Double Happiness: “He just never thought a Western girl could [love] him”

Marghini and Mr. B (photo courtesy of Marghini)
Marghini and Mr. B (photo courtesy of Marghini)

When Marghini wrote that her Chinese boyfriend “just never thought a Western girl could ever be interested in him,” it was as if she channeled my good buddy Xiao Yu from 2002. Back then, he offered a nearly identical explanation for the frustrating experiences I had with a number of Chinese men who drifted in and out of my life — and never responded to my subtle flirtations. (I would meet John only months later, who ended all of those frustrations for good!)

Marghini’s story speaks to a reality that, like it or not, exists not only in China but around the world. But it’s also inspiring to see how she and Mr. B still managed to fall in love in spite of it!

Do you have an inspiring story or guest post that you’d love to share on Speaking of China? Check out my submit a post page to learn how.

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The first thing I thought when I met Mr. B for the first time was that he looked very weird. I had arrived in Beijing only few days earlier and I quickly noticed how Chinese guys usually looked, behaved, dressed, and spoke English. Then I met this guy, who didn’t look, act, dress or speak they way the other Chinese boys did, yet sported a Chinese looking face.

Coming from a small Italian city, I was never really exposed to Asian Americans or simply to people with a very international upbringing. Therefore I just assumed that face and identity had to correspond. That is the reason why I was so confused at first; I couldn’t fit that funny looking guy into any of the categories I was used to. This confusion quickly turned into curiosity, which quickly became attraction. I was captured by the fact he looked so different from anyone else and my inability to decipher him just added to my attraction. His reserved personality, coupled with my inability to fully comprehend his American accented English, didn’t make it any easier for me to understand who this charming Chinese-non-Chinese was.

Time went by and slowly I got to know the guy better. I discovered why he looked so “mixed”, being born in Hong Kong but raised in Singapore, New Zealand and the US. My attraction grew bigger and bigger and I started thinking about how to show my interest to him. Being a hot-blooded Italian lady, I was used to being very direct and open about my feelings, but this time I found myself scratching my head. I didn’t know if I had to consider him Chinese or a Hong Konger or a New Zealander or an American, and I didn’t know if any of these identities would require a different approach from what I was used to. Groping in the dark, I decided I had to keep my Italian outgoing nature at bay. I bit my tongue and tried to approach the guy in a more delicate and indirect way — just few glances here and there, a couple of sweetish emails and a lot of eagerness to engage in conversations with him. Yet I felt so lost in translation! This soft strategy kept going for longer than a month and even though I sometimes felt like I spotted some sign of interest in me, nothing really meaningful happened. Then I tried to be a bit more direct, leaving a small present on his desk with a nice encouraging note, obtaining no reaction but a “thank you”.

I started considering the idea that maybe he was just not that into me. I tried to feign indifference, but in reality I felt incredibly sad and disappointed that the Chinese-non-Chinese boy didn’t share my same interest. At some point, I just stopped trying. I thought that my attempt to date out of the box just didn’t succeed and that maybe it was not my cup of tea. Maybe I had to stick to Italians as I always did.

I would have never ever guessed that Mr. B was actually very into me! He just never thought a Western girl could ever be interested in him, so therefore he just assumed he was misunderstanding my behavior. Funny enough, this handsome, smart, talented, kind and well-educated boy was convinced he was not attractive enough to date out of his race. His upbringing in New Zealand and the US, where he had to face some nasty jokes about his ethnicity, made him believe that Western girls would never even consider dating an Asian guy. He had been struggling for his whole life, feeling too Chinese in the Western world and too Westernized in China. He felt like he never really fit. Therefore, during the whole month I spent trying to communicate my interest, he was just trying to convince himself it was not possible that a girl like me was actually attracted to a Chinese boy.

Long story short, eventually Mr. B woke up and realized that he had to take a leap of faith. So he finally invited me out. We have been together ever since our first date.

Sometimes I still don’t understand whether he is more Chinese or New Zealand, or American. I would say that different sides of his personality reflect different cultures and identities, like a crystal prism projects different colors according to the edge. That is why I fell in love with him, and why I choose him everyday — because he is offbeat, different from anyone else and really unique.

Marghini is an Italian architect who accidentally stumbled into a life in Asia and has never been the same since. She currently lives in Hong Kong with her boyfriend while they figure out what’s next for them.

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46 thoughts on “Double Happiness: “He just never thought a Western girl could [love] him”

  • July 4, 2014 at 10:56 am
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    Cute!
    It reminds me of how I met my husband – we were both interested in each other and making steps, but neither of us thought the other one was actually into the other.

    One misunderstanding later, we were dating. And married.

    I love reading love stories like this~

    Reply
  • July 4, 2014 at 11:31 am
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    Ha, so your story is similar to Marghini’s! How interesting!

    Do Japanese guys also think Western women wouldn’t want to date them?

    Reply
  • July 4, 2014 at 9:54 pm
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    Interesting story! Buona fortuna e divertiti a HK!

    Reply
  • July 4, 2014 at 10:24 pm
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    I find it unsettling that most of your blog posts always contain stuff like “he thought:how can such a beautiful white lady be into a chinese guy?” or “he is a non stereotypical chinese man and therefore found a white gf”.
    For me, it reeks of white superiority complex issues.
    Why does a chinese man have to be non-stereotypical in order to “deserve” a white woman?
    No wonder many chinese men feel inferior when they read, how non-chinese they have to behave or look, in order to be considered boyfriend material by even average or below average white women.
    If you want a chinese guy to behave all americanized or westernized, why dont you find yourself a western guy?
    I am just pissed off, when almost every female on this blog brags about how non-stereotypical there asian significant other is.
    There are many positive traits of chinese men, that ABCs or Western guys dont have. Many women are in fact not attracted to those “cool americanized swag-bro badboys”, but prefer a mild and mature gentleman instead.
    btw, I am a white female.

    Reply
    • July 5, 2014 at 6:31 am
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      I think to give the benefit of the doubt,

      Chinese men usually don’t give a sh!t about White women superiority or inferiority complex. Men just care about boobs and butts.

      When it comes to White women, the common stereotype is “promiscuous”, “loose vag…”, “hollow skull with white skins” usually refer to Jersey _hore.

      So we can say, Asian men choose “non-stereotypical” white women in this case. Besides, “stereotypes” changes over time provided that it can’t hold true forever.

      “Inferior” is subjective. As for me, I feel “Superior” to all other races on this earth. That’s my pride. You can call me racist, or whatever, but I do feel immensely proud of being CHINESE.

      Reply
    • July 6, 2014 at 4:24 am
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      @Khaleesi
      An interesting point and I think one worth discussing. I do think for some of the women, or at least for myself, the point is not that my man is some westernized beefcake–the point is that the stereotypes about Asian men are generally b.s. It’s true that I am a rather average woman, as are many posters, but are our significant others any different? My husband is a fairly average Chinese guy. It’s not like I’m an old troll dating some hot 20-year-old just because I’m white. . . something I DO see plenty of when gender roles are reversed. And who’s at fault for that anyways? I say nobody, as long as both partners enter the relationship willingly.

      Reply
      • July 6, 2014 at 6:55 pm
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        Very interesting point; most of AMWF couples don’t have the same attractiveness gap that the counterparts have.

        Moreover, in order to be part of a mixed couple of any kind a certain dose of open-mindness and curiosity is a must. Indeed, when you are part of a mixed couple, you need to give up certain habits or traditions in order to create a sort of a blend between your culture and your partner’s. In my experience, those people that are extremely culturally characterized and traditional are not very open about giving up on any part of their own culture.

        Therefore I wonder; is it really a case if many of those Chinese men that are in a relationship with a foreign woman are not super duper traditional and stereotyped Chinese men? Maybe not.

        Reply
    • July 8, 2014 at 2:32 am
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      Thank you, thank you, thank you!
      I was also beginning to sense the trend you mention here. I know these WF posters and bloggers mean well and view themselves as being “on AM’s side,” but it is getting on my nerves when I see “my husband/BF is not a typical [Asian nationality] man” in their stories over and over again. If they found their Asian BF/husband an “exception,” they should question their own presumptions, instead of highlighting their SO’s supposed exceptionality. I am an AM (Japanese) married to a WF (American), but I don’t see myself being “exceptional” at all, other than being bilingual and, to a lesser extent, having an advanced degree from a US university–I am no more “Westernized” or “liberated” (whatever they mean!) than “average/typical” Japanese men I know.

      Reply
    • July 8, 2014 at 3:41 am
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      @ Khaleesi.

      You wrote:

      “No wonder many chinese men feel inferior when they read, how non-chinese they have to behave or look, in order to be considered boyfriend material by even average or below average white women.
      If you want a chinese guy to behave all americanized or westernized, why dont you find yourself a western guy.”

      How do you know that Chinese men feel inferior? Perhaps Westerners like yourself think that we Chinese feel inferior to Westerners. I can assure you that we Chinese do not feel inferior. We do not feel superior either. I have heard that many Westerners say that the Chinese feel inferior to the Westerners. Where did you get this thought? I believe that in the West children are raised to believe that their country is the best in the world and this teaching gives rise to feeling superior to others. For example, in the U.S. where I live, the children are taught that the USA is the best in the world. As another example, I have studied in history that Germans are taught that Germany is superior. This is perhaps why Westerners perceive Chinese as having thoughts of being inferior.

      Clear your mind of the misperceptions and stereotypes and enjoy the wonderful feeling of being in love with the man of your dreams regardless of whether he is Chinese, Japanese, etc.

      All the best.

      Reply
    • July 8, 2014 at 5:03 am
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      That’s correct ! A smart woman will pick a mild , mature, caring man over a badboy! Don’t buy into this bad boy image, people. These bad boys have a lot of issues in life.

      Reply
  • July 5, 2014 at 12:07 pm
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    Kind of reminded me a little of when I was with my Korean ex years and years ago. I often read too much into friendly behavior, and I recall when he and I were on our first date, the weather was cold and he placed my hand into his pocket, I thought it was a friend thing. I did mention to him that I found Asian men attractive, guess that broke the ice.

    Reply
  • July 5, 2014 at 1:16 pm
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    @Khaleesi has some valid things to say. On a personal level, I’m happy that things finally worked out for Marghini though. There is a lot going for not searching based on stereotypes – unfortunately, that is not the case in real life.

    Reply
    • July 6, 2014 at 6:37 pm
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      I think searching according to stereotypes is misleading at best, dangerous at worst.

      In my opinion a person should look for someone he/ she truly loves and appreciates, not for a race or a culture. I met plenty of westernized Chinese that were hideous arrogant douchebags, but my bf is an amazing man imho. If I looked for a soulmate according to racial and cultural stereotypes, I don’t think I would have given a chance to my him. I am so glad I didn’t think of those stupid stereotypes when I met him.

      Reply
  • July 6, 2014 at 6:14 am
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    R Zhao: Maybe I was a tad bit to harsh in my comment.
    But the point I wanted to make is, that there are also some positive stereotypes, which should not be dismissed. Especially since many of them also hold a grain of truth. Of course it depends on your personal opinion if you find these stereotypes to be positive or not.
    For example the notion, that asian guys tend to be nerdy or geeky. Some people think it is a shameful generalization, but i think being nerdy, academical inclined and intellectual is one of those points that attract me to chinese males. And this is a stereotype that i find to be true, especially since I am a university student from Germany, where most chinese men I happened to interact tend to be on the nerdy/intellectual side. I would not date a non nerdy guy, since I am quite nerdy myself(though not nerdy looking).
    Negative stereotypes that come to my mind, are asian guys being small and physically weak. Since my university is pretty international, I see many people from different countries everyday, and came to the conclusion, that small and weak looking guys can be found among every ethnicity. My boyfriend, who is a chinese man from Shanghai has a 1.85 m tall and slender physique. Being tall is a must for me, since I am just not attracted to small guys, regardless their origin.
    Another stereotype, like chinese men being unmanly(for carrying their gf`s purse), being gentle and non-confrontal are positive traits in my world.
    I would be pretty sad, if those nice and sweet chinese men all started to behave like testosterone stallions, just because many western women who maybe somewhat feel attracted asian men`s features, still can only accept a douchebag, because they want “challenge and excitement” in their daily lives.
    In Germany many german born asian guys tend to behave super-badass, misogynist and rude, because they always feel inferior in front of german women and think in order to outperform german guys and other ethnic men, they have to become the absolute contrast to those asian stereotypes.
    That`s also the reason I decided not to date any germanized asians. They often abandoned there own roots and are full of self hate. If I wanted to date someone germanized, I would date a german guy. Same package, but zero the issues.
    Sorry for my chaotic writing, I am somewhat tired 😛

    Reply
    • July 6, 2014 at 6:29 pm
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      Personally I think that judging according to stereotypes is quite dangerous. Just consider the definition of “stereotype” on the dictionary:

      “A widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing.”

      In any culture, I tend to consider stereotyped people not very interesting. I think it shows a lack of personality and ability to self-determine one’s identity. I probably wouldn’t date a stereotyped Italian, or American or Chinese. That is just because I like people who stand up for themselves and hold their views and beliefs as a result of a reflection rather than uniformity.

      I don’t think this blog wants to send the message that in order to date a Western girl Chinese boys must be westernized. Just think of Jocelyn’s husband; it comes across as pretty Chinese-Chinese to me. I believe this blog tries to convey the message that judging Chinese men as a whole according to some oversimplified ideas is reductive and misleading. Chinese men come in all the shapes, types, personalities and mindsets.

      Moreover, bear in mind that more traditional individuals from any country may not be willing to date outside their culture: I know some traditional Chinese guys who would never ever date a non – Chinese girl. Therefore both the parties of the couple must be quite openminded to even consider to date someone from another culture or race.

      In my particular case, of course my boyfriend is very westernized. I don’t see where in my post I stated that I wouldn’t date a “truly Chinese man” (whatever that can mean). I happened to fall in love with my bf because he is smart, kind, respectful, openminded, curious and handsome (but I frankly don’t think I am too ugly of a girl myself!). I appreciated these qualities in anyone, no matter what passport they hold or what cultural identity they subscribe to.

      If anything, I would advice you to beware of cutting out all al Asian – German guys from your dating material; that is a very broad generalization and you may end up excluding also those few guys that could be great boyfriend material.

      Sorry for the never-ending reply but I felt like I need to clarify few things! Thanks for commenting and keeping the discussion open and alive 😉

      Reply
      • July 7, 2014 at 2:48 am
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        what I meant about people always emphasizing how “non-stereotypical” their chinese bf is, I did not mean to defend malicious stereotypes. What I actually wanted to say is, that there might be a cute guy, but in some aspects he maybe fits the stereotype. Does it make him less attractive to me? Nope!
        I actually just tried to say, that it is not the first time, that on AMWF-Blogs, people tell asian guys, that in order to land a white women, they need to change their style (for example “dont wear glasses, it makes you look nerdy”), or to “man up” etc.
        I would not want a guy, who is not himself. Not all western women are looking for a yakuza-type or k-pop idol-boyfriend.
        They should be confident for who they ARE, even if it fits the stereotype in some way.
        Though it does not mean, that I see him as stereotype.
        A asian man, as every other man, should have the right to be himself-even if it fits some stereotypes. If therefore, some women dont like him, it is their loss.
        And regarding the germanized guys: I have a wonderful boyfriend from Shanghai, so thank god, I dont need to rely on them 🙂

        Reply
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  • July 7, 2014 at 9:25 am
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    @Khaleesi,

    I think my comment to your first post was not published. Anyway stereotypes in general tend to disappear over time unless they can hold true for certain periods of time.

    When it comes to stereotypes associated with Asian men, most of the stereotypes are in fact, generally good; family orientated, caring husband, nerdy, hard-working, extremely smart. Of course stereotypes are basically just a stereotype. We can’t categorize each and individual Asian men (or Chinese men in this situation) into one whole pile of stereotypes. But they have some grains of truth, otherwise they won’t come as a stereotype.

    Nonetheless, although those attributes call for better family establishment, and career planning, they don’t fall quite handsomely in romantic department. Those attributes come later in life while the certain portion of attributes need the immediate attention when you’re in 20-25 range of age. And those traits for Asian men are quite obviously unfavorable to Asian men in younger age when their opposite sex are not so much worried about how smart he is, how caring he is, how many differential equations he can do in calculus while churning out the history of Qin empire.

    Those stereotypes are in fact hammered down to Asian men physique — the manly body in general represents the most desirable trait among teenagers and younger twenties while life is so much enjoyable and shopping with a good-looking guy beside you at least give you an aura of “I am THAT kind of girl”. Stereotypes for Asian men in that department falls short of any expectation you might have come across. Of course, “Manly” do not equate to “Arnold Schwarzenegger” physique. But it should at least give you the sense of “He is THE MAN.” not a boy — a typical timid, shy Asian wallflower who hangs around while his friend scores the prom queen — hollywood force-fed scenic beauty that we all are quite aware of unless you’re from France.

    Based on those traits which meets the immediate requirement for teenage crush and latent requirement of family planning, Asian men usually lack the attributes in first phase while comes with full package in later phase. Of course, this again is stereotype. Drawing analysis on such a propounded idea, I venture to say some stereotypes will stay here while some will go as China ramps up its middle class. The first stereotype that will disappear will be the height. I myself stand 180 cm, which is one of the reasons why my gf said she noticed me in the first place.

    Reply
    • July 7, 2014 at 4:43 pm
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      Hi Rdm,

      I agree with your view. Many Asians tend to be more family oriented because of the education they receive at home, that focuses on the importance of the family rather than the individual. Asian societies are truly family based, while in the Western world more emphasis is given to self realization and individual identity.

      On top of that, I think many teenagers are actually less daring when it comes about dating. Young folks tend to be more homologated because of factors such as pressure from peers, social expectations and confusion about self identity. You can notice that in the way they dress, their desire of belonging into groups, and so on. For this reason, I think dating outside their culture or race is less common among teenagers compared to adults. It takes some self awareness and audacity at first to venture outside your comfort zone.

      Reply
  • July 7, 2014 at 12:09 pm
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    I loved the story! I think it’s a good example that even flirting and getting to know a potential loved one can be very different between cultures. Of course it can make things complicated when people can’t read each others signs of attraction. I’ve wondered many times too if certain behavior is considered as being friendly or being interested.

    In my case my husband is an extrovert and lacks no self-confidence which let us to become a couple and get married.

    Reply
    • July 7, 2014 at 4:17 pm
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      Hi Sara,

      you are right, it makes things much harder when people expect a completely different type of signals and are unable to read through the lines. Thankfully a deep attraction and affinity can manage to overcome all the problems and many others!

      Reply
  • July 7, 2014 at 2:43 pm
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    Hi Sara,

    I think you misunderstand. The reason that Mr. B was oblivious to the author’s romantic advances was because the idea that a Western woman could find him, an Asian man — which is commonly mocked and/or ignored in the mainstream Western culture for being undatable — attractive was just inconceivable. The author’s story is an example of the pernicious nature of the negative stereotypes of Asian men that are propagated in the West, not an example of how different cultural practices can cause misunderstandings in courtship. (The author can correct me if I’m wrong.)

    While I’m here, I also want to point out that people often talk about the negative stereotypes of Asian men in the West, but I think this may be too broad of a generalization. As far as I know, “the West” is really just the Anglophone countries (i.e. the US, Canada, the UK, Australia, and New Zealand). Countries such as Germany, Poland, or in our case here, Italy don’t really have a deep tradition of hostility against Asian men, and if they have a negative stereotype of Asian men it is a result of the Anglo-American cultural influence. (Again, the author can correct me if I’m wrong.)

    Reply
    • July 7, 2014 at 4:14 pm
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      Hi D – Maybe,

      thank you very much for taking time to comment about my story.

      I think our initial misunderstandings were due to a mix of his disbelief that a Western girl could love him and true cultural clash.

      On one side, he was a guy that blossomed and started dating rather late in life, therefore he didn’t have a lot of experience with ladies. This made him very insecure about his “flirting strategy”. On top of that, he actually has some of the traits that are considered stereotyped, such as introversion and shyness, which are not very helpful during the courting phase. And yes, he never had any experience with Western girls before, therefore he just assumed Western girls were out of the dating zone. Moreover, he spent a considerable amount of time in the US, where he told me most people really tend to date within their culture and race (Korean American with Korean American, ABC with ABC, latinos with latinos, and so on). I think that experience contributed to make him think that dating within his race was a better and easier choice.

      Beside his disbelief about a Western girl being interested in him, I think in our case there was also a good amount of cultural clash going on. He somehow tried to send some signal of interest, but as an Italian I was so used to way more direct expressions of interest that his shy little gestures just did not go through. Overtime I learned how to read his signals and he learned to be a bit bolder with his demonstrations of interest and love.

      To conclude this never – ending reply, I actually think in Italy people are quite hostile about Chinese. Most of the Chinese immigration we have there is very uneducated and poor and not integrated at all with the local population. This contributed to make Italians see Chinese people as quiet, hard-working, stinky, cheap and extremely insular. I believe this view will change during in the near future, when second or third generation Chinese will go to good schools and universities and will be fully integrated and educated.

      Reply
      • July 7, 2014 at 4:48 pm
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        @Marghini,

        Thanks for your response. Are the negative stereotypes of Asian men (not just Chinese men) widespread in Italy? For example, do Italian women think Asian men in general are nerdy, asexual, and effeminate and therefore think they’re undatable?

        Reply
        • July 7, 2014 at 5:15 pm
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          I would say they are quite widespread. A lot of people were flabbergasted-borderline- horrified when I said I was dating a Chinese. I think other ethnic groups are more negatively seen, such as Rumanians or Northern Africans, because they are believed to be aggressive and criminals by the most. Chinese are seen as quiet, which is positive, but also dirty, uneducated and servile. There is quite a lot of racism going on against non – Western people here.

          For most Italians, Asians and Chinese are the same thing, as we have quite a lot of Chinese immigration but virtually no Korean and Japanese. Therefore, a lot of Italians don’t really know anything about the latter groups.

          Reply
  • July 8, 2014 at 12:28 am
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    While not trying to underestimate how much alienation you could face when in another country or culture, I would say Asians are more sheltered in general. It is due to upbringing. Venturing out would be a good thing either through relationship or any other activities.
    There is no dating culture in Asia either. Most people are less prepared to “deal” with a western girl. I think the protocols are simply different. I know many Asian girls are very direct about their feelings.

    When you break the shells, you won’t go back. That goes both ways.

    Reply
  • July 8, 2014 at 3:13 am
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    Hi Marghini.

    As an ABC boy myself, I can readily identity to Mr. B’s belief that a Western woman will not date a Chinese man for many reasons including but not limited to Western media’s portrayal of the emasculated or asexual Asian male, Chinese being uneducated, poor and dirty, etc. You even said so yourself when you wrote that a “lot of people were flabbergasted-borderline- horrified when I said I was dating a Chinese.” This typical attitude is not uncommon in the Western world and this is what gave rise to the Western stereotypes of us Chinese.

    The Chinese, too, have perceived stereotypes of Western women as well such as not being faithful, too loose and wild, gaining weight too fast, arrogant, demanding, etc. I am certain that you do not fit this stereotype.

    Nevertheless, you and Mr. B both broke the stereotype by finding true love outside of your respective ethnicities and cultures. But you have to admit though that you are not dating a true Chinese man who was born, raised and lived in China all his life, unlike Jocelyn’s husband who is purely 100% Chinese in every sense of the word. You stated that Mr. B has significant exposure to the West as he lived in New Zealand and the U.S. If you divide AM/WW pairings into 2 categories (i.e., [1] pure Chinese man and Western woman and [2] Chinese man with significant Westernized traits and Western woman), you will find that there will more in the later category than the former. In a sense, you Ms. Marghini are not dating a pure Chinese man in category one unlike Jocelyn’s husband. You are dating a man who has Chinese facial features but has a mix of some Westernized traits and Chinese traits.

    Nevertheless, I praise you and Mr. B highly and wish you both well. You certainly have defied the stereotypes. Keep up the greatness.

    Fred

    Reply
    • July 8, 2014 at 6:01 am
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      Hi Fred!

      I agree with you, Mr. B is not a Chinese – Chinese boy, which at first was a source of confusion for me. He is a Third Culture Kid, a person who was raised in a different culture from his family’s. If you go check my blog, you will notice I try to write about intercultural relationships with a special focus on dating Third Culture Kids, as the phenomenon is relatively new but rapidly growing. Dating a TCK is different from just dating someone from a different culture, because you have to deal with different dynamics. For example, lack of sense of belonging, extremely ductile cultural identity (that sometimes switches according to the need or situation) and so on.

      I wrote this guest post especially because I wanted to offer a different perspective compared to the Western girls who date Chinese – Chinese. My piece focused on my struggle to identify Mr. B’s identity when I first met him, because that is when his lack of a defined cultural identity was harder for me to understand and deal with.

      Therefore yes, I agree with you, I am not dating a Chinese guy. I am dating a Third Culture Kid, with all the perks and problems it brings along. And I love it 😉

      Reply
  • July 10, 2014 at 1:33 am
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    Perceptions are based on other people’s experience with a particular group or ethnicity. In some Asian cultures, being rejected by a white woman is loosing face with his friends. It happened to a heir of a multimillionaire in Singapore. They set him up on a blind date with an expat white woman from Tennessee…she thought her date was an expat white..but when she found out that he was Singapore Chinese she created a scene and fled from the restaurant..there were several customers in that very expensive restaurant who knew his parents and knew him personally…he lost face. Now tell me whether an Asian guy in his twenties or thirties sitting in a restaurant will ask a white woman out and risk loosing face?

    Another incident involved a Singaporean Chinese man thirty years ago at a midwestern university. They tried to set him up with a moslem Malay because they “looked the same.” ie., belonged to the same race in the eyes of your southern or midwestern white American. He got it from both sides. The moslem woman’s family thought he was “misbehaving” with her and threatened to beat him up. The Americans threatened to beat him up because they thought he was gay and wont go out with her. Finally, he asked one of his tormentors, a white woman out, and she was also from Tenneesee..at first she did not believe him..later on she threw up because she thought a Chinese guy asking a white woman out was “unnatural” and was sick to the stomach, literally for a while. They did not call him a gay after that but threatened to beat him up for asking a “white girl” out on a date. After all we were only sixteen years removed from the Loving decision. Guess what the rest of the Asians and Asian American who witnessed this did…they did not ask any white woman out on a date. why? Not just loosing face, but they felt their life will be in danger if they did..all that they wanted to do was get an education and go home to California or back to East Asia…so perceptions are created by your own experience or someone else’s experience…so next time perhaps Marghini should ask her boyfriend about how he came to perceive that no white woman would date him.

    Reply
    • July 11, 2014 at 12:51 am
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      David.

      You wrote an interesting story. If the incident occurred in the Southern USA over 30 years ago, I will believe. But how likely will this happen in modern times where there is an ever increasin acceptance of interracial dating and marriages? I intend to visit some southern states in the near future with my white Brazilian wife and my mixed race children. I am wondering if it will be safe to go or not now since you recounted the horrific incidents above. I guess I will find out when I get there.
      Fred

      Reply
  • July 10, 2014 at 1:39 am
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    @Fred..

    “Chinese being uneducated” Really?

    If white Americans really buy into that argument, they are pretty ignorant. University PhD programs in engineering and sciences and even business and economics comprise nearly 30% Chinese or Chinese-Americans in top schools such as Berkeley and Purdue. It is even more skewed at MIT. If the Americans really think that we dont have common sense…and we need more skilled immigration, not less!

    Reply
    • July 11, 2014 at 12:39 am
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      @ David.
      I did not state that “Chinese being uneducated.” I was quoting Marghini’s statement as she said that the Italians in Italy perceive the Chinese as uneducated, poor and dirty.
      Fred

      Reply
  • July 10, 2014 at 1:43 am
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    “You even said so yourself when you wrote that a “lot of people were flabbergasted-borderline- horrified when I said I was dating a Chinese.””

    I have an Italian colleague who told me that she was initially disowned for marrying a Third Generation American (100% Italian ancestry) from Boston…to many Italians dating even other white people such as Swiss or Norwegian is a no-no although those attitudes may be breaking down.

    Reply
    • July 10, 2014 at 2:03 am
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      Exactly, Italians sometimes are way more conservative and racist than many people think. I blame it on the Vatican being so close and influential for so many years.

      Reply
      • July 11, 2014 at 12:47 am
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        @ Marghini.

        “Italians sometimes are way more conservative and racist than many people think.”

        What? I cannot believe this statement! Amongst the Italian descendants that I know in the U.S., they did not display any signs of racism or prejudice. I thought that Italians are very friendly, open and loving to all races. Your statement certainly shocked me. I guess there is a difference between the Italians in Italy versus Italian descendants in the U.S.

        Did you face any resistance from your side of the family for having an intimate relationship with a Chinese man?

        Fred

        Reply
  • July 11, 2014 at 9:34 pm
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    “I guess there is a difference between the Italians in Italy versus Italian descendants in the U.S.”

    Mostly true. But, I know one prominent virulent Italian American racist who thinks he is WASP (yes I know him, not just know of him)…he ran for the Governor of Colorado and lost and represented what was then one of the most anti-Asian congressional districts in the country…Colorado Sixth District the home of the notorious Columbine massacre…his name is Tom Tancredo…of Sicilian origin…needless to say he does not like actual Italians. The other is of course Rick Santorum who may run for President…not really as racist as Tancredo but has a slight stink of racism when he talks…

    http://www.splcenter.org/blog/2012/06/19/former-congressman-tancredo-to-address-white-supremacists/

    His supporters despise Asian-white relationships whether AWWM or WWAM. In fact, the sixth district of Colorado is full of transplants from Orange County running away from Asians.

    Reply
  • July 26, 2014 at 10:15 pm
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    @David

    David I really need an honest explanation from you.

    Are you REALLY PRETENDING to be an Asian Male when in reality YOU ARE NOT?

    You seem to disappear from various other postings on this forum. Only when the issue involves AMWF dating and prejudice do you seem to hop out of nowhere and rant about how bad things are.

    Cry me a river but for GOODNESS SAKE stop spoiling it for the genuine AMWF couples who are dedicated and in it for the long haul….

    @Jocelyn
    David might be a troll. Be careful. I would suggest moderating his comments altogether.
    (He just appears to have a negative tone and vibe in his posts)

    Reply
    • July 30, 2014 at 1:48 am
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      @ Kevin.

      Yes, I am in agreement that David seems to continuously spew doom and gloom about how Asian males face discrimination at every corner while the white male has unprecedented successes at picking up Asian women. I am therefore suspicious, too, that David may be a Caucasian male stating negative comments about Asians while lauding the successes of the great white male. Perhpas it is time to moderate his comments. Just a suggestion.

      Fred

      Reply
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