I am a foreign woman in my early 40s working here in China. I met this 30 year old Chinese guy online, we became friends coz’ he speaks good english and quite smart, we dated twice and we have constant communication for more than 3 months now. ( We live in nearby China provinces)
Honestly, I was not attracted when I first saw him but I still like him enough to be willing to know him better.
Problem #1: He seems in a rush to ask me to be his gf while I’m telling him, hey, I need time. ( When asked why he’s in a rush, aside from the standard because I love you, etc..there is pressure on his side to have his own family.) I asked him before, what if I can no longer bear him a child ( my biological clock is ticking away…), his answer was: as long as we were together.
Problem #2: He is not financially capable of having a family ( he honestly told me he is a poor man). This makes me think, is he after my money? please don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging, its just a natural reaction.
As far as I’m concerned, this guy is serious, he’s been asking me to visit his hometown as he’d already mentioned about me to his mom.
I am already in my early 40s and desperately wants to have a child BUT I cannot just “throw cautions to the wind” and be his girlfriend just for the sake of having a chance to have a baby? Now, the guy seems want to give up because I’ve been rejecting him quite a number of times.
Now, I’m thinking am I that desperate? really need of your advice.
If you’re more interested in getting pregnant than getting married to this guy, having a baby might create more problems than just dirty diapers.
I’m not a lawyer, but what I do know about child custody in China should give you pause. When people in China divorce, the father generally retains custody of the children (this happened in the two divorce cases I personally know of — one was my sister-in-law’s previous divorce, the other a friend’s recent divorce). I don’t know what would happen with children out of wedlock; but given the situation with divorces, the laws may also favor the father. Obviously, none of this is legal advice but my own understanding, so I recommend consulting a divorce lawyer in China, who could give you solid advice on this situation.
Of course, the above assumes that you have the children in China and remain there. So technically, I suppose you could get pregnant and then leave the country. But that’s the equivalent of turning this guy into an involuntary sperm donor — highly unethical and something I’m certain he didn’t sign up for.
And I’m only focusing here on the baby issue. You’ve also put forth your own completely valid concerns about him as well. When you add it all together, this just doesn’t strike me as an ideal relationship for you, nor an ideal situation for having kids.
What do you think?
UPDATE: Marie reported via e-mail that she is no longer dating him. While they had stopped talking for a period of time, she reported “the guy and I are on speaking terms AGAIN.”
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