Fenshou: Dreams of a Romantic Fairy Tale Kiss

(photo by ♥ L i l a c ♥ via Flickr.com)

Longtime readers will recognize the name Sveta, who is one of the most active commenters on this site. She also blogs about her latest reads on her book review blog (where she reviews a variety of books , including titles featuring with Asian men and Western women in love).

She shared with me this story of how she met a young Chinese PhD student via myspace, which eventually led to one extraordinary kiss — and, later, a sudden end to their month-long courtship. Thank you for submitting your story, Sveta!

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I haven’t listened to Blackduck in ages. I turn on the record to help me recall that fateful day of heaven, and the ending from hell. Mementoes lie beside me: a fan of wood that looks Spanish depicting the twelve beauties of Jinling, and five books of the Dream of the Red Chamber which took me few years to read and finish and fall in love with. All of it reminds me of him, of 2006 when I was only twenty years old, of a meeting and of a lifetime kiss. To this day I miss what I knew of him.

We began in late January of 2006, when myspace was popular, when Facebook was only a tiny blip before it became an inferno of society. I recall being honest with myself, that yes, I did like Asian men, I did find them attractive. I joined a group for women who find Asian men attractive and posted on there.

In late January of 2006 he sent me a myspace message introducing himself. He was born in June of 1982, as I recall, and was going for a PhD at the University of Texas Southwestern. Oh how gawky I felt. I didn’t even possess an associates degree but only had high school diploma at the time (today I have a bachelors degree in history, and would not have felt awkward). He was attractive, with a heavily accented voice. All I recall is he came from somewhere near Shanghai, but for the life of me cannot recall the city or region he is from. He told me he joined the myspace group as a dare, saw my post, saw I lived near him and decided to send me a message. Our month long correspondence began.

I didn’t drive and neither did he, but I wanted to meet and suspected he did as well. But I felt intimidated around him. He was smarter than I am and knew words I never heard of. Yet some emotions blossomed. Our courtship included phone calls, and once in a while we would turn our webcams on, while talking on the phone and watching one another’s movements. These moments I enjoyed greatly. He asked for my address and then on Valentine’s Day a van arrived bringing me a pot of pink star-shaped blossoms. I felt happy, for I never had anyone do that before.

I recall he began to pull away, or so I felt. But somehow we agreed to meet on March 8th, 2006, International Women’s Day. My sister drove me to UT Southwestern as I listened to Blackduck music in the back, the anxiety gripping me tightly. The scenery of familiar houses, grasses, and restaurants passed me by, and UT Southwestern became the focal point. After she parked the car, I walk towards the building and saw him. He was slightly taller than me, with a haircut I didn’t like. In honesty, he didn’t look as handsome as I had hoped. He met my mom and my sister, bowing to them slightly and we were left together. I brought a camera and we walked to a cafeteria where we ordered hamburgers that fell apart when we ate them. I laughed and joked about that. I gave him a box of chocolates as a late Valentine’s gift and he allowed me to take two chocolates. He gave me an elongated green box holding a delicate fan of wood. The box appeared to be used, but when I opened it I smelled a delightful fragrance inside. I joked about being a Spanish señorita and he took some pictures of me with the fan, while I took some of him. I have some of us together. The gift depicted some of the twelve most beautiful girls in China, the twelve beauties of Jingling from a story titled Dream of the Red Chamber. I recall he told me a little about it. Eventually I would get an English translation in 2010 and would read it.

After finishing up our hamburgers, we held hands and walked around the parking lot, where I came to know him better. I learned that he liked the TV show called Friends — a show I only watched once and never again — and how he looked forward to doing things with me next time. During this time, I grew to like him more and more. I am guilty to say that I knew next to nothing about Chinese culture and I pressured him to kiss me. I thought it would be a simple peck, but it wasn’t. The kiss turned out to be a French kiss. Afterwards, I experienced a strange feeling of being fulfilled, of finding what I was searching for. I was bad with words, so all I told him was that the kiss was different, but tried to reassure him that it was good. After the kiss he walks me back to the car and tells me, my mom and my sister goodbye. We then drove back.

A few days later we were on MSN messenger and he reassured me that he had a good time. But that was the last I ever heard from him. Then he disappeared, never to reappear again. Why did he leave? Maybe it was because I couldn’t really articulate how much I liked his kiss, or I overstepped my boundaries in pressuring him to kiss me. Perhaps he felt I called him too much.

Surprisingly, what I did learn from that meeting is that sometimes it’s better to take things slowly — and that romantic fairy tale kisses really do exist.

Sveta still searches for her true Asian love, but currently pours her passion into reading and sharing her latest reads on her book review blog.

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We’re looking for a few good stories from Chinese men and Western women in love — or out of love — to share on Fridays. Submit your original story or a published blog post today.

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23 thoughts on “Fenshou: Dreams of a Romantic Fairy Tale Kiss

  • June 21, 2013 at 3:13 am
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    Oh, and good luck with finding your true love, Sveta! Sometimes things don’t work out one way because they are supposed to work out another way.

    Reply
  • June 21, 2013 at 9:52 am
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    Thanks for posting my story 🙂 Glad you enjoyed it chinaelevatorstories

    Reply
  • June 21, 2013 at 10:06 am
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    You will find your Chinese/Asian man soon. The best comes last.

    Reply
  • June 21, 2013 at 10:51 am
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    @ Sveta. Wow! What a great story!!!!! I loved it. Your desription of the events in detail made me feel as though I was observing them as they occur first hand. I was feeling for you vicariously as my heart was palpitating at an irregularly fast rate when I was reading your story. I am so sorry to hear that this Chinese man failed to pursue you any further.
    Firstly, you are a great Western woman for having the willingness to give an Asian boy a chance to date you, whereas few Western girls — especially girls from a Southern U.S. state — are willing to date us Asian boys. So, you deerve high praises, girl.

    Secondly, I can definitely relate to his story. I suspect — though I cannot prove it — that he was “sitting on the fence” just as I did at one time. As a Chinese man myself, when I was contemplating to date or not to date those “wild, loud and crazy” Western girls, I experimented a few times just to see if they were compatible. I suspect that he was experimenting with the idea and thus he opted to see you just as an experiment in order to judge things.

    I am stil flabbergasted though that you, as a southern girl from Texas, is willing to give a chance to an Asian man, whereas most Southern girls will simply shun us. Thus, I conclude that you are one of the greatest Western girls in the world.

    My questioin to you is: What made you willing to date an Asian man? Curiosity? Experiment? Sporting? Sexual conquest? Looking for genuine love?

    Keep up the good work, girl!!!!!!!!! Praise the Lord.

    Reply
  • June 21, 2013 at 2:06 pm
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    great story Sveta. I am just curious, do people here in the US do this kind of “disappearing” act as well and how often you run into this kind of people? There are several posts in this blog already, regarding western women were in a relationship with a Chinese man, and all the sudden, the guy just vanished. I am wondering whether, especially in mainland China, because we were so suppressed by the society/government, we developed such a tendency of running away from things, things we felt we had so little control over. While this tendency will certainly stay with people for a long time, but we need to realize we are in a different world now, we have so much more control over our lives, therefore we can take risks, and “live” a little.

    Reply
  • June 21, 2013 at 8:53 pm
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    Sveta, thanks for sharing your story. It was really touching. I felt bad afterwards. May you find the love you are looking for. And perhaps this time he will be even more handsome than you hoped. 🙂

    Reply
  • June 21, 2013 at 9:50 pm
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    Thanks Sveta for your beautifully written story. I really don’t believe it was anything you did wrong. He obviously liked you because you were holding hands in public. As a western female I understand the confusion though, especially given that you had fun (damn those hamburgers!) AND had a significant online history as well. Maybe he was worried that romance would detract from his PhD? Good luck finding your sweet love. x

    Reply
  • June 22, 2013 at 3:58 pm
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    Thanks for the well-wishes everyone, unlikely though they may come true. He was an international student I should mention, not Chinese-American, but Chinese-Chinese. I was curious and wanted to see what it would be like, that’s the reason I gave him a chance. The disappearing act, I run into it all the time from Asian men. no matter the nationality. I had some Korean-American men disappear on me, some Korean-Korean disappear on me, and Chinese-Chinese disappear on me. For me its very common to run into those type of men. Pity I cannot develop immunity against it 🙁 Thanks once more for the well-wishes.

    Reply
  • June 22, 2013 at 3:59 pm
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    Even right now I’m going through a disappearing act where I simply TALKED to the guy and didn’t even do anything affectionate!

    Reply
  • June 23, 2013 at 3:31 am
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    Thank you for the story!
    I’m also wondering about the “desappearing” as I had it happening not long ago with a Chinese guy that I had come to really really like … Not really desappearing in my case, but withdrawing any sign of romantic interest completely and abrubtly decreasing communication after six month. I think what makes it hard and confusing is that those Asian men seem to be so caring, reliable and seriously be interested (compared to the men I see where I live) that when it happens it is very very surprising, hurtful and disappointing. Maybe Jocelyn could have a post that elaborates on this behaviour, possible reasons, and how to deal with communicating or acting around those men when it happens?

    Reply
  • June 24, 2013 at 9:32 am
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    We don’t just disappear. Maybe those Chinese men think that it takes a lot of work for having IR. You just have to make it more inviting and that these men feel more welcomed. Chinese men are attracted to this kind of environment. It’s all of feelings. Once, we’re comfortable and We feel that there is potential for a solid relationship then we’re hooked. You all know that we’re serious about marriage and relationship already. It’s a given. We’re very different from other types of men.

    Bruce

    Reply
  • June 24, 2013 at 5:43 pm
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    @ Sveta. In response to your experience that those Asian boys are doing disappearing acts on you, I have the perfect solution for you. I suggest that you should date an ABC boy who are not quit 100% Chinese and not quit 100% Westernized either. You should be able to have more successes. We ABC boys are a little “wild” just like the American guys, but yet calm, cool and collected enough like the CFC (“Chinese From China’) boys. What do you think about my solution?

    Reply
  • June 24, 2013 at 5:49 pm
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    @ Mary. I agree with you and wish that Jocelyn will write a post about the “disappearing acts” of those Asian men. I, too, want to know why this phenomenon is happening. So, Jocelyn, if you are reading these comments now, please tell us about the “disappearing acts.”

    Reply
  • June 24, 2013 at 9:05 pm
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    Could it be this Chinese guy is over sensitive about small things which stops him from further commitment ?

    Reply
  • June 25, 2013 at 6:40 pm
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    Thanks for sharing your story. It is beautifully written. I agree that Jocelyn should do a post on the disappearing acts.

    One reason why they disappear is probably that they are sitting on the fence? So instead of informing you they sort of just slink away. I know a few female friends who had this experience with no asian men too.

    Its a hard thing to counter, as obviously you dont want to play games or test someones feelings. Yet devoting more than the other person usually ends up hurting the person who is more invested. I dont have a perfect solution. But I think from experience you might want to steer things too. If he runs, he wasnt into it anyways.

    Reply
    • June 26, 2013 at 2:29 pm
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      Quick reply to this thread — I’ve been reading the comments, and I’ll be doing a post exploring this “disappearing act” phenomenon (and also will welcome your comments/thoughts as well). Thanks for the suggestion, Mary!

      Reply
  • June 27, 2013 at 7:48 pm
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    Think about it. How come Chinese men can be so caring to Chinese women ,but not Western women? Can Western women be more attentive like Chinese women? I’m a Chinese man myself and I do like caring women in general. If we show interest toward you and you don’t show some feedbacks, we will disappear for sure.

    Reply
  • June 28, 2013 at 11:34 am
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    @Bruce: I am a Chinese man too. I think it goes both ways — they need to be attentive to what we say AND we need to speak in a “language” they understand, it has to be mutual.

    Reply
  • July 1, 2013 at 4:29 am
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    I’m confused, why does she even want to specifically look for an ‘Asian love’? It should be about the person. Sure most of the times culture plays a big part in their quality as a person, but still forget about Asian and move on, I reckon…

    Reply
  • July 2, 2013 at 6:11 am
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    What a lovely and well-written story. I hope you find your “fairy-tale ending” one day!

    Reply
  • July 2, 2013 at 8:24 am
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    @Sveta,

    I feel like it is against my moral if I do not reply you, why? my message consists of 2 parts. 1) I was once that “disappeared” Asian man, and 2) I have also been a victim of a “disappeared” western woman too.

    1)
    I have dated this British girl for 2 to 3 times. We kissed few times. After the 3rd date, I realized that I do not want to develop a relationship with her, because I think it’s not going to work and she was a bit too “aggressive” (not a perfect word, sorry for my limited adjectives) when I am not fully ready. Please allow me to keep a bit secret why I thought it wouldn’t work, but the point is, sometimes it can be personal reason (feelings) or it can be pressure from family or friends or something has gone though our life. (Please do not forget that you have only seen this guy few times, inspite of the kisses and hand holdings)

    However, I didn’t know how to reject someone, I thought I should see her less and less so as to dilute her feeling towards me. I know now I could have done better. Sveta, I know it hurts your feeling when things change such abruptly. Sometimes Asians, in general, are not as expressive as the non-asian, hence we had no clue but to disappear, though that has nothing to do with you. We hate rejecting people.

    2) Now comes the second part, how I became a victim. There was another western girl (From the USA) that I have dated few times before, she seems to like me so much, keep calling me, waiting for me outside of a restaurant just to see me for few seconds earlier. How sweet? yes, I liked her so much at that time.

    However, after a week long business trip, things have changed suddenly. She stopped contacting me, and just text me and say all is over. I have no clue why.

    Summary:

    – I am sorry for your experience.
    – “disappearing” happens to people from other countries too, not just for Asian.
    – many things could have happened beyond your control, do not take it too personal.
    – I thought many times what could I have done wrong, but if I still have no clue, then we should not blame ourselves too much.
    – I have learned that, regardless how strong the feeling is, time is always needed to know somebody better and deeper. The more you know about this person, the less chance these sudden “accidents” will happen between you two because you know what kind of person he is.
    – Hope that helps! last but not least, if you have tried to reconnect by mentioning the positive things you have done, (as mentioned by Jocelyn), and still there is no reply, maybe it’s not a bad idea to move on…. But please do not lose trust on us just because of few bad experiences. you never know.

    Reply
  • August 7, 2015 at 10:33 pm
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    Beautiful but feeling hungry at the end. Sounded like he could have a loving girl but he blew it. Many would be very happy in his shoes to be loved.
    Keep it up and you are right….go slow.

    Reply

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