After her recent dating experiences in China, a woman wonders, should she expect Chinese men to have higher numbers of sexual partners and/or experience with prostitutes? (photo, a still of a sex scene from "Lust, Caution," from http://www.guardian.co.uk)

Anonymous asks:

I read your piece about dating pasts and Chinese men, but I have been having the opposite experience. I have dated some Chinese men in China. On each occasion as I became closer with the respective guy I was dating at the time, discussion of sexual history came up. Each had a fairly sizable number of partners (into double digits) and/or they had had sex with a prostitute. All other things considered, these were nice guys who treated me respectfully and didn’t seem to be players. I appreciated their truthfulness, but their sexual history combined with often poor sexual health practices (I blame poor sex-ed) kept me from becoming physically involved with any of them. My questions are these:

Are the men I’m meeting just outliers, or are higher numbers of  sexual partners increasingly common among Chinese men in their 20s?

Could Westernization partially account for the higher number of partners?

—-

I’ve met my share of bad boys in China. The guy who flirted with me, but had a fiancee. One college student who boasted of how many women he slept with, another who visited prostitutes. Even among my husband’s friends, one guy used QQ to score one night stands, and another who taught college slept around with one student after another.

And let’s not forget all of those articles we’ve all read — from college students in China shacking up in rent-by-the-hour hotels to how premarital sex is okay with most young Chinese.

But that doesn’t mean players — and those with prostitutes in their past — are the new norm in China.

James Farrer, one of the few scholars out there studying sexuality in China, recently put out a study about premarital sex, summarized on Chinashmina. Here are some highlights:

For Chinese young adults the requirement for having sex is the comparatively high level of commitment in relationships. It is most usually expressed through promises “to work hard, buy a house, or take the other traveling or as vows, such as I‘ll love you forever or I‘ll make you happy for a lifetime”. Even if these promises haven’t been voiced, there is often a mutual commitment to the common future.

Premarital sexual relationship, however, does not automatically qualify as engagement and Chinese accept that “sometimes things don’t work out.”

…

Many Chinese interviewees in Farrer’s research expressed the opinion that sex is appropriate only for people who have almost finished their education and are economically independent.

It is probably the result of relative intolerance of Chinese education institutions towards the intimacy (dating) between students.

Of course, Farrer only published his paper based on interviews with a small sample of people in Shanghai (111 interviews total) and the interviews happened between 2002 and 2007. But he’s still respected in the field and his findings make sex in China look relatively conservative.

So does this post from Middle Kingdom Life on sex and Chinese women:

In the context of such a linear and rapid path to coupling in China, it should be readily apparent that casual sex is virtually non-existent here for all but highly Westernized girls and those born and raised in Beijing, Shanghai and, to a lesser extent, Guangzhou. Although social mores in this regard are slowly changing, it would not be unusual to find even a 30-year old virgin in China for—although it doesn’t mean very much in the West—virginity at marriage, still to this day, means something in China, very much so. In a study conducted by the Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences, 60 percent of 500 single men and women between the ages of 20 and 30 years, living in 25 neighborhoods, reported that virginity is a marriage requirement, while only 16.5 percent claimed that it didn’t matter (People’s Daily, 2003).

Yes, the page is getting dusty (I think they wrote this in 2007), but I don’t think it’s off the mark even for 2012. Notice the asterisk they put on their take on sex in China — that it doesn’t apply to highly Westernized girls or those born/raised in one of the three big cities in China. Which makes me think, chances are you’ve met the kind of highly Westernized guys or locals from one of the big cities, guys that do sex differently from the majority.

But this still doesn’t explain why you ended up finding so many of these guys. I have a theory, though — the “foreign women are sluts” stereotype. It took me years before I realized that I attracted more sexually “open” Chinese men, often guys that I never would have expected to have a player side to them.

Fortunately, though, China still has plenty of good guys to go around. I snagged myself one, who says you won’t too?

What do you think? What’s your take on this question?

—–

Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

Possibly Related Posts:

1. Ask the Yangxifu: Staring in China at Couples of Chinese Men-Western Women
2. Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend Seems Too Chinese To Western Girlfriend
3. Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend Never Plans Our Dates

Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Men, Sex and Prostitution | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

Red envelope, hongbao, lai see -- whatever you call them, remember, at Chinese New Year, these are more for kids, not your boyfriend or girlfriend.

D asks:

I’m dating a cute Cantonese boy, although he was born in Canada himself (along with his brother), his parents are from China. His parents are pretty strict about him dating period, never mind dating a white girl like myself.

Chinese New Year is coming up, and I know it’s a time where the older give to the younger. As I’m older than my boyfriend by a few years, would it be odd if I had gotten him one of the special lai see envelopes with money in it? Or is that just strictly family related?

—–

During Chinese New Year, I always saw the dragon’s share of hongbao (the Mandarin term for lai see) go from parents and grandparents to the smallest members of the family — like the “treasured grandson,” my nephew. Even though my father-in-law would save a red envelope for me and my husband, I knew one thing for certain. Hongbao/lai see at Chinese New Year — these are for kids.

Don’t even think about slipping your boyfriend a red envelope — it’s the gifting equivalent of asking him to sit at the children’s table.

Instead, try a more grown-up approach to gift-giving: new clothing. Many Chinese will start the first day of the new year off in auspicious style with a completely new, never-before-worn set of clothes. You don’t have to go as far as something new from head to toe, as my mother-in-law does. But you could pick him up, say, a nice shirt or sweater, or some socks.

Still, the envelopes should remind you of one thing. If you buy him clothing, get it in red.

Happy Chinese New Year! 龙年快乐!

What do you think? What advice do you have?

Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

Possibly Related Posts:

1. Ask the Yangxifu: How to impress your Chinese boyfriend’s (or girlfriend’s) family during Chinese New Year
2. Chapter 45: Paying Respects and Pondering Family
3. Chapter 42: New Clothes for Chinese New Year

Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese New Year Red Envelopes For Boyfriend? | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

Accomplished Chinese food writer and yangxifu Carolyn J. Phillips talks with me about food and what it takes to charm your Chinese family at the table. (photo from zesterdaily.com)

A few weeks ago, Carolyn Phillips wrote this to me:

Food is such an integral part of Chinese culture that it’s really hard to fit into a Chinese family if one isn’t adept at the cuisine. I suppose this is true to some extent with any country, but the Chinese are probably on par with the French and Italians when it comes to the importance of dining well. 

This is probably doubly important when a yangxifu doesn’t speak Chinese fluently but still hopes to be accepted. Have your readers talked much about this? I truly feel that the old saw about the way to a man’s stomach etc is gospel for us yangxifu.

Carolyn should know — she’s a yangxifu who devoted her adult life to mastering the art of Chinese cooking. She blogs about food at Out to Lunch and tweets about it as @MadameHuang. She’s also working on two forthcoming books on the subject — “Simple Pleasures from a Chinese Kitchen: Authentic Seasonal Recipes from Every Region of China” and “Culinary Goddesses: The Women Who Changed Our Dining Landscape… Recipes Included.” — and is a regular contributor writing about Chinese food for Zester Daily. In addition, she’s even fluent enough in Mandarin to do court interpreting.

In any event, Carolyn has discovered a thing or two about what it takes to woo a Chinese family that truly loves to eat through food. So I sat down with her — from one yangxifu to another — to talk about all things related to food and Chinese family. As Chinese New Year approaches, it’s a topic that will come in handy for lots of readers.

Just be warned, Carolyn mentions a lot of delicious Chinese food with links to her recipes — you may not want to read this one on an empty stomach.

—–

Carolyn Phillips and her husband, J.H. Huang.

How did food play a role when you were dating your husband?

Oh my. My first dinner for my boyfriend was a disaster. It was the only Chinese food I knew how to make – egg foo yung, sweet-and-sour pork, fried rice – and it is a wonder he didn’t fly out the door.Fortunately for me, he nibbled at it politely and then took me out to buy me my first Chinese-language cookbook. Of course, I could barely read from it way back then, so he made some really delicious things out of it, like a braised duck that fell apart at the first touch. That dish was exquisite, and I soon just hovered over him and gradually took over.

I’ve also been fortunate in that while J.H. has a good palate, he’s not a picky eater. Over the years he’s managed to swallow more than his share of dog’s breakfasts, and I love him for that.

We spent all of our courtship time in Taipei, which in the late 1970’s was probably the center of the Chinese culinary universe. When the Nationalists left the Mainland for Taiwan in 1949, most of the great chefs fled, too. And while some settled in Hong Kong, Europe, America, or Japan, it seems that the lion’s share went to Taipei.

Prior to the mid-70’s, though, Taiwan was anything but wealthy. This was, after all, where transistor radios and cheap clothes came from, and it was not until a huge industrial boom and the tech revolution took place that people in Taiwan had the money to pursue fine dining.

I was therefore in the right place at the right time.

So, as over the course of our relationship, my then-boyfriend showed me what good Chinese food really was and turned me into a genuine foodie by feeding me superb Shanghainese cuisine, hearty noodles and beef from the Islamic northwest, delicate dishes from Fujian and Zhejiang, tasty seafood from his mother’s home town of Tianjin, and the delightful favorites of his father’s Hakka people.

Then, I got a job as an editor/translator for two major cultural institutions, where the directors were gourmands. They wanted me along on all of their feasts because of their many foreign guests. I was thus paid to eat the best China had to offer… how much better in life does it get? And then I came back home and cooked from memory.

That is how I learned about Chinese food and that is how my husband came to love my cooking.

Tell us about your first experience cooking for your Chinese family. How did it go and what did you learn from it?

I don’t really remember the first time I cooked for them… it was over three decades ago! But I do recall that each person had favorite dishes I would make for them.

My mother-in-law was very homesick for Tianjin style food, and there were no such restaurants in Los Angeles, so I pumped her for recollections of the foods she had eaten as a child.

Wowotou'er

One of them was the little steamed cornmeal thimbles known as wowotou’er; I had eaten them before in Taipei, so I figured out how to make them. They were a big hit alongside some Tianjin style fish and her favorite prawns. She had also mentioned how much she missed the wowotou’er made with chestnut flour, so I experimented and made those, too. I don’t think she ever got over that first bite because it was like her childhood had been returned to her on a plate.

My brother-in-law has always adored heavy flavors, and he flipped over the stir-fried chicken livers I made for him. From then on, that was a dish he constantly requested, and I could count on him to devour at least half of the platter.

My father-in-law had an enormous sweet tooth, and he especially loved those that were sticky in texture, so I would make him things like Malay cake, rolling donkeys, and water chestnut pudding whenever we came to visit.

Others preferred Taiwanese dishes, and some wanted nothing but fried chicken (Chinese or American… it didn’t matter!). Whatever it was, I made sure to have it ready so that they felt pampered.

I often tell people that I built a relationship with my mother-in-law by asking her to teach me some of her recipes. Have you also done the same with your family?

Tianjin-style fish

Oh yes. However, the cook in my husband’s family was not his mother, but his father. A retired Air Force colonel, my father-in-law was a very gifted cook who created Hakka specialties for us, especially on Chinese New Year.

I would try to help him, but he was always so slow and precise that we soon lost patience with each other. That did not keep me from hanging around and studying his secrets, though!

With such a large number of individualists in the family, we used to create favorite foods in our own kitchens and then bring them together for family celebrations; less stress and lots more happy diners that way.

Another thing that I have tried to do over the years is to adapt American traditional foods to Chinese tastes. This has resulted in holiday feasts that the whole family can enjoy.

What Chinese food-related dos and don’ts do you wish someone had told you before you married your husband?

Malay cakes

That Chinese food is not all that hard to make.

That it is not simply an assortment of stir-fries.

That there is not one monolithic Chinese cuisine, but rather that it is a patchwork of stellar cuisines, each delicious in its own way and yet also very different.

It took me ages to open up my eyes to the incredible incarnations that Chinese cuisine assumes. I learned to eat real Chinese food during my first years in Taiwan, so I had originally assumed that Taiwanese food equaled Chinese food.

That was simply not the case! Trips to Hong Kong instilled a love for glorious Cantonese dishes with their sublime simplicity and for the divine seafood of Chaozhou, up near Fujian province.

And after my boyfriend took me under his wing, we ate subtle dishes from northern Fujian, cinnamon-flavored jiaozi from a Chinese Muslim stall, richly flavored pork dishes served up by cranky old soldiers from Jiangsu, refined vegetarian meals at Buddhist temples, and savory snacks in the many night markets.

You see, opening up your mouth to real Chinese food is all about opening up your mind. I wish someone had told me that.

We nibbled on braised duck tongues while watching kung fu movies, ate mountains of eels, worked out way through enormous sea cucumbers, and cooked our own pig heads. None of this had ever even figured as food to me before. But I ate and I learned and I enjoyed just about everything.

But what I really want to get across is this: the way to learn about China is through its food. First you have to understand and appreciate it, and then you have to cook it yourself. This opens so many doors, not only to new friends, but to new places in your mind.

China and her foods are as intrinsically intertwined as France and her cuisines. You simply cannot love China without loving her way of preparing ingredients. And you can’t love her food without exploring all of the permutations in this vast, virtually unexplored cuisine. Her food even teaches you about history, if you care to listen.

My husband has become more adventurous in terms of eating over the years, but his stomach still prefers Chinese. But I can’t eat Chinese all the time — it got to the point where the two of us now eat separate things during lunch, so I can get my non-Chinese-food fix. Have you ever had similar clashes at the family table — and if so, how did you solve them?

Beijing-style smoked chicken

I am very fortunate in that my husband has always loved Western food and actually prefers coffee to tea!

That is not to say that he wouldn’t pick Chinese food over Western for every meal if he had his druthers. He even has made a joke of it: Mei jiangyou, mei weidao (no soy sauce, no flavor).

But he does love to eat, and he has developed a real love for many Western cuisines, and I think he could probably live quite happily on French food for the rest of his life if he got a hit of soy sauce every once in a while. It all comes down to whether or not it is well made food.

So, what I’ve done over the years is to cook and learn from the masters, like Madeleine Kamman, Julia Child, and Patricia Wells for French, Claudia Roden and Paula Wolfert for Mediterranean, Marcella Hazan for Italian, Deborah Madison and Mollie Katzen for vegetarian, James Beard and Marion Cunningham for American. You just can’t go wrong with them, and even the most persnickety eater will soon surrender to these perfect recipes

The secret is to make Western foods that appeal to the same preferences your fiancé/husband has in Chinese dishes. Does he like spice? Noodles? Rice? Eggs? Lots of meat or vegetables? These are all clues to making Western dishes that pass muster.

I will point out that I have made it very clear to my family that I’m not a short order cook, and whatever comes out of the kitchen is what is being served. That being said, I do more or less cater to their tastes. But then again I love Chinese food, and as far as I’m concerned, I could live on Chinese food for the rest of my days… as long as I got a hit of stinky cheese and red wine on regular occasions.

Could you share some of your favorite recipes you turn to when you want to impress your Chinese family?

Yin-yang sesame soup

Certainly!  By Chinese family, though, I include my wonderful circle of Chinese friends. In fact, I strongly recommend that any yangxifu or yangnüxu have a supportive cast of Chinese pals, as they will provide the good feedback that sometimes is missing with in-laws.

One thing we like to do for Chinese New Year is host a huge jiaozi wrapping party [link]. This is a great way for Chinese family and friends to celebrate the biggest traditional holiday together, especially if you don’t live in China.

My smoked chicken is always a big winner at any gathering, since everyone loves smoked meats yet few people make it at home. However, this really is little more than a steamed whole chicken seasoned in an easy-to-make home smoker.

Breads of all stripes get rave reviews, again because not that many people tackle them. However, once you make your own silver thread rolls or fried sesame rolls, you will find how deceptively easy they are. Or cook up something few people have heard of: Tianchang’s sugared fried bread, which is also very simple and delectable. Any of these will make your reputation.

Chinese sweet soups are not at all difficult, but when you give them a Wow presentation, you have set yourself up for stardom. Check out the recipe for yin yang sweet sesame soup to see what I mean.

Brined eggs are another item that is not really cooking at all, but just a matter of placing fresh eggs in salted water for two weeks. Again, it looks impossibly hard, but it’s a no-brainer.

And if you really want to show off, create your own fermented rice. Honestly, if I make one thing that blows people’s minds, it is this. But making it is no more difficult than steaming some rice, tossing it with a yeast mixture, and letting it bubble away. No magic, no hard work. Just perfect homemade rice wine every time.

And this is one thing you will have in your favor: even Chinese people think that Chinese food is difficult. But the secret is, it’s not!

Just don’t tell your mother-in-law that and let her think that you are one heck of a catch.

If someone is new to Chinese cooking but wants to make a good impression on their Chinese relatives, how should they proceed?

Sichuan's icicle radish pickles

This all depends upon where your in-laws come from and what your tastes are; some people love spice, for example, and others shy away from chilies; some people are diabetic or love salty things or are finicky eaters. So, in this regard, feeding your Chinese relatives is just like cooking for any guests: know their preferences and cook accordingly.

When you are just beginning to cook Chinese food and are not yet completely confident, make something simple and practice it at home a few times to adjust the seasonings and get used to the way in which Chinese food is made.

Fortunately, stir-frying is just one way to prepare Chinese food, although many cookbooks would have you think otherwise! This means you can make a dish ahead of time and either serve it cold or heat it up just before dinner.

A couple tips for avoiding disaster:

• Make something that is authentically Chinese. This means no neon red sweet-and-sour pork or Chinese chicken salad. You want them to be in total awe of your chops and nothing less.

• Start out with uncomplicated foods and slowly work your way up to the fancier stuff. You’ll be less stressed out as a result, which will show in your food. If you are confident and proud of the dish, this will be communicated to your diners, and the food will taste much better as a result.

• Use your fiancé/husband as your guinea pig. Feed him some things you’ve made, watch his reactions, and ask for suggestions. Write them down and adjust your recipes accordingly. He will be pleased that you are seeking his advice (or at least he should be), and he most likely reflects the taste preferences of his family.

• Practice, practice, practice.

Here are a couple of really easy dishes to make ahead of time when you want to make a good impression: Sichuan’s icicle radish pickles, drunken soybeans, northern style stewed peanuts, small rice paste balls, and crystal lychees.

When you feel more comfortable, move on to other things that you again can prepare over and over again until they become part of your repertoire, like a silky steamed custard, a spinach and peanut appetizer, and three-cup chicken.

Clearly, some yangxifu (or yangxifu-to-be) out there either don’t like to cook or struggle with it. What could they do to build goodwill with their Chinese families in the kitchen or at the dinner table?

Jiangsu's drunken soybeans

Well, if you are lucky enough to have a Chinese husband or fiancé who likes cooking and actually is good at it, you’re made in the shade. In that sort of situation, learn to be a good prep cook (washing and peeling veggies, cleaning up, that sort of thing) so that he doesn’t start to resent doing this.Even then, you should start to learn how to cook, if for no other reason than to give him a break and share the load, as well as to make the foods that you personally love. (Of course, the reverse is true: the guy should be the kitchen helper if the woman is the chef, or else he should have other duties that lessen her household burdens.)

If your fiancé/husband excels in the kitchen, or if you have talented in-laws, start learning from them. That’s what I did at the beginning. You might find yourself – like me – entranced by this art.

The best way to ease yourself into this is to read some good English-language resources on Chinese cooking. Most of the out-of-print ones I’ve loved over the years (Barbara Tropp’s The Modern Art of Chinese Cooking, Irene Kuo’s The Key to Chinese Cooking, Florence Lin’s Chinese Regional Cookbook, and Grace Zia Chu’s The Pleasures of Chinese Cooking) all are still worth seeking out and reading from cover to cover. If you have in-laws from Sichuan, or just love central Chinese cuisine, run out and get Fuchsia Dunlop’s Land of Plenty; her recipes are foolproof and fantastic.

And read my blog, Out to Lunch, of course!

—–

Thanks so much to Carolyn Phillips! Do check out her delicious blog, follow her on twitter, and read her articles at Zester Daily.

Possibly Related Posts:

1. Ask the Yangxifu: On Being Vegan in a Chinese Family
2. Ask the Yangxifu: Why Does My Chinese Family Refuse My Gifts?
3. Sushi is Not Chinese Food: Of China Misunderstandings

Ask the Yangxifu: Carolyn J. Phillips On Charming A Chinese Family Through Food | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

A half-Chinese, half-White woman wonders, what would Chinese men and their parents think of dating her? (photo of Karen Mok -- a hapa celebrity in China -- by Rico Shen, from wikimedia.org)

Bari asks:

I am biracial, with a chinese mother and a caucasian father. Physically the only real asian things about me are my eyes and body stature, noticeable, but other than that I look pretty much caucasian. As for background, my mother was a foreigner, and I was born and bred in the united states. Throughout my life there were always chinese influences in the home, but it ends there (can’t speak chinese either, but learning!). There is much helpful advice on the internet for caucasian women to get a chinese man, but I’ve never seen any for halfies such as myself. Being biracial, I feel kind of awkward in the whole asian-caucasian dating scene, perhaps being too “white” for the more conservative Chinese men and too “asian” for the yangxifu lovers. What would the difference be in how chinese men and their parents view me because I am half instead of full caucasian?

——

Sean Lennon said the following in the book Part Asian, 100% Hapa:

If, like me, you are half-Japanese and half-white, you will in Japan be considered white and in America be considered Asian. This can be lonely at times, but it mostly makes for good conversation.

He’s not a half-Chinese and half-White woman like you, but his words are telling. I can only imagine how awkward the Asian-Caucasian dating scene must be for you.

There’s little on the topic out there, as you said. Many Chinese shower half-Chinese, half-White people with the usual stereotypes (gorgeous and clever), but I’ve never heard or read anything on the subject of dating between Chinese men and women like yourself. When I searched the English-language Internet, I found some hapa sites, but few discussions on hapa women dating Asian men, let alone Chinese men.

Still, I found a few things after sifting through some forums. Here’s a quote from a discussion titled “Dating Asian people while hapa”:

I have met many Asian women who find Hapas very attractive- the exoticness factor thrown in with someone-you-can-take-home-to-mom I suppose.

[Jocelyn's note: maybe the "someone-you-can-take-home-to-mom" factor could apply with Chinese men?]

In the forums on the Fighting 44s, I found this in a discussion called “Hapas and IR”:

Full asian guy/hapa girl- Matters where you live. In Asia this seems like a trend for celebs. Like the black men and white women, it seems that some Asian men feel that to top off their success, they need a hapa girl. For the hapa girls in Asia, they are more in touch of their Asian roots and see all the whites their as bums….

…mixed race asians are considered better catches on the colonial ladder in asia than gweilos [white foreigners]…

whereas mixed race people are “just asian enough” but with “good caucasian features” but more often than not, they are more easily integrated into the culture, which is still quite important for living in asia. being mixed race provides you with a lot of opportunities in a lot of fields and in day to day life, as well.

i suspect that if you ask, most men and women in asia would choose a mixed race partner over a gwei.

But these are only a few opinions from online — hardly enough to draw any firm conclusions, nor to answer your question in full.

So I’d like to ask the readers out there. In your opinion, what would Chinese men think of half-Chinese/half-Caucasian women (as far as dating)? What about Chinese parents?

And, please, don’t keep this post to yourself. Share it and invite others to have their say. Maybe then we’ll get a little closer to providing some kind of guidance out there to women like Bari.

—–

Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

Possibly Related Posts:

1. Ask the Yangxifu: Review of Exposing the Myth Behind Why Asian Men Can’t Date White Women
2. What White Parents Think of Asian Boyfriends: Pub’d on AMWW
3. Ask the Yangxifu: How to Introduce Your (Western) Girlfriend to Your (Chinese) Parents

Ask the Yangxifu: What do Chinese Men Think of Half-Chinese, Half-White Women? | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

J.T. Tran tops the 2011 Friday posts with his exclusive interview with Speaking of China, where he doles out his dating advice for men. (photo from theotherasians.com)

Once again, we’re revisiting the best of 2011 by views for our Friday posts. Whether you’re new to this blog or looking for some classic articles, check out these top five posts:

1. Ask the Yangxifu: Dating Advice for Chinese Men from J.T. Tran, the Asian Playboy. My conversation with J.T. Tran early in 2011 still remains one of the most popular posts on this site. A must-read for any Asian men wondering how to find the Western women of their dreams.
2. Six Western Women of the Past Who Married Chinese Men. My post on these “yangxifu grandmothers” of the past inspired many of you.
3. Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend Seems Too Chinese to Western Girlfriend. When a Western woman tells her Chinese boyfriend he’s “too Chinese,” he wonders — is “too Chinese” unattractive to Western women?
4. Ask the Yangxifu: Staring in China at Couples of Chinese Men-Western Women. A Chinese man loves the Western woman he just started dating, but not the stares and attention from his fellow Chinese when they’re in public.
5. Ask the Yangxifu: Western women in China are NOT all sluts. Despite what you might have seen Samantha doing in “Sex and the City,” all Western women are not sluts.

Happy Holidays and Happy 2012!

P.S.: Don’t forget to check out my Favorites page, with my own hand-picked list of the best posts on Speaking of China.

Possibly Related Posts:

1. Speaking of China’s Top 5 Monday Posts for 2011
2. Ask the Yangxifu, Travel guides, More posts…Coming up in 2010
3. Ask the Yangxifu: Top 5 Posts for 2010

Speaking of China’s Top 5 Friday Posts for 2011 | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

A Chinese man in Guangzhou wonders, can he ever find another Western woman to love in China? (Photo by Jim Reilly)

Ken asks:

I went over to New York when I was 20 years old and I finished my BA and my MBA there. I also worked there for about one year before I decided it was time to come back to China with my classmate/girlfriend then who was from New York. I was able to make the decision of coming back to China because my girlfriend was very supportive of this decision, which, to be very honest, was really to my surprise because she never had been outside of the States except for going to Canada that one time.

When we came back to China, we came back to my hometown near Guangzhou. My job was to take over my parents’ factory and export business and she also found a teaching job at a local college. Our life in China officially began. At first, it was really nice and exciting. But as time went on, I got vert busy at work and started to travel a bit. But I still tried to spend as much time with her as possible like going out to buffets and taking short vacations together within the Guangdong area. But she never really studied Mandarin because she said she did not like the sound of it according to her. So instead, she tried to study Cantonese but she had a very hard time learning for some reason even though we paid to have a teacher come and help her on a regular basis. So she never was able to communicate with my parents and family even though my parents loved her very much. As for her job, she was ok with it. But as for me, I never really liked her job. So to make her life better, I tried to start a business with her together. We decided to represent a foreign brand and become the the sole agent for this brand here in China. But without a lot of experience and connection, it was a very difficult start for us and we started to have arguments from time to time. Looking back, I think maybe this is something I thought she would like and she was thinking this is something that she thought she was doing to make me happy. At the end, it hurt our relationship. As time went on, with the pressure of the business, the pressure of getting around and communicating with my family without knowing the language, I noticed her being less and less talkative. The third year after living here in China, she went home for Christmas like she always did, then I got a phone call from her and she basically told me that she decided not to come back to China and asked me not to hate her and that she thought living in the States was the best way for herself and we should just be apart from each other. She did not give me any chance to discuss with her. That was her final decision, which was a huge huge shock to me because I never thought this would happen to me being that this is my first love relationship and that we had been together for 5 years.

This was 2 years ago, I tried to go out with Chinese girls and tried to forget everything that happened. But I simply could not get anywhere with any Chinese girl that I went out with. I realize I still like to be with foreign girls. And I know given a second chance with a good foreign girl like my ex, I would deal with it a lot better than before. And I know this is the only thing that would truly make me happy even though my parents, being as nice as they are, still very much scared of me being with another foreign girl because of what happened with my ex and they still could not understand why she would leave because she was treated and loved so much here in China. Guess my parents still felt a little betrayed especially in her phone call and brief emails to me after she went back to the US and decided not to come back, she only asked about the two dogs that we had together and did not even mention my parents very much.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I still feel like I connect with foreign girls the most and I mea the kind, nice, caring and funny foreign girls like my ex, not the crazy ones you often find in so many bars these days. I think of myself as a nice, funny, handsome Chinese guy. Although I am 34 year old, I still truly believe there is a right foreign girl out there for me, whom I can connect with once again and who I can share all the happiness and the sadness in life with once again. But I truly don’t know where I can connect with a nice foreign girl again now that I am back in China and I just wish there is site or group put there for Chinese guys like myself. Please advise!?

—

Ken, who says you can’t find another foreign woman to love in China?

Okay, I know, the odds don’t seem to favor you:

According to our survey data, assuming these are representative of the larger population, single Western women constitute less than 20 percent of all foreign teachers in China and are the least likely to remain in China for more than one year.

But Guangzhou still holds one of the largest foreign populations in China, probably more than 100,000 — which means, potentially, there could be more than 10,000-20,000 single foreign women in town.

Plus, you’ll probably have an easier time connecting with women already in China. Sure, some turn out to be the kind of “expat party girls” you’re not into, or just here because their company sent them to Guangzhou. Others, however, come to experience the country and culture, study the languages, and more — more like the kind of nice women you had in mind.

Start with the expat magazines/sites — in your area, you’ve got That’s PRD (Pearl River Delta) and Guangzhou Stuff, to name a few. These offer clues to places, groups and organizations where you can potentially meet like-minded Western women. Guangzhou Stuff, for example, lists groups on its site as well as events. That’s PRD has listings, events and more. You may need to search through them and find those events/groups/places that you happen to like, and that you’ll have a better chance of meeting single women at. Forget the bars/clubs, since that’s not your scene; instead, consider gyms (women especially love yoga/pilates classes), Chinese language groups, author readings or book discussions, outdoor activities, and even charities and volunteer groups. Not everything will work out, but the more places/groups you try, the more chances you have.

Check out your local universities with foreign students. Sara Jaaksola famously moved to Guangzhou to study Chinese at Sun Yat-sen University and found love with a Chinese man she met in town — why can’t it happen with you? Chinese language corners or practice groups at universities could potentially be great places to meet young foreign women who really care about the country and culture, but you may need to ask around to find them.

Don’t rule out networking either. One Chinese man found a foreign woman because he told his friend at the gym he was looking for a girl, and his friend gave that guy’s e-mail to foreign woman he knew. Another guy met a foreign woman at a bar, but because he didn’t speak great English, he gave that woman’s number to another guy (and yes, they married). You never know who might introduce you to your future wife, so don’t forget to tell everyone you know you’re on the lookout for love.

And give all Western women a chance. Most Chinese men assume “white” when they think “Western woman” or “foreign woman,” but China has some great catches out there who aren’t white.

Don’t give up, Ken. You may need months or more before you even meet the right woman. But as they say in Chinese, hǎoshìduōmó (好事多磨, the best things in life don’t come easy).

P.S.: I titled this “More on…” because I answered a similar question almost two years ago, which you can check out here.

P.P.S.: Apologies to Ken for posting this late on Friday!

What did I miss? What other advice do you have for Ken?

—–

Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

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1. Ask the Yangxifu: Staring in China at Couples of Chinese Men-Western Women
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Ask the Yangxifu: More On Finding Western Women to Date in China | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

A woman is interested in a Chinese guy, but they work in a romance-unfriendly government organization. Should she text him to ask him out? (photo by John Lee)

N asks:

I’m interested in this Chinese guy. When there is a group of us at work he doesn’t speak to me as much as when the two of us pass each other in the office when nobody else is there. This makes me think that he doesn’t want the other colleagues to see us become friends. Our company is part of a government organisation. He has shown interest by smiling, eye contact and staring. He’s asked me questions about when I’m going away and how long I plan to stay in China.

I’ve been thinking of asking him out via text. Do you think this will be seen as too keen or a bit sloppy?

—–

When it comes to asking him out, to text or not to text? Some say it’s sexy, some say it’s sloppy. But in your case, I say it’s smart.

You already sense your organization isn’t exactly friendly to workplace romance. And while more and more young people dare to flaunt their love in public, in China, many still prefer to keep their love life under covers and behind doors — especially when it’s with a foreigner. (Heck, even my husband still shakes his head at romantic comedies from Hollywood, always commenting on all the “public kissing” that just doesn’t jive with what he knew growing up.)

So texting to ask him out allows you to keep things just between the two of you — which your guy will love. You’ll save him, and you, a lot of pressure and bad office gossip.

What if your workplace wasn’t so love unfriendly? Texting still might make sense if you prefer the privacy — and sense he does too.

Now if only you could keep those dates out on the two just as private…

What do you think? What advice do you have?

Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

Possibly Related Posts:

1. Ask the Yangxifu: How Western Women Can Meet Chinese Men in China
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3. Ask the Yangxifu: Books with Chinese Men and Western Women in Love

Ask the Yangxifu: Texting to Ask a Chinese Guy Out? | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

To make your holiday to-do list a little easier, I'm rounding up all of my gift-giving advice in one easy post. Includes ideas for your Chinese friends and family, as well as hosts and even business associates. (photo by Christy Thompson)

“What gift should I give?” It’s the number one question in my mailbag — and chances are, with the holidays coming, the number one thing on the minds of many readers.

To make your holiday to-do list a little easier (and, admittedly, give me a reprieve as I recharge my batteries after a long day of cooking Thanksgiving dinner) I’m rounding up all of my gift-giving advice in one easy post.

Giving Gifts to Your Chinese Family – A Modest Guide remains one of the top 10 posts for this site. It’s not exactly my favorite post of the bunch — which I guess is bound to happen when it’s your first stab on the subject.

Still, I feel this one does help on several counts. It’s not bad as an overview, and it offers great ideas for anyone doing their holiday gift shopping in China. So there you go. Read it, but remember it’s not my last word on gifts.

Gifts to Buy Abroad for Chinese Family and Relatives. This post isn’t just for people with Chinese spouses/significant others and/or extended family on their list. It could be helpful for almost anyone doing their holiday shopping outside of China. When in doubt, stick with the more general suggestions such as chocolate or coffee (or see my final advice below).

Birthday Gifts for Chinese Men. What? Birthdays? Okay, the title sticks out — but the content fits right in. We could even rename this post “Christmas/Holiday gifts for Chinese boyfriends, husbands and other special men in your life.” In addition, some of the suggestions — such as the business card cases, briefcases/messenger bags, and unique electronic devices — could be great gifts for Chinese men and women who happen to be your China business associates.

UPDATE: Finally, A Taobao for Foreigners in China – Shoppinglu.com. I added this in light of a comment, which suggested that sometimes it’s much harder than you imagine to send things to China. If you cannot bring it over to China, then consider buying it through the China-based English website Shoppinglu.com, which can send gifts to your friends/family in China. 

(UPDATE: Received an e-mail from a reader citing some serious customer service issues with Shoppinglu.com. I suggest you avoid making any purchases here until further notice. Instead, you might try Taobaofocus.com, where agents can make purchases for you on China’s Taobao.com for a small fee.)

“But I still don’t know what to get!”

Say you’ve read everything I’ve written above and still have no clue. Well, then, just repeat after me – fruit baskets. Families, hosts and just about any other hard-to-buy-for person will love these. Now, yes, this means you must buy it in the country of your recipient. But nice fruit baskets are easy to find almost anywhere and make a great impression. If your recipient lives in China, try large and upscale supermarkets in major cities (which are also frequently located in the basements of department stores and malls).

P.S.: If you’re shopping this holiday season on Amazon.com, you can actually support Speaking of China — at no additional cost to you — by making a purchase through one of my affiliate links. Thanks!

—-

Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

Possibly Related Posts:

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Ask the Yangxifu: Holiday Gift Roundup for Chinese Friends & Loved Ones | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

Can this vegan and her non-vegan Chinese family share the same table in harmony?

Allison asks:

I’m a vegetarian in China and am finding that in general vegetarianism is a really difficult concept for people to understand here. Did John always know you were a vegetarian? How did that affect you guys when you were dating? and is/was it awkward with his family?

–

“You’re missing out.” That’s what one of my inlaws’ neighbors told me this past summer after my mother-in-law mentioned I ate “only vegetarian” (吃全素的 [chīquánsùde], the closest Chinese approximation of “vegan”).

But as far as my relationship on John, I never missed out on understanding. He knew about my vegan diet even before we started dating. I once asked him out for lunch when we were still getting to know each other, so the whole “vegan thing” came out well before the kisses. But he’s always respected it in a way I never would have imagined. He likes to joke that he’s “80 percent vegan” because, as a child, he ate little meat and came to prefer a diet heavy in tofu and veggies. In fact, when we had our big date night on my birthday many moons ago, he arranged for us to have dinner at a vegan restaurant in Hangzhou. He actually loved their food so much we continued to patronize them for many years — as well as many other vegetarian restaurants in China (Vegetarian Lifestyle has been a longtime favorite of ours).

John’s family definitely made sure I didn’t miss out on my vegan faves. Okay, his mom and dad puzzled over it in the beginning. But even if they questioned me or wondered aloud if I got enough nutrition, they sure didn’t show it. This past summer, my mother-in-law allotted half the table to vegan dishes for me — everything from homestyle tofu and simple fried greens to dumplings and even savory pancakes (yum!). My father-in-law famously went out every morning to buy soy milk from the market — but he stopped after my mother-in-law started using the soy milk machine my sister-in-law sent over to make fresh hot soy milk from scratch every morning (extra yum!). I’m not even sure the word “supportive” does them justice.

You know what helps too? The fact that many seniors in China choose to eat mostly or completely vegetarian. That includes my mother-in-law, who had to cut most of the meat from her diet because of high blood pressure. Even the neighbor I mentioned at the beginning of this piece — the “you’re missing out” woman — admitted my diet was much healthier.

But I understand why that neighbor said what she said. My mother-in-law shared stories of suffering and starvation in her youth (“we never felt full,” she admitted one evening). On another occasion, I watched my father-in-law slice a corn cob into mostly inedible medallions for dinner, and discovered it was one of his “comfort foods” — when he was a child, they had so little to eat they fried up even parts of the vegetables we’d never dream of dining on. For some Chinese, vegetarian diets still suggest starvation, and the shadows of a past they’d rather forget.

I feel fortunate my inlaws and husband always made room for my diet at the table. Still, I know it’s not always happily vegan ever after for everyone in China. So vegans/vegetarians in China out there, what’s your story? Did your diet ever get in the way of your relationship or family relations?

–

Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? One Friday a month, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

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Ask the Yangxifu: On Being Vegan in a Chinese Family | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

What gifts should you give to the parents for a Chinese wedding? (photo by Klaus Post)

Les asks:

My English son is getting married to a Chinese lady. What would be the right gift to offer her parents?

–

Okay, here’s a topic that’s long overdue  – what gifts should you give the parents for a Chinese wedding?

For answers, I looked at engagement gifts in Chinese weddings. Why? Because this is the gift exchange where parents are part of the receiving end. Generally engagement gifts are exchanged not between the bride and groom, but between the bride’s family and the groom’s family. This is also usually the largest gift exchange that goes on in the wedding. Traditionally, engagement gifts fostered goodwill between the two families, and meant both sides were firmly committed to the marriage.

The custom still continues today. But what do they give?

Laura Lau and Theodora Lau — the authors of Wedding Feng Shui: The Chinese Horoscopes Guide to Planning Your Wedding — offer these suggestions:

The groom’s family starts the gift exchange by sending a traditional gift basket to the bride’s family home.

The traditional gift basket can be quite elaborate. This list includes coconuts, palm fruit, dried lychee, longan, walnuts, red beans, green beans, water lily seeds and peanuts (still in their shell), loose tea, candles, wedding calligraphy banners, two pieces of red silk cord, wine, fish, roast chicken, live fish, and tai bing cakes. The items are highly symbolic of wedding wishes….All the gifts are given in pairs or good supply and are accompanied with a cash gift in a traditional red envelope….

After the bride’s family receives the gift, they acknowledge the gesture by splitting it in half and sending back half with some additional gifts. The gesture of sharing represents closeness between families. The additional gifts usually placed in the groom’s family gift basket are water lily roots, ginger roots, pomegranate, cypress pine, coconut leaves, and pastries. [These gifts are] also rich with symbolism….

But given the authors’ Cantonese last names (Lau) and the tropical items (such as coconut and palm fruit), you have to take these suggestions with “a grain of rice” — chances are, this is just the tradition for people in parts of South China.

After all, consider what Bonnie Adrian reported in Framing the Bride: Globalizing Beauty and Romance in Taiwan’s Bridal Industry, when she wanted to determine the modern standard for Chinese wedding gifts in Taiwan:

To my disappointment, recently married brides and bridal industry workers insisted that few families rely on written guides in planning their traditional wedding ceremonies.

So much for standards.

Still, Adrian offered a few general hints:

At the betrothal, the groom’s side also provides gifts of foodstuffs, including boxes of cakes or cookies known as xibing. Afterward, the bride and groom distribute the cakes or cookies to the bride’s family and friends by visiting their homes or workplaces….

In previous times, live pigs and handmade noodles were part of the customary betrothal gifts. Today, ritual supply stores provide commercially packaged hames and noodles in pink or red wrappers, carried and displayed on rented pink or red trays. Also available are red velvet-lined boxes with glass ropes for the presentation of cash and jewelry to the bride’s family.

But, remember, she’s talking about Taiwan.

That brings me to my own experiences with Chinese wedding gifts. Even though we were long past the betrothal state, my Chinese in-laws prepared what you might consider the equivalent of “engagement gifts” for my entire family (my parents, grandparents and even uncles and aunts). These included high mountain green tea, jade pendants, smoked tofu from their home village, knit scarves made in a local factory, and even several fist-sized boulders rich in jade crystals the color of amethyst.

My parents reciprocated, but (I hope you’re not reading this, Dad), some of their gifts didn’t hit the mark. I applaud the rare coin sets and the gold cross they gave to my husband’s grandmother (she’s a Christian). The leather purse for my Chinese mother-in-law? Mmm, not bad. But they probably shouldn’t have bothered with the T-shirts (this past summer, I stayed with my Chinese family more than three months and never saw those T-shirts worn even once).

But what about me? you ask. What should I give to the Chinese parents? Here are my thoughts, based on what I’ve learned:

Jewelry and Precious stones. If you’re going to give a little sparkle, go for classic or conservative pieces. Find some inspiration from the jewelry in Things Remembered, but remember it’s not the last word in good gifts in this category. Precious stones and rocks will also delight, as they did with my own family.

Gourmet foods. Think fancy chocolates or sweets, fruit/nut baskets, and dessert gifts and pastries. But check before you stock up for that wedding in Beijing or Singapore — some things don’t travel well because of regulations (fruits/meats) or weather (chocolates in summer or in the tropics? forget it).

Local specialty items. Just about every town I’ve visited boasts of some special food or product you just can’t find elsewhere (or, at least, within a 100-mile radius). So why not bring your new Chinese family the best of your hometown? I can’t help you on specifics, but I’d stick with gourmet foods, jewelry, precious stones, and fine arts and crafts.

Cash. In Chinese weddings, cash still reigns. If you decide to give money, choose an auspicious amount (examples from US and from China) and present it in a red envelope (you can usually buy these in Chinatown stores or, if you’re headed to China, in banks or the greeting card sections of large supermarkets).

Do as most families in China do — give several different items as gifts. If you’re not sure how much to give, find out what the local tradition is for the family (or at least, how much they’re probably going to give) and go from there.

Whatever you choose to give, always, always, always get it in a box — red and gold, if possible. Don’t forget to spread the love by giving something to the grandparents, uncles, aunts and siblings.

And (sorry Dad) never, ever give T-shirts.

What do you think? What gifts would you give to the parents for a Chinese wedding?

—–

Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.

Want to help us dish out advice, yangxifu style? If you’re interested in doing a guest post for Ask the Yangxifu, pitch me your ideas today.

Possibly Related Posts:

1. Ask the Yangxifu: Why Does My Chinese Family Refuse My Gifts?
2. Ask the Yangxifu: Birthday Gifts for Chinese Men
3. Ask the Yangxifu: A Big, Fat, Traditional Chinese Wedding?

Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Wedding Gifts for the Parents | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国