I’m…wondering about the “disappearing” as I had it happening not long ago with a Chinese guy that I had come to really really like … Not really disappearing in my case, but withdrawing any sign of romantic interest completely and abruptly decreasing communication after six months. I think what makes it hard and confusing is that those Asian men seem to be so caring, reliable and seriously be interested (compared to the men I see where I live) that when it happens it is very very surprising, hurtful and disappointing. Maybe Jocelyn could have a post that elaborates on this behaviour, possible reasons, and how to deal with communicating or acting around those men when it happens?
When Chinese men “disappear” from a relationship — something that, in my experience, normally only happens when a relationship is just getting started or in the early stages — there’s always a reason why…and the reason usually falls into one of the following categories:
- A negative experience he had with you — something you did or said that turned him off
- A negative experience you had nothing to do with — such as losing his job or failing a dissertation defense
- Family opposition — for example, his parents don’t want him to marry a Western woman.
So first of all, ask yourself if you had anything to do with his disappearing act. It’s worth considering this since several of the women who submitted stories about love lost claim their actions/words played a role in turning guys off. Of course, I’m not suggesting you should rush to take responsibility if you had nothing to do with things! But if you realize you might have done something wrong, consider apologizing.
Otherwise, the reasons are either #2 or #3. If you think back, you might even stumble upon clues that suggest one or the other. But realize that he might not necessarily tell you the reason, and even if he does, he might not volunteer many details. From my experience, guys are usually more likely to tell you something if it’s a family-related reason, but not quite as likely to tell you if it’s a personal issue/crisis. (I’m reminded of a friend of mine — a guy from Central China — who failed graduate entrance exams several years in a row and during that time wouldn’t even contact one of his best friends.)
While we all want to know why someone “disappeared” from our lives, perhaps the more important question is how you might get them back? Here’s a thought — think about all the positives you shared with him in the relationship. What brought the two of you together? What strengths exist between you? Why did you ultimately fall in love? Go ahead, ponder these ideas, even write down your answers — and then, share them at some point with him. You could e-mail him or call him or text him, whatever seems most comfortable. It would remind him about all the good things you had together and maybe — just maybe — give him the motivation to come back. I know, I know, it’s a long shot. But as my husband’s advisor once said, if you have even a kernel hope, it’s worth 100% of your effort.
In the end, though, if you share all the positives and he still remains distant, then perhaps it’s time for you to distance yourself from him and move on.
What do you think?
Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture or Western culture? Send me yours today.