Comments on: “Zao sheng guizi”: the pressure of having babies in a Chinese family http://www.speakingofchina.com/china-articles/having-babies-chinese-family/ One Western woman with a Chinese husband makes sense of China 洋媳妇看中国 Tue, 07 Sep 2010 06:46:32 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Kelly http://www.speakingofchina.com/china-articles/having-babies-chinese-family/comment-page-1/#comment-2948 Kelly Tue, 01 Jun 2010 03:31:42 +0000 http://www.speakingofchina.com/?p=223#comment-2948 Not having to deal with this directly yet, but have had talks with my Chinese fiance about the "kid" issue. I never wanted them before, but he has changed my mind. I do want to have a child with him (although when he jokes about having a whole football team, I give him a dirty stare and remind him that HE doesn't have to give birth to them, so perhaps he should revise that plan!), but because of my Western upbringing, and perhaps the fact that I'm a teacher, I have very specific ideas about raising a child that we will all (myself, him, AND his family) have to comprehend before we even go down that road. I feel it's important to raise my own child, not just dump it on grandma and leave it up to her. And I have some issues with the discipline/manners (or lack thereof) that I see in many Chinese families and I don't want those passed on to my child. And besides this, his family does not live in the same city, and I'm not keen on his mother coming to live with us to raise the baby. Therefore, we need to agree that we are ready and able to have a child and decide how we will manage things first (yes, I'm a control freak! haha). Again, because of my Western upbringing, I feel bad for so many of my Chinese coworkers and others I know who are sometimes more or less forced into marrying someone they barely know, let alone like/love, and then immediately pressured into having a baby with this person. They don't get a chance to spend time together as a couple, getting to know each other and learn how to be grown adults in a relationship (having moved right from their parents' house to their new house). Is it any wonder I hear so many neighbours screaming and fighting at all hours? And then to bring a child into this mix, when many of the couples are barely able to take care of themselves? I know it is all part of the culture, but I'm not sure it's something I will ever get used to. Not having to deal with this directly yet, but have had talks with my Chinese fiance about the “kid” issue. I never wanted them before, but he has changed my mind. I do want to have a child with him (although when he jokes about having a whole football team, I give him a dirty stare and remind him that HE doesn’t have to give birth to them, so perhaps he should revise that plan!), but because of my Western upbringing, and perhaps the fact that I’m a teacher, I have very specific ideas about raising a child that we will all (myself, him, AND his family) have to comprehend before we even go down that road.
I feel it’s important to raise my own child, not just dump it on grandma and leave it up to her. And I have some issues with the discipline/manners (or lack thereof) that I see in many Chinese families and I don’t want those passed on to my child. And besides this, his family does not live in the same city, and I’m not keen on his mother coming to live with us to raise the baby. Therefore, we need to agree that we are ready and able to have a child and decide how we will manage things first (yes, I’m a control freak! haha).
Again, because of my Western upbringing, I feel bad for so many of my Chinese coworkers and others I know who are sometimes more or less forced into marrying someone they barely know, let alone like/love, and then immediately pressured into having a baby with this person. They don’t get a chance to spend time together as a couple, getting to know each other and learn how to be grown adults in a relationship (having moved right from their parents’ house to their new house). Is it any wonder I hear so many neighbours screaming and fighting at all hours? And then to bring a child into this mix, when many of the couples are barely able to take care of themselves? I know it is all part of the culture, but I’m not sure it’s something I will ever get used to.

]]> By: skreader http://www.speakingofchina.com/china-articles/having-babies-chinese-family/comment-page-1/#comment-2861 skreader Tue, 25 May 2010 02:47:26 +0000 http://www.speakingofchina.com/?p=223#comment-2861 Nope, never needed to have such a talk, because we both wanted to have children soon, and did. Originally, we wanted 5, but reality set in after no. 2 and that's what we have. Nope, never needed to have such a talk, because we both wanted to have children soon, and did. Originally, we wanted 5, but reality set in after no. 2 and that’s what we have.

]]> By: jackie http://www.speakingofchina.com/china-articles/having-babies-chinese-family/comment-page-1/#comment-2660 jackie Wed, 12 May 2010 15:09:28 +0000 http://www.speakingofchina.com/?p=223#comment-2660 I left a comment on the mother-in-law page, because I came across that first, but it's much more applicable here! http://www.speakingofchina.com/china-articles/chinese-mother-in-law-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-2659 I left a comment on the mother-in-law page, because I came across that first, but it’s much more applicable here! http://www.speakingofchina.com/china-articles/chinese-mother-in-law-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-2659

]]> By: Jocelyn http://www.speakingofchina.com/china-articles/having-babies-chinese-family/comment-page-1/#comment-2518 Jocelyn Thu, 29 Apr 2010 05:23:02 +0000 http://www.speakingofchina.com/?p=223#comment-2518 Thanks for sharing, Sylvia! The in-laws can be pretty relentless, huh? But I'm glad you saw the value in the time by yourselves. It is really important to have that time, and, in my opinion, to be psychologically ready for it at some level. Good luck with the pregnancy! Thanks for sharing, Sylvia! The in-laws can be pretty relentless, huh? But I’m glad you saw the value in the time by yourselves. It is really important to have that time, and, in my opinion, to be psychologically ready for it at some level. Good luck with the pregnancy!

]]> By: Sylvia http://www.speakingofchina.com/china-articles/having-babies-chinese-family/comment-page-1/#comment-2502 Sylvia Wed, 28 Apr 2010 04:55:26 +0000 http://www.speakingofchina.com/?p=223#comment-2502 I had continuous baby talk until I finally got pregnant from my parents-in-law. We will have been married for 6 years when we have our first child, and for two of those years we were trying, and had issues with getting pregnant. But now, I am so happy about the years we have had together without children. We are so much closer to eachother than we were when we first married, and we have learned a lot about living in the US and surviving in the US from our time here. I finally think, at 31, I am ready to have kids (but I'm still not totally sure:-)!) I had continuous baby talk until I finally got pregnant from my parents-in-law. We will have been married for 6 years when we have our first child, and for two of those years we were trying, and had issues with getting pregnant. But now, I am so happy about the years we have had together without children. We are so much closer to eachother than we were when we first married, and we have learned a lot about living in the US and surviving in the US from our time here. I finally think, at 31, I am ready to have kids (but I’m still not totally sure:-)!)

]]> By: Jocelyn http://www.speakingofchina.com/china-articles/having-babies-chinese-family/comment-page-1/#comment-2488 Jocelyn Tue, 27 Apr 2010 03:43:47 +0000 http://www.speakingofchina.com/?p=223#comment-2488 Dear Yudit, thanks for sharing your experience. You're very fortunate your inlaws understood, and never really pressured you about children. What a blessing! It definitely is good to wait, though I believe that a lot of Chinese families just don't realize (or think about) what it takes to raise a child properly. I think my inlaws are starting to understand, but even then, it will take them some time. (still, it helps that they're having a lot of problems w/ our nephew, which I think dampens their enthusiasm for another rugrat). Dear Yudit, thanks for sharing your experience. You’re very fortunate your inlaws understood, and never really pressured you about children. What a blessing! It definitely is good to wait, though I believe that a lot of Chinese families just don’t realize (or think about) what it takes to raise a child properly. I think my inlaws are starting to understand, but even then, it will take them some time. (still, it helps that they’re having a lot of problems w/ our nephew, which I think dampens their enthusiasm for another rugrat).

]]> By: Yudit http://www.speakingofchina.com/china-articles/having-babies-chinese-family/comment-page-1/#comment-2462 Yudit Mon, 26 Apr 2010 02:07:58 +0000 http://www.speakingofchina.com/?p=223#comment-2462 Dear Jocelyn, Just came across with your blog and I find it very interesting! I married my Malaysian-Chinese husband in 1997 when I was 21. We registered our marriage with two witnesses on a Monday evening, wearing jeans. It was our decision and never regreted it - however we did do the tea ceremony. I lived with my in-laws for 2.5 years but they didn't talk about grandchildren. I guess they also wanted to see if I'd stay or end up divorced as people normally do in the West - according to their beliefs at that time. However, it was the neighbours and relatives who kept telling me that it's time for me to have kids because my MIL wants to have grandchildren. You can imagine how "happy" I was hearing this from people who had nothing to do with my life. I simply told them that I would have kids when I was ready and not because my MIL's wish. I had my son 7 years into our marriage and I'm happy that I waited. We were so young when we got married, just finished school, obviously we couldn't have managed it. Raising kids are not easy, not to mention the cost involved. I belive my MIL understood us and actually I'm really blessed to have a Chinese MIL whose priority is her son's happiness not the traditions. I have many Chinese friends who are under great pressure after getting married to give their in-laws a grandson... Dear Jocelyn,

Just came across with your blog and I find it very interesting!
I married my Malaysian-Chinese husband in 1997 when I was 21. We registered our marriage with two witnesses on a Monday evening, wearing jeans. It was our decision and never regreted it – however we did do the tea ceremony. I lived with my in-laws for 2.5 years but they didn’t talk about grandchildren. I guess they also wanted to see if I’d stay or end up divorced as people normally do in the West – according to their beliefs at that time.
However, it was the neighbours and relatives who kept telling me that it’s time for me to have kids because my MIL wants to have grandchildren. You can imagine how “happy” I was hearing this from people who had nothing to do with my life. I simply told them that I would have kids when I was ready and not because my MIL’s wish. I had my son 7 years into our marriage and I’m happy that I waited. We were so young when we got married, just finished school, obviously we couldn’t have managed it. Raising kids are not easy, not to mention the cost involved. I belive my MIL understood us and actually I’m really blessed to have a Chinese MIL whose priority is her son’s happiness not the traditions. I have many Chinese friends who are under great pressure after getting married to give their in-laws a grandson…

]]> By: at home… in China » Life, According to Script http://www.speakingofchina.com/china-articles/having-babies-chinese-family/comment-page-1/#comment-2102 at home… in China » Life, According to Script Mon, 05 Apr 2010 14:56:24 +0000 http://www.speakingofchina.com/?p=223#comment-2102 [...] marriage, pressure is for a child to follow soon. Mothers are then expected to focus on the child’s education – I have even had female students [...] [...] marriage, pressure is for a child to follow soon. Mothers are then expected to focus on the child’s education – I have even had female students [...]

]]> By: Jocelyn http://www.speakingofchina.com/china-articles/having-babies-chinese-family/comment-page-1/#comment-1749 Jocelyn Tue, 23 Mar 2010 05:01:50 +0000 http://www.speakingofchina.com/?p=223#comment-1749 Thanks for the comment, Rhiannon -- and for sharing others' experiences with having children. How funny (the non-maternal instinct!). Thanks for the comment, Rhiannon — and for sharing others’ experiences with having children. How funny (the non-maternal instinct!).

]]> By: rhiannon http://www.speakingofchina.com/china-articles/having-babies-chinese-family/comment-page-1/#comment-1735 rhiannon Mon, 22 Mar 2010 15:57:52 +0000 http://www.speakingofchina.com/?p=223#comment-1735 LOL, hmmmmm, wish I had a little of the non maternal instinct! ;) I just wanted to add that I know a lot of people who didn't feel that urge, but once that baby is there, it comes on big time. LOL, hmmmmm, wish I had a little of the non maternal instinct! ;)
I just wanted to add that I know a lot of people who didn’t feel that urge, but once that baby is there, it comes on big time.

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