in Shenzhen, which is a big city and there are many foreigners here but still people point fingers at me, shout “foreigner” and wave their hands directly in front of my face while I’m riding a bike (quite dangerous). I don’t think that any of these things would happen in Warsaw or Cracow, my hometown.

  22. Laura
    Laura December 10, 2012 at 7:09 am | | Reply

    @airen,
    Whats your definion of underclass ethnicity?
    It sounds “funny” when I read that you say people from those countries are more racist but you divide countries in upper and underclass…
    I wonder how you classify places..?

  23. Laura
    Laura December 10, 2012 at 7:18 am | | Reply

    @chen gang,
    I would not interpretate those women did not like you because of that, I would say they are not used to be approached?
    I sometimes find it very annoying too, and I know the person can be nice but it can be even disturbing if you are in a hurry..
    People stop you to ask:
    Where are you from?
    What are you doing here?( sometimes very loud and it seems like they just want you out)
    Who is that?
    Can I be your friend?
    I just listed some of the most common questions, people can approach you in many ways but loudly and with a list of questions is a bit scary!
    Another question, in a supermarket:
    Do you have boyfriend?( no hello?)
    Maybe these girls experienced that and they just avoid this kind of situations 😉

    Or maybe you are right and they did not want to, but is better when you think they had these experiences 😉

  24. chen gang
    chen gang December 10, 2012 at 8:34 am | | Reply

    @Laura:

    I guess I shouldn’t have generalized like that, and you may well be right that these women had previous unpleasant experiences interacting with Chinese men. Just want to mention that I didn’t approach them on the streets (I know that can be annoying), rather in social/party settings.

  25. David
    David December 10, 2012 at 8:46 am | | Reply

    “Let me tell you that as a White boy living in the Southern USA where there used to be a lot of prejudice against Blacks, I heard many stories from eleder members of my family about the hurtful things that we Whites did to the Blacks. But now we Whites generally do not have this prejudice anymore.”

    We can all hope, dream and live in our own world.

  26. Rdm
    Rdm December 11, 2012 at 10:42 am | | Reply

    @Manny

    You never fail to entertain me. I guess your tactics is working after all. For some people they do believe that.

    As a southern white boy, your knowledge of Asian culture, Asian actors in Hollywood movies, frank confession of Whites treatment towards Blacks in old days and solid support for younger White sisters to Asian guys, is peculiarly interesting. Might I dare to say you’re an Asian dude growing up in Texas, pretty fed up with ABC girls, donning White keyboards, hoping to swap the racial identity?

    Keep up the good work. Entertainment from blogosphere is once in a blue moon event I can’t miss for the whole world.

  27. cvaguy
    cvaguy December 11, 2012 at 6:23 pm | | Reply

    My close friends are eastern European for some reasons. I think it is case by case.

  28. Bruce
    Bruce December 11, 2012 at 7:29 pm | | Reply

    It doesn’t matter if Manny is White, Asian or Black and everything he has said was a hoax. At least we have something to talk about. You know he could be White. Remember Whites think differently from Asians . People think I’m a kid but I’m in my early 40’s !!!!!!!!!!!!! My commitment is very strong in whatever I do or whatever I say. Manny doesn’t have to show proof that he’s White. Just like I don’t have to show proof that I’m in my 40’s . Time will show that he/she is honest. Everybody has to prove himself/herself here regarding honesty. At this point, I just like to listen. I don’t get paid for searching the real truth.

    Bruce 🙂

  29. David
    David December 12, 2012 at 5:43 am | | Reply

    @Rdm

    I do not know what ethnicity Manny is. However, he is dead wrong when he says folks are not really prejudiced anymore down south. I will bet anything that an Asian guy will not be able to chase white women down south like a white guy from down south can chase an Asian woman in Hong Kong, without getting serious threats to his life…true of Tuscaloosa, AL and also true of Athens, GA, although these towns are supposed to be “liberal.” Heck, the Asian guy wont be able to do it in Seattle and get away with it. Honolulu more likely.

  30. Manny
    Manny December 12, 2012 at 10:18 am | | Reply

    @RDM and @ Bruce and @ everyone else. You are all so funny trying to discredit me. As Bruce said, I need not prove anything to anyone. So, long as I know that I am telling the truth it alone is sufficient for me. I am not asking for money, I am not seeking fame or attention, and I am not trying to sell anything. I am simply trying to learn a little and get myself a “fortune chickie” and this is all I want. I am getting very close to getting a “fortune chickie” now. Once I get her and make her my girlfriend, I will more than likely disappear from this site as my purpose will have been accomplished. Thanks for all your help especially to Bruce who appears to be the most caring and willing to help me. Maybe one day I will even exchange visits with him and then I can offer my 2 sisters to him on a date. Hee, hee, hee…….

  31. Henry Yeh
    Henry Yeh December 12, 2012 at 10:30 am | | Reply

    Ever since the genocide in former Yugoslavia, the Orthodox Christians have gained a perhaps well-derserved reputation in bigotry.

  32. Bruce
    Bruce December 12, 2012 at 12:07 pm | | Reply

    Manny,

    In Chinese culture, I will resist your offer. Pushing back and forth and then we both disappear LOL hahahahhah ehheheheheh LOL :). Disappearing is not the right choice in life. How long can one avoid problems? Manny, you know that I’m married right? You should have made that offer 15 yrs ago :). Not many women can replace my wife right now. The Yin and Yang is just toooo balanced in my life right now 🙂 LOL. I’m looking for inner and outer beauties. A woman who is beautiful on the outside just won’t make it with me.

    Bruce 🙂

  33. Manny
    Manny December 12, 2012 at 12:20 pm | | Reply

    @ Bruce. Idid not know that you are married but I now know this fact. I am happy to know that you can resist the temptation of my 2 sisters as they are a little arrogant and think that they can get almost any guy they want, especially my sister Pam who knows that she is super hot. I am glad that you will be able to humble her as she felt so humbled after her charade in Hong Kong when she received no attention despite her self-perceived beauty. You seemed to be a more disciplined man than I am. I have great difficulties resisting beautiful Asian women.

  34. Bruce
    Bruce December 12, 2012 at 3:53 pm | | Reply

    Of course, I like beautiful women like any men. I like both intelligence and beauty combined. Your sister Pam is still young and she is self absorbed and wants attention. Do you know that real beautiful women don’t need somebody to tell them that they are pretty 24/7? I have seen some hot women with ugly guys too so beauty is in the eyes of the beholder! I also want a respectful woman also. Not someone who will kick me to the curb when something or someone new is coming along. Manny, you never send me pictures of Pam so I have no idea of her hotness. In real life, I’m a very disciplined person as I’m a consultant. I used to know a lot of beautiful asian women.

  35. Joe
    Joe December 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm | | Reply

    Strange conversation which has moved off topic. Even if Manny is a white southerner, they dont even want to integrate the sororities at the University of Alabama by including Asian women in houses such as Chi Omega…south has not changed much…and as David says an Asian guy cannot be seen chasing white women in Mountain Brook, AL the same way, Manny or any other white southern male can chase an Asian woman in Hong Kong. I have been around for a very long time…longer than even Bruce…I definitely was not born yesterday!

  36. Bruce
    Bruce December 12, 2012 at 8:04 pm | | Reply

    We don’t have that many asians in the south so not much change. You guys are correct that whites are not that accepting when asian men are doing the chase on White women. Of course, I’m aware of that. Asian countries/societies are more accepting in ways. Hell with that anyway! Change is on the way. Don’t let a country/society dictates you. We all have to live our lives. Sooner or later, the South will be more inviting for AMWF. Time is what we need… Maybe another 50 yrs 🙂

    Bruce

  37. David
    David December 13, 2012 at 2:19 pm | | Reply

    “We don’t have that many asians in the south so not much change.”

    That is why physical attacks on Asians are very rare.

    “You guys are correct that whites are not that accepting when asian men are doing the chase on White women.”

    The anti-immigration groups, FAIR and CIS are targeting the visas for Asian women married to white American men..they know they cannot stop it but want to slow it down and mire it in more bureaucracy. Not accepting will be a refreshing change. But, let an Asian try to do to white women down south in Tuscaloosa and Athens, what Manny claims he did in Hong Kong to Asian women, I will still have to bet that the Asian guy wont make it out alive or at best he will be sent to a hospital in a coma.

  38. Jean
    Jean December 15, 2012 at 3:11 pm | | Reply

    My advice to A is to eventually find a circle of friends who accept your union with an Asian guy. (Or vice versa if one was an Asian woman).

    I’m a little shocked by several commenters here, of the current situation and attitudes in the deep Southern U.S. states towards Asians in general.

    Here in Canada we don’t here much about Alabama, OK, Louisiana at all.

  39. Joe
    Joe December 17, 2012 at 7:22 am | | Reply

    @Jean:
    “Here in Canada we don’t here much about Alabama, OK, Louisiana at all.”
    That is because the Canadians have their own set of problems. Ever heard of the McLean’s article two years ago..”Too Many Asians at Canadian Universities”?
    http://www2.macleans.ca/2010/11/10/too-asian/
    I used to live in Winnipeg, MB…not too many problems there with asian-white couples on the street. Granted I lived during one of the worst winters in Manitoba history 1981-82. So not too many people on the streets period except a few drunks and beer bashers. However, that is not what I heard from Asians at Queen’s University…
    http://ca.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091124153649AARecGB
    and this is not the only site where I heard about Queens. And then there were times in Calgary and Edmonton where Asians and Canadians of Asian origin were not admitted into pubs and clubs…

    http://us-mg6.mail.yahoo.com/neo/launch?.rand=dakbfi322hfhp

    Alberta is very racist from immigration officers to people on the street and this is not just to IR couples, although they are not like MS, AL or TX where they have dragged minorities behind the trucks.

  40. Alice Zindagi
    Alice Zindagi December 17, 2012 at 5:37 pm | | Reply

    She’s not alone. None of us are. I live in the United States, and I experience it all the time. “Oh, so you like small dicks? Oh, so you must love K-dramas, right? Oh, so you only like Koreans? Oh, it’s just a passing phase. Have you ever BEEN to Asia?” Thing is, I speak an Asian language, I can read and write in another, I can cook Asian food, I was raised as a Buddhist within the Chinese community, and yes, I am dating a non-Korean Asian man. For all intents and purposes, I was raised as a Chinese woman.

    But you don’t have to be an albino Asian woman in order to justify dating an Asian man. Your reasons are your own and nobody else’s business. Just shrug it off. At times I have been known to get rather loud or become an exhibitionist (grabbing a Cantonese guy’s ass in front of people, for example). But most of the time I ignore it. It’s nobody else’s business who I bring into my life, and it shouldn’t be anyone’s who you bring into yours.

    Here’s another girl, a bit more local to the lady asking the question, who catches Hell for dating Asian men:

    http://www.asianmanwhitewoman.com/hadassa-noble/interracial-dating-advice/why-i-have-been-made-to-feel-ashamed-of-liking-asian-men/

  41. David
    David December 18, 2012 at 7:04 am | | Reply

    @Alice Zindagi…
    Despite being the most accepted pair, this sort of nonsense happens to Asian woman-white male couples as well….
    http://expatedna.com/2012/05/11/encountering-racism-abroad-or-why-i-sometimes-wish-i-was-white/
    And it happens to light skinned Indian women mistaken for white married to dark skinned Indian men mistaken for black…happened to a guy I know here in America…and they had an arranged marriage.

  42. Laura
    Laura December 23, 2012 at 6:45 pm | | Reply

    @David,
    Interesting, skin colour is nowadays still a colour, such a pity.
    I have heard all kind of comments:
    – “Hopefully your kids will have your skin”
    – “What a pity your friend married an Egyptian with such a dark skin”
    – ” When you go back home you come darker” ( This followed by a whitening cream as gift)

    Is a pity that the girl in your link feels like that, I understand what she means, but everyone should be proud of his/he roots, understanding the pros and cons, but feeling proud ! Is sad when someone needs to fight every single day, hope this changes..SOON

  43. David
    David December 29, 2012 at 10:47 am | | Reply

    Laura:
    Thanks for your youthful optimism, but as a person who has lived at least more than two thirds of his life, I doubt changes will come. Expat Edna might not say so here, but I am pretty sure back in the UK her bf has many relatives who find his dating a non-white women outright revolting!

Leave a Reply

css.php
%d bloggers like this: