Ask the Yangxifu: How Western Women Can Meet Chinese Men in China

Chinese man, sitting on the campus of Suzhou University
How can foreign women improve their chances to meet good Chinese men -- in China? (Pictured: my Chinese husband, John, sitting on the campus of Suzhou University)

Priscilla didn’t ask me anything. But after reading her February 12 opinion piece in the Global Times, titled “Chinese men: pull your weight”, I thought she needed some answers — especially when it comes to finding a good Chinese man. So I decided to pre-empt my scheduled Q&A this week, to help Priscilla.

Here’s an excerpt, where she discusses her interest in dating Chinese men — but lack of suitors:

One girl in a circle of friends decides to give a Chinese guy a chance and is shocked to discover, he’s pretty cool. The others also start testing the waters: flirting with that cute Chinese guy in a uniform, dancing with the tall one at the club, maybe even venturing to have a fling or two. And once the blinkers are lifted, ladies, you’ll discover that you are actually surrounded by attractive men.

But I am writing this as an enlightened foreign lady with several foreign lady friends and I can’t think of a single one who is dating a Chinese guy.

….one reason I can personally attest to is a lack of effort by Chinese men.

She ends the piece by exhorting all would-be Chinese suitors to “man-up” — be a real guy, and get the courage to ask Western women out.

My response?

Priscilla, sure — in some cases, Chinese men could try harder (with a caveat*). But how many will read your article? And of those, how many will change? Change comes slow, and I don’t know how long you’re willing to wait.

Really, though, you shouldn’t have to wait. There are things you can do, today, to improve your chances.

Look for love — in the right places

Are you looking for love in all the wrong places? Here’s a quote from this 2006 China Daily article, titled Foreign women label Beijing a dating wasteland:

“Most Chinese guys are really shy,” Patterson said. “They work really long hours and don’t come out to bars and parties, which is where you usually meet people.”

So, if your social calendar involves only bars, parties and events from the Beijinger and City Weekend, you’re on the wrong track.

I’m assuming you have a job in China. If not, get one — in a company that employs lots of young, single Chinese. Many Chinese meet their future spouses at work. I did.

Spend time at local universities with a large graduate student population — including twentysomething Chinese men who are single, and open to the possibility of a woman like you. One way to meet them is by attending or participating in low-cost or no-cost university events open to the public, from lectures to concerts (if you cannot read Chinese, have a Chinese friend help you find out what’s happening). Sometimes, universities, such as Beijing Normal University (BNU), have great evening social scenes — which means you can show up on an evening, and find the place filled with people. For example, BNU’s outdoor athletic facilities, built for the Asian Games, are like a magnet for young Chinese to run, play sports and even (as I witnessed one evening last summer) do Tibetan dancing.

And speaking of sports, why not join a local badminton or ping-pong club? A lot of Chinese men play, and the clubs function as a social scene to meet people.

But, really, if you speak Chinese, or are learning, you could meet great Chinese men almost anywhere. More and more foreign women — such as Jessica at the Local Dialect — have found love with a man who doesn’t speak much English. Jessica even knows a foreign woman who used a dictionary to help her woo a Chinese security guard.

Use the power of the people

As Chairman Mao once said, more people, more power (人多力量大). And if you tap into the power of the people, you could meet your Chinese man.

It’s simple — just ask your close Chinese friends to introduce you to someone. Chinese often act as matchmakers to their friends, and they take it seriously, because it means their reputation too. Then, have your friend invite this Chinese man to a group dinner — or other activity — with several friends. It’s a great way to get to know the new man, but it takes the pressure off if you’re not interested.

Understand China

Understanding goes a long way in relationships — especially when it comes to China.

Your interest in China and Chinese culture — from studying Mandarin to learning the history — could make you even more attractive (unless you’re dating a really unconventional Chinese guy). Plus, it’s valuable as the relationship progresses. After all, if things get serious, you’ll probably be knee-deep in a lot of cultural conundrums that many Western women might not understand (the need to care for his parents, the necessity of having children to continue the family line, etc.).

Couples of Western women and Chinese men may be rare, but we’re out there. And we’d love to have you join us. Good luck!

Readers, what do you think? What else could Priscilla do to meet Chinese men? I’d love to hear from you!

* Even if the obstacles you mention aren’t there (no family pressure, not that traditional, not intimidated by your independence/socioeconomic status), language stops many Chinese men from making that move. Even if he finds you attractive or intriguing, he may worry his English isn’t good enough. Or, even worse, he may not speak English at all — or know that you speak Chinese (if that’s true).

** Remember, also — all Chinese men are not the same. Keep the cultural tendencies in mind, but meet every Chinese man as an individual. He might just be the exception (or simply exceptional, as my husband is. ;-)).

———–

Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China (or in Chinese culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

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81 thoughts on “Ask the Yangxifu: How Western Women Can Meet Chinese Men in China

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  • February 20, 2010 at 11:38 am
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    ok this is what i needed…..i am totally into chinese guys…..i mean it i am the craziest and the biggest fan of china!!!! wo ai zhong guo ren but i need a boyfriend ..thanks for this love it

    Reply
  • February 20, 2010 at 12:02 pm
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    Man, it seems like everyone everywhere is talking about Western women with Chinese guys these days.

    Of course I agree with you.

    I also think there’s a point too where Western women in China, if they are interested in Chinese men, really need to stop giving themselves a head trip about it and just make that first move. For numerous reasons it just might not occur to the nice Chinese guy who you like to ask you out, but that doesn’t mean that if you make the first move he’ll shoot you down either. Most of our Chinese friends, male and female, are completely open to dating people of all nationalities (except maybe one .. three guesses on that), but of course they aren’t actively going after foreigners in particular (and that’s good — I have a feeling it might give us a bit of an icky feeling if they were). If you just say look, I’m going to date and I’m not going to limit myself to any particular nationality, and then go about choosing a guy the way you would back home, I don’t really see what’s so difficult about finding a Chinese boyfriend.

    I think sometimes Western women are our own worst enemy when it comes to dating in China.

    And by the way, boy isn’t that a lovely little picture to go with the Global Times piece, eh? I think it manages to offend on at least 3 levels, which isn’t easy.

    Reply
    • February 20, 2010 at 7:38 pm
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      Hi Maria, thanks so much for the comment, and glad you enjoy the site.

      Hi Jessica, thanks for sharing your thoughts! You are so right about the whole “head trip” issue w/ Western women not wanting to make the first move. You just can’t expect Chinese guys to be able to make that first move — there really are so many things in the way (the obstacles, the inferiority factors, the language barrier) that why leave it up to chance? You don’t even have to make it a date or something. It can just be a casual suggestion, a “hey, maybe we can have tea or coffee or something to eat” sometime. I asked my husband out for our first lunch together — I’m sure he was so relieved, because he always felt so intimidated by my presence (he tells me this much later in our relationship) that he never thought he could have been close to me.

      Yes, the illustration is SO offensive. I’d say it offends on 4 levels, if not more!

      Reply
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  • February 21, 2010 at 4:19 pm
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    I’m a Chinese Canadian currently working in China, so I know both cultures very well.

    Here is how I see it, most Chinese men in China thinks white girls are very “open” and are “experienced”, you know that might be a good thing in the west, but the logic is different in China. Here is why:

    White guys tend to brag about how many girls he slept with, right?
    but Chinese men aren’t into that, they tend to brag how the one girl he got is the best in the world. So in west a girl will probably dress and act a little easy to attract attention, but that actually will work against you in China.

    To get a nice Chinese guy is easy! you just learn some Chinese and goto some events, Chinese men will be all over you! make sure you give the right signals though, sometimes, well most of the time they might think you just wanna be friends, and a really nice person.

    Reply
    • February 21, 2010 at 7:53 pm
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      Hi Andrew, it’s great to hear from you, and thanks for the comment!

      Good point about not flaunting your sexuality. It is so true that Western women are often primed by cultural expectations that we need to “put it all out there” (in some cases, literally so!).

      BTW, I’m smiling as I read your words about how Chinese men will brag that the girl he got is the best in the world. You know, my husband is always bragging about all of the great things I do in front of his friends — now I know why. 😉

      Reply
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  • February 22, 2010 at 2:23 am
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    Yeah, I think it does depend a lot on what type of relationship you all want to be involved in.

    IMO, a lot of Chinese guys, when looking for a serious relationship, they are looking for Queens to share their “private kingdom…work/family/etc…” with, not really princesses to pamper or a servant in the house. Someone who could “enter the kitchen and be present in the court”.

    Sometimes, and I don’t mean it in a negative way, sometimes the women who aren’t familiar with anything Chinese kind of have to present or show that side of their personality that can “handle anything”. One unfortunate stereotype I’ve heard from many people, especially the elders, is that non-Chinese women can’t handle or endure as much as Chinese women. It might just be an issue for some people so this may not apply to everyone. This generalization could be an obstacle for some potential couples. So I guess it would help to think about that and try to find ways to work with it.

    I think the the chance is probably higher meeting interesting guys through friends, work and school over parties and bars. You might find someone at those fun places but it depends. I personally know of one Chinese guy from Guangzhou who met an American woman (who was an advisor at the university I attended) got married and have two kids. They met through friends, which seems to be more and more popular.

    Reply
  • February 22, 2010 at 6:57 am
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    When I was a university student in Harbin I tried pretty hard to hook my Chinese roommate up with a foreign girl. It wasn’t easy because if a foreign girl is good looking she’ll be the object of attention for alot of foreign dudes. These are people who can relate to her very easily and are likely to have much in common with her. If you’re Chinese and not freaking awesome in everyway then it’s going to be pretty difficult to get her attention. Also there’s the jealousy thing. It’s ok to be jealous in China. Maybe some girls like the jealousy thing but most don’t want a guy who shouts at her for checking out other dudes.

    Reply
  • February 22, 2010 at 8:08 am
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    路易

    ok ok, we get it, you are this “hot” white guy who gets all the women right? LOL yeah is that why most white men who come to China to get laid are unattractive individuals who cant find a date in their own country?

    Lets face it, I see most of these “foreign students” (male), you are not interested in China, you just cant get laid in your own country, so you come to China for some ass, cuz some of the women here are brainwashed into opening their legs for any white guy, sad I have to admit, this only gets into the way of true love.

    Please grow up man, everyone know why people like you came to China, and its disgusting, and you have the balls to pretend your some hot stuff? we all know u cant get laid in your own country thats why you came here “路易” LOL

    so dont give us this, “Chinese guys are this and that” we see right through you. lol

    Reply
  • February 22, 2010 at 1:17 pm
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    omg who said chinese guys are this and dat if anyone says anything they will have to deal with me…..i mean im totally into chinese guys and ….well im different to most girls….im really unattractive and i love chinese guys, they never look at me lol and the sad thing is even when i want to talk to them …all that comes out is wo ai ni…..yes i know thats too much for love at first sight ……andrew i agree white guys r nuthing but just ass grabbers when they come to china …damn i used bad words lol

    Reply
  • February 22, 2010 at 1:25 pm
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    andrew to get a chinese guy is hard not easy …..tried soo much =)

    Reply
  • February 22, 2010 at 11:59 pm
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    Something you should realize is that the only interaction that these guys have had, “romantically”, with white women is through porno clips. I know a few Chinese guys who consider white women overly concerned with enjoying life (hedonism), and not nearly concerned enough with marriage, child-rearing, care of elders, and the other serious topics that Chinese families face.

    Reply
  • February 23, 2010 at 5:50 am
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    Andrew, baby! Ouch ouch ouch. Calm down, I’ve only got eyes for two girls at the moment and neither of them is Chinese or self conscious cbc’s who are quick to make assumptions. This blog is about relationships, not sleeping around. Have you read anything that Jocelyn has written? Your pallid insensitivity, and lack of attention detail must drive women all the way over to China just to get away from you. I think you owe this forum an apology.
    And let me tell you, I saw a guy shouting at his girlfriend outside the front of my apartment building recently. Do you know what the neighbors did as she cowered in fear? Nothing. Can’t say that the experience didn’t leave an impression on me.
    Please don’t talk about my balls or comment on what you think I look like. That’s cool if you’re gay but I’m not so err on the side of maturity if you want to rant at me , I’m pretty sensitive. It’ gets me laid.

    Reply
  • February 23, 2010 at 8:03 am
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    woah, 路易 calmdown my sex machine of a white guy who’s here to apply judgment to all of us. I would not dare offend such a magnificent being, I’m just pointing out, most white guys like you who come to China are not here as ambassadors of good will, instead its for sex. And I’m sorry if I’m not a “pimp” like you, yeah me being Chinese and all, I’m so unattractive compare to the white guy I have to stay with one girlfriend right? HAHAHA

    LOL, look, not every body is so insecure that they have to brag on the net about how much he got laid. I’m happy with my ONE girlfriend because I love her, and I probably get it way better than you ever will, and I’m way happier.

    Yeah, I guess I’m a loser for just staying with one girl, I mean, I really want to be like you, so balanced and all, have to tell everyone how many women you supposedly “slept” with? cough cough, 40 year old teenage moron anyone?

    btw, I’m not against this inter racial dating, one of my closest friend is white and he dates a Chinese girl, I’m all for that when its true love, instead of some insecure bastard who travel to China to get some ass cuz he couldn’t get any at home, or some weird dude with an submissive Asian woman fetish.

    And plus, Asian male – white female couples are mostly together because of true love, cuz there is just so much social prejudice against them, infact, I think this social prejudice in itself is a test of their love for each other. So 路易, please, grow up man.

    Reply
  • February 23, 2010 at 8:14 am
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    Maria,

    If your in China, the best bet is take a course in a uni, like I said be sure to give hints like, “lets go out for a drink” or something like that, cuz if you say “wo ai ni” right away they might just think its a joke, probably think its cute but you know, nothing serious. Most of the time they get the hint if you two go out for a drink alone. The problem is that most Chinese guys don’t make the effort to ask a white girl out cuz they dont see couples like that, so they assume they are not interested. You can be the first!

    good luck

    Reply
  • February 24, 2010 at 1:39 am
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    Andrew, you totally offended me. You are Canadian, and so am I. I’m sorry if you’re imagination of me makes you so uncomfortabnle that you want to call me names. I’m so saddened to see that there are people out there like you who assume that all pretty white boys are viking marauders. You are seriously predjudiced against white males in China, and that may stem from being Asian in Canada. I really do think that the more western+Chinese couples there are the better because when the economy tanks and the U.S. and China start fighting over the last of the oil we’re gonna need some serious human capital over here to keep some peace. Sadly, you don’t care about relationships or intimacy. You seem to be a bigoted, close-minded person obsessed with sex and pretending to know what love is. You better keep this cordial buddy because we’re both 老外 (Canadian, no less) and we’re not unlikely to run into other here in China. How awkward would that be? Anyway I don’t like you at all. You just judge me and insult me and act like a child. I don’t like when people make up bad things about me and I mean for goodness’ sake, you could read my live journal at any time, but your’re so ignorant that you couldn’t be bothered – ergo saying all these silly things that aren’t true. I wasn’t put on this planet to judge others. I was put on this planet top collect samples and bring them back to my home planet. Deal with it.

    Reply
  • February 24, 2010 at 9:36 am
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    ok, master 路易 keep collecting samples, make sure to use a condom fellow Canadian, eh?

    Reply
  • February 24, 2010 at 12:51 pm
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    andrew and the other canadian guy , both calm down and andrew ur a sweetheart for giving all the advice i will surely follow it, im not a pure british person, im a half cast so its a little harder, and yes i realised saying “wo ai ni” not only makes them think i need rehab but it also makes them runaway in a very scary manner lol.

    Reply
  • February 25, 2010 at 6:45 am
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    Maria

    It really doesn’t matter what your ethnic makeup is, I think Chinese people are the least racist ppl in general.

    Good luck!

    Reply
  • February 25, 2010 at 12:33 pm
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    that hunny i will totally agree with, they are bby far the best people to stay with, that is why i love them =)

    Reply
    • February 27, 2010 at 10:58 pm
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      Everyone, first of all, thank you and — apologies for the late response. I’ve been battling a horrible flu all week long.

      @Friend, thanks for the comment, and for your insight into the Chinese perspective on dating. Very valuable.

      @Louieman, thanks for commenting.

      @Andrew, thanks also for sharing your thoughts. It’s great to hear from a guy who clearly believes in true love.

      @Maria, thanks for joining in the conversation. I agree with Andrew, that you’ll have to make the first move if you want to date a Chinese guy. Just don’t overwhelm him; get to know him first, as a friend. Most guys, Chinese or not, will probably feel odd if you go up to them and say “I love you” without knowing them. While you may want a Chinese guy, ultimately, you’re looking for the right one. The Chinese guys that I ended up dating (and the one I eventually married), I was friends with them first, and fell in love later. So, don’t get ahead of yourself…be friends first, and then see where things go.

      Definitely, don’t worry about being ethnically different — the right Chinese man won’t care what your ethnic makeup is, so long as you two are happy together.

      @Andrew (the other one), thanks for the comment, and your thoughts on racism in China. I actually hear your opinion less than the opposite, but I am glad to hear from someone who thinks the way you do.

      Reply
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  • March 18, 2010 at 3:22 pm
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    There is a tendency among western women to blame it all on Asian men. I suggest people like Priscilla look in the mirror for a long time. Western women may not date Asian (Chinese men) for several reasons..but let us not forget disapproval from family back home and fellow western co-workers. I think that is the main reason. Priscilla perhaps asked herself one question: Can I take this Chinese guy home to my parents..will they approve? Most likely not.

    Reply
    • March 19, 2010 at 7:29 pm
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      Hi George, thanks so much for the comment! It is true that some Western families would not accept an Asian son-in-law, and this would definitely discourage would-be couples. Sad that people still have such a mindset in this world.

      Reply
  • March 21, 2010 at 6:05 pm
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    ASIAN GUYS ARE THE BEST WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    Reply
    • March 22, 2010 at 11:13 am
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      Thanks for the comment, Ashley — I can assure you you’re in good company here, as many of my readers would agree!

      Reply
  • April 28, 2010 at 1:14 pm
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    I think this forum has been great. I really dont want to bring up this issue but i must say it is much easier for Caucasian women to end up with chinese men. I am half chinese half black and most asian men dont like me because yes simply i am black. Even though i can relate to them based on culture because my mother made sure to grow me up knowing about my chinese culture but still thats not enough. 🙁 All i can say is Asian girls and Caucasian girls have it much more easier than anyone who is mixed with black.:'(

    Reply
    • April 29, 2010 at 12:22 am
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      Hi Lianne, thanks so much for the comment. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a tough time. I have heard similar things from other foreigners. Still, there is Jo Gan — she’s an African American with a Chinese husband. Though she’s certainly the exception. I hope things will get better for you.

      Reply
  • May 1, 2010 at 10:58 am
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    Thanks a lot it especially feels terrible because i myself am chinese i sometimes feel rejected by my own people but you are very understanding. I hope you continue to blog i love reading your stuff and i think ur a great person 🙂

    Reply
    • May 1, 2010 at 2:32 pm
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      Hi Lianne, I bet it must feel terrible to be rejected like that. It’s sad that people still harbor such prejudices, but they do. Still, there will always be people out there who are the exception, and who are willing to look beyond your skin color — even in China. Don’t lose hope. 🙂

      Reply
  • May 10, 2010 at 8:28 am
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    Jocelyn wrote:
    >It is true that some Western families would not accept >an Asian son-in-law, and this would definitely >discourage would-be couples. Sad that people still >have such a mindset in this world
    I do agree with you. I’ve been falling in love with an italian girl who’s so lovely and has lots of common thoughts with me. she is more family-oriented than some girls in shanghai I think. we did love each other. but her father doesn’t like me. he’d kill me if I touch her daughter, lol. really sad story. anyway, wish you guys keep going together and happy forever!

    Reply
  • July 10, 2010 at 2:14 pm
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    Hi Jocelyn,

    This post is very interesting. I have come to know that how a chinese man should do and get to know a western woman. I think chinese men should be confident and get to know more western women, not only for the friendship but also for the potential love relationship. I think as a chinese man, I always find that to have a western girlfriends or wifes is a good thing for the chinese men. At least, I think most of the chinese men should become more clean, and improve their image in the eyes of western women. Be confident, be gentlemen. If I have a foreign friend, I would say, respect, understanding, communication is very important. The indepedence and freedeom for both are also very important. If I have one, I will build up a good image for my future wife. I hope I can find the one soon. I hope the other western women in China can find their true love in China soon. I believe, there are culture difference, language difference, and country border difference, but we are human, and love is no border. All the best!! Everyone!!!

    Reply
    • July 10, 2010 at 5:06 pm
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      Hi Harris,

      I’m so glad you found the article useful! It is absolutely possible to meet Western women in China — so many of them wish more Chinese men would get the courage to ask them out, to consider them for relationships. Trust me, if you put yourself out there in China, if you show that confidence, you will find a woman. Good luck, and please keep us posted! 🙂

      Reply
  • August 1, 2010 at 4:07 am
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    Thank you for this! But it’s easier said than done, and so long to be friends first! 🙁
    Thank you girls for demolishing some of the awful ideas Chinese men have about Western women by marrying here in China!

    Reply
  • August 28, 2010 at 1:36 pm
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    i like the Western girl,who want to live with me in China ,i can take care our family.wait u MSN:[email protected]

    Reply
  • September 23, 2010 at 10:01 am
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    hello…are you SWF out there, I am a AM and love to have SWF as girlfriend and stop a relationship. The thing is that I am in NYC, not in China..However, the shouldn’t stop us from meeting.

    Reply
  • September 23, 2010 at 8:51 pm
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    Oh oops…correction to my above comments…stop a relationship should be start a relationship…sorry ladies..:D

    Reply
  • September 27, 2010 at 2:00 am
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    I saw some encouraging points for chinese man being with western woman through this post, and of course, myself, would like to meet one in the near future. but a big discouraging factor is that some foreign family won’t approve inter marriage with asin man, i know this phenomenon is quite common in China, i broke up with my ex chinese girlfriend just because of this. it is a bit of sad to know some foreign family is against inter marriage with Asian man.

    anyway, i throw those bad effects away and still look on the bright side, I am pretty sure i will get one one day.

    Reply
  • September 27, 2010 at 7:48 am
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    Lee, I am a bit confuesd with your reply. Are you a chinese guy wanting to date a foreign female or vice verse. you mention about you wanted to meet a western woman and yet in the end you breaking up with an ex chinese gf because of family disapproval ? or you wanted to prusuit something else ? If you are Chinese and had a chinese gf, what’s the disapprove ?

    Reply
  • September 27, 2010 at 8:49 pm
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    Vin

    thanks for your message. i am a chinese guy who would like to date foreign female. and my ex girl friend is chinese, we split up because of family disapproval.
    excuse me that i’d like to say nothing about the disapprove, I show my respect to her family’s decision.

    Reply
  • September 28, 2010 at 7:27 am
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    Lee,

    As a Chinese I know how it sucks with the family disapproval and all that BS. However, regardless if your gf is chinese or foreign, I think the family disapprove is really not should be a concern. One thing I learn is that you should put the girl as first. Don’t get me wrong, you should respect the family (yours and hers), but more important, that’s why u want to marry the girl in the first place because you love the girl. A typical Chinese guy mistake is take the family pressure too heavily. The Heck with it. Remember, think about it, in the end it’s the girl who will be spending your life and time with, not the family. so who cares. right. they can disapprove all they want, they are not the one who will be sleeping with you every night. so…. Chinese ppl show way too much respect to ppl as we always view as inferior. soo…take my word take charge and man up..it’s for yourself do what you want and get what you want. you’ll be much happier.

    Reply
  • October 2, 2010 at 9:30 pm
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    Lee

    thanks for your message. for sure that it really sucks when family disapproval gets in the way. but inevitably when two gets together, it means the tie has established between two families as well. i really appreciate your support and i will put family disapproval aside, at least won’t let it affect me too much. your words are very encouraging and thank you again for the message. best wishes to you.

    Reply
  • October 25, 2010 at 5:49 am
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    Interesting. I will keep that in mind if I ever go to China.

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  • October 25, 2010 at 7:40 am
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    What do you mean Tara. haha ?

    Vin

    Reply
  • November 3, 2010 at 11:12 am
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    I made the first move to get to know my boyfriend, we have been together a year and a half. I’m actually 9 years older than him. There are many differences to over come, some cultural, some traditional and just because. Its not all plain sailing, but it is about being open, being honest and having a great sense of humour. I know lots of foreign guys with Chinese girlfriends or wifes. I don’t know any other foreign woman with a Chinese boyfriend or husband, but it does happen. You do get stared at A LOT! but after a while you stop noticing and after a while you stop arguing about how to cook eggplant too!! (ha ha).

    Reply
  • November 3, 2010 at 11:15 am
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    Amelie,

    congra. My gf is italian, so I am sure the eggplant issue will come up for me too…soy sauce or cheese !! haha

    Reply
  • December 3, 2010 at 1:39 pm
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    Well, judging by the posts and the comments, it may not be that difficult to find a Chinese guy after all! The down side…..I see I have some stiff competition! (joking….all in good fun ladies!)

    Thanks a million Jocelyn, making me feel all the more hopeful as always!

    For any Chinese guy who wants to find a western girl, don’t worry too much about the family. These attitudes are there sure, but there changing pretty quickly. Even if your girlfriends parents are upset at first, 80% of the time they come around once they realize your a good guy. If not, than there just racist plain and simple and if your girl truly loves you, she’ll stand by you and ignore them.

    And, Lianne, don’t give up sweetie! Just look at it this way, think of the quality guy your will find and all the not-so-quality men you’ll be spared compared to us White/Asian girls. He’ll be smart, open minded and, above all, a free thinker! Just think of your self as having a “filter” of sorts!

    Reply
  • December 28, 2010 at 3:41 am
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    I am an overweight 27 year old female living in Beijing for the past 2 months who is from the USA. I do not speak Chinese, but have many Chinese friends here. We all go out to night clubs every weekend and I am often getting an overwhelming response of attention at the clubs from the Chinese men. All my friends say I have a very beautiful face and the Chinese men say the same. Recently, I am starting to become more and more interested in the Chinese bartender who works at the club. We have a very pleasant flirtation of starring at each other and him telling me I am pretty. He also text messages me in Chinese and my friends help me understand and respond. I would like to progress further in this relation but I am afraid to scare him off or appear desperate. He is a student at a university and works 6 days a week/ 11 hours a day in order to support himself. I would like to ask him out but I am not sure if this is acceptable or should I just be patient and wait for him to take the next step. I am also concerned that he might feel overwhelmed to go out with me by feeling compelled to pay and he has no money, I would easily pay for our outing but who this make him feel not good? Any advice on my situation and how to progress in the relation?

    Reply
  • December 28, 2010 at 2:43 pm
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    isabella,

    just do it. no need to hesitate. the thing is to be open about it. Just make it like a hang out and not a date. just but open and say, nothing fancy, even street vendor or whatever. However, don’t offer to pay, this will really kill is “man ego” doesn’t matter he is chinese or not. It’s universal. so just take it easy..

    Reply
  • January 3, 2011 at 12:32 pm
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    I really find this attitude quite repulsive and offensive from the woman who you quoted. “shocked” to find that he’s pretty “cool”? “Shocked” you say? Not everyone, of course, can be as cool as the average expat chick in China but thanks for the nod. The arrogance displayed by that kind of attitude is quite unattractive. Most Chinese men are quite satisfied with only looking for Chinese female suitors. Most Chinese men only want a traditional Chinese family with Chinese children etc. They are perfectly happy living such a life without the good graces of a western wife. Has she ever gotten the idea that it’s may not be because Chinese men haven’t “man up” to her expectations but the fact that expat white girls tend to be on average 40 lbs heavier, and have significantly bigger noses and the fact that there is a language/cultural barrier that is stopping Chinese guys from talking to them? Surely it can’t be THAT!? After all white girls are the paradigm of beauty. That’s a known fact. If she wants to get involved romantically with a Chinese man, I suggest she woman up and instead of displaying these arrogant and condescending attitudes which tends to put off not only Chinese men but men in general (can you blame them?), make her moves more explicit.

    Reply
  • February 1, 2011 at 1:35 am
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    well done!I’m 19,but since I was a kid,I’d love to know the world,so I decided to marry a western woman(that’s why I’ve never been in love).this is a great way to know more about western girls,so I want to know you americans’style and society.be well prepared to meet a girl!

    Reply
  • February 2, 2011 at 3:06 am
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    Just to share some thoughts with everyone here, I have absolutely no intention to offend anyone.
    I guess I can call myself “almost” a Chinese Canadian, I am 38 yrs old, born in China & my family moved to Canada when I was a teenager. I have lived and spent more time in Canada than I’ve ever did in China, and I was educated via Canadian education system; having said that, I do believe I’ve got pretty good understanding about the cultures from both background.

    I think some people here may not realize that regardless if it is white man dating a Chinese girl or vice versa, language barrier is something that you just can’t ignore; sometimes just body language is never enough. You need to have the basic language set to communicate with your partner, share your thoughts etc to start with regardless who you are seeking; and definitely need a much deeper level understanding when you start to talking about the real “love & feelings”.

    One of my ex-gf is an American born Chinese, we’ve got a lot in common when talking about culture background, food etc, we talk in a mixed of Chinese and English all the time, the connection and chemistry has always been there. Another ex-gf is a Caucasian girl which I’ve met when I was working in Europe; Chinese people are more visible minority in Europe than in North America, so we definitely draw a lot more attention when we hold hands walking through the mall in Paris than in Toronto or L.A.. Lucky me, my family have always supported me regardless what type of girl was I seeing, but I do feel that I am more connected to the Chinese American girl I’ve dated due to similar background, and lesser degree compared with the Caucasian girl.

    I guess what am I trying to say is that, background is an important factor, if you have decided to date someone from complete different ethnic background, be prepared to learn how to compromise and respect each other, and definitely it requires a lot of effort from both side to make things work, than you would have if you were seeing someone from your own culture background.
    I know some stereotype Asian seeing have a white gf/bf as being superior, I am afraid that I must say that’s a very superficial thought even from a ONS stand point. If you love someone, don’t hesitate, just tell them, life is short, don’t let your shyness take your life away, just be brave, go for it, let him/her take your breath away!!
    At last, I would like to quote Martin Luther King’s words here ““I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”

    Any single girl out there find my writing is interesting?? Write me please, yes I am single and available! LOL …Email me at: [email protected]

    Reply
  • April 18, 2011 at 2:35 pm
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    I have an advice for Chinese men to get western women to notice you for sure! Open up yourselves! When you laugh, you laugh joyfully w/ lots of emotions to it. People in general like it when your voice is high and low with variations not like your voice is at a constant level like you’re a log. Keep the conversation exciting and charming . Be witty and funny. You can crack jokes but make sure give them one that will give them a six pack by laughing so hard. Your joke has to be some what unorthodox . They don’t know what hit them. By the time they recognize it , they laugh like hell already. If you open up and that will open the woman up too, you will have a chance. You won’t have a chance , even if you’re a tall, dark , full of muscles and handsome Chinese man if you don’t open your “golden mouth”. Any women will think first before they will give you a chance. Western women thinking –>” This Chinese man really has good people skills, he’s easy to talk to, he’s smart, he is not pushy, he’s caring ( eventhough he’s a stranger), he’s honest ,god damn he’s funny”. You don’t have to be a pick up artist to do this. Just be real, brothers!

    Reply
  • April 18, 2011 at 11:16 pm
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    cool,bruce!thx,buddy.

    Reply
  • April 20, 2011 at 2:26 pm
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    When I talk more and more with other Asian men that are currently dating western women, those men tell me that Western women don’t care much about the money part like ASian women do. Majority of Western women don’t care if you don’t have real estate ( apartment, home). Just go ahead and talk to them and befriend with them. Some western women might want “REAL” companionship and love which “some” of them lack at home. It doesn’t hurt to try to know a person. Not everything is about money man! If everything is based on money it’s an excuse to avoid a person or a subject! So keep on talking to those women, they will surprise you and knock your socks off! Another asian female friend told me last week that her friend (white women) has been teaching in Japan last yr and she likes and is looking for a Japanese bf. You see if you get surrouded by a culture and the men, you tend to find those men attractive. Same thing with Chinese men , once you talk to the right guys, you will find them attractive. Let’s not talk about love yet ,some western women might have full of lust dreaming about you CHinese men. ni hao lee hi oii big brother! lol . I know one 17 yrs old CHinese kid here and his mom is supportive of him dating his white gf. He has been dating several white gals . He told me that him and his friends would go to the mall and get girls( any girls , white , blacks , etc) telephone numbers. He got a bunch!!!!!He doesn’t call those numbers though. He said it’s just for fun. Well, he narrows down to this really nice white gal right now and he says she’s smarter than him and tells him to do his homeworks , etc. If Chinese men focus on courting women like we study 24/7 in school , isn’t it so easy like a piece of cake? It’s all about focus. Don’t think just do it!!!!!!!

    Reply
  • May 12, 2011 at 11:17 pm
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    Hello Jocelyn I am really admire your husband. He can
    meet and date marry with your such as pretty west girls
    I am living and working in Shanghai. But unlucky I don’t have chance to know and meet the west girls in Shanghai
    and don’t know how to know them. and where I can easy to say hello to them and be their friends. If any foreigner girls that working and living in Shanghai. Pls contact with me. I really want find a foreigner girls as
    girlfriends. I hope I can marry with a west girl like jocelyn
    Then have a nice family. My name is Frank. any my E-mail is [email protected]. and my skype is frankzhao555. my mobile is 13671918270. I am waiting for the good new. Thanks!

    Reply
  • May 13, 2011 at 2:48 pm
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    Just treat a woman like a real “LADY” with respects. We as men shouldn’t have any agenda talking to women in general. Be comfortible and calm . Be yourself. Women tend to share info after you leave.

    Reply
  • May 17, 2011 at 11:41 am
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    Frank,

    When you talk to western women , can you NOT tell them that you like western women. If I’m a western woman, I would feel awkward too and say” maybe my other gfs will like Chinese man as friend/bf. It’s another way of kicking you to the curb. Put your sixth sense to use man. Even with some men , they have troubles getting women of their own race,too. We should treat every single women the same whether they’re Asian or White. I would never treat a white woman differently from an Asian woman let me tell you. You’re getting woman to spend the rest of your life with you here. She’s not a trophy. The more you control a person, the more you push a person, she/he tends to move further away from you. If women see your honesty and you put all your passion to whatever you do, they will feel extremely attracted to you like freaking crazy glue!!!! I always give 150% of my effort in whatever I do. If we’re weak in one dept , we’re strong in another dept. When I was single and I enter a house full of women, I just treated any women the same. Of course, I knew a few female friends and they started to introduce more women to me to talk to. Those women can tell or can see through you if they like want they see and your personality etc.Women will chase you and initial everything from my experience. Last yr, I saw with my own eyes that a divorced woman was talking /chasing after a man when his wife just died from Cancer but they knew each other as friends for 15 yrs. I guess she found qualities in him that other men don’t possesses. You just have to talk and be attentive and understanding. I want to know if any MALE readers got chased by women before? I had that experience when I was single and available. Please tell me huh.:).. This is getting funnier to me now. lol

    Reply
  • June 8, 2011 at 7:26 pm
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    Thanks for your suggestion BRUCE, But I just following what I want to do. I think it’s my life. So I just do it.If any foreigner girls that working and living in Shanghai. Pls contact with me or let me know your E-mail I want
    have a cup coffee with you so we can start date. Thanks!
    I am 33 years I really want marry with foreigner white girls!

    Reply
  • June 8, 2011 at 10:37 pm
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    Frank,

    Well, if you think like this, don’t cry later on once you find a woman to marry you. Married Chinese women run away too. I know a few men here that their wives run away.It’s hard to explain here 🙁 I have a feeling that you will be used by women ( white, asian ,black etc). Personally, I never like to see another man cry over a woman. My words will be very rough on him . “Are you a freaking man or not, you sissy?” I only look after your interests, Frank. Send me your picture man . Let me take a good look at you so maybe I can assist you and guide you. First of all , women like a man’s personality to begin with and then looks is next. Damn if you have the charisma and looks , then it’s easy. I can’t believe you man! My friends pick up women left and right . you can’t even find a woman yet? .

    Reply
  • June 9, 2011 at 2:10 pm
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    Compatibility is extremely important in any relationship. You need to have similar interests and please do compromise when you have to. Actually, it’s not about having a white woman , Asian woman etc. If a person always hunts for a woman who is White ONLY, you won’t get the satisfaction that you need. You just fall in love with a person by coincidence ( not expected or planned). You know I’m a Chinese man and if my gf/wife is CHinese , that’s great ,too as long as she is compatible with me. My woman can be Latin or Black . I’m a multicultural person indeed. There shouldn’t be any special treatments for anybody ( White women or ASian women ,etc ) out there! A marriage is very complicated. Come to America and you will know :). THere are things always have to be talked and compromised in order to have a happy marriage. Thank you

    Reply
  • June 15, 2011 at 1:54 pm
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    Yes, if you see or look at life differently , women tend to be attracted to you. Women want men to lead sometimes even though they know how to do it. It’s the initiation that ignites a woman’s feelings toward a man. This sense of direction or goal from a man is very important ,too. Having more interests and hobbies are great! Women will know that you’re not a boring dude!!! My interests and hobbies can be very calm and relaxing and my other hobbies can be dangerous and deadly ( I like firearms). It’s healthy to have ongoing activities to do with your love interest . Maybe Chinese men can take White women for a long pony ride on sightseeing and have a picnic near a quiet river while listening to the sound of water flowing over a waterfall :). The ways of portraying your personalities are important also. You can’t be soft all the time you know. I’m soft, kind hearted, rough , sacrastic, thoughtful ,etc. I think as men, we should be dimensional and unpredictable. These are my opinions only, others might think differently.

    Reply
  • February 9, 2012 at 8:55 am
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    I feel much better after reading this article.
    I am 22, and have been living in one of the smaller cities not on the coast teaching English for the last five months. There are five of us here working at the same University. The guys have one by one gotten Chinese girlfriends, but the other female teacher and myself have not had any romantic developments. I’ve been feeling very lonely, and honestly had no idea how to meet someone to date who isn’t currently one of my students. You’ve given me some good ideas which I will try. Thank you.

    Reply
  • February 18, 2012 at 9:34 am
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    It will be much appreciated if anyone posts some articles to give advice on how to approach a Caucasian girl in the US.
    Thanks

    Reply
  • March 2, 2012 at 4:10 pm
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    “One girl in a circle of friends decides to give a Chinese guy a chance and is shocked to discover, he’s pretty cool. ”

    wtf?? Isn’t this kinda racist? It’s like me saying…”Well I talked to this Black guy I’m literally shocked, he can actually talk like an articulate white dude, holy shit, he can write too!”

    Reply
  • March 19, 2012 at 9:33 am
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    As a US-based Chinese guy, it has been tough to date white girls – as my college studies and work has been in IT. Just the basic ratio of guys to girls are overwhelming – never mind, having any preferences on the types of girls.

    I always wondered if there must be another career path which has the opposite balance of too many girls to guy ratio (there is – it’s in teaching)

    IN any case, love this forum and i hope it encourages more of the rare mix of AMWF mix – despite the Hollywood diss and general prejudices out there.

    Reply
  • December 23, 2012 at 6:31 pm
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    Another resource would be friends of a friend Chinese boyfriend / husband. I realized that when his friends ask him about life and they realize he has a foreign girlfriend, the reaction is usually: Does she have more friends for us? Can she introduce her to me?

    It also happened with a rural driver, she asked many times if I have a brother or friend for her daughter.

    So it is true, in China you need guanxi even for relationships! 😉

    Reply
  • Pingback:On Dating Chinese Men -- Or Why You Shouldn't Judge After Only One Date | Speaking of China

  • March 12, 2013 at 5:10 am
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    @FrankZhao,
    1.A kind suggestion, like they mentioned before, you don´t need to mention that you want a western woman. Then it means you are targeting a market which is based in Nationality instead of Personality.
    2. Then, the way to approach her should not be saying what you did in your post, just give the number, the email..Is not ok even when you ask that to someone you know.
    Something that I don´t really like is when someone asks me or my boyfriend if I have any foreign friend (female or male) for them. In my mind I can see a market, where you sell and buy meat from different origins and you trade with it.
    For people who ask me like that I just say: No I don´t, sorry. That´s my best and more polite answer for that kind of question.

    3. Bruce gave you a good advice, I see you explain what you want, but he is trying to help and you won´t get it if you are not open to what others say to you.

    4. Why white? So you don´t only target a geographic area you also tarket the color of the skin now?

    5. If you find a date, don´t talk about marriage and kids like people who say I want to buy bread and then eat it. Is not a shopping list.
    …and so on…

    Just think that our suggestions are here, for free, and to help you, so be nice!

    Reply
  • June 8, 2013 at 1:56 am
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    i am living in shanghai ,24years old local guy. i wanna find a serious relationship . i am quit easy-going . feel free contact me 😀
    email : [email protected]

    Reply
  • August 22, 2013 at 12:01 pm
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    Hi Jocelyn and commenters,
    It seems like most of western girls in China are able to communicate with their partners in mandarin. I am Chinese who has been living abroad for past 15 years. I was hoping to meet a western girl who speaks fairly good Chinese. It is not that I have hard time to communicate in English or the language of the country where I am resident in. But I suppose that if two partners are able to speak each other’s language should have a great deal of benefit on cross-cultural relationship. However, such case seems more difficult to be found in Europe than in China nowadays. Please let me know if you guys have any interesting ideas or suggestions. Thanks

    Reply
  • October 5, 2013 at 11:06 pm
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    Hi there Jocelyn. Great article there!

    I am quite interested in exploring this possibility, but since I am in Dongguan and there aren’t many expat single woman around here so I was just wondering if you know of any websites that could hook me up (maybe friendship/marriage…not one night stands) with a non-asian lady?

    I have tried dating through local websites, but well, I just can’t find someone who is on the same cultural wavelength (i have been staying overseas for the past 20 years) in China …. and well… hence the question.

    Hope to hear from you 🙂

    Reply
  • October 27, 2013 at 4:51 am
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    Hello
    after 8 years in china, I find it soooooo hard to date chinese men. Believe me i have tried! I cant count how many men I have met and dated a few times, only to find out they are married.

    Also, the lying about name, age, job, etc, is something I cannot get used to.

    When a Chinese male looks at me, I now ask myself ” is he married, does he just want to learn English, is he wanting wild sex”?

    I’m glad some of you have had good experiences, but I am officially DONE.
    Gina from Canada

    Reply
    • October 27, 2013 at 4:51 pm
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      Hi Gina,
      As a Chinese, I am very sorry to hear your experiences with Chinese men in China. I probably have not had similar experiences as yours. But I sort of understand why you have lost of your hope. Most of things I hear about China are from social media as I have lived abroad for many years, despite that I visit the country once a year for a short period of stay. I don’t know how China is seen through with your own eyes as a western, except for your emotional setbacks.
      I saw not too long ago an interview between one of the correspondents on Bloomberg TV with Sidney Rittenberg, who’d been the former translator of Mao Zedong. He said :” Mao would be happy to see China today’s economic power ; but he would not like to see the society, it kind of lost its soul.” Trustworthy, honesty, love and true friendship etc. these basic human needs seem to be disappearing, predominately in big cities. All these seemingly expanding negative factors make more and more difficult to find our soulmate in today’s society. The reason why I had written on this post a while ago is to see if I can get some opinions from Jocelyn and others regarding where I can meet a decent western girl who speaks some mandarin and understands some Chinese culture in China. This sounds silly, because I live in Europe, and I am surrounded by the westerns. I just thought it should help the relationship on certain level if my partner has minimum understanding of Chinese culture. However, this should not be regarded as an issue if the right person appears.
      I am 37 years old, divorced. I had lived in the United States before coming to France. I was classical musician for 20 years; changed my career a couple of years ago involved in international trading. My last relationship was with a Spanish girl, lasted for 3 years. I am trying to live my life to the fullest; meanwhile, I am waiting for my soulmate.

      I am open to learn and to share. I would be happy to hear from you and others with your thoughts.
      cheers,
      alex

      Reply
  • October 28, 2013 at 11:17 am
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    Gina,

    Sorry to hear that you didn’t find love in China. Finding dates and finding love are two different things. Maybe you need to find a guy like me who will never ever give up on someone. No matter what to the end!

    Bruce

    Reply

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