And I’m really glad you like my site. Thanks for the warm invitation.

I’ve been editing my links recently, so check — it should be there now (under Foreign Women + Chinese Men).

Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. When I hear from you and many others, it gives me hope that there will be more couples like us — and that, someday, we won’t have to talk about the “rarity” anymore.

I got over it

It really does take an unconventional Chinese guy to get over issues like money (and, in the case of my husband, the fact that his wife is taller than him!). Some men never can get over it, and that is too bad. But the ones that don’t care, the ones that can look beyond all of that…they are gold.

I wish I could give you an answer on why it is hard, beyond what I’ve written in this post. I don’t know what you have experienced, but I can imagine how it has made you feel. I’ve been there.

You might find some inspiration from a recent article I wrote, with some suggestions for meeting Chinese men.

There are some great Chinese men out there who would love to have you as their own. Please hang in there, and don’t lose hope.

Dear Phoenix, as always, you provide such eloquent answers that I have nothing more to add. You astound me. Thanks for giving Brandy some advice.

Dear George, thanks for the comment.

Please do not be discouraged… Smile!
My instincts suggest that your dilemma has less to do with cultural norms and more along the line of gender issues and modern economic circumstances. Please let me explain…

Once upon a time a very big war happened. Men left behind a society and culture that, until that time, was geared entirely toward them being in charge of everything but child rearing and domestic chores. With hubby abroad, many women discovered that they did a much better job of fending for themselves than their husbands had for both of them, and, now you have the phenomenally high divorce rate that ensued after said war was over. Flash forward to the last ten years unto present and you can see that single income households are impossible to support, unless you really are rich. Most of us are not.
My point is, women are sort of in a “double-damned” situation. Smart men know that they need a woman who can pitch in a paycheck… BUT… Many men (And women!) want to cling to a double standard. Men are still taught that their “worth” is in their ability to be a good provider, and still others feel their job and/or paychecks are their identity or means to power and control, if only over their own lives. Many people have shamelessly admitted to me that they want a mate who is both a provider and a domestic while they are only a provider or only a domestic. It’s offensive and irrational thinking in my book, but there you are. The bottom line… If you are a woman bread-winner, and worse, you have the confidence to assert your competence, or, you want to enforce a double standard… Don’t expect the guys to climb over each other in their efforts to ask you out.
In counterpoint, if like me, you were reared in an always chaotic environment where the only thing you could depend on was that people and rules are arbitrary, it’s likely you overcompensated and became a “Jill-of-all-trades”. I was amazed to discover how often this happens, and it essential does because the only person one could trust to finish something correctly and in a timely fashion, was themselves.
The only thing that will literally save your soul and sanity is to NEVER allow yourself to become bitter, or to quit. This is a problem that can be solved. Not easily, but it can…

First, sit down and look at yourself as if you and your life were a business operation. Who would you put in charge of what? Being able to delegate responsibilities is the first and most powerful investment of trust, and let me tell you, trust is nine-tenths of love’s ingredient list. Be brutally honest with yourself, and not just with the criticism, but with realizing what your real strengths and priorities are. If you did your homework correctly, you just found the basic outline for what man would be most compatible with you and your lifestyle, because like the interlacing finger of your two hands, his purpose is to be strong where you are weak, and to be humble in the areas where you are strong.
You may discover that you need a “house husband”, or, you need to find that rarest of fellas who can actually one-up you. In either case, and in all cases in-between, let me paraphrase what I said in an earlier post… “We are together to make each others lives just a little bit better, happier, more productive, just a little more often than our lives were before we met.” That’s the most basic essential for ALL relationships.
In closing, my experience suggests that Chinese men are actually a little more sensible than most about women being bread winners, but no man is immune to the equally sensible fear that a (insecure) woman in power often is a “ball-buster”. Tough enough to get past that stereotype, but you are not the only one who needs consistency and trust in a mate. Once he is shown where he belongs in your life, let him stay in charge of those arenas, no matter how bad the disagreement gets, and don’t try to renegotiate or go behind his back. Both of you will always make a few mistakes, but I can promise you, if you are ALWAYS loving and consistent, love will win over any doubt or anger. That’s not an euphemism, it’s a proven fact in all healthy relationships.
You deserve to be loved Brandy, and you couldn’t pick a more devoted, dependable, and affectionate mate than a Chinese man… But like most of the ladies here, I’m a bit biased! (Laughing!) I wish you abundant luck and love. I know you will find it…
Sincerely, Phoenix Dawnsinger

I’m still having problems, even tho these days I can manage the language pretty well, I’ve adapted to many customs, and I’m not the type who wants to party and play, I want the marriage and the kids!

Why is it still so hard to find someone?

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts — and for sharing that website. It’s great to see that communities are starting form for people like us.