Double Happiness: A Journey Towards China And Love | Speaking of China

30 Responses

  1. Susan Blumberg-Kason
    Susan Blumberg-Kason March 2, 2012 at 6:41 am | | Reply

    Wow, this is so sad. I know how she feels, though, and have confidence that she’ll meet Mr. Right. She’s in a good plaace for that because Shanghai attracts people who are open minded and modern. I’d just focus on doing things she enjoys–like she was doing the times she met the other guys. But it’s important not to rush into a relationship with the next Chinese guy just because he’s Chinese and perhaps a replacement for the other guys. She seems very level-headed so I’m sure she’ll do well! All the best!

  2. BRUCE
    BRUCE March 2, 2012 at 8:50 am | | Reply

    Just came back from a long trip! Yes, don’t jump into a relationship so soon. Meeting that right person will depend on your fate sometimes! I really understand what everyone is going through.

    Bruce

  3. ordinary malaysian
    ordinary malaysian March 2, 2012 at 11:31 am | | Reply

    What romantic love stories although they didn’t work out in the end. Never mind, you have loved and you have gained. Love is never a loss. Sure you will find someone with whom it will work out. There is this Chinese belief that there is a red thread joining you and your future one. Although this thread may stretch it won’t break. It will lead you to him and him to you.

  4. ordinary malaysian
    ordinary malaysian March 2, 2012 at 11:35 am | | Reply

    Of course, what happens after matrimony depends on a lot of things and nobody knows for sure, least someone takes issue with the red thread.

  5. BRUCE
    BRUCE March 2, 2012 at 1:10 pm | | Reply

    Let’s think a little deeper here. It’s pretty hard to find a soul mate within our own race already. Just imagine finding a person outside our race. I went to alot of weddings before and I can tell if a couple has love and chemistry or not. Chemistry is very important in a relationship. That’s what turn it on about that person all the time. Some women or some men are very good to look at indeed. Some things just turn you on and it’s hard to explain.

    Bruce

  6. ordinary malaysian
    ordinary malaysian March 2, 2012 at 4:26 pm | | Reply

    Oops, it should have been “lest”, not ” least”!

  7. aiyangxifu
    aiyangxifu March 2, 2012 at 9:34 pm | | Reply

    All beautiful stories here are good romantic film material. Any procucers here?

  8. aiyangxifu
    aiyangxifu March 2, 2012 at 9:35 pm | | Reply

    Especially love stories like this will produce major hit in China. With growing consumer power in China, you know where the money is.

  9. Sveta
    Sveta March 2, 2012 at 10:43 pm | | Reply

    Wow, sorry to hear things didn’t work out. In 2006 through Myspace I met a Chinese guy. He wasn’t handsome but wow he was intelligent. (I was barely out of high school while he was going for his PhD. His intelligence intimidated me…) I remember we met one time on March 8th and I thought we had a fun time. To this day I have no idea what I’ve done or said, but I think I might have put pressure on him to kiss me. (I still had Western mindset and had no idea it was against Chinese culture, but he was also the best kisser I’ve had :)) To make long story short, after the first meeting he disappeared and to this day I have no idea what I’ve done or not done to cause it this way.

  10. Bruce
    Bruce March 3, 2012 at 11:52 am | | Reply

    Sveta,

    You mean you didn’t have his contact information at all? Do you feel like there are butterflies in your stomach when you think about that kiss?

  11. Mayte
    Mayte March 3, 2012 at 4:40 pm | | Reply

    Sveta,

    I don’t think it was anything you did (or didn’t do, for that matter). It sounds like it was just him. He likely thought of it as a casual meeting and took a chance to kiss you. If he was not used to the idea of exchanging a kiss in the first place, was away from home, and was meeting you for the first time, it gave him an opportunity he might not have otherwise had. So it would make sense for him to try it. If he’s not tuned into the idea to begin with, he may think it’s casual and that there were also no expectations to worry about afterward. Then there’s the whole idea about people thinking all Westerners behave like they do on TV and in movies…. It could just be that too.

    It does sound like you had a nice time with him though and that’s always a plus. It’s always nice to reminisce about things like that, so keep it for one of those days when you need to take a breather.

  12. naomi
    naomi March 4, 2012 at 7:50 am | | Reply

    Wow! Such romantic stories! I hope this doesn’t come out wrong, but I think you have some amazing stories to share with your future children and grandchildren. Although they didn’t “work out,” they’ve still helped shape you and bring you to where you are now.

  13. Philip
    Philip March 4, 2012 at 11:44 pm | | Reply

    Mayte
    Wow, what a moving, lovely, romantic and yet sad story!! I am very sorry to hear that the things didn’t work out. Family pressure always plays a big role in one’s marriage in China. Many Chinese parents have traditional way of thinking. There are several factors that would influence their thinking.

    Firstly, language problems, many elder Chinese parents can not speak English, so they will have difficulty in communicating with their western son or daughter-in-law, if he or she doesn’t have good command of the Chinese language.

    Secondly, different food style, many Chinese parents like cooking Chinese dishes, they may hardly cook and have western meals, like pasta, mash potatoes, pizza etc. They may ask, can my western son or daughter-in-law cook good delicious meals in the family? Cos “Eating” is such a big culture in China. ^^

    Thirdly, when Chinese parents are getting old, they don’t want to live in old people’s home, because they may find it lonely and unhappy living there. Rather they want to live with their children, so that their children can and keep a good eye and take good care of them. In the west, parents don’t normally live with their children in the same house when they are older, they are normally being put into the old people’s home by their children. Having visited old folks in the rest home myself in NZ, they told me their heart broken story that some of their children just don’t care them anymore, and they find it hard and very lonely. I am always feel sorry and sad for them. In China, Filial piety “孝” means ..’to take care of one’s parents’..’to have good virtue”.. plays such an important role in the Chinese Society and throughout its’ history.

    So those above factors may influence Chinese parent’s decision whether they want to have a western son or daughter-in-law.

    Having said that, there are also many Chinese parents are very open minded and would be very happy to have a son or daughter-in-law from the west, as long as they love each other deeply and prepare to make the relationship and marriage work. Because Chinese parents care deeply for their children’s well being, they always want best for their children, marriage is no difference too.

    Mayte, you can try to work on the above things that i mention. For example, try to master the Chinese language skills, learn to appreciate Chinese culture, its literature and music. Learn to cook Chinese food well, and being thoughtful and respectful when you are around with your future parents in-law. When they see that you have those good characters and qualities in yourself, they will surely appreciate you and want you to be part of their family.

    Mayte, from reading your long story, I can tell that you are a very lovely and adorable person, you should never give up hope for finding your loved one. There are many sweet and lovely single Chinese men out there wanting to meet their other half like you. He may be one of the reader reading your story right now… You never know… Just be patients… ^^

    I hope things will work out for you eventually and you will have found the love that you want and you live happily ever after with “that special him”.

    Hope you wound find my advice useful and helpful!!
    – Philip ^^

    P.S. To Jocelyn
    My name is Philip from China, this is my first ever comment in your site. I first found out your site at the end of 2009, and loved it instantly. You have done a wonderful job building bridges between Chinese and Western cultures. Keep up the fantastic work!!

  14. Mayte
    Mayte March 5, 2012 at 6:05 am | | Reply

    Hi Philip,

    I think you, and others, would be surprised at the similarities between Chinese culture and Mexican culture. My best friend (since childhood) is Chinese and so I know a lot about the culture being that we grew up together with both families very involved with us. As far as language, my Chinese is not perfect but it’s manageable so I have that to my advantage. I also happen to like studying the language so fluency isn’t out of reach.

    Second, food is big culture with Mexicans too. I happen to come from a family of amazing cooks and also restaurateurs, so we enjoy experimenting with food and I do happen to cook a few Chinese dishes. My Chinese family (my best friend’s parents) also own a Chinese restaurant, so I have learned a lot from them too.

    And thirdly, the issue of putting a parent in a home in their golden years is unheard of in Mexican culture. It’s changing, which I think is sad, as more people “assimilate” into “Western” culture. But it’s not how we were raised so it wouldn’t happen in our family. I think the concerns are valid for people who don’t know anything about the person their child is dating, but if they take the time to get to know you, they’d quickly learn that we’re not so different.

    C.J., still harps on me from time to time about the amount of attention I give my family. He thinks I worry too much about them (as I happen to help my parents, siblings, and their kids too from time to time). When it’s family, you do what you can to help out. Unfortunately, the situations didn’t work out so they didn’t get a chance to see that.

    I haven’t lost hope though. Not by any means. I know something good will happen for me. I like to think that even though I thought these two guys were the greatest loves of my life, that they were prequels to someone better who is being guided to me. I’m an optimist. I can’t see living any other way. Thank you for your encouragement and kind comments. I do appreciate them and will keep them in mind.

  15. Henry Yeh
    Henry Yeh March 5, 2012 at 9:18 am | | Reply

    @Mayte Eres chicana o mexicana? Actualmente me radico en la ciudad Queretaro, y se me preciso que la cultura del Bajio es muy diferente con la cultura chicana en California.

  16. Mayte
    Mayte March 5, 2012 at 4:11 pm | | Reply

    Hola Henry,

    Soy chicana, pero tengo familia en Mejico tambien. Voy a responder en Ingles para evitar la duplicacion de esta respuesta por la traduccion.

    Henry asked if I was Mexican American vs. a Mexican national. Actually, I am Mexican American. We have family in Mexico, and probably more than I’m actually aware of.

    Henry says that the culture in Mexico is different from the Mexican American culture in the States. Which is true. I think at the root, they started out the same way though. It’s changed through assimilation and simply a different experience in the States.

    However, at the root, they are the same. In the US, culture is different because dominant culture dictates the social norms and everyone else is expected to conform. In Mexico, Mexican culture IS the norm. Not novelty and not dismissed so easily. Chinese culture in the US is also similar. If they have been there for several generations, the traditions are still there, but sometimes they tend to veer off on their own path. Sometimes things are lost because people aren’t as close to it anymore.

    My mother says, your manners (and in this case, traditions) are always better when you’re close to mama. If you’re away from your Mother country…things seem a bit more relaxed, perhaps under the guise of trying new things, perhaps not.

  17. aiyangxifu
    aiyangxifu March 5, 2012 at 4:35 pm | | Reply

    @Mayte

    你的爱情故事很感人。如果你不反对,我想把你的故事转贴到中文的百度“洋媳妇”吧。那里有许多中国小伙子们渴望找到自己的洋媳妇。你的故事可以让他们得到启发和鼓舞。说不定还可以让有情人终成眷属。

  18. Henry Yeh
    Henry Yeh March 5, 2012 at 10:01 pm | | Reply

    Actually, Chicanos are FAR more warm-hearted than Mexicans from El Bajio (Chilangos & pseudo-Chilangos). This is because the vast majority of Chicanos can trace their roots to certain warm-blooded areas of Mexico. Roughly half of my Chicano & Mexican friends in San Jose, CA, hail from Michoacan. And I made more friends in 2 months while living in Uruapan & Morelia, than I was able to do so in QRO in one year.
    BTW, here in QRO, the Chinese community still hails from the traditional “4 Counties” (四邑) of rural Gangdong (that shipped out huge number of immigrants during the Gold Rush). These people steadfastly refuse to integrate with the rest of Chinese. As a Taiwanese, I often find it easier to socialize with Westerners than with them.

  19. Mayte
    Mayte March 6, 2012 at 5:02 am | | Reply

    Hi Henry,

    I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a poor experience in Mexico. That’s not been my experience when I’ve been there and I have several friends who travel and have lived there also who would also disagree with you. But that said, I do have to credit my Chicano brethren. They are a pretty awesome group to be around. As far as the Chinese groups in Mexico that you mentioned, I had heard that they had trouble integrating with Mexicans but not with Chinese. Maybe it was a typo. But I think after living there for so long, it would be a great case study to see if their reasons fall away from the usual ones. They can’t be staying on for no reason.

    Back to the story at hand though, how about you Henry? I’m gonna pass the torch your way. Have you had any leads toward love while in Mexico? Or in the US? I’d love to hear your stories. =)

  20. Mayte
    Mayte March 6, 2012 at 5:19 am | | Reply

    @ aiyangxifu,

    I’d rather you didn’t do that. I think it’s sufficient to post it here. I’m not really looking for lots of attention being brought to it. I share here because I’m comfortable sharing within this community. It looks as if you’ve already taken action without asking anyway though. So I doubt it can be remedied now.

  21. Henry Yeh
    Henry Yeh March 6, 2012 at 12:05 pm | | Reply

    @Mayte
    My experience in Mexico has not been bad at all. It’s just the Michoacanos are so exceptionally hospitable, that everybody else seems rather “mamon”. Even the “infamous” Chilangos will treat me with greater affection than the average gringo ever would.

    As for the local Chinese, it was not a typo. The vast majority of Chinese in Mexico trace their roots to 4 rural counties in southern Guangdong. These people seem distrustful of Chinese from other regions of China. They integrate among themselves well, but would shun Chinese from other provinces.
    About Asian images & stereotypes in Mexico: we’re generally well-received, with Japanese & Koreans almost revered. Chinese less so. This is partly because in contrast to the US, Chinese immigrants (mostly peasants in origin, as mentioned above) in Mexico do not enjoy the reputation of academic excellence. Few 1st & 1.5th generation Chinese in Mexico ever go to college.
    Also in contrast to US, here in Mexico Asian men have the reputation of players & womanizers. So much so, you wouldn’t believe the ridiculous “warning” my ex-GF received from her family & friends.

    Anyways, about my personal experience. After living in the States for 15 years, I’ve just about had enough of the American media’s attempt at enforcing the racial hierarchy (conquer their women, vanquish their men) that was impacting me personally. My “compadre” (a Michoacano in NorCal who has since returned to Morelia) suggested me to go to Mexico, where he would set me up with his sister-in-law. Suffice to say things didn’t work out between us (issues from her previous marriage, incld. a derranged, potentially violent ex), but I was so enchanted with Mexican hospitality, that I decided to stay. I accepted a job as technical translator (Chinese industrial machinery op manuals) in Queretaro, which pays surprisingly well by Mexican standard.

    I met my second GF in a night club. Again, she was divorced, with two kids. Again, things didn’t work out when the expenses just started to mount. She viewed my presence as an opportunity to remedy the hardship her children had to endure ever since she divorced, and simply wanted to give them everything they were deprived of all these years. Perhaps I was selfish, but I simply couldn’t afford that relationship. So I walked away, and stopped seeing her, without an official break-up.

    My third GF was a young lady that I met at my friend’s b-day party. The attraction was purely physical (an appeal I never knew I had). It was mutual love (lust?) at first sight, followed by unbridled passion. Yet despite this almost “mindless” beginning, and the difference between us (I’m 14 years her senior; I went to UC Davis, whereas she barely finished junior high), we got along quite well. We even tried to have a baby before we were to get married.
    Then I screwed up royally. One of my major flaws is arrogance. Having grown used to the the Asian-American academic over-achiever stereotype, I often find the local Chinese embarassingly uncouth and ignorant. I would critcize them constantly in front of my GF, totally forgeting about her own limited academic background. Somehow, she felt the insults applied to her as well, that one day, she has just about had enough. She told me to find someone “worthy of my haughty ego”, and stopped answering my calls, or answer the door. Three weeks later, I was told she has moved to Mexico City. Then I realized finality of the loss, that she wasn’t coming back.

  22. aiyangxifu
    aiyangxifu March 6, 2012 at 6:05 pm | | Reply

    @Mayte

    我是好心办好事。我已经向吧主请求删贴,上帝保佑吧。
    Privacy no longer a social norm, says Facebook founder mark zuckerberg.

    Sorry

  23. aiyangxifu
    aiyangxifu March 6, 2012 at 9:47 pm | | Reply

    @Mayte

    好消息,帖子已被删除。

  24. Mayte
    Mayte March 7, 2012 at 3:28 am | | Reply

    @ aiyangxifu,

    I understood your note to be a request for permission so it made sense to have the idea that I had a choice. Finding it posted online without having answered made the request moot. I do thank you for taking my feelings into consideration and requesting the deletion.

    I also have my own quote. Especially considering I don’t agree with Zuckerberg’s. He’s not old enough to realize what he’s saying yet and he’s got to find a way to CYA. The people at Google (and the political activists and journalists who were hacked) will be the first ones to laugh at such a sad little statement. Consider this one instead…

    Civilization is the progress toward a society of privacy. The savage’s whole existence is public, ruled by the laws of his tribe. Civilization is the process of setting man free from men. –Ayn Rand

    Or this…

    Law-abiding citizens value privacy. Terrorists require invisibility. The two are not the same, and they should not be confused. –Richard Perle

  25. Mayte
    Mayte March 7, 2012 at 3:43 am | | Reply

    @ Henry

    My goodness! It sounds like you’ve had your share of experiences. I’m sad that they weren’t better for you. I think that it’s good that you got out and lived your life there. It can be harder for a woman to do that here. I think men have it easier that way. But you have lived and loved and learned from the experiences and hopefully, when you find your next love, things will be better for you. I will keep that in mind the next time I go to church.

    How long have you been in Mexico? And what happened that drew you away from Davis? I have family there and it seems nice enough. Were your relationships in California much different than those in Mexico? I’m filled with a million questions now. If it’s too much though, you don’t need to worry about answering. I’m very curious but I don’t mean to pry. Feel free to answer or if not, that’s fine also. Whatever the case may be, I think you should keep looking. There is a perfect match being guided to you too.

  26. Mayte
    Mayte March 7, 2012 at 3:52 am | | Reply

    Sorry about that Henry. I realize I dawdled at the end of that and restated things. I couldn’t seem to get the editing to work though.

    Keep looking and find your girl. I am looking forward to hearing that you’ve found your happy ending with someone who is a brilliant match for you.

  27. Henry Yeh
    Henry Yeh March 11, 2012 at 3:38 pm | | Reply

    @Mayte
    Thanks for your kind words. I’ve been living in Mexico for 1 1/2 year already. I want to make it abundantly clear that I’m NOT a player, as it was never my intention to end the relations before they started.
    Back in the states, I was the typical “asexual” Asian male. The American media has successfully enforced a strict racial hierarchy in that all non-Westerners are to be “conquered”, never to be the “conquerors”. I did have an Ecuadorian GF in UC Davis, until she returned to Ecuador to further her study. I also dated a bi-sexual, bi-racial girl in San Jose CA, but in the end she was too eccentric for me.

  28. Mayte
    Mayte March 12, 2012 at 7:01 am | | Reply

    @ Henry

    I admire you going out and living in a country that many others consider unworthy of respect. I think it’s a great place. It’s got potential should they ever get serious about tapping into it. If I don’t stay in China, I think D.F. would be my next spot.

    As far as being a “typical” asexual Asian male, I think that stereotype is slowly being broken. I think it’s sad that it ever started to be honest, but then we are talking about a culture that built its empire with a “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine” mentality. It extended to all facets of life and is hard to get rid of when you’re the culture in “power.” For the record, you don’t strike me as a typical anything, based on what I’ve read of your comments.

    I’m hopeful that you keep following your path and find someone worth devoting your time and attention to. If she’s worth it, she’ll take good care of you too. You don’t need to conquer. You just need someone to share your time with. Good luck and many blessings to you.

  29. Bruce
    Bruce March 12, 2012 at 2:15 pm | | Reply

    @Mayte,

    I agree with you. A woman who loves you never believes in sterotypes. She won’t believe in the asexual sterotype or any type . Asexual asian? Asians are producing like rabbits and we’re still asexual? come on wake up media! All my friends and me included want sex all the time with our wives. Of course, white media can make you believe that we’re asexual but we are not. surprise surprise!!

    @Henry, bisexual women are something else. I used to know one like that. Well, if you believe in commitment, bisexual is not right for you. If there is no commitment, that’s fine . A few of my friends dated spanish women or latinas before and it worked out for them fine. Very beautiful couples. very beautiful women.

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