Guest Post: “Chun Was Someone I Never Thought I Would Meet”

Unless you’re like my husband (who lucked out and ended up marrying his one and only girlfriend), chances are you’ve had your share of relationships or crushes that didn’t work out — perhaps even ones you might regret. I know I have.

Which is why, when Holly of From My World To Your World decided to share the tale of what happened between her and Chun, I was nodding my head the entire time I read it…and thinking of that one guy I never should have fell for, but did.

Do you have a story about love gone wrong or other guest post you’d like to see featured here on Speaking of China? Check out the submit a post page to learn how to get your work published on this blog.
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(Photo via http://ent.cnwest.com)
(Photo via http://ent.cnwest.com)

It is really hard for me to write about this only because this is something that happened recently with someone I thought was going to be a big part of my life. But, he stopped contact with me. A small part of me wanted to know why he decided to stop talking and the other part just doesn’t care anymore. For this, it’s almost a long story, which goes back last year.

I’ll start in the beginning on how we met.

Chun was someone I never thought I would meet. I always believed people were destined to meet and I thought this was the right moment. But once again, I was wrong. Last year we met at a time in my life when I still was a very emotional person and still searching for a relationship. I really thought everything was perfect when I met him.

Late September, last year

It was a good Monday evening when I was asked by a friend if I wanted to go eat dinner. Let’s call her Ying. So when I arrived to the restaurant, Ying introduced me to the other two guys that were sitting and eating dinner with us. The three of them are Chinese and were speaking Chinese. I could understand as much as I could at the time. But, there was something about Chun that I was attracted to. He was tall, had a broad chest, black hair, funny, and just kind of my type… a bad boy. And I was really physically attracted to him.

Chun was the type of guy who didn’t finish high school. He dropped out of school and never even bothered getting his GED. He and his parents worked at a Chinese buffet or restaurant somewhere in my city.

After dinner, Chun said he almost forgot it was his birthday the next day. So we decided to all go for hookah that night. On the way there, Ying and I were in her car. I asked her if he was single. She said she thinks he might be. That night I got to know him a little bit more, still very much curious about this guy.

The following day he wanted to go bowling, but no one wanted to go. At the last minute I decided to go. He picked me up at my house since at this time, I didn’t know how to drive. When we were bowling, we had this deep discussion about life, love, happiness and more. There were some things I told him that I thought I wouldn’t tell anyone. We talked about the tattoos on his body, the scars he received on his arm, why school wasn’t for him. I was nothing but comfortable with him since meeting him even though he had this bad boy mentality.

October, last year

Just that coming weekend, it was my birthday. In fact it was my twenty-first birthday. The day after, on Saturday, he took me out downtown to a bar and bought me a few drinks. I had gotten a little drunk, but I remember most of that night. I remember dancing with him and then him telling me he doesn’t like to dance. I remember gulping down three or four glasses of water before walking downtown and then discussing a potential relationship.

I told him I was starting to fall for him a bit and that I liked him. He replied that he liked me too, but wanted to get to know me more before pursuing a relationship with me. At the time, I thought this was the right moment to tell him my deepest secret: being autistic. When I told him, his arm was still around me, holding me as we walked. He said to me, “Don’t worry, everyone is different.”

After he dropped me off home late that night, I had liquid courage. I reached up and kissed him. It wasn’t a deep kiss. Mostly it was light kissing. I said bye to him and parted ways.

Who would’ve thought that after that night that everything would go downhill?

A few days later I met with Ying and told her what happened. She told me she talked to him and asked if we had fun that night. His excuse was, “I don’t remember much.”

My heart sank. Was this really true? Did he not remember? How could he not? He barely drank that night, or at least I thought.

The week after my birthday, I invited a lot of my friends out since I had to work on my twenty-first. I invited him out as well. He came a little later and immediately headed to the bar. I went up to him and asked him if he remembered what happened. He said he didn’t remember at all. This made me angry. Just after he had a few drinks, he suggested we all go to a different bar. We agreed to try to bar hop some. I still was upset with him and slowly that night I became devastated. How could he be so cold and barely talk to me that night?

After my party I tried to message him a few times, but he wouldn’t reply as much.

Every time I saw Ying, I felt so bad because all I would do is talk about him.

November came and I saw continued sadness in my life, I was so upset that he wasn’t replying when I tried to contact him. December came quicker than I expected. This was when I decided to call him and ask why he stopped talking to me. But, I was going to have to wait until after finals.

When finals were done, I decided that it was time to call him.

No answer.

I left a voicemail, even though I knew he wouldn’t listen. After this voicemail, I messaged him on WeChat. I said to him, “I called because I wanted to ask you something. But I guess it is pointless now. I tried hard enough. And you haven’t bothered replying. I don’t know what’s going on in your life right now, but you’re ignoring me for some reason…it hurts me. It’s been a long time since we last talked.”

Finally after a few months of no responses, I got a reply. He told me that he didn’t want to talk to anyone because he was planning on moving to a different State. I decided that this was it, which I didn’t care anymore…or at least I thought. Deep down I still cared.

The next day while driving with Ying to go downtown to bar hop, we were talking about something and brought up Chun. This was when she told me something I never knew.

She said to me, “He’s so stupid, I didn’t tell you this because I didn’t want to make things worse. But I wanted to tell you that he had this girlfriend.”

I looked at her, so confused, “What do you mean?”

She replied, “This girl, I know her, she is kind of crazy, She’s a Chinese girl. She doesn’t really care much about anything. They were on and off dating, just kind of like friends with benefits, but whatever.”

I wondered if this is what stopped him from talking to me?

“When did he meet this girl? Was it around the same time I met him?”

“Yeah, I believe so, but they were just friends before it happened. Sorry I didn’t tell you before.”

I stopped for a moment, letting this sink in. It made sense…another girl was in his life so that’s why he probably stopped talking to me.

I told Ying I was grateful and smiled, realizing that Chun was not supposed to be in my life…or so I thought.

About 7 months later, late July, this year

Out of the blue, I received a message from him on WeChat. I never bothered to really remove him from my life anyway so I decided to just keep him on social media. Just a few months before I saw that he was back in my city for the summer. Chun asked me what’s up. I told him that I was going to the mall. He said that he could meet me there. This was strange since I barely talked to him since December. And I was wondering if I was prepared to meet with him.

I told him what time I would be there and he met me. The entire time I barely wanted to look at him, still remembering about what happened in the past. My main destination was Victoria’s Secret. He followed me into that store. The entire time I felt like I was teasing him. We got into a small argument what my actual bra size is. I told him teasingly, “Why? Do you want to see me in these bras then?”

His response, “Yes, I actually do.”

Throughout that day at the mall and spending time with him, I never thought I would get some closure. He offered to drive me home. On the way I was talking about how we first met. I unexpectedly got an answer I was looking for.

“How come you don’t remember that time we went bowling?”

“Well, to be honest, I was high a lot. I was smoking weed before I saw you or anyone else. That, or drunk. Or both.”

I was a little relieved in some way. Because telling him I was autistic was one of my biggest worries and I was so scared that this is what made him stop talking to me.

“I also heard you were with this girl too?”

“Yeah, that’s true as well, but she was crazy. And she lied to me. I felt badly about it later. But I took her virginity. She never told me before. I thought she wasn’t a virgin and was angry she didn’t tell me.”

I really didn’t care about that. I just finally was able to know some of the truth.

“You really upset me at the time. I hate to blame, but a part of the reason I am like this is because of you.”

I think these words did make him see that he truly screwed up. And I luckily got an apology.

When we sat in the driveway for a few moments, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else with him. I agreed and then we were off to play mini-golf and ride go-karts. Next thing I knew, it was around nine at night.

“It’s getting late and I’m kind of hungry.”

“What do you want to eat?” he asked.

“Uhm, I’m not sure, I’m not picky.”

Chun decided that we could just go to the grocery store and then cook back at his place. I said sure. But, I didn’t realize his place was farther from mine, about a twenty minute drive or so. When we got to his place, he told me his situation. Chun was living in the living room since there were only two bedrooms and his parents have a friend staying with them. So his parents and little brother occupied one room while their friend had the other. I told him not to worry. Ten minutes later, his family arrived. His parents mainly ignored him the entire time I was there.

Time was going by slow and it was already ten-thirty at night when we started to eat dinner. He suggested that I just stay the night. I asked if that was okay with his parents and he said they didn’t care.

So I spent the night. And things happened.

At the time I was so happy. Everything was perfect. We talked a lot that night. I told him that I am happy how things worked out this way. Mentioning of course that I don’t want a relationship at all.

He said he was happy too and that he wanted me in the same way I wanted him. We talked almost that entire night. About how he was in trouble with the law and how his parents didn’t recognize him as their son now because he said he has disappointed them. Part of me was feeling really bad for him.

But after that night I didn’t see him for a while. He got busy with work and so did I.

A few weeks after seeing him, I managed to convince him to come over. However, he messaged me and told me not to think anything of us and that we are just paoyou (炮友), or friends with benefits. Why would you send that when we already defined the relationship between us two? I snuck him into my house that night, but my brother came home to sleep that night. My older brother was barely home at this time as well. So, overall the mood was ruined.

This was when I asked him quietly, “Why did you have to remind me that we’re just paoyou?”

Chun wasn’t happy I brought it up, “Because I wanted to remind you.”

“No, seriously, please tell me why.”

He paused for a few seconds, totally not expecting this response.

“I feel like I’m not good enough for you.”

I looked at him, “Why do you think this?”

“When I see you, I see myself. I see how I used to be and I how much I changed. You deserve better. Now, enough of that. But promise me something.”

“Hmm?” I inquired.

“If I disappear from your life again, don’t get sad.”

Still a little confused, “Why do you say that? I already had you gone from my life once, I’m sure I can get through it again.”

I snuck him back out after this big conversation of ours. That last kiss, that last hug…I never thought it would’ve been the last of it all.

Early September, this year

School started for me and I was really happy to be back at school. One day after I was finished with classes for the week, I texted him. The message wasn’t sending on WeChat and it was saying I had to add him as a friend. Confused, I looked him up on Facebook. Chun also removed me from there as well.

I was furious. So I messaged him on Facebook telling him, “We’re better than this. I don’t know what’s going on but it would be nice for you to talk to me instead of just removing me from your life. Please call me when you get the chance.”

No phone call.

No response.

No text messages.

Silence.

I talked to Ying just a few weeks after it happened. She told me that one of her friends went to hang with him and they got stuck on the highway. This friend of hers said that Chun was agitated because this one girl wouldn’t stop talking to him. And also that he didn’t really want to talk with her a lot and it was becoming annoying.

Immediately I knew that was me. I wasn’t really talking to him every day, I made sure of it. But, when I heard all this, I sighed some relief.

I began to not care about this situation because this wasn’t my problem. Deep down I knew that this was possibly going to happen again. I knew that he was going to stop contact with me again.

Somedays I have some regrets about letting him back into my life. I wish I had been wiser about things. But we learn from our mistakes and learn to accept them. This is just another life lesson that was learned the hard way. I’ve accepted what happened and even though I want to regret, I cannot. This situation shaped me into who I am today and helped make me stronger.

Holly resides in Michigan, where she writes about her novel, Destiny Across a Thousand Miles, and her life at http://frommyworldtoyourworld.wordpress.com.
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21 thoughts on “Guest Post: “Chun Was Someone I Never Thought I Would Meet”

  • November 6, 2015 at 7:28 am
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    Hey Holly,
    Unfortunately from personal experience, we will never get answers that we seek 🙁 I’ve had tons of guys disappear on me, and none of them ever told me why they did it. To this day, their disappearances remain a mystery to me. Keep strong though and good luck with things.

    Reply
    • November 7, 2015 at 4:09 am
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      Hi Svetlana,

      I am still here patiently waiting for your long overdue story of how you and your Korean lover ended. You are so funny when you said that tons of guys disappeared from you life without explanation.

      Reply
    • November 16, 2015 at 12:07 pm
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      Svetlana,

      I’ve come to a decision that most guys are hard to communicate with…and it’s not our fault. They just want to disappear and want to remove themselves so they can be emotionally detached. Chun was one of these guys. He was only thinking of himself.

      Reply
  • November 6, 2015 at 1:45 pm
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    I was nodding along the whole time, too. I think most of us have a Chun or two in our past; a lot of women run into this type of guy early in their dating lives. It sure teaches you about red flags, though. On that note, I’ve learned from experience that a guy who has nothing but bad things to say about his past girlfriends (especially “crazy”) is one to watch out for!

    Reply
    • November 16, 2015 at 12:13 pm
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      Jen,
      There were a lot of red flags, but I was blind. I was blind because I wanted him romantically at first…and then realized it’s only physical. (and let me tell you, I didn’t enjoy my time with him. 😛 HAHA.)
      He was so full of himself. I talked to a coworker today…and her and I agreed that men who act arrogant or drive nice cars/big cars…do this to make up for…uhm…size. (no offense to any guy who sees this, but I can’t stop thinking how this pertains to a majority of men I’ve encountered.)

      Reply
  • November 6, 2015 at 8:31 pm
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    Hey Holly,
    I just want to say that it’s good for you to leave this kind of man because he doesn’t deserve a nice girl like you. He’s the kind of guy who only sees a girl as a tool to fulfill his desire for lust. I’m sure you are able to find a good guy that appreciates you in future. Stay strong!

    Reply
    • November 16, 2015 at 12:20 pm
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      Shawn,
      Thanks for your kind words. My problem at the time was…I was using him too, or so I thought. He is a lesson I learned the hard way. Even these days I think about why this happened to me again. It’s hard to love again if I end up falling for someone else.

      Reply
  • November 7, 2015 at 12:54 am
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    Well, classic paoyou (炮友), or friends with benefits. What do you expect?

    The same applies to bad girls. Good for 炮友, bad for wife. I have plenty of share of that. You just know you can take some people seriously at start.

    Just have fun and move on.

    Reply
  • November 7, 2015 at 1:24 am
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    Correction: You just know you can not take some people seriously at start.

    Not too long ago, I just had one of this relationship for about a year. The very last word she said:” let us meet tomorrow evening”. Total silence then. I never felt heart broken or sad since I knew from very start that I could not take this relationship seriously.

    Reply
    • November 16, 2015 at 12:23 pm
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      IC,

      Sorry to hear of your failed relationship. Communication is mostly important and if people don’t understand that, then they’re not worth the time or trouble.

      Chun’s relationship with me was a classic pao you relationship. But it still hurts that he cut me off unexpectedly.

      Reply
  • November 8, 2015 at 9:00 am
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    I guess all these events took place in Michigan. Hopefully he was not looking for a partner in crime…to me it looks like he sized you up and decided it was not worth the trouble. Last time I read about a Chinese guy who dropped out of school, got into trouble with the law was an Aussie national. His parents were disappointed and ignored him..he moved on to higher calling. He became a kingpin. Ran drugs into Indonesia and was arrested and sentenced to death. The death sentence was carried out on April 29, 2015. His name was Andrew Chan…

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrew_Chan

    Reply
    • November 16, 2015 at 12:32 pm
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      David,
      Pardon me for one moment but I found your comment amusing even though it is on a serious topic. (I blame my inappropriateness sometimes.)

      Chun was a dead-end guy. He was working in a Chinese buffet with his family…which I hear the buffet isn’t even good. He did marijuana multiple times and got caught once, is on probation for 6 months+
      I was trying to be nice to him by offering my friendship since he couldn’t smoke weed. But for him I was just a quick lay and his absence from my life is actually better than him being in it.

      At this point I really don’t care if he wants to get more into trouble. I cared once and if you’re gonna break my heart expect coldness from me.

      Reply
    • May 27, 2017 at 7:47 pm
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      @David

      You knew alot about Australia? Andrew Chan was arrest with 8 other people, some are Caucasian and a black guy. They are called bali nine. But only him and the black guy (Myuran Sukumaran) was executed.

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bali_Nine

      Reply
  • November 10, 2015 at 1:17 am
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    @ Holly.

    You wrote that you “just kind of my type…..bad boy.”

    There is an old saying: “if you look for trouble, you will find it.” It is so true in this case. He even admitted to drinking and doing drugs. Since you were looking for the bad boy, many would say that you deserved this type of treatment from a bad boy. You seemed to be a nice girl looking for some attention and love. I recommend that you look for the good boy this time.

    All the best.

    Fred

    Reply
    • November 16, 2015 at 12:37 pm
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      Fred,
      I like bad boys only for adventure and also hoping that I can influence them positively. First off, I’m in school full time, and work 20-25 hours a week. I’m wanting to get out of Michigan and hopefully work for the UN someday. I just hope I can inspire bad-boys to do good.
      This other guy I was involved with(he’s Vietnamese-American), was dead-beat as well, working full time at a vitamin shoppe…and distributes marijuana for someone. He’s actually pissing me off and that’s a different story.

      I’m starting to realize I need to focus on myself and not date, nor have any more pao you.

      Reply
  • November 10, 2015 at 5:49 am
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    @Fred

    I really think he was sort of interviewing her for some criminal activities, whether to get her to traffic drugs or just traffic her (yes, sexual slavery). She did not fit the profile, so he dropped her. Read Andrew Chan’s story.

    Reply
  • November 16, 2015 at 12:41 pm
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    Thanks everyone for your comments. Life is good without Chun. I got over this entire thing quickly, but I still think of memories that were good at one point. Nostalgia is a great and terrible thing sometimes.

    Reply
  • November 16, 2015 at 9:48 pm
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    Holly:

    I work for an UN affiliated organization which I shall not name. To be blunt, affiliating with bad boys will not help one bit.

    Reply
    • November 16, 2015 at 10:11 pm
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      David,

      I know if I get in trouble with the law it will ruin my future career.

      I’m staying away from bad boys now. Not worth my time and not worth ruining my future.

      Reply
  • October 23, 2016 at 8:13 am
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    Holly, sorry I’ve just seen your comments about looking for bad boys to try to influence them to be good.

    Please don’t fall into this painful, awful trap.

    I felt the same way when I met my ex boyfriend… I wasn’t LOOKING for a bad boy, but he had a questionable history that intrigued me. I wanted to get to know him more and did get to know him more.. We ended up falling in love. He was great in many respects; a loyal and loving man. We were together for 6 years.

    He was Asian, and I found him super attractive. But he had this big bad boy appearance, tattoos, history with gangs, etc. He was an alcholic AND drug user.. Although his drug use was not consistent and no where near as bad as most drug users and he never injected or sold drugs, and he never had long periods of use – they were short bursts and he would stop for significant periods of time. Looking back, it was a recipe for disaster – but I was young, naive and in love.

    He was also in love with me. He is one of those special guys who aspires to being with only “the one”. He thinks the idea of casually sleeping with a woman is foul. He was absolutely loyal to me. He was also very romantic. I found these qualities to be extremely attractive as most white Australian guys I know view the number of women one has slept with as bragging rights – unfortunately our culture teaches boys this. And for me, I also only want to find “the one” – I would never, ever, ever physically give myself to someone who I don’t want to be with in the long run (yes I wanted to marry him when he stops drinking, but I was too idealistic – obviously he didn’t stop drinking. The drinking was actually worse than the drug use).

    I loved him so much and he loved me so much. I hoped that he would love me enough to change. He loved me, but apparently not enough to change.

    Evidently he didn’t and we went through a rollercoaster of joy and pain together.

    Honestly I was a very good, loyal, caring, and loving girlfriend to him. I did so much for him and his family loved me, and I loved them. They would always refer to me as his wife and treated me like a beloved daughter in law.

    When it came to moving out, it was one of the hardest times of my life. We rented a place togehter and he kept losing his job. It was so stressful. He would sleep all day while I’d work, then come home and have to clean up after him. We couldn’t save any money at all because he would consistently throw it away on drugs and impulse buys… even my hard earned money. I cared too much – if he needed money for his interlock to be able to drive to work (it costs $120 a month to be serviced) I would hand it over because I would be in that difficult position where if I didn’t, he wouldn’t be able to work, because he already spent all his own money.

    He was so irresponsible. And to make matters worse, although he’d had years of on/off heroin use, he started smoking ice about a year or two after we got togehter. That was by far the worst thing to happen, and things have never been the same. It wasn’t consistent use, but every time it happened it was like a nightmare… he would completely change, act like a maniac. And he started getitng into all these conspiracy theories which was positively frightening. I think it may have had a permanent impact on his brain, too.

    I finally broke up with him this year and I’m not looking back. I realised that I am a loving, dedicated, loyal, and caring girlfriend AND I DESERVE SOMEONE WHO IS GOING TO SHOW ME AS MUCH LOVE AND CARE AS I SHOW THEM. His consistent poor choices were seriously impacting my life.

    He still wants me back and tries and tries and tries. I told him very clearly why I’m breaking up with him. And finally, he has decided to seek help for drinking. He hasn’t been drinking or using drugs for at least a month and he’s been working out. But it’s too late. If he had’ve decided to seek help earlier on, I would have stayed and helped him. But it’s too late, I want to move on and find someone responsible.

    Addiction is a horrible cycle and relapse is inevitable. Although he’s been sober for a month or so and is finally getting cousnelling, he has a really high chance of relapse. Bad things in life happen, and unfortunatley, addicts have learned to cope with them through substance use. Their brain has fundamentally changed and stress is a major trigger.

    So, basically, the moral of the story is: DON’T FIND A GUY TO “FIX” – IT WILL ONLY END IN PAIN!!!!!

    Find a guy who will love and care for you as much as you will love and care for them. “bad boys” might be fun and interesting, but they’re not worth it.

    I know for sure that I want a “good” boy! Someone who can care for me as much as I am willing to care for them. The next man I am with, I will be sure he is the man I marry.

    Reply
    • October 23, 2016 at 8:51 am
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      Hi Kate,

      I just read your story, and it touched my heart. It made me think of my past and how I wish things were the way they were supposed to happen.

      I’m very happy you made the good choice and ended things. You NEED to make YOURSELF happy first.

      I have an update on Chun. I saw him earlier this year at a CNY party in my city. It was actually really HILARIOUS. He didn’t notice I was there until about 20 minutes before he left. I was with my pseudo-Grandma and told her briefly of the story about him and I. During the entire time of him not noticing I was there, he was trying to talk to different people in order to “give face”. When he noticed me, I heard my grandma say, “oh, he had this stupid smile on his face when he saw you.” I laughed, because I KNEW I was invading his territory…even though it was pretty much mine! (I have been going to this CNY party for the past 5 years now and know quite a lot of people there.)

      If we were under any other circumstances, I probably would’ve cussed him out…but…I held my ground, acted mature, and just smiled because I was happy without him in my life.

      Reply

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