One Chinese Woman Fears Marriage | Speaking of China

18 Responses

  1. Gerald
    Gerald May 23, 2011 at 4:25 am | | Reply

    I’ve had a few girls tell me that the men are always nice *before* you marry them, then they show their true nature, which I’m sure also helps a lot. And it usually seems to be a teaching they get from their mothers (who’ll turn around and try to find them somebody they, the mothers, think is a good catch, more than a good match, if the girls aren’t married by age 25…).
    So, yeah, I think there’s quite a fear also of what marriage will bring. Add the pressure to get a child, the fear of a man’s infidelity…

  2. Magnus
    Magnus May 23, 2011 at 6:42 am | | Reply

    Ouch. This was the most painful line: “When someone knows you and your personality too well, they know just how to hurt you. It’s easier for them to hurt you.”

    You can totally flip this around and say the same thing about how great marriage is. If you know someone’s personality you can love them and take care of them better. It’s easier to love them.

    Kind of cynical.

  3. Jin Feng
    Jin Feng May 23, 2011 at 7:06 am | | Reply

    cold shivers, im so sad to read that, but i was also one of those girls (kind of). it was more of a facade really… my personal joke is “the first step to divorce is getting married”.. i guess, in my heart i was always romantic, and i used to hide behind that exterior that it is not for me, but it is a scary thing! especially these days, people don’t really like to talk about how well things are going… its like the news… only bad news sells. so you don’t get to hear of those truly romantic stories, the couple who continue to love eachother through life, until their very old age… because those who are happy maybe don’t feel the need to broadcast it all the time… as happiness is a fleeting thing… like a bird… maybe it’s too precious to declare to others and we are too absorved in other things to notice the “true love” stories, which CERTAINLY still happen today. Either way, majority of the time we hear about things going wrongly, arguments… our girlfriends or boy mates more frequently come to us with problems or when things are going wrong.. and so we are in a state of almost always hearing bad news all the time. So I guess, if you want the good, you have to look for it. Take action, search for happy stories on the internet, speak to your elders who have been together for years, or friends who know friends who have successful love stories and let THAT rub off on you, not that pile of negativity that is always around us.

    My boyfriend and I can barely understand eachother sometimes due to our broken understanding of eachothers language, on the other hand, we still love eachother and work together as a team. And although most others complain about long distance relationships, or language barriers etc, I CHOOSE to hold on the beacon of hope one of my closest friends gave to me when he informed me that his parents did not speak a word of eachothers languages when they first met and are still happily together after 25 years. We have to make a concious decision to seek, cherish and multipy good news. Most often than not, we receive what we believe in.

  4. Bruce
    Bruce May 23, 2011 at 9:43 am | | Reply

    I know a lot of men and women that are afraid of marriage. I told them that in order for a marriage to work out, you and your partners need to talk and understand everything from A to Z. To me, I think marriage is always about understanding and humors. If I’m angry at times , my wife knows how to adjust to the moment of the heated argument and I do the same when she is upset. Tell me who doesn’t have rage and angry? I have been trying to control both for a long time as I get older. Married life is good for you people and make you much happier than a single life!!!!!!!!!!! I know being single, you can see different men or women every single night and day if you choose to, but you feel empty on the inside! My best friend says ” I have 4 to 6 women see me at a time but it’s not what you think. I don’t even know if they love me. They just like my HUGE HOUSE .” Like I said again and again, you have to find qualities in a person. Qualities don’t mean good looking and beautiful! You want a person with a heart of gold. Don’t ever give me this nonsense that divorce is caused by money issue. You run a family, a company or a country with a budget and communicating with each other! If you have a GIVE ME RIGHT NOW attitude, you will run into lots of trouble in your marriage. Everything takes time to mature including a marriage. Just like red wine, the long you store it , the better and smooth it tastes. Yes, I do agree that your wife/husband is your best friend!!!!!!!!! Do you want to marry a stranger ? come on, people. In our marriage, my wife and I talk about everything and anything. From the nastiest to the nicest subjects. Men will have temptation to become horndogs but how many men are like that. It’s not about marrying a person from the big city or the countryside. It’s about qualities and the heart that are the most important in a marriage, a relationship , and in a society. I wish I could say some more here but I’m just loaded with work.

  5. Eileen
    Eileen May 23, 2011 at 11:28 am | | Reply

    I never thought in a million years I would get married. I told my now husband that I thought I will work at Home Depot with the paint section, live in a trailor, and have at least 5 cats.

  6. ordinary malaysian
    ordinary malaysian May 23, 2011 at 3:15 pm | | Reply

    Whether or not a marriage will turn out a successful one is the last thing anybody can predict. But I think it is within partners’ capability to make it work. I believe your cousin will come around soon when she falls in love and the fear of marriage will seem silly.

  7. Bruce
    Bruce May 23, 2011 at 4:10 pm | | Reply

    I’ve seen single men and women like that turn around all the time. I persuaded my best friend to give his current gf a shot of LOVE. She’s successful , down to earth and very supportive. They have known each other for like 15 yrs plus as friends but dating different people. I said ” you are such a freaking idiot if you let her go. Smart women don’t just let you use for sex . Within 6 months or a yr, they want commitment and go steady. There are millions women out there but can you find a woman like this one ??? ” He said “NO, it is soo damn hard to find someone like her” I know you guys out there can find someone special if you look hard enough. Sometimes , it’s about fate on meeting your wife. Being single is very lonely for sure because you’re always chasing from one woman/man to the next. For some people , it’s all about the CHASE. They feel excited for a while and once they obtain or accomplish that chase, they will be bored and acted like a dead fish again. They will move to another man /woman for an CHASE again. It’s never satisfied. That is why you see so many lovely, single women and men out there.

  8. Bruce
    Bruce May 23, 2011 at 4:18 pm | | Reply

    lovely = Lonely :). sorry hahaah lol Can somebody throw me a bone here? I’m working too hard and My mind and fingers don’t match

  9. SBC
    SBC May 23, 2011 at 4:27 pm | | Reply

    Its sad that marriage does not seem to have that many believers but even sadder that people are becoming cynical towards love. Part of it is inevitable though. The more freedom/media/communication/information we get the more complex our lives become. Most chinese female friends I have though, do want to get married, and actually share their parents worries that they are getting too old and should find someone. Even though they are highly educated women living in the west… so… maybe it is personal experience?

    I too grew up thinking I would never fall in love, never marry and be an old maid with a bad temper, but I did fall in love. So I guess once this girl meets the person she really falls in love with, at least she will start believing in a part of it.

    I also agree about friendship between husband and wife. I think being friends is more important than being romantic partners to some extent.

  10. Woman
    Woman May 23, 2011 at 4:33 pm | | Reply

    I am that girl in your post. I am tired of being walked on and having the two men I gave my heart to die on me by stupid drivers who decided to drink then get behind the wheel.

    For me, it is just much easier to live my life now and stop trying to find someone to walk along beside me. I’ve been hurt both physically and emotionally to the point that would have driven many women to do drastic things, I’ve buried two men I loved deeply, and I am still standing. I just do not know if I can go through something that soul hurting again in my life.

    I am not closed off to the possibility of finding someone who I can be that close to again though. I just don’t know if I can take that leap and trust the universe won’t turn around and bitch smack me again for I still don’t know how I lived through it once, let alone twice.

    My own views I stated above. But my views I do not pass to my students or to my friends. I express it as a choice that they have. And I also make sure that they realise that getting married is a choice they have to make. And that it is ok to live with a man (when they are adults) and not be married.

  11. C
    C May 23, 2011 at 5:57 pm | | Reply

    marriage is a risky investment. Some play it well , some don’t. Marriage isn’t for everybody either. It’s just a game we play with another person like playing ping pong until one gives up. The ball stops bouncing, no game, no marriage, NO PRESSURE.

  12. Sarah
    Sarah May 26, 2011 at 2:29 pm | | Reply

    well there is life after divorce. so many people overcome it. There’s no way to predict whether a marriage will be a success or a failure. sometimes marriages of 20 to 30 years break down.

    Basically i just think if she doesn’t try she will never know and there are worse things in life than a divorce.

  13. Li Lan
    Li Lan May 26, 2011 at 9:23 pm | | Reply

    >>>Not everyone has a bad marriage,” I interjected, mentioning my husband and I. “I think the important thing is to marry someone you know well, someone like your best friend.”<<<

    Your marriage is nice, and nice is nice, but people change. The person you think you know well could change in 10, 15, 20 years and the best friend becomes a worst enemy. Sarah is right that marriages of 20 to 30 years break down. And yes, there is life after divorce, and in my case it was a better life after my divorce after 17 years of marriage and there are worse things than divorce.

  14. Homer
    Homer May 27, 2011 at 12:13 am | | Reply

    I have lot’s of thoughts on marriage. Some I can’t even express. I personally have not found “the one,” and have grown up around both sets of grandparents being married till they passed away.

    I would like to think that is the way it’s going to happen with myself. When I lived in the States I thought it might never happen. Now since I live in China I think that I might have a chance.

    My parents divorced when I was a kid after 15 yrs of marriage. I suppose it was hard. But really I turned out fine. I might get bashed for this but I think that maybe divorce has something to do with the rise of the working woman. And although I am no expert with a PHD it just seems to make sense. With divorce rising as woman’s incomes rise seems to be a little fishy.

    With women being able to financially support themselves and really don’t need a man like they did in the past, women are waiting longer to find the perfect man. Although I would argue that the perfect man, the man that they have made up in their imaginations, probably doesn’t exist. When they do find a partner they have the option to jump ship at any time because they are able to support themselves without the aid of a male. Thus even little things that would of gotten passed up or lived with in the past are now becoming deal breakers. I think here in China some of these things are still put up with. I’m not talking about serious things that warrant a split or break up, but little things that might be more viewed as pet peeves.

    It’s unfortunate, but I think the era of 20-30 year marriages might be declining. Totally a bummer.

  15. C
    C May 27, 2011 at 11:21 pm | | Reply

    yeah well, if you want legal ties and financial obligations with the person, so marriage will work for that for the main part. if the relationship does not work, that’s hell breaking loose and if you’ve got all the money in the world to pay more than you’ve ever paid before in your life time – your call if that’s worth the risk of a big downfall and heart ache.

  16. BRUCE
    BRUCE May 28, 2011 at 7:05 am | | Reply

    Some divorced people get married again is because they feel lonely and they don’t want to stare at 4 walls when they arrive home. Money is not a tool to control another person in a marriage. It doesn’t matter how much the other spouse contribute to the family. I know a few Chinese couples and the women make more money than the men. THey’re fine , it’s just how you look at money. Women need more things to do in the marriage. They want something fresh most of the time. Don’t expect women to go to work and go home in front of the TV in secs. Take short trips, do something spontaneous :), plant a beautiful garden for her, build a pond where you and her can relax and have things to talk about. Marriage is good IF you and your spouse know how to discuss and make things great. I love being single ,too but seems like you don’t have someone to share it . You know gfs/bfs won’t stay around for long.

  17. Woman
    Woman June 2, 2011 at 7:15 am | | Reply

    Homer said; “I might get bashed for this but I think that maybe divorce has something to do with the rise of the working woman. And although I am no expert with a PHD it just seems to make sense. With divorce rising as woman’s incomes rise seems to be a little fishy.”

    Nope. I agree with you. There is something fishy about it. And I read one study where it was some huge percent of women said that the reason why women are not as happy as in the past is simply because we have way too many options and choices in our day to day life.

    Not to mention the pressures of today’s societies? Yikes. It is a wonder how people can stay sane.

  18. Aurora
    Aurora July 2, 2011 at 2:21 am | | Reply

    I’m not married, but only recently I’m struggling with whether or not marriage sucks. Growing up I didn’t have positive relationships around me: my parents fought all the time so to speak, and I have a hard time forging connections with other people. I’ve had a close male friend for the last five years and for the last few weeks he and I have fought pretty constantly (recently he threatened to terminate our friendship because of our arguments). When those arguments started, I asked my mom if this is what being married is like, and her response was yeah. (As a joke my family even refers to this guy-friend as a husband, although I don’t feel that way about him.) I am terrified of conflict or fights to be honest. (From childhood I always associate conflict or fights with temper tantrums, screaming, not listening and misunderstanding all mixed in together.) I dated a Korean guy for two and a half years before he went back to Korea, and although he never yelled or screamed at me, I still fear making him angry, (and apparently in a true Asian fashion, he always swept issues under the rug, never discussed anything with me.) Unfortunately I have a temper and it shows itself often, so I worry that if someone was to get married with me then how will they handle me and my temper? Most likely the poor guy will be miserable… 🙁

    It’s also pretty important to be observant of somebody and especially in an interracial relationship to learn about their culture, and for a guy even if you disagree or feel angry, still respect the girl’s feelings and try to understand why she feels the way she does and don’t jump to conclusions. I also think that in this kind of relationship, figure out a way to say questions that don’t sound offensive to the guy. (One time I thought I left something at Korean guy’s apartment, he thought I accused him of being a thief, and yeah he was mad.) Also a lot of patience is required on both sides, more so for the girl until the guy warms up to your family. (It often feels that the guy is moving on a turtle while the girl is moving on a hare.) And “actions speak louder than words” best describe these relationships which can make a girl feel insecure. (My Korean ex never tells me he loves me but in some ways I feel that he does through actions. Last year when he visited Korea, he called me almost every week through the whole summer, and when he had a night time job, he also made sure to visit me even if it tired him out.)

    Out of curiosity, is that the way Chinese guys show their affections as well? (Sorry for going overboard and perhaps not answering the question…)

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