How can foreign women improve their chances to meet good Chinese men -- in China? (Pictured: my Chinese husband, John, sitting on the campus of Suzhou University)
Priscilla didn’t ask me anything. But after reading her February 12 opinion piece in the Global Times, titled “Chinese men: pull your weight”, I thought she needed some answers — especially when it comes to finding a good Chinese man. So I decided to pre-empt my scheduled Q&A this week, to help Priscilla.
Here’s an excerpt, where she discusses her interest in dating Chinese men — but lack of suitors:
One girl in a circle of friends decides to give a Chinese guy a chance and is shocked to discover, he’s pretty cool. The others also start testing the waters: flirting with that cute Chinese guy in a uniform, dancing with the tall one at the club, maybe even venturing to have a fling or two. And once the blinkers are lifted, ladies, you’ll discover that you are actually surrounded by attractive men.
But I am writing this as an enlightened foreign lady with several foreign lady friends and I can’t think of a single one who is dating a Chinese guy.
….one reason I can personally attest to is a lack of effort by Chinese men.
She ends the piece by exhorting all would-be Chinese suitors to “man-up” — be a real guy, and get the courage to ask Western women out.
My response?
Priscilla, sure — in some cases, Chinese men could try harder (with a caveat*). But how many will read your article? And of those, how many will change? Change comes slow, and I don’t know how long you’re willing to wait.
Really, though, you shouldn’t have to wait. There are things you can do, today, to improve your chances.
Look for love — in the right places
Are you looking for love in all the wrong places? Here’s a quote from this 2006 China Daily article, titled Foreign women label Beijing a dating wasteland:
“Most Chinese guys are really shy,” Patterson said. “They work really long hours and don’t come out to bars and parties, which is where you usually meet people.”
So, if your social calendar involves only bars, parties and events from the Beijinger and City Weekend, you’re on the wrong track.
I’m assuming you have a job in China. If not, get one — in a company that employs lots of young, single Chinese. Many Chinese meet their future spouses at work. I did.
Spend time at local universities with a large graduate student population — including twentysomething Chinese men who are single, and open to the possibility of a woman like you. One way to meet them is by attending or participating in low-cost or no-cost university events open to the public, from lectures to concerts (if you cannot read Chinese, have a Chinese friend help you find out what’s happening). Sometimes, universities, such as Beijing Normal University (BNU), have great evening social scenes — which means you can show up on an evening, and find the place filled with people. For example, BNU’s outdoor athletic facilities, built for the Asian Games, are like a magnet for young Chinese to run, play sports and even (as I witnessed one evening last summer) do Tibetan dancing.
And speaking of sports, why not join a local badminton or ping-pong club? A lot of Chinese men play, and the clubs function as a social scene to meet people.
But, really, if you speak Chinese, or are learning, you could meet great Chinese men almost anywhere. More and more foreign women — such as Jessica at the Local Dialect — have found love with a man who doesn’t speak much English. Jessica even knows a foreign woman who used a dictionary to help her woo a Chinese security guard.
Use the power of the people
As Chairman Mao once said, more people, more power (人多，力é‡å¤§).  And if you tap into the power of the people, you could meet your Chinese man.
It’s simple — just ask your close Chinese friends to introduce you to someone. Chinese often act as matchmakers to their friends, and they take it seriously, because it means their reputation too. Then, have your friend invite this Chinese man to a group dinner — or other activity — with several friends. It’s a great way to get to know the new man, but it takes the pressure off if you’re not interested.
Understand China
Understanding goes a long way in relationships — especially when it comes to China.
Your interest in China and Chinese culture — from studying Mandarin to learning the history — could make you even more attractive (unless you’re dating a really unconventional Chinese guy). Plus, it’s valuable as the relationship progresses. After all, if things get serious, you’ll probably be knee-deep in a lot of cultural conundrums that many Western women might not understand (the need to care for his parents, the necessity of having children to continue the family line, etc.).
Couples of Western women and Chinese men may be rare, but we’re out there. And we’d love to have you join us. Good luck!
Readers, what do you think? What else could Priscilla do to meet Chinese men? I’d love to hear from you!
* Even if the obstacles you mention aren’t there (no family pressure, not that traditional, not intimidated by your independence/socioeconomic status), language stops many Chinese men from making that move. Even if he finds you attractive or intriguing, he may worry his English isn’t good enough. Or, even worse, he may not speak English at all — or know that you speak Chinese (if that’s true).
** Remember, also — all Chinese men are not the same. Keep the cultural tendencies in mind, but meet every Chinese man as an individual. He might just be the exception (or simply exceptional, as my husband is. 
).
———–
Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China (or in Chinese culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by aimeenbarnes: Hey Ladies- “How Western Women Can Meet Chinese Men in China” by @jossailin http://tinyurl.com/ydmoy44...
ok this is what i needed…..i am totally into chinese guys…..i mean it i am the craziest and the biggest fan of china!!!! wo ai zhong guo ren but i need a boyfriend ..thanks for this love it
Man, it seems like everyone everywhere is talking about Western women with Chinese guys these days.
Of course I agree with you.
I also think there’s a point too where Western women in China, if they are interested in Chinese men, really need to stop giving themselves a head trip about it and just make that first move. For numerous reasons it just might not occur to the nice Chinese guy who you like to ask you out, but that doesn’t mean that if you make the first move he’ll shoot you down either. Most of our Chinese friends, male and female, are completely open to dating people of all nationalities (except maybe one .. three guesses on that), but of course they aren’t actively going after foreigners in particular (and that’s good — I have a feeling it might give us a bit of an icky feeling if they were). If you just say look, I’m going to date and I’m not going to limit myself to any particular nationality, and then go about choosing a guy the way you would back home, I don’t really see what’s so difficult about finding a Chinese boyfriend.
I think sometimes Western women are our own worst enemy when it comes to dating in China.
And by the way, boy isn’t that a lovely little picture to go with the Global Times piece, eh? I think it manages to offend on at least 3 levels, which isn’t easy.
Hi Maria, thanks so much for the comment, and glad you enjoy the site.
Hi Jessica, thanks for sharing your thoughts! You are so right about the whole “head trip” issue w/ Western women not wanting to make the first move. You just can’t expect Chinese guys to be able to make that first move — there really are so many things in the way (the obstacles, the inferiority factors, the language barrier) that why leave it up to chance? You don’t even have to make it a date or something. It can just be a casual suggestion, a “hey, maybe we can have tea or coffee or something to eat” sometime. I asked my husband out for our first lunch together — I’m sure he was so relieved, because he always felt so intimidated by my presence (he tells me this much later in our relationship) that he never thought he could have been close to me.
Yes, the illustration is SO offensive. I’d say it offends on 4 levels, if not more!
[...] Speaking of China – Jocelyn gives her female readers some tips on how they can improve their chances of finding a Chinese boyfriend. [...]
I’m a Chinese Canadian currently working in China, so I know both cultures very well.
Here is how I see it, most Chinese men in China thinks white girls are very “open” and are “experienced”, you know that might be a good thing in the west, but the logic is different in China. Here is why:
White guys tend to brag about how many girls he slept with, right?
but Chinese men aren’t into that, they tend to brag how the one girl he got is the best in the world. So in west a girl will probably dress and act a little easy to attract attention, but that actually will work against you in China.
To get a nice Chinese guy is easy! you just learn some Chinese and goto some events, Chinese men will be all over you! make sure you give the right signals though, sometimes, well most of the time they might think you just wanna be friends, and a really nice person.
Hi Andrew, it’s great to hear from you, and thanks for the comment!
Good point about not flaunting your sexuality. It is so true that Western women are often primed by cultural expectations that we need to “put it all out there” (in some cases, literally so!).
BTW, I’m smiling as I read your words about how Chinese men will brag that the girl he got is the best in the world. You know, my husband is always bragging about all of the great things I do in front of his friends — now I know why.
Someone thinks this story is fantastic…
This story was submitted to Hao Hao Report – a collection of China’s best stories and blog posts. If you like this story, be sure to go vote for it….
Yeah, I think it does depend a lot on what type of relationship you all want to be involved in.
IMO, a lot of Chinese guys, when looking for a serious relationship, they are looking for Queens to share their “private kingdom…work/family/etc…” with, not really princesses to pamper or a servant in the house. Someone who could “enter the kitchen and be present in the court”.
Sometimes, and I don’t mean it in a negative way, sometimes the women who aren’t familiar with anything Chinese kind of have to present or show that side of their personality that can “handle anything”. One unfortunate stereotype I’ve heard from many people, especially the elders, is that non-Chinese women can’t handle or endure as much as Chinese women. It might just be an issue for some people so this may not apply to everyone. This generalization could be an obstacle for some potential couples. So I guess it would help to think about that and try to find ways to work with it.
I think the the chance is probably higher meeting interesting guys through friends, work and school over parties and bars. You might find someone at those fun places but it depends. I personally know of one Chinese guy from Guangzhou who met an American woman (who was an advisor at the university I attended) got married and have two kids. They met through friends, which seems to be more and more popular.
When I was a university student in Harbin I tried pretty hard to hook my Chinese roommate up with a foreign girl. It wasn’t easy because if a foreign girl is good looking she’ll be the object of attention for alot of foreign dudes. These are people who can relate to her very easily and are likely to have much in common with her. If you’re Chinese and not freaking awesome in everyway then it’s going to be pretty difficult to get her attention. Also there’s the jealousy thing. It’s ok to be jealous in China. Maybe some girls like the jealousy thing but most don’t want a guy who shouts at her for checking out other dudes.
路易
ok ok, we get it, you are this “hot” white guy who gets all the women right? LOL yeah is that why most white men who come to China to get laid are unattractive individuals who cant find a date in their own country?
Lets face it, I see most of these “foreign students” (male), you are not interested in China, you just cant get laid in your own country, so you come to China for some ass, cuz some of the women here are brainwashed into opening their legs for any white guy, sad I have to admit, this only gets into the way of true love.
Please grow up man, everyone know why people like you came to China, and its disgusting, and you have the balls to pretend your some hot stuff? we all know u cant get laid in your own country thats why you came here “路易” LOL
so dont give us this, “Chinese guys are this and that” we see right through you. lol
omg who said chinese guys are this and dat if anyone says anything they will have to deal with me…..i mean im totally into chinese guys and ….well im different to most girls….im really unattractive and i love chinese guys, they never look at me lol and the sad thing is even when i want to talk to them …all that comes out is wo ai ni…..yes i know thats too much for love at first sight ……andrew i agree white guys r nuthing but just ass grabbers when they come to china …damn i used bad words lol
andrew to get a chinese guy is hard not easy …..tried soo much =)
Something you should realize is that the only interaction that these guys have had, “romantically”, with white women is through porno clips. I know a few Chinese guys who consider white women overly concerned with enjoying life (hedonism), and not nearly concerned enough with marriage, child-rearing, care of elders, and the other serious topics that Chinese families face.
Andrew, baby! Ouch ouch ouch. Calm down, I’ve only got eyes for two girls at the moment and neither of them is Chinese or self conscious cbc’s who are quick to make assumptions. This blog is about relationships, not sleeping around. Have you read anything that Jocelyn has written? Your pallid insensitivity, and lack of attention detail must drive women all the way over to China just to get away from you. I think you owe this forum an apology.
And let me tell you, I saw a guy shouting at his girlfriend outside the front of my apartment building recently. Do you know what the neighbors did as she cowered in fear? Nothing. Can’t say that the experience didn’t leave an impression on me.
Please don’t talk about my balls or comment on what you think I look like. That’s cool if you’re gay but I’m not so err on the side of maturity if you want to rant at me , I’m pretty sensitive. It’ gets me laid.
woah, 路易 calmdown my sex machine of a white guy who’s here to apply judgment to all of us. I would not dare offend such a magnificent being, I’m just pointing out, most white guys like you who come to China are not here as ambassadors of good will, instead its for sex. And I’m sorry if I’m not a “pimp” like you, yeah me being Chinese and all, I’m so unattractive compare to the white guy I have to stay with one girlfriend right? HAHAHA
LOL, look, not every body is so insecure that they have to brag on the net about how much he got laid. I’m happy with my ONE girlfriend because I love her, and I probably get it way better than you ever will, and I’m way happier.
Yeah, I guess I’m a loser for just staying with one girl, I mean, I really want to be like you, so balanced and all, have to tell everyone how many women you supposedly “slept” with? cough cough, 40 year old teenage moron anyone?
btw, I’m not against this inter racial dating, one of my closest friend is white and he dates a Chinese girl, I’m all for that when its true love, instead of some insecure bastard who travel to China to get some ass cuz he couldn’t get any at home, or some weird dude with an submissive Asian woman fetish.
And plus, Asian male – white female couples are mostly together because of true love, cuz there is just so much social prejudice against them, infact, I think this social prejudice in itself is a test of their love for each other. So 路易, please, grow up man.
Maria,
If your in China, the best bet is take a course in a uni, like I said be sure to give hints like, “lets go out for a drink” or something like that, cuz if you say “wo ai ni” right away they might just think its a joke, probably think its cute but you know, nothing serious. Most of the time they get the hint if you two go out for a drink alone. The problem is that most Chinese guys don’t make the effort to ask a white girl out cuz they dont see couples like that, so they assume they are not interested. You can be the first!
good luck
Andrew, you totally offended me. You are Canadian, and so am I. I’m sorry if you’re imagination of me makes you so uncomfortabnle that you want to call me names. I’m so saddened to see that there are people out there like you who assume that all pretty white boys are viking marauders. You are seriously predjudiced against white males in China, and that may stem from being Asian in Canada. I really do think that the more western+Chinese couples there are the better because when the economy tanks and the U.S. and China start fighting over the last of the oil we’re gonna need some serious human capital over here to keep some peace. Sadly, you don’t care about relationships or intimacy. You seem to be a bigoted, close-minded person obsessed with sex and pretending to know what love is. You better keep this cordial buddy because we’re both è€å¤– (Canadian, no less) and we’re not unlikely to run into other here in China. How awkward would that be? Anyway I don’t like you at all. You just judge me and insult me and act like a child. I don’t like when people make up bad things about me and I mean for goodness’ sake, you could read my live journal at any time, but your’re so ignorant that you couldn’t be bothered – ergo saying all these silly things that aren’t true. I wasn’t put on this planet to judge others. I was put on this planet top collect samples and bring them back to my home planet. Deal with it.
ok, master 路易 keep collecting samples, make sure to use a condom fellow Canadian, eh?
andrew and the other canadian guy , both calm down and andrew ur a sweetheart for giving all the advice i will surely follow it, im not a pure british person, im a half cast so its a little harder, and yes i realised saying “wo ai ni” not only makes them think i need rehab but it also makes them runaway in a very scary manner lol.
Maria
It really doesn’t matter what your ethnic makeup is, I think Chinese people are the least racist ppl in general.
Good luck!
that hunny i will totally agree with, they are bby far the best people to stay with, that is why i love them =)
Everyone, first of all, thank you and — apologies for the late response. I’ve been battling a horrible flu all week long.
@Friend, thanks for the comment, and for your insight into the Chinese perspective on dating. Very valuable.
@Louieman, thanks for commenting.
@Andrew, thanks also for sharing your thoughts. It’s great to hear from a guy who clearly believes in true love.
@Maria, thanks for joining in the conversation. I agree with Andrew, that you’ll have to make the first move if you want to date a Chinese guy. Just don’t overwhelm him; get to know him first, as a friend. Most guys, Chinese or not, will probably feel odd if you go up to them and say “I love you” without knowing them. While you may want a Chinese guy, ultimately, you’re looking for the right one. The Chinese guys that I ended up dating (and the one I eventually married), I was friends with them first, and fell in love later. So, don’t get ahead of yourself…be friends first, and then see where things go.
Definitely, don’t worry about being ethnically different — the right Chinese man won’t care what your ethnic makeup is, so long as you two are happy together.
@Andrew (the other one), thanks for the comment, and your thoughts on racism in China. I actually hear your opinion less than the opposite, but I am glad to hear from someone who thinks the way you do.
[...] Jocelyn Eikenburg from twitter for @raykwong tweeted one of her articles:How Western Women Can Meet Chinese Men in China. Well, as you can see, the content is really solid with lots of personal experiences. I bet you can [...]
There is a tendency among western women to blame it all on Asian men. I suggest people like Priscilla look in the mirror for a long time. Western women may not date Asian (Chinese men) for several reasons..but let us not forget disapproval from family back home and fellow western co-workers. I think that is the main reason. Priscilla perhaps asked herself one question: Can I take this Chinese guy home to my parents..will they approve? Most likely not.
Hi George, thanks so much for the comment! It is true that some Western families would not accept an Asian son-in-law, and this would definitely discourage would-be couples. Sad that people still have such a mindset in this world.
ASIAN GUYS ARE THE BEST WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Thanks for the comment, Ashley — I can assure you you’re in good company here, as many of my readers would agree!
Another great reason for Chinese-white babies
Hybrid Vigor
+ higher IQ babies with virtually zero possibility of hereditary disease.
+ gorgeous!
http://veehd.com/video/2046621_Is-Being-Mixed-Race-Better-DSR-XviD-avi
I think this forum has been great. I really dont want to bring up this issue but i must say it is much easier for Caucasian women to end up with chinese men. I am half chinese half black and most asian men dont like me because yes simply i am black. Even though i can relate to them based on culture because my mother made sure to grow me up knowing about my chinese culture but still thats not enough.
All i can say is Asian girls and Caucasian girls have it much more easier than anyone who is mixed with black.:’(
Hi Lianne, thanks so much for the comment. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a tough time. I have heard similar things from other foreigners. Still, there is Jo Gan — she’s an African American with a Chinese husband. Though she’s certainly the exception. I hope things will get better for you.
Thanks a lot it especially feels terrible because i myself am chinese i sometimes feel rejected by my own people but you are very understanding. I hope you continue to blog i love reading your stuff and i think ur a great person
Hi Lianne, I bet it must feel terrible to be rejected like that. It’s sad that people still harbor such prejudices, but they do. Still, there will always be people out there who are the exception, and who are willing to look beyond your skin color — even in China. Don’t lose hope.
Jocelyn wrote:
>It is true that some Western families would not accept >an Asian son-in-law, and this would definitely >discourage would-be couples. Sad that people still >have such a mindset in this world
I do agree with you. I’ve been falling in love with an italian girl who’s so lovely and has lots of common thoughts with me. she is more family-oriented than some girls in shanghai I think. we did love each other. but her father doesn’t like me. he’d kill me if I touch her daughter, lol. really sad story. anyway, wish you guys keep going together and happy forever!
Hi Jocelyn,
This post is very interesting. I have come to know that how a chinese man should do and get to know a western woman. I think chinese men should be confident and get to know more western women, not only for the friendship but also for the potential love relationship. I think as a chinese man, I always find that to have a western girlfriends or wifes is a good thing for the chinese men. At least, I think most of the chinese men should become more clean, and improve their image in the eyes of western women. Be confident, be gentlemen. If I have a foreign friend, I would say, respect, understanding, communication is very important. The indepedence and freedeom for both are also very important. If I have one, I will build up a good image for my future wife. I hope I can find the one soon. I hope the other western women in China can find their true love in China soon. I believe, there are culture difference, language difference, and country border difference, but we are human, and love is no border. All the best!! Everyone!!!
Hi Harris,
I’m so glad you found the article useful! It is absolutely possible to meet Western women in China — so many of them wish more Chinese men would get the courage to ask them out, to consider them for relationships. Trust me, if you put yourself out there in China, if you show that confidence, you will find a woman. Good luck, and please keep us posted!
Thank you for this! But it’s easier said than done, and so long to be friends first!
Thank you girls for demolishing some of the awful ideas Chinese men have about Western women by marrying here in China!
i like the Western girl,who want to live with me in China ,i can take care our family.wait u MSN:luozhenlin@live.cn
呵呵 有意思
haha its so hard