Comments on: The Troubling Chinese Mother-in-law Relationship

By: rachel

rachel — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 15:07:00 +0000

I just met my Chinese boyfriend’s mother and it did not go as well as I wanted it to–but thanks to this article, I see that a lot of it was really just cultural and not me in particular. Thank you for the tips!

By: Jocelyn

Jocelyn — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 05:12:25 +0000

Dear L,

Thanks for sharing. Wow, I can imagine you would be worried about the future with your mother-in-law. Well, at least your husband was understanding to your needs in the first place and got you a place separate from her. Here’s hoping that things get better.

By: L.

L. — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 00:51:28 +0000

I am a foreigner married to a Chinese man. I don’t speak Chinese and my mother-in-law doesn’t speak much English so communication between us is an issue.
After my husband and I got married, he started looking for a place for “us” – I thought he meant two of us, but unfortunately he was thinking of “us” as him, me AND his mother. I completely freaked out, because I don’t have anything in common with his mother, we cannot talk to each other and sometimes she comes off as being really rude. Thankfully I was able to talk to my husband and we found place only for two of us, but every time his mother comes to visit, she makes comments and gives “advices” that sound more like orders – “Put down the blinds”, “Turn off the tap”, “Don’t put this here”, “Use this” and etc. She also always treats me like I have no manners – once she even physically pushed me towards a person that I supposedly didn’t greet (which I did, she just didn’t see it).

I am happy I don’t have to live with my mother-in-law right now, but I constantly think about the future and that I will have to live with her. It scares me because I want to be myself in my house and live dirty dishes in the kitchen sink, stay in PJ all day if I want to and not to be afraid that I am not living up to some kind of daughter-in-law expectations. I love my husband but living with his mother might be a deal-breaker for me.

By: Jocelyn

Jocelyn — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 05:51:48 +0000

Hi C, thanks for the comment. I’m sorry that you are having trouble with your boyfriend’s family — hope that things get easier for you!

By: C

Sat, 12 Jun 2010 03:35:08 +0000

oh boy. I have a Chinese boyfriend I have had for (eek) 20 years….his family is mostly nice to me, but it is always clear that they are Chinese and they are family and I am not. A lot of the time I do not notice it, but sometimes you run into the distinction like smacking into a brick wall. The “Chinese Family” is not anything I was raised with: it is like a whole separate entity unto itself with lots of rules and protocol and alliances and every now and then some obscure tenet rears its head and stings you like a serpent.

By: jackie

jackie — Wed, 12 May 2010 12:42:10 +0000

I am also an American woman married to a Chinese husband. We live in China. My mother-in-law is a very sweet and caring person; in fact she probably takes care of me far more than my husband and I take care of her. When we go to visit my in-laws, they have a virtual feast prepared for us and do not let us return home without at least 2 backpacks full of food. She never expects me to lift a finger, whether it’s cooking or helping clean up after dinner. That said, I can understand Jocelyn’s sentiments when she says, “every time I return home childless, I feel her desire for… grandchildren weighing on me like an unwieldy Chinese lantern tied to my back.” My husband and I married in our 30′s, and for many personal reasons we do not want children. Of course it was not an option to inform my mother-in-law of this, lest we dash all her hopes and dreams, her only hopes and dreams. I also experienced the “reproductive talk” shortly after my husband and I were married. In fact, my mother-in-law even cooked a special dish for my husband that (according to Chinese) is supposed to increase a man’s libido, thus increasing the possibility of me getting pregnant. A couple months into our marriage, when I still wasn’t pregnant, she asked my husband why not and were we using birth control. Mind you, I speak fluent Chinese and even though she was speaking the local dialect when she asked, I could understand what she was saying. We’ve been married for a year and a half now and the “baby talks” have died down a lot, but every time we visit it is still very hard for me. I want to do something to repay her for her kindness to me, but in the end I know the only thing she really wants is a grandchild and that is the only thing I cannot give her.

By: Naomi

Naomi — Tue, 11 May 2010 22:37:05 +0000

Hi Jocelyn,

I have been with my fiance for 5 years now and have had a rocky relationship with his mother. Our relationship at first was quite good, though she initially did not like me because I am half-Japanese (she is Taiwanese). Our relationship progressed to the point that I saw her about once a week and we would go out to eat, play bingo, shop, etc. This all occurred while my fiance was posted overseas for work, as well. Unfortunately, we had a big argument when he was back for a couple of weeks, as she said she did not think I could cook, clean, or be a good hostess and take care of her son. For me, this confirmed a lingering suspicion that I was not considered good enough for her son. This caused a major rift in our relationship, and she refused to speak to me for weeks. Eventually we were back on speaking terms, but last year my fiance and I bought a house together while she was back in Taiwan. She was furious that we appeared to have gone behind her back and bought a house while she was away, and did not consult/ask her (though we had looked at 75 houses prior to buying). This again caused a major rift, and she refused to speak nor acknowledge me. Obviously my relationship with my fiance was incredibly stressed, but he did propose to me at the end of last year. He has not told his mother because she refuses to allow him to be engaged. On Christmas Eve, he managed to convince her to come to our house for dinner. Things were going OK, but at the end of the night, I was sitting on the sectional, and did not move to let his mother and her husband sit side-by-side on the sofa. This was seen as flagrant disrespect and a territorial move by me, according to my fiance’s mother, and thus worsened my relationship with her, to the point that she does not want to see nor speak to me.

I have tried buying her flowers, presents from my trips, and calling her on her birthday/Mother’s Day, but nothing seems to be working. It seems that things are getting worse, and my fiance and I are both at a loss as to what to do next. Please advise if possible.

By: Jocelyn

Jocelyn — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 02:24:05 +0000

Dear Amelie,

Thanks so much for sharing your experience! Ouch — the mother already moved in, even before he married? Wow.

Sounds like the mother thinks of her son as her property, and so if the son has a house, by proxy it is her house too. It’s simply a product of how Chinese families are so interdependent (in this case, maybe a little too much)

If it is a concern to you (having the mother at his place), maybe you can eventually talk to your boyfriend, and see if he can, in some way, coax her into returning to her home. If it is important for you and him to eventually have an independent life together, as a married couple, then it might be important for your boyfriend to let her know that she cannot just live with him because she wants to.

By: Amelie

Amelie — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 14:07:25 +0000

I’m a foreign girl with a Chinese boyfriend and I certainly fear the possibility of the Chinese mother-in-law syndrome. My boyfriend decided to buy his own home and move out of his parents house. His parents are still relatively young and in good health.

On the day he moved into his new home, his mother went with him to ‘visit and try out the new place for a few days’, over half a year later and she is still there with her own room and comforts. Bring half the kitchen from her own house.

I asked who is looking after his father and caring for his needs? why his mother was not being a wife to her husband? surely that was important too. The reply ‘She loves me more’ followed by a laugh.

He did not intend this to be a new home for his parents and him but for him alone, hence his father did not move in too. Yet some how his mother moved herself in. I feel sorry for his father, his wife has abdoned him in favour of their son!!

Having never lived on his own (and looking like he never will now) he didn’t see the problems this might cause in the future. Although we have many difficulties to face we would like a future together – I can see I will end up being the ‘awful’ foreign daughter-in-law. It wouldn’t feel so bad to me if both his parents were in his house but they are not.

By: Thora

Thora — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 02:54:49 +0000

I am married to a Chinese-American man for three years now. From the first moment my mother-in-law met me she has treated me with desrespect because she did not approve of me. Even after we got married she would make ugly comments and complain to my husband that I am a bad daughter-in-law and I never listen to her advise. I am a 36 year old, college educated woman, of Greek background, that was raised in a modern and relaxed family. It is very hard for me to get instructions from somebody on how to live every aspect of my life. She thinks she is entitled to direct everything from raising my child to how I cook or what I wear. When she is mad at me, for her own reasons, she comes to my house to visit and she does not even say hello to me. I am thankfull that I have a wonderfull husband but dealling with his mother is the one black spot in our marriage. I have to say that I am very happy that we do not see them very often.