My Chinese mother-in-law and I -- we've had a good relationship, but are we the exception?
It could have been any other pile of clothing — pastel linen blouses, jeans with a flower pattern embroidered on the side, a silk robe in peacock blue, and more. But they were my the clothes of my sister-in-law, Da Sao, married to my husband’s eldest brother. And my Chinese mother-in-law was anxious to clear them away.
“Look at all of these clothes,” she said, lifting up a shirt and then the jeans, sighing. “She buys them on a whim, wears them once, and them brings them over here — and never wears them again.” Then, smiling towards me, she added “you should wear them.”
It was a lonely pile of clothes, desperate to be worn. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was more than just housekeeping — because Da Sao was becoming infamous during our dinnertime conversations.
One day, my inlaws chastised Da Sao for enrolling her son, Kaiqi, in too many afterschool activities. Another day, they declared her too lazy, spending too much time on the computer. On another, they decided her cooking wasn’t up to snuff. I couldn’t help but notice that, even as both in-laws spoke, my Chinese mother-in-law supported the brunt of these indictments.
Da Sao is no saint — but not once did my inlaws suggest that Da Ge, her husband, did anything wrong (Da Ge, according to my husband John, is an uninvolved father who has also exacerbated his son’s behavior problems). Clearly, this was a troubling Chinese mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship.
But it’s not just Da Sao. For thousands of years, daughters-in-law have dreaded their Chinese mothers-in-law. Why?
Because the son’s mother has more power and status in the family. According to Confucian principles of filial piety, sons — not daughters — are the only ones obligated to serve and care for their birth parents in their old age. As a result, they are golden to the family (think insurance, before social security and pensions existed) and preferred over daughters.
On the other hand, daughters were tossed away in marriage to a new family, the husband’s, and must transfer their filial piety to the in-laws. In a new home — bound by duty to the in-laws first, and the husband second — daughters-in-law have little status, and were even thought of as slaves to some families (notice that the character for slave, 奴, includes the character for woman,女).
China Hope Live explains it in another way:
Some of the tension in this relationship is inherited from the days when women in China really did marry OUT of their families and into their husband’s family…a girl might never see her own family ever again! At the same time, even though she had married into this new family, she would likely still be considered an outsider. As sort of “low woman on the totem pole” in her new family, one of her main jobs would be to serve her mother-in-law and make her happy. The Chinese mother-in-law (at least in ages past) had a reputation for being pretty demanding and difficult to please…after all, she had once been low woman on the totem pole as well, and had risen through the ranks to become mother, mother-in-law, and hopefully, grandmother. It seems this could all get pretty political, with both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law triangulating and manipulating to keep son/husband in their corner.
Village Life in China: a study in sociology — published in 1899 — is proof this problem has a long history:
The fact that Chinese girls are married so young, and that they have not been taught those lessons of self-control which it is so important for them to learn, suffices to demonstrate the absolute necessity for the existence of the Chinese mother-in-law in the family….
A great deal is heard of the tyranny and cruelty of these mothers-in-law, and there is firm basis of fact for all that is so often said upon that point. But it must at the same time be borne in mind that without her the Chinese family would go to utter ruin. The father-in-law is not only unfitted to take the control which belongs to his wife, even were he at home all the time which would seldom be the case, but propriety forbids him to do any such thing, even were he able. In families where a mother-in-law is lacking, there are likely to be much greater evils than the worst mother-in-law. Abuse of the daughter-in-law is so common a circumstance, that unless it be especially flagrant, it attracts very little attention.
The Chinese-mother-in-law, daughter-in-law tension even makes for great film drama, as described in this review of the 1990 film Song of the Exile:
The film depicts Hue’s grandmother as a traditional chauvinist Chinese mother-in-law who polices patriarchal loyalties in the conjugal home. While living in the in-laws’ Chinese household, Hueying’s mother, the Japanese outsider, suffers in silence while playing the role of the traditional daughter-in-law until her resentment brews against her own daughter, Hueying.
Of course, not all daughters-in-law must endure silent rejection, abuse or worse at the hands of their Chinese mothers-in-law. If anything, the decline of arranged marriages — which were always more of a benefit to the son than the daughter — has elicited a collective sigh of relief among young, marriageable women in China. Choosing your own husband does offer the prospect of more conjugal bliss — and thus more happiness, mitigating the in-law relationship. And nowadays, in-laws often have their own home. Though mother-in-law may stay with you to help raise the grandchild, she’s not a permanent member of the house.
Still, even among today’s married women in China, Chinese mothers-in-law aren’t unlike Chinese deities: something to revere and fear.
The looming prospect of a live-in mother-in-law was enough to break a relationship, in the case of my friend, Peter Pi. During Chinese New Year earlier this year, Peter told his girlfriend his mother would eventually move in with them, if they ever married. Peter had good reasons for it — she lives in poverty in Southern Henan Province; and since he’s the oldest son, he feels an obligation to care for her. Unfortunately, the girl broke things off immediately. “She worries very much for the mother-in-law relationship,” admitted Peter, with some chagrin. (Fortunately, they mended the relationship later this year, but only because Peter persistently called her.)
Some daughters-in-law fret over their behavior in front of the Chinese mother-in-law — because violating the hierarchy of traditional Confucian filial piety means trouble. Consider this example in the same post cited above, from China Live Hope:
The classmate asked her boyfriend to get her a drink of water, and the boyfriend (foolish boy) asked his mother to get him a drink of water (intending to give it to his girlfriend)….
First, the girlfriend made a big mistake in front of her potential-future-mother-in-law by not showing her boyfriend the respect he deserves. Taking into account that this mother has sacrificed many hours cooking, cleaning, and otherwise looking out for and taking care of her son, a request like this on the behalf of the girlfriend makes it seem like she’s not the kind of girl who will take very good care of him. Add into the mix that it’s apparently not uncommon for some Chinese mother-in-laws feel that their son’s wife/girlfriend has “stolen away their precious son” (yes, my teacher really said that), and the future potential mother-in-law becomes aghast that this son-stealer, this interloper is not only too lazy to get her own water, but also expects the precious treasure of a son to serve her.
Secondly, the boyfriend made a REALLY big mistake by passing the request on to his mother. In effect, he turned the “natural order” of things (daughter-in-law serves mother-in-law) completely on its head, and basically asked his mother to serve his potential future wife.
Yet, it’s tough to honor and obey your Chinese mother-in-law, when you know her actions have consequences. That’s the quandry of my 31-year-old Chen, distressed by her mother-in-law’s indulgent parenting towards her three-year-old son, Xiao Mai. For example, her mother-in-law chases Xiao Mai around the house with a spoon of food, instead of demanding he sit at the table and feed himself. But she and her husband, as full-time teachers in high school (the most demanding teaching jobs, given that their students are staring down the Gaokao, or college extrance exam), exclusively rely on her for child care, just as many families do. It’s also a duty often reserved for the son’s mother. Chen couldn’t criticize her — she would be labeled ungrateful, demanding…maybe even unfilial. So, she stifles the urge to say anything at all — reluctantly watching her son, under the mother’s care, become a little emperor, with a temper.
Sometimes, it’s not the mother-in-law’s actions that are the problem — but the suggestions. Imagine my surprise, the morning after my wedding ceremony, when my mother-in-law sat me down for the reproduction talk. “Don’t forget to have kids early,” she said, with a slight smile. Great idea in practice — but not if your daughter-in-law (me!) is the only family breadwinner back in the US, helping her husband do the impossible of getting into a super-competitive Ph.D. program — all with paltry catastrophic health insurance that doesn’t cover maternity. So, I told her we needed to wait. Her answer? “How about you have the child, and let me raise it until it’s three years old?” Even today, every time I return home childless, I feel her desire for more grandchildren weighing on me like an unwieldy Chinese lantern tied to my back.
Still, Chinese mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationships aren’t always an authoritarian affair. Sometimes, the dialogue is reciprocal, the feelings mutual, and the result a smile.
Over the years, I’ve come to love my mother-in-law because she cares for me — from always making sure there are vegetarian dishes at dinner, to bringing me medicine when I get the flu. And I care for her too, from giving her vitamins for high blood pressure, to helping her persuade my father-in-law not to buy into expensive scams.
So later this summer, after discussing the behavior problems of Kaiqi, their grandchild, my husband and I suggested that coddling the child — as she and my father-in-law did — played a role. And that Da Ge, the uninvolved father, was also to blame, just as much as Da Sao. Well, this Chinese mother-in-law did the impossible — she agreed.
My father-in-law, however, did not…which is another troubling relationship, for another day. 
What has been your experience with Chinese mothers-in-law? Are they absolute queens in the house? A trusted family collaborator? Or somewhere in between? If you’re a daughter-in-law with a Chinese-mother-in-law — or know one — I’d love to hear from you.
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[...] an introduction to 婆媳关系 – the notoriously thorny and traditionally abusive Chinese mother-in-law/Chinese [...]
Hmmm, I must point out a note of caution here. Much of the perceived “traditional” Chinese role here of the daughter in law vs mother in law and the family dynamics once she moved to the husband’s household is to a certain extent cliche. While there certainly is a grain of truth to it, one must also consider the flip side and the fact that historically there is a huge variety of traditional Chinese/Confucian family dynamics that stem from regional, cultural, economic and social classe differences and shall we say occupational “hazards” consequent of the son/husband’s occupations that necessitate alternative family arrangement and dynamics.
In fact according to traditional Confucian values, the wife or the mother take over the duty of running the household and other “internal” or “inward facing” matters whereas the husbands and sons take care of all matters concerning the (extended) family unit’s interaction with the outside world or “outward facing” matters. Consequently, in large and wealthy household or where the husband or sons are mostly away on business, government or military duty for long period of time, the women of the house (in accordance with seniority of course) enjoys enormous power and independence to the extent that the traditional Confucian division of “responsibilities” are very much blurred and ill-defined. This can be to the extent that sometimes Chinese men can even appear “hen-pecked” as they defer to their wives in household matter/budget and extended family dynamics after their eventual return.
Historically, Chinese society have a deep seated aversion to marriages between people who share the same surname, as it smacks of incest, irrespective of the size of the population. Even today should two people who share the same surname wishes to marry, DNA testing are often conducted just to be on the safe side.
Therefore historically matchmaking can take place over very long distances, especially where there are towns and villages where everybody is related and share the same surname. As a result for all practical purposes when the daughter in law travels long distances to move into the husband’s household, she is expected to transfer her duty and “allegiance” to the husband’s family. Yet unlike in the West, the daughter in law never adopt the husband’s surname as it is considered the height of filial impropriety.
That was the very brief bit about historical Chinese social anthropology and some of the more mundane reasons for the supposedly “Confucian” values behind daughter vs mother in law family dynamics. Regarding the situation today and speaking from personal experience of having TWELVE aunts and uncles, and not all of them Chinese, my personal advice is to steer well clear if at all possible. Just smile, be yourself and pretend you don’t understand some of the more complicated (read: heated) conversations. That’s what my Danish aunt always does and it works a treat.
@Shirong,
Thanks for sharing your perspective. Certainly, I could never cover everything in this post, and I’m glad you pointed out the flip side to the relationship, and considered this issue from other sides. It’s readers like you that make this blog even better.
Will keep that “steer well clear” advice in mind.
It’s not a myst that Chinese women dread to be someone’s daughter-in-law, but I certainly can attest that women in general, need to learn to let go of certain “entitled controling symdromes” they feel – with all appropriate reasons, I nominate the fact living your life better to be the biggest benefit. Let me explain! I was born in a heavy Chinese society and raised in a very male-dominated family until 19. Then I came to the U.S. and married an American. Most Chinese people migrate into another country remain with their cultural similar communities, I did not and am glad. I do not forget my culture and anyone who knows me will know that my husband is more influenced by Chinese culture than I intend to promote – especially when food is involved:-) The point is, I have learned about the mother/daughter-in-law within the Chinese society which is one of the reasons I elected not to be married into a Chinese family but just consider the burden I needed to carry on if one day my son brings home a bride!! Instead of living my life and allowing my children to learn their mistakes and improve, I have to, according to societal standards, I must “keep the house in order” – aka. I will not have any breathing room and spending my finally free-of-young-children life making other miserable since the society demands that it is my duty to keep the daughter-in-law “in line”.
My thoughts have come to this:
1. I do not want my daughters to be lectured and suffocated into a “mold” by their future mother-in-laws because they think they are “upholding” their specific cultural values even in my view, these values prove to be abusive – simply because they have gone through these value-teaching with their in-laws and it’s a pay-back time.
2. I am confident that my daughters are smart enough to make mistakes and smart enough to learn from them and make their lives and families better units in the communities they will be living in. Their in-laws won’t make this any better, but possibly worse.
3. My daughters will make their decisions in child raising, finance managing, and other important decisions in their lives, I can advise, not demand. They are adults and I like to think they deserve adult-like respect as much as most of us do.
4. I love my son and I am certain I love him enough to watch him fall and climb back up on his own. I don’t see my interference in his marriage will help any….point in check, I resented the years when my mother-in-law tried to interfere with my marriage with her son, no matter how good the intentions were.
And finally, I want to live my life a little after my children have grown and established families – not pondering daily how to teach their spouses how to iron clothes, cook meals and fold laundry.
Sounds a lot like a Jewish mother-in-law…
I’d be really interested in any stories about westernised children and their chinese mothers. I’m the eldest daughter raised in the UK, by my single Chinese Mother. I was raised in the British way as my Dad is English. I can’t speak Mandarin or Cantonese and my mother chastises me for not being a good Chinese daughter. I literally don’t know how to be a chinese daughter. I wasn’t raised that way by her but for some reason it’s my fault that I can’t do what she expects me to and when I ask what she means, she can’t articulate it and feels it is ok to scream and shout in hysterics. Anyway, this isn’t supposed to be a sob story post, I guess I’d like to desperately understand her and I have a few questions as I feel controlled and emotionally manipulated.
I fret about having to live with my Chinese mother-in-law to be in the future. We have discussed that my fiance and I will move out after we are married but I am not entirely convinced she will not sneakily try to move in. She would take over the home and ruin and happy atmosphere. A lot of the things you mentioned above are common traits of her. The most annoying thing about her is that she constantly tell people what to do. Some of it is 关心 but it is constant. “Watch your hands, red and blue don’t go together, wear more clothes, don’t need to recycle just throw it away, eat moreyou have to do this, you must do that”, .. constantly it’s too much. I cannot think for it. She’ll see me in the middle of an action say folding some clothes and putting them away and she tell me to do it anyway. It suffocates me. I can’t be me in my own home. When I get married and have kids I would never want her to raise them. She would make them nervous.
The relationship I have with my future mother-in-law is nonexistent. I am a 28 year old male and she is 26. We have been engaged for 2 years now and did not plan on marriage until after she and I were both done with our professional school. I am in a PHD program and she is in medical school.
When I first started dating my girlfriend 4 years ago she tried to introduced me to her mother as my friend. Her mother always told her to find a man that would take care of her. A man that would cook for her and tried to make her feel special. I always loved to cook so I never thought much of cooking for my girlfriend. Anyway, when I met her mother I tried to show that not only would I take care of her daughter but her as well. I tried to help them in their Buddhist temple and in her kitchen.
Big mistake! She would not even “talk” to me (she does not speak English and I do not speak Mandarin yet). She would barely look at me. The next couple of times she even saw me my girlfriend said she would get high blood pressure and feel ill.
My fiance and I live together in a small one bedroom apartment. Her mother has no idea we live together but we try to be frugal because we are both students. Her mother still expects her to send money home and my girlfriend did that the first 2 years we lived together. She gave almost $10,000 to her mother one year and I got her to cut it down to $5,000 the next year. I don’t mind taking care of her mother too but how can we now, the money she gives is not even her money. That money is from student loans she gets.
The problems with her mother has made a lot of stress in our relationship. When her family calls I need to be quiet and she is expected to go to her mother’s house every weekend. When they pick her up and drop her off I have to turn off all the lights and wait in the other room until she her family is gone. It is humiliating and degrading to myself.
My family completely loves her and accepts her. They treat her like a daughter. I feel degraded, humiliated, and worthless to her family, especially when she calls where we live the “apartment” and calls where her mother lives, “home.”
The strain has left me feeling if marriage is even a possibility. I believe marriage is a merging of two families, not taking a daughter away from her old family. What is your advise?
Thanks for your comment, Kevin.
It does sound like your girlfriend’s mother is asking a lot out of her. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of Chinese parents expecting their children to support them financially while the child is in college (and especially while taking out student loans). Is your girlfriend an only child? Is the mother divorced/separated and under financial pressure? These might explain the mother’s behavior, though even so, like I said, it seems bizarre that parents would demand money from a child that hasn’t started work yet.
As for the way the mother seems to snub you, it may simply be the language barrier. My husband’s family didn’t really warm up to me until they met me, and discovered I spoke Mandarin. The mother may feel left out because you and her daughter can speak English, and live in this other world she may not understand. Additionally, she may have preconceived notions about who her daughter should be with — and because she cannot talk to you and dispel these ideas, they may be reinforced.
Maybe you can talk to your girlfriend, and find out more about her mother’s situation to understand why she demands the financial support, and to what degree (if any) is she concerned about her daughter being with a non-Mandarin speaker.
Hope this helps.
I am married to a Chinese-American man for three years now. From the first moment my mother-in-law met me she has treated me with desrespect because she did not approve of me. Even after we got married she would make ugly comments and complain to my husband that I am a bad daughter-in-law and I never listen to her advise. I am a 36 year old, college educated woman, of Greek background, that was raised in a modern and relaxed family. It is very hard for me to get instructions from somebody on how to live every aspect of my life. She thinks she is entitled to direct everything from raising my child to how I cook or what I wear. When she is mad at me, for her own reasons, she comes to my house to visit and she does not even say hello to me. I am thankfull that I have a wonderfull husband but dealling with his mother is the one black spot in our marriage. I have to say that I am very happy that we do not see them very often.
I’m a foreign girl with a Chinese boyfriend and I certainly fear the possibility of the Chinese mother-in-law syndrome. My boyfriend decided to buy his own home and move out of his parents house. His parents are still relatively young and in good health.
On the day he moved into his new home, his mother went with him to ‘visit and try out the new place for a few days’, over half a year later and she is still there with her own room and comforts. Bring half the kitchen from her own house.
I asked who is looking after his father and caring for his needs? why his mother was not being a wife to her husband? surely that was important too. The reply ‘She loves me more’ followed by a laugh.
He did not intend this to be a new home for his parents and him but for him alone, hence his father did not move in too. Yet some how his mother moved herself in. I feel sorry for his father, his wife has abdoned him in favour of their son!!
Having never lived on his own (and looking like he never will now) he didn’t see the problems this might cause in the future. Although we have many difficulties to face we would like a future together – I can see I will end up being the ‘awful’ foreign daughter-in-law. It wouldn’t feel so bad to me if both his parents were in his house but they are not.
Dear Amelie,
Thanks so much for sharing your experience! Ouch — the mother already moved in, even before he married? Wow.
Sounds like the mother thinks of her son as her property, and so if the son has a house, by proxy it is her house too. It’s simply a product of how Chinese families are so interdependent (in this case, maybe a little too much)
If it is a concern to you (having the mother at his place), maybe you can eventually talk to your boyfriend, and see if he can, in some way, coax her into returning to her home. If it is important for you and him to eventually have an independent life together, as a married couple, then it might be important for your boyfriend to let her know that she cannot just live with him because she wants to.