Guest Post: "Chun Was Someone I Never Thought I Would Meet" | Speaking of China

20 Responses

  1. Svetlana
    Svetlana November 6, 2015 at 7:28 am | | Reply

    Hey Holly,
    Unfortunately from personal experience, we will never get answers that we seek 🙁 I’ve had tons of guys disappear on me, and none of them ever told me why they did it. To this day, their disappearances remain a mystery to me. Keep strong though and good luck with things.

    1. Fred
      Fred November 7, 2015 at 4:09 am | | Reply

      Hi Svetlana,

      I am still here patiently waiting for your long overdue story of how you and your Korean lover ended. You are so funny when you said that tons of guys disappeared from you life without explanation.

    2. Holly Hollins
      Holly Hollins November 16, 2015 at 12:07 pm | | Reply

      Svetlana,

      I’ve come to a decision that most guys are hard to communicate with…and it’s not our fault. They just want to disappear and want to remove themselves so they can be emotionally detached. Chun was one of these guys. He was only thinking of himself.

  2. Jen
    Jen November 6, 2015 at 1:45 pm | | Reply

    I was nodding along the whole time, too. I think most of us have a Chun or two in our past; a lot of women run into this type of guy early in their dating lives. It sure teaches you about red flags, though. On that note, I’ve learned from experience that a guy who has nothing but bad things to say about his past girlfriends (especially “crazy”) is one to watch out for!

    1. Holly Hollins
      Holly Hollins November 16, 2015 at 12:13 pm | | Reply

      Jen,
      There were a lot of red flags, but I was blind. I was blind because I wanted him romantically at first…and then realized it’s only physical. (and let me tell you, I didn’t enjoy my time with him. 😛 HAHA.)
      He was so full of himself. I talked to a coworker today…and her and I agreed that men who act arrogant or drive nice cars/big cars…do this to make up for…uhm…size. (no offense to any guy who sees this, but I can’t stop thinking how this pertains to a majority of men I’ve encountered.)

  3. Shawn Chong
    Shawn Chong November 6, 2015 at 8:31 pm | | Reply

    Hey Holly,
    I just want to say that it’s good for you to leave this kind of man because he doesn’t deserve a nice girl like you. He’s the kind of guy who only sees a girl as a tool to fulfill his desire for lust. I’m sure you are able to find a good guy that appreciates you in future. Stay strong!

    1. Holly Hollins
      Holly Hollins November 16, 2015 at 12:20 pm | | Reply

      Shawn,
      Thanks for your kind words. My problem at the time was…I was using him too, or so I thought. He is a lesson I learned the hard way. Even these days I think about why this happened to me again. It’s hard to love again if I end up falling for someone else.

  4. IC
    IC November 7, 2015 at 12:54 am | | Reply

    Well, classic paoyou (炮友), or friends with benefits. What do you expect?

    The same applies to bad girls. Good for 炮友, bad for wife. I have plenty of share of that. You just know you can take some people seriously at start.

    Just have fun and move on.

  5. IC
    IC November 7, 2015 at 1:24 am | | Reply

    Correction: You just know you can not take some people seriously at start.

    Not too long ago, I just had one of this relationship for about a year. The very last word she said:” let us meet tomorrow evening”. Total silence then. I never felt heart broken or sad since I knew from very start that I could not take this relationship seriously.

    1. Holly Hollins
      Holly Hollins November 16, 2015 at 12:23 pm | | Reply

      IC,

      Sorry to hear of your failed relationship. Communication is mostly important and if people don’t understand that, then they’re not worth the time or trouble.

      Chun’s relationship with me was a classic pao you relationship. But it still hurts that he cut me off unexpectedly.

  6. David
    David November 8, 2015 at 9:00 am | | Reply

    I guess all these events took place in Michigan. Hopefully he was not looking for a partner in crime…to me it looks like he sized you up and decided it was not worth the trouble. Last time I read about a Chinese guy who dropped out of school, got into trouble with the law was an Aussie national. His parents were disappointed and ignored him..he moved on to higher calling. He became a kingpin. Ran drugs into Indonesia and was arrested and sentenced to death. The death sentence was carried out on April 29, 2015. His name was Andrew Chan…

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrew_Chan

    1. Holly Hollins
      Holly Hollins November 16, 2015 at 12:32 pm | | Reply

      David,
      Pardon me for one moment but I found your comment amusing even though it is on a serious topic. (I blame my inappropriateness sometimes.)

      Chun was a dead-end guy. He was working in a Chinese buffet with his family…which I hear the buffet isn’t even good. He did marijuana multiple times and got caught once, is on probation for 6 months+
      I was trying to be nice to him by offering my friendship since he couldn’t smoke weed. But for him I was just a quick lay and his absence from my life is actually better than him being in it.

      At this point I really don’t care if he wants to get more into trouble. I cared once and if you’re gonna break my heart expect coldness from me.

  7. Fred
    Fred November 10, 2015 at 1:17 am | | Reply

    @ Holly.

    You wrote that you “just kind of my type…..bad boy.”

    There is an old saying: “if you look for trouble, you will find it.” It is so true in this case. He even admitted to drinking and doing drugs. Since you were looking for the bad boy, many would say that you deserved this type of treatment from a bad boy. You seemed to be a nice girl looking for some attention and love. I recommend that you look for the good boy this time.

    All the best.

    Fred

    1. Holly Hollins
      Holly Hollins November 16, 2015 at 12:37 pm | | Reply

      Fred,
      I like bad boys only for adventure and also hoping that I can influence them positively. First off, I’m in school full time, and work 20-25 hours a week. I’m wanting to get out of Michigan and hopefully work for the UN someday. I just hope I can inspire bad-boys to do good.
      This other guy I was involved with(he’s Vietnamese-American), was dead-beat as well, working full time at a vitamin shoppe…and distributes marijuana for someone. He’s actually pissing me off and that’s a different story.

      I’m starting to realize I need to focus on myself and not date, nor have any more pao you.

  8. David
    David November 10, 2015 at 5:49 am | | Reply

    @Fred

    I really think he was sort of interviewing her for some criminal activities, whether to get her to traffic drugs or just traffic her (yes, sexual slavery). She did not fit the profile, so he dropped her. Read Andrew Chan’s story.

  9. Holly Hollins
    Holly Hollins November 16, 2015 at 12:41 pm | | Reply

    Thanks everyone for your comments. Life is good without Chun. I got over this entire thing quickly, but I still think of memories that were good at one point. Nostalgia is a great and terrible thing sometimes.

  10. David
    David November 16, 2015 at 9:48 pm | | Reply

    Holly:

    I work for an UN affiliated organization which I shall not name. To be blunt, affiliating with bad boys will not help one bit.

    1. Holly Hollins
      Holly Hollins November 16, 2015 at 10:11 pm | | Reply

      David,

      I know if I get in trouble with the law it will ruin my future career.

      I’m staying away from bad boys now. Not worth my time and not worth ruining my future.

  11. Kate
    Kate October 23, 2016 at 8:13 am | | Reply

    Holly, sorry I’ve just seen your comments about looking for bad boys to try to influence them to be good.

    Please don’t fall into this painful, awful trap.

    I felt the same way when I met my ex boyfriend… I wasn’t LOOKING for a bad boy, but he had a questionable history that intrigued me. I wanted to get to know him more and did get to know him more.. We ended up falling in love. He was great in many respects; a loyal and loving man. We were together for 6 years.

    He was Asian, and I found him super attractive. But he had this big bad boy appearance, tattoos, history with gangs, etc. He was an alcholic AND drug user.. Although his drug use was not consistent and no where near as bad as most drug users and he never injected or sold drugs, and he never had long periods of use – they were short bursts and he would stop for significant periods of time. Looking back, it was a recipe for disaster – but I was young, naive and in love.

    He was also in love with me. He is one of those special guys who aspires to being with only “the one”. He thinks the idea of casually sleeping with a woman is foul. He was absolutely loyal to me. He was also very romantic. I found these qualities to be extremely attractive as most white Australian guys I know view the number of women one has slept with as bragging rights – unfortunately our culture teaches boys this. And for me, I also only want to find “the one” – I would never, ever, ever physically give myself to someone who I don’t want to be with in the long run (yes I wanted to marry him when he stops drinking, but I was too idealistic – obviously he didn’t stop drinking. The drinking was actually worse than the drug use).

    I loved him so much and he loved me so much. I hoped that he would love me enough to change. He loved me, but apparently not enough to change.

    Evidently he didn’t and we went through a rollercoaster of joy and pain together.

    Honestly I was a very good, loyal, caring, and loving girlfriend to him. I did so much for him and his family loved me, and I loved them. They would always refer to me as his wife and treated me like a beloved daughter in law.

    When it came to moving out, it was one of the hardest times of my life. We rented a place togehter and he kept losing his job. It was so stressful. He would sleep all day while I’d work, then come home and have to clean up after him. We couldn’t save any money at all because he would consistently throw it away on drugs and impulse buys… even my hard earned money. I cared too much – if he needed money for his interlock to be able to drive to work (it costs $120 a month to be serviced) I would hand it over because I would be in that difficult position where if I didn’t, he wouldn’t be able to work, because he already spent all his own money.

    He was so irresponsible. And to make matters worse, although he’d had years of on/off heroin use, he started smoking ice about a year or two after we got togehter. That was by far the worst thing to happen, and things have never been the same. It wasn’t consistent use, but every time it happened it was like a nightmare… he would completely change, act like a maniac. And he started getitng into all these conspiracy theories which was positively frightening. I think it may have had a permanent impact on his brain, too.

    I finally broke up with him this year and I’m not looking back. I realised that I am a loving, dedicated, loyal, and caring girlfriend AND I DESERVE SOMEONE WHO IS GOING TO SHOW ME AS MUCH LOVE AND CARE AS I SHOW THEM. His consistent poor choices were seriously impacting my life.

    He still wants me back and tries and tries and tries. I told him very clearly why I’m breaking up with him. And finally, he has decided to seek help for drinking. He hasn’t been drinking or using drugs for at least a month and he’s been working out. But it’s too late. If he had’ve decided to seek help earlier on, I would have stayed and helped him. But it’s too late, I want to move on and find someone responsible.

    Addiction is a horrible cycle and relapse is inevitable. Although he’s been sober for a month or so and is finally getting cousnelling, he has a really high chance of relapse. Bad things in life happen, and unfortunatley, addicts have learned to cope with them through substance use. Their brain has fundamentally changed and stress is a major trigger.

    So, basically, the moral of the story is: DON’T FIND A GUY TO “FIX” – IT WILL ONLY END IN PAIN!!!!!

    Find a guy who will love and care for you as much as you will love and care for them. “bad boys” might be fun and interesting, but they’re not worth it.

    I know for sure that I want a “good” boy! Someone who can care for me as much as I am willing to care for them. The next man I am with, I will be sure he is the man I marry.

    1. Holly Hollins
      Holly Hollins October 23, 2016 at 8:51 am | | Reply

      Hi Kate,

      I just read your story, and it touched my heart. It made me think of my past and how I wish things were the way they were supposed to happen.

      I’m very happy you made the good choice and ended things. You NEED to make YOURSELF happy first.

      I have an update on Chun. I saw him earlier this year at a CNY party in my city. It was actually really HILARIOUS. He didn’t notice I was there until about 20 minutes before he left. I was with my pseudo-Grandma and told her briefly of the story about him and I. During the entire time of him not noticing I was there, he was trying to talk to different people in order to “give face”. When he noticed me, I heard my grandma say, “oh, he had this stupid smile on his face when he saw you.” I laughed, because I KNEW I was invading his territory…even though it was pretty much mine! (I have been going to this CNY party for the past 5 years now and know quite a lot of people there.)

      If we were under any other circumstances, I probably would’ve cussed him out…but…I held my ground, acted mature, and just smiled because I was happy without him in my life.

Leave a Reply

CommentLuv badge

css.php
%d bloggers like this: