Today, I’m taking a break from my usual Friday content. The same discrimination I wrote about back in November continues to rear its head in new and malevolent ways, threatening my husband’s future.
I want to be the kind of yangxifu who can shove it all aside and find the strength to churn out another Ask the Yangxifu, Yangxifu Pride or even Mandarin Love. But I can’t right now. To be honest, I’ve spent most of this week oscillating between a kind of “don’t worry, everything will be okay” mindset to outright fear, terror and the tears that come along with it all. Most days I’ve cried, some more than others. And just when I find a small patch of hope — something that gives me a sense that maybe, just maybe, this will turn out all right — it gets stamped out by another goon.
I wish I could tell you what was really going on. Suffice to say, it’s the stuff that I used to believe only happened in movies. In my worst moments, sometimes I even doubt we’ll ever get our happy ending, and I’m never like that.
I still struggle to share this story, even with my friends in the US. Not everyone understands what’s going on, and some of them have even dared to side/understand the discriminators in this equation. So I keep to myself more than I should, and just try to “push through it” even when I feel like I’m dying as I watch my husband suffer. I just reached my crisis limit now and need to take a step back.
I’m going to take some time out this weekend to relax and hopefully replenish my creative energies to soldier on in this “long march” of ours. We won’t give up, I promise.
I’ll be back on Monday as usual, and thanks for reading.
P.S.: My apologies to readers who wrote to me recently — I am getting caught up on my e-mails this weekend. Hope you understand.