Why limit yourself? Logan Lo shares his interracial dating story

(photo by kevin dooley via Flickr.com)

Logan Lo wrote, “Life limits you enough, why do it to yourself?” That’s true in many things, including the dating scene he writes about today in his guest post. An Asian-American blogger in New York City who authored the book The Men Made of Stone, Logan stepped outside of his own comfort zone in interracial dating — and eventually met his Irish/Italian-American wife.

Thanks so much to Logan for sharing his story!

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When America was young, the last place you’d expect to be the preeminent United States city was New York. After all, it was solidly occupied by the British for the entirety of the war. It should have been Boston, Philadelphia, or even Charleston.

But a great fire happened in 1776, which burned much of Manhattan; so much so that the Commissioner’s Plan of 1811 allowed them to re-map city streets into the current, orderly, grid-pattern. Immigrants – like my parents – who then came to America found that they could navigate the streets, even if they couldn’t speak the language well.

We all have these fires in our lives, don’t we? And we face that choice to let it leave us broken, unchanged, or better.

Essentially, all of your life’s problems can be divided up into three categories: Health, wealth, and relationships. When I was 33, all three of these things took a massive hit. It was my great fire, if you will.

As I tried to right myself, took it as an opportunity to not just get my life back to where it once was, but to make it better.

Health and wealth each probably deserves their own entries so let’s just talk about relationships.

On that front, I realized that, like most people, I just kind of ended up with the people I dated. They were always women that were just hanging around with people I hung around with and we just gravitated towards each other. At 33 years of age, I never walked up to a total stranger and said, “Hi, what’s your name?”

So that’s exactly what I did for few years.

Along the way, in addition to meeting and finding out about all of these really interesting people, I found out more about myself.

For example, I learned that there are a lot of 22-year-old women out there in the party scene. Unfortunately, I also learned that 22 year olds and 34 year olds generally do not have a lot in common.

Something I found out about myself was that I liked girls with colored eyes.

It’s just a thing. Everyone has a thing.

But this particular thing meant that I – as an Asian-American – was often asking out people that weren’t Asian. And I heard something so often that I had a pat answer for it:

Her: You’re the first Asian guy I’ve ever been attracted to.
Me: Ah, you’re missing out. We’re lovely. Plus, wait until you meet the really good looking ones.

Which brings me to the point of this post and the most important thing I learned about myself during those dating years: Life limits you enough, why do it to yourself?

Let me be honest and tell you that the first year or so of me talking to complete strangers was absolutely terrifying. I’d never done anything like that before. I always had one reason or another to do it because it was outside my comfort zone.

After all, things outside your comfort zone are, by definition, uncomfortable.

And when you’re not comfortable, you either stop what you’re doing or stop making excuses and deal with the discomfort. I decided to do the latter.

I cannot tell you the number of times where I’m out with friends and one of them shot themselves down before someone else could.

Him: Let’s get outta here.
Me: Why?
Him: There’re four or five guys to every girl here.
Me: Come on, we’re having a good time. (laughing) Besides, there’re four or five regular guys to every girl here. There’s only one set of you and me. These, my friend, are great odds.

Along the way, I met a beautiful girl who has become my favorite person in the world. She has green eyes, an easy laugh, and a surprising tolerance for all my little idiosyncrasies.

And I was the only non-white person my wife ever dated. And this was true with almost all of the women I dated.

The thing is, I wouldn’t be happily married to my favorite person in the world, nor have met all these people, if I let kept shooting myself down before someone else had the chance to do so.

Do you know the story of the four-minute mile?

Essentially, for thousands of years, it was thought that it was impossible that someone could run a mile in less than four minutes. But in 1954, a fella named Roger Bannister ran it in 3:59.4 minutes.

Since 1954, so many people have broken the “four-minute barrier” that’s it’s gone from an impossibility to “the standard of all male professional middle distance runners.”

Even more interesting is the fact that Bannister did it while he was a full-time medical student! The world limited him enough and he chose not to do it to himself.

So then, I end this entry with a conversation I had dozens of times while I was out and about.

Me: So what’s your story morning glory?
Her: (rolling eyes) Does that line really work?
Me: You’re talking to me aren’t you?
Her: (laughs)

Life limits you enough. Why do it to yourself?

Logan Lo is a native New Yorker who’s been blogging since 2006. In between practicing law by day and teaching Filipino fencing by night, he’s managed to get married and write a popular article on online dating titled “eHarmony vs. Match,” as well as a book on Asian gangs titled The Men Made of Stone. He currently lives in Manhattan with his wife and his plant, Harold.

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We’re looking for a few good stories from Chinese men and Western women in love — or out of love — to share on Fridays. Submit your original story or a published blog post today.

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12 thoughts on “Why limit yourself? Logan Lo shares his interracial dating story

  • September 27, 2013 at 2:46 am
    Permalink

    Thanks for sharing Logan. 🙂 I think even though I am not an asian guy and don’t particular mind good old brown eyes, the advice of going out of your comfort zone and giving yourself a chance, is one you could apply in every day life. Wise words.

    Reply
    • September 27, 2013 at 1:33 pm
      Permalink

      No problem! I think it was a good lesson for me to learn and apply to all areas of my life. After all, who hasn’t had unpleasant things happen to them in life? I didn’t want these things to hurt me any more than they already did.

      Thanks for reading and the comment!

      Reply
  • September 27, 2013 at 10:53 am
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    This is kind of person you should have as friend. Postive attitude and enfluence will help you overcome obstacle in life.

    Whinning people introduce negative energy into your life and shorten your life expectancy.

    Sorry, you have to cut losers off your life.

    Reply
  • September 27, 2013 at 11:09 am
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    BTW, I have similar taste like Lo. Almost all my dates have either blue, green, or silver eyes.

    But light blue eyes girls often have a lot of neuroticism. Just personal experience.

    Reply
    • September 27, 2013 at 1:46 pm
      Permalink

      It’s good when you’re on the “keep” column in people’s lives. =)

      I think that often times, people are just not well-suited to each other. I have a cousin that just loves sports. He’s a fine fella but I’m not a sports guy and he’s not a fencing guy. So we’re cordial but not close. That’s just how it is and I think it wouldn’t make either of us happy for it to be more.

      As for the girls with colored eyes, I’ve found they run the full range of personalities, but that may be just me.

      Thanks for the comment!

      Reply
  • September 27, 2013 at 10:18 pm
    Permalink

    Good job at being positive. In my experience though, things happen when you least expect them or when you least look forward to them, or when you give up on them. I’m not saying I’m right, but it has been that way in my experience at least.

    Reply
  • September 29, 2013 at 8:44 pm
    Permalink

    Thanks for sharing the story and giving the great advise for all of us, especially for but not limited to shy Asian men.
    I had a meeting with a supper smart Asian guy who could not even look me in the eyes when talking to me ! His idea about his comfort zone was to do a great job on projects without interacting with other people. Good luck for being used, being stepped upon and never getting a promotion. Good luck for finding the girl you like ! Through him, I can clearly see myself in middle school.
    After being forced to go to many parties full of none Asian strangers, and experiencing awkwardness and disappointment, and finally discovering that people are people, girls are girls, I no longer limit myself in self created cage and start to reach out to other people. And wow, what a new world! it is really fascinating to listen to other people’s stories, experiences, and feelings. Something you may never know if you stay in your comfort zone.

    Reply
    • October 2, 2013 at 2:12 pm
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      I think you hit the nail on the head when you used the word “cage” – because that’s really what it is, isn’t it? When a person has all of these self-limiting thoughts, they’re in their own private prison and they usually don’t even know it.

      Reply
  • September 29, 2013 at 8:50 pm
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    “But light blue eyes girls often have a lot of neuroticism.”

    No. No more than Asian girls.

    Reply
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