Sister of China Biz Partner Wants Marriage, He Doesn't

12 Responses

  1. Jenna Cody
    Jenna Cody May 31, 2013 at 3:11 am | | Reply

    I have to say it – I could be wrong but it really jumped out at me, so here goes (and I’ll deal with the ugly comments, or more likely ignore them, when they come).

    When he said he “developed a more personal relationship” with her, I don’t think he meant “friends and pen pals”. I think they’re sleeping together, and sees her as, basically, a very casual dating partner or just a f*** buddy. I doubt he sees anything wrong with this. It struck me that he feels they have no chemistry – so why’d he form this “more personal relationship” to begin with?

    But she, if she’s talking marriage, probably thinks of him as her “serious boyfriend” (especially if they’ve been sleeping together). I don’t think she’d petition for marriage to someone she’d just chatted with nicely a few times – although who knows. Maybe she would. I just doubt it. Especially as, in Asia, it’s fairly common to view that sort of intimacy as a sign that you are pretty serious with the other person. Casual or FB relationships do exist – in Taiwan they’re actually fairly common – but it’s just as likely if not more so she’s more traditional and that she doesn’t view it this way. Common problem in Taiwan: Western guy wants to date and have fun, thinks girl wants same thing, they go out, they have fun, but she thinks they’re deepening their relationship, which never occurred to him, and then there’s a blow-up. I kind of see that here.

    In that way, fixing her up with other guys could be a hurtful blow. I’m not sure I’d do that.

    Honestly if I am right – and I acknowledge I could be wrong – my advice would be “you shoulda thought about this BEFORE you slept with your business partner’s younger sister, bro. Since you didn’t…you’re just going to have to swallow hard, tell her the truth, and hope the damage won’t be too bad.”

    Also keep in mind as a divorcee, while you don’t care about that, in China a lot of men do. Sexist and unfortunate but true. Her options are likely limited (in which case fixing her up may actually work).

  2. askdsk
    askdsk May 31, 2013 at 7:13 am | | Reply

    I can’t agree with Jocelyn’s advices. It is a very Chinese response.

    I agree with most of Jody’s points. Best way is to man up and tell her where you really stand.

  3. askdsk
    askdsk May 31, 2013 at 7:41 am | | Reply

    And you are wrong about Chinese won’t separate business relationships and focus on money to be made.

  4. bruce
    bruce May 31, 2013 at 10:19 am | | Reply

    Sparks can go away after a while from my experience !! Trust me

  5. Oegukeen
    Oegukeen May 31, 2013 at 2:04 pm | | Reply

    I don’t know anything about China, but it sounds like Ms. Eikenburg knows what she’s talking about.

    I just wanted to mention that I’ve seen my Korean boyfriend’s three friends get married and they all married out of their own personal wish and not their family’s, nor any sort of arrangements.

  6. Sinophile
    Sinophile May 31, 2013 at 6:19 pm | | Reply

    Andy, what is her income and her personal information? I can help you out if u present info to help me understand the situation better.

    Source:lived in China for 16 years.

  7. Laura
    Laura May 31, 2013 at 8:30 pm | | Reply

    I agree with Jenna Cody, just have that talk, tell her what’s the situation and do it honestly and in a nice way.
    Is she going to be mad at you? Probably, but maybe you should both have approached this topic before.
    Just discuss about it, like two adults.

    And I suggest you don’t share her income and more personal details here..honestly.

  8. Logan Lo
    Logan Lo June 1, 2013 at 7:28 am | | Reply

    I agree with *most* of Jocelyn’s points but I’m a firm believer that the truth is a powerful thing; and the truth of the matter is that he doesn’t feel that way about her and she probably deserves someone that does.

    I’ve said that to many a woman, and many a woman has said that to me. It’s a hard think to take initially but after a while, one gets over it. I’m FB friends with almost all the women with whom I’ve said this and had said it to me.

    Yes, her options are limited as a divorcee in China but a two-time divorcee is twice as bad. That seems to be where this might be heading if he’s not honest with her and himself.

  9. askdsk
    askdsk June 1, 2013 at 7:52 am | | Reply

    Jocelyn’s advices take considerations in cultural differences. Given that, it is not an adult way to handle the situation to put it bluntly. It works better in high school, even in China. All you need is to find a private setting and have a respectful and open conversation. My experience tells me Chinese women like that too. You might need to phrase your languages to suit her cultural norms. If she does not accept it, keep some distances and let it cool down.
    I’ve seen good shares of examples as Jody described. The guy led the girl on and got laid at the same time.

  10. bystander
    bystander June 1, 2013 at 2:20 pm | | Reply

    Jena Cody’s comments made me laugh and yet so true!

  11. earthizen
    earthizen June 2, 2013 at 2:56 am | | Reply

    On the other hand, her comment reminds me of the sign that says,
    “Nice to see, nice to hold, once broken considered sold.”

  12. Sveta
    Sveta June 3, 2013 at 4:19 pm | | Reply

    I actually liked Jocelyn’s suggestions. Intentional or not, the more the girl is being lead on, the later she finds out he doesn’t like her, the worse the outcome will be. He should stop being with her sexually, or should tell her that he doesn’t feel that way about her.

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