关于少见的洋妞中男配

As a foreign woman with a Chinese husband, I couldn't help but wonder why we're so rare

作者:Jocelyn Eikenburg  译者:远

(翻译自《On the Rarity of Foreign Women and Chinese Boyfriends/Chinese Husbands》)

在中国,尤其在农村,我总是有很高的回头率——这不仅仅因为我是一个洋妞,更因为我总是和俺那中国老公手挽着手。

事实上,相较于外国男人配中国女人,外国女人配中国男友或丈夫的确要少见许多。

在任何一个中国大城市的主要旅游购物点,你总可以碰到这种外国男人—中国女人,而非外国女人与中国男人的搭配。这一点可以很容易地通过“烛爱”网判断,该网站致力于帮助美国公民将他们的中国爱人带回美国。“烛爱”就像是一波汹涌的陷入东方恋的美国男人潮,裹挟着零星几对浮在水面的美国妻子和中国丈夫。

讲述洋妞与中国男友或中国丈夫的的书几乎没有。眼下我能想到的只有蕾切尔·德沃斯金(Rachel DeWoskin)的《洋妞在北京》与《跟我说》、尼克·莫尼斯(Nicole Mones)的《迷失中国》以及赛珍珠的《东风:西风》。

几年前,当我的丈夫参加上海新东方的GRE辅导班时,他们的老师曾警告所有男生:“如果你们这些小子打算留学,就要做好四年单身的准备。” 言外之意,和老外谈恋爱,门儿都没有——但是倘若爱神降临,就是惊喜。

当你找了中国男友或中国丈夫,有时你会感觉自己仿佛属于一个孤独俱乐部,而我并不是唯一的会员。我的来自德国的铁杆笔友就是这样在网络上发现我的,当时她找了一位中国男友并且迫切地想找人倾诉衷肠。

于是我开始纳闷——外国女孩和中国小伙拍拖的咋就这么少呢?

毫无疑问,部分原因根植于西方世界常见的偏见。

根据谢里丹·普拉索(Sheridan Prasso)的著作《The Asian Mystique: Dragon Ladies, Geisha Girls, & Our Fantasies of the Exotic Orient 》,基本上亚裔男人在美国主流媒体中一直以失败者的形象出现。

如果说好莱坞和电视上还有些许对亚裔女人令人仰慕的描绘,对于亚裔男人则吝啬许多了。他们绝少被刻画成拥有阳刚之气的男子汉。除了极少数例外,荧幕上的亚裔男性大多是鬼鬼祟祟而又没安好心的小个子——要么是缺少骨气的窝囊废,要么就是会些花拳绣腿却最终被白人打的屁滚尿流的小丑。缺少男子气,这些亚裔男性几乎永远得不到女人。

文章《性与亚洲男人》也印证了许多普拉索的观察,包括那种冷淡的武士:

即使在今天,亚裔美国男人仍然抱怨像周润发,成龙这样的动作英雄还是少有女人缘。正如本文作者,加州大学洛杉矶分校(UCLA)梁(Leong)教授所写的那样:“亚裔小伙子能拳脚功夫却不能得到一个吻。”

这种讨论在博客上就变得有些更加针对个人了,就像帖子《我们这群苦逼的亚裔男》或《亚裔男人真逊》。

即使这样,事情总有另一面。

我曾经被中国男人拒绝过,因为他们感觉作为传统的中国男性,实在无法想象娶一个洋妞。潜台词却通常是洋妞乃红颜祸水——生活随意的狐狸精或其他什么东西——或无法接受中国人的生活方式。一般来讲,分手的压力来自父辈。毕竟,在中国婚姻是整个家族的事情。

我之前的中国男友曾决绝地告诉我,他的父母是断无可能接受我的。起初我毫不怀疑他对我的爱——然而我感觉当他家里知道我们的恋爱关系后,就已经三令五申他和我这个洋妞之间绝无可能。甚至我丈夫也曾被公婆警告,洋妞可以做朋友,但绝不能做女朋友。幸运的是他们一见到我就改变了主意!

不过,还是有一些中国男性以及他们的家庭乐见外国妞成为家庭一员的。但是,麻烦又来了。杭州的闺蜜小陆(音)有一次告诉我,一些中国小伙子总是难以克服心中的自卑感——我这么一个来自世界超级大国美国的妹子总是会或多或少地吓到他们。按小陆的话说,这些小伙子无论如何也不会相信我这么一个姑娘会成为他们的另一半。

更有其他难言之隐。

09年夏天,载我去首都机场的司机承认他大学时有过一个俄罗斯女友。但是他说他从没能满足过那个妹子(嗯,那方面),然后,就没有然后了。这段刻骨铭心的经历让他从此对外国妹子敬而远之。

除此之外,我怀疑有些外国女人出于经济原因而不会考虑中国伴侣。如果不是大老板,高管,或炙手可热的人才,一般中国男人是很难挣到大钱的。而且如果他们要去女方国家生活,会有更多的障碍让他们难以养家糊口,比如语言不通,文化差异和异国固有的偏见。

尽管有这样那样的不顺、成见和其他阻碍,还是有洋妹子和中国小伙子走到了一起。我是其中之一,而且越来越多的外国女性正加入这一行列,比如博主the Local DialectThe Downtown DinerWo Ai Ni等等. 这种跨国恋甚至有时会悄悄地出现在新闻上。

眼下,生命中有了丈夫,我已感觉很幸福。这并不因为他是中国人或我们的婚姻有多么与众不同,而是因为,我爱他。

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14 thoughts on “关于少见的洋妞中男配

  • Pingback:Introducing Posts in Chinese! 隆重推出中文版! | Speaking of China

  • February 21, 2014 at 9:47 am
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    Very good and interesting translation.:)

    Reply
  • February 21, 2014 at 4:38 pm
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    关注你的博客差不多有一年多接近两年的样子了,很喜欢你的文章,惊喜的发现这篇中文的帖子。跟你们的情况不同的是,我是个中国妞嫁了个外国男。看到你说开始的时候中方的家长反对什么的,这些我们也经历了,如你博文里所说:可能有的洋妞由于经济原因不选择中国男,然而中国妞外国男遇到的情况则是,很多人认为这些外国男都是大款,中国妞是冲着他们的金钱而去的。也许确实有这样的情况存在,可是真正的大概又有几个呢。
    很喜欢你的最后一段,有种写到我心里的感觉(可能我要稍加改动一下):并不是因为他是外国人或我们的婚姻有多么与众不同,而是因为,我爱他。

    Reply
  • February 21, 2014 at 9:10 pm
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    Btw, do not despite of the facts China already has over 10 millons of 剩男军团, if this country wasn’t stable enough, there will be a huge DEAL or forces.. which means everything can happen. people should already sense hungers from “wolves”. so whichever western countries still trying so hard to press our nation means keeping pressing us, which directly resulting war, and losing more men in both sides, however we still have advantages being overated, even for high tech warfare we are almost even with any western nations, thinking about it, Pressing asian males, expecially Chinese men, could also bring death of west nations losing their men.. which means more women in western nations will be ending up as windowed. =)

    so for those single gals from west already in China, what’s all your purposes? when you all either showing your nice smile to every single Chinese strangers once you are passing by them, or you decided to head down all the time , and pretending to not belonging, what you are waiting for now? come to join the club where is Yangxufu in, then this loneliness could be gone..

    Reply
  • February 21, 2014 at 9:26 pm
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    Think about this way people:
    If foreign men or african men starting to taking million of caucasin female in states, what would be happening? the first thing the white house must think is just taking down President Ombama, and start a war with that foreign nation or africa.. same goes to China, bunch of bunch Chinese 吊丝军团 so fedup and sicked by this AFWM thing, they looked down those chinese women who sold themselves, call them whores. its so obviously if you knew CHinese, go on http://www.china.com, http://www.sina.com. weibo, etc etc… those popular chinese social websites, also people think China is good place to pick up girls could be sensing wrong. beacuse if we do have culture like skin headed in europe, or nazi parties, then there will be a gang who seek those white male in china, start to be volient ways. then would China still be ideal places for the guy like Manny or many Mannies out there?

    Reply
  • February 22, 2014 at 2:18 am
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    @ Jocelyn. You are great, J.E. I had a dream about you last night and it was that you became the President of the People’s Republic of China and later united Taiwan and Outer Mongolia and that you made peace with the Dali Lama and brought Tibet into the union. I think that your being the President of the PRC is not farfetched.

    Fred

    Reply
  • February 22, 2014 at 9:21 am
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    去女方国家生活,会有更多的障碍让他们难以养家糊口,比如语言不通,文化差异和异国固有的偏见。 — True.

    Reply
  • February 22, 2014 at 1:14 pm
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    @Fred You need to see a mental Doctor

    @ Zhao”去女方国家生活,会有更多的障碍让他们难以养家糊口,比如语言不通,文化差异和异国固有的偏见。 — True.”

    these got me thinking….. if there is an ideal place where can easily adpot both chinese and western cultures and lifestyle. neither China or any west nations but a place or a country where is welcoming and accepting mixed cultures would be so much greater for those cross culture relationships, as a native, I unterstood that will never be easy for any foregin women give up anything from their roots and spending rest of their lives in China with their Chinese spouses. on the other hands, the biggest challenge is that how long for both couples like foregin women and chinese men can maintian their marriages or relationships under the higher living pressures. most of them aren’t rich. so personal incomes and living conditions will be factors that can’t be ingored for either side who decided to living in a forgein country for long term.

    Reply
  • February 22, 2014 at 6:31 pm
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    @Yang , Yea! Reality,Money is always a important problem, if rich enough will reduce these stresses, of course a guy can still keep or get a stable incomes or business that’s also pretty good . That’s also depends on what’re they doing for living? We’re in 21 century – a internet century, Connect two so close, but so far.(Though Facebook, Twitter … is blocked in China, but can access them by some ways), Lots of Challenges and Chances in our century, just wish any couple can win the challenges and chances, perhaps after some years, these troubles would be less and less.

    Reply
  • February 23, 2014 at 4:14 am
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    I suppose soon your blog will be a good place to learn Chinese language as well. Well done!

    Reply
  • March 5, 2014 at 11:29 pm
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    Hi Jocelyn,

    其實我已經留意你的部落格有幾個月。很高興見到用中文寫的文章,對於你的經歷,我深受同感,特別是家人的反對和不理解。幸好有很多好朋友的支持。

    關於“回頭率“ 的事 (香港男和英國女的組合),事實是當我們住在英國的時候,我們很小留意到。在香港也是沒有。可能跨種族關係在這兩個國家已經很普遍,亞裔男和非亞裔女的組合也不小。可是如果我們到亞洲其他國家旅遊時(例如中國和馬來西亞),很多人的眼光都凝視在我們,像一雙動物園裡的動物!!! 也有好幾次我們被誤會為母子關係!!! 我不曉得為什麼其他人有這麼的想法, but hey, c’est la vie. 我們都習慣了。

    Phil

    Reply
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  • April 16, 2014 at 4:20 am
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    @ Chen Yong.

    In response to your statement:

    “its so obviously if you knew CHinese, go on http://www.china.com, http://www.sina.com. weibo, etc etc… those popular chinese social websites, also people think China is good place to pick up girls could be sensing wrong. beacuse if we do have culture like skin headed in europe, or nazi parties, then there will be a gang who seek those white male in china, start to be volient ways. then would China still be ideal places for the guy like Manny or many Mannies out there?”

    I must say that your criticism of us foreign boys (such as white boys like myself) is unfair. I cannot understand why you take offense to us Western men dating Asian (or Chinese) girls. I cannot say that all Western men like to pick up Asian or Chinese women. Only some of us love Asian girls and I am one of them. Why do you take such offense? You are presumably a Chinese man and are free to try and pick up on some of our white women as well. No one is limiting you. Perhaps you have a jealousy problem and cannot fathom the fact that we are successful with Asian women and you cannot do the same with the white girls. I suggest that you not hold such ill will or prejudice against us foreign men, but instead try to find the root of your dislike for us foreign men with Asian women. Why cannot 2 people such as WM/AW who fall in love be free from unfair criticism and ill informed judgments from Asian men like yourself? Please do not become angry or upset. Just simply allow love to fill your heart and let the love between WM and AW flourish. I think that once you let go of the ill informed notion and not despise either the Chinese girl who goes out with the foreign man and the foreign man who dates the Chinese girl, you will feel much better.

    Remember bro, let love flourish and rid your mind of prejudice and then you will be free. I recommend that you should chase a white foreign girl and then you can experience love for yourself.

    Manny.

    Reply

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