Chapter 15: Climbing Back Into Love With John | Speaking of China

8 Responses

  1. melanie gao
    melanie gao January 28, 2010 at 5:28 am | | Reply

    Am I a stalker if I comment on each and every post of yours? I just can’t resist the questions you ask at the end of your posts. 🙂

    Here’s an uncomfortable moment. My husband and I were newlyweds and living on next to nothing. We had just moved to the US and he wasn’t used to driving yet, and got into a very small fender bender that was his fault. When I heard about it, I was worried about the repair costs to the other person’s car – I wasn’t even thinking about repairing our car since there would never be enough money to repair the cosmetic damage. And I was worried about our insurance premiums going up. And I was mad at him for not being more careful, because as a poor young couple we couldn’t afford to have accidents. We just could not afford to be anything but cautious and careful and frugal all the time.

    All the while, I forgot to say, “I’m so glad you’re okay.” I was glad he was okay but I hadn’t said it.

    And it was something he really needed to hear at that moment. The accident had been something of a shock for him and he needed me to be supportive and understanding instead of accusing and angry. He needed me to be with him, not against him.

    I look back on those days and think how much better I am as a partner now, and I owe that to him and the fact that he stayed with me.

  2. Liz Hunt
    Liz Hunt January 28, 2010 at 11:12 am | | Reply

    Jocelyn, this is not the first post I’ve read from your blog and it will not be the last. Your writing is truly captivating, thank you for sharing such personal and tender things with all of us, you’re beautiful!

  3. Jessica
    Jessica January 29, 2010 at 1:20 am | | Reply

    Hah, we have to take a bus like that to get back to my husband’s home village. Luckily by the time we started dating I’d been on many such bus rides (I’m an off the beaten track sort of person) so it wasn’t that jarring. The view on the way is really pretty too.

    I think I mentioned before that the first fight I ever had with my husband was when I somewhat foolishly got into an argument with him about the Japanese. My husband’s dad fought in the war, he’s a big history buff, he knows his stuff, and he has a strong dislike of Japan. Of course me being a huge liberal and a big fan of multiculturalism and all that good stuff, had to start a “but not ALL Japanese people are bad” thing with him. Which is, of course, true. But I think at that point I didn’t quite get the Chinese hatred for Japan, just how strongly they feel, how it really, to lots of people, isn’t just propaganda, but their actual family history that makes them feel this way.

    We made up, of course, although I can’t remember exactly how. Later on my husband met some Japanese people, friends of mine, and came to the conclusion on his own that Japanese people aren’t all bad, which was better anyhow, because he didn’t just have to take my word for it. Nowadays he’ll say that he still hates Japan as a country but doesn’t have anything against individual Japanese people, which is about as much as I can ask for.

  4. Iknowwhatyoumean
    Iknowwhatyoumean May 2, 2011 at 8:18 am | | Reply

    This is really great writing. And it expresses a lot of the conflicts me and my boyfriend encounter. Its difficult, because I too am sensitive, insecure, emotional and passionate. And there couldnt be a more stoic and calm man than my boyfriend. In most of our time together, we underwent strain because of career concerns in a foreign country and then the sudden demise of this father. Thats a lot for the already sensitive, impatient me. It has made us bicker more than once in a while.

    However, my bf thankfully isn’t as rattled by my sensitivity and there are moments, such as the one you described on the mountain, when we just come around and face each other as we are.

    We are friends with another east asian couple, whose silent chemistry and totally calm relationship always made me feel that maybe my boyfriend was loosing out on that peace and calm being with someone like me, who was more hotheaded. Calm and stable as he is, I used to think he would be happier with someone less temperamental. But every time we make up and realize that we ll conquer this simply because we love each other, I also realize that relationships are something you build and they rarely come pre packaged to look stable and perfect. And that keeps both of us together despite terrible fights.

    I am sure there are many more such mountains that we need to climb, but hopefully we’ll get there too.. together. 🙂

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