Fenshou: "I Hope He Can Forgive Me" | Speaking of China

24 Responses

  1. MADEINCHINA
    MADEINCHINA May 10, 2013 at 2:49 am | | Reply

    Sounds to me this Chinese guy is not into her. He might be flirtatious. That is it. He waited several weeks to invite- first clue. Telling he had sex without relationship- another clue. From poor background- trying not impress her or even trying to say that he is not good choice for women- another clue.

    Dating is like job interview. Eager applicants always want to impress with good qualities.

  2. *-*
    *-* May 10, 2013 at 3:24 am | | Reply

    He was looking for a one nite stand. If he was really into her, he would try to find time to spend it with her consistently by getting to know more about her.

  3. Someone
    Someone May 10, 2013 at 3:44 am | | Reply

    Disagree. Ons stand would cause him to be more aggressive in closing. Those men kiss and fondle instead of awkwardly hug.

  4. Someone
    Someone May 10, 2013 at 3:46 am | | Reply

    Side note. Western women are hilarious. End a date with a handshake, hug, or kiss on the hand and they become sooo confused. What does that mean? They wonder…

  5. cheng Yong 1
    cheng Yong 1 May 10, 2013 at 4:29 am | | Reply

    needless to say just how things from hopeful to darkness, I bet the writer has a serious personality, and meanwhile the Chinese guy is not serious, he is running away for muti-reasons. but here is my opinions, please don’t feel sorry for yourself, and guys like me are serious, I am pretty socially awkard person. I have angery management issues, and I am easily turning to be volient, thats why I never went any parties, I hit Gym training for fights, and alot of phycial well build, serious guys went to Gym, thats where u need go, find similar type of men . insead of party type. wrecky and weak. and tough guys never run away, but confornting all things that block their way.

  6. chinaelevatorstories
    chinaelevatorstories May 10, 2013 at 4:40 am | | Reply

    I also think that she’s being too hard on herself. I don’t think that the little details we know from this short story are enough to jugde these two people and tell the reasons why Tony decided not to contact her anymore.
    chinaelevatorstories recently posted..“Do you speak foreignish?”

  7. David
    David May 10, 2013 at 5:51 am | | Reply

    Seems like role reversal from the stereotypes here. He is the liberal free sex type Chinese and she a conservative English female who has never had any sex..and such people do exist, believe it or not!

  8. askdsk
    askdsk May 10, 2013 at 7:46 am | | Reply

    I think the guy is not looking for something serious. Subject of sex is a good indication. If he is alarmed he was actually with a English girl with no sex experience, he was not into her so much. This girl is too hard on herself. I also know guys like him will only look for a Chinese virgin. Talking about double standards.

  9. Mayte
    Mayte May 10, 2013 at 7:47 am | | Reply

    I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself. It sounds like your nerves got the better of both of you. You should try to look at it simply as a learning experience and go forward and meet new guys and try to relax a bit more. There’s no real pressure to be anyone but yourself. Meeting guys through friends will make this easier than introducing yourself to strangers, so I think for starters, you’re on the right path. Rally your friends around and start some get-togethers and see where things take you from there. It’s never simple, but meeting good people is always worth the effort.

  10. Anonymous
    Anonymous May 10, 2013 at 8:07 am | | Reply

    @Tough guy: do you really need to bring up how tough you really are in this god damn blog? Sounds like you need to get laid once in a while…. but oh wait, you can’t, because women find you too creepy and socially awkward.

  11. Asianista
    Asianista May 10, 2013 at 9:25 am | | Reply

    I just think it was a bad date, period. These happen between people from all cultures and even from the same culture. Everybody has their story to tell about these!
    And too much analysis went into this, in my opinion, way too much.
    Social anxiety is not a concept I’m familiar with, but it does sound complex and must be frustrating for people who have it (and their family/friends.)
    Asianista recently posted..Taking pictures is serious business

  12. Sveta
    Sveta May 10, 2013 at 11:47 am | | Reply

    Something similar kind of happened to me. Sorry that you went through this. Wish I could offer some sort of consolation, but at the moment I can’ t when I’m not feeling well myself…
    Sveta recently posted..Coming Up…Week 19 of 2013

  13. Robert Lin
    Robert Lin May 10, 2013 at 1:42 pm | | Reply

    Chairman Mao said: all dating without the purpose of marriage is a sexual harassment.

  14. JkTH
    JkTH May 10, 2013 at 2:11 pm | | Reply

    Well, just get over it – that coffee meeting wasn’t a big deal, and one awkward meeting don’t kill a grown-up person… We all have blond and/or embarrassing moments.

  15. R Zhao
    R Zhao May 10, 2013 at 5:22 pm | | Reply

    I also think the writer is being much too hard on herself, which is a problem in and of itself. Probably a symptom of the social anxiety disorder?
    Things don’t always work out, people say stupid ( perhaps insensitive stuff) all the time. . . this is a part of life and it is also a part of dating, no matter who you are dating. Personally, telling someone from a rural town that he “seems so sophisticated” can be interpreted as a compliment to some, and insult to others, or maybe even entirely unnoteworthy! Don’t stress about what you perceive as social faux pas, we all make them! Learn what you can from the situation and move on.

  16. R Zhao
    R Zhao May 10, 2013 at 5:24 pm | | Reply

    I also think the writer is being too hard on herself, which is a problem in and of itself. Probably a symptom of the social anxiety disorder?
    Things don’t always work out, people say stupid (perhaps insensitive stuff) all the time. . . this is a part of life and it is also a part of dating, no matter who you are dating. Personally, telling someone from a rural town that he “seems so sophisticated” can be interpreted as a compliment to some, an insult to others, or maybe even entirely unnoteworthy! Don’t stress about what you perceive as social faux pas, we all make them! Learn what you can from the situation and move on.

  17. Marcus
    Marcus May 10, 2013 at 6:29 pm | | Reply

    Geez your really hard on yourself…I don’t know that you actually suffer from social anxiety from what I read! You did engage in conversation with this guy! People with social anxiety tend to avoid group settings all together let alone conversation with strangers. It seem that there were some language misunderstanding going on. Anyways, I think its that Chinese guy who was really scare to talk to you!

  18. Ashleigh Son
    Ashleigh Son May 10, 2013 at 7:28 pm | | Reply

    I agree with everyone else who said you are hard on yourself. It just sounds like that guy was not really into getting serious with anyone. Perhaps he thought he would have a one night stand but once he saw that you have a tendency to have relationships instead of one night stands, he backed right off. He just sounded like not the best match for you. Keep looking! You will find someone who is more your type than that awkward guy.

  19. Tracy Slater
    Tracy Slater May 10, 2013 at 11:19 pm | | Reply

    This is a really sweet and honest post. I don’t know what caused her crush to run away–no one does but him, I suppose–but reading this recalls all the fears and confusions and insecurities of dating, and I wish the writer all the best! I remember how tough it was (at least, for me, until I found the love of my life in Japan). Anyway, thanks, Jane, for sharing your story, and Jocelyn for posting it.
    Tracy Slater recently posted..9 Years Ago Today, I Met the Shogun

  20. Blossom
    Blossom May 11, 2013 at 11:09 am | | Reply

    I get the sense that the author thought he was interesting or a little different at the time of the date, but has then come to the conclusion that he was just completely ‘awesome’ with the passing of time after the date. It is so frustrating when this happens, but at least she will be a little bit less reserved (maybe) next time she meets someone that she likes a little bit. They both sound shy, and the three week gap didn’t help the situation one bit!

  21. Laura
    Laura May 11, 2013 at 6:12 pm | | Reply

    Dear The Finnish girl from the article,
    As the others mentioned above you are hard with yourself. Believe or not, maybe he just called or met for a coffee because he wanted to chat, because he wanted to practice a language, teach you Chinese, or he was bored at home…Neither of them your fault. Maybe it was not a date?…
    Anyway, even after a date, no need to expect any movement, that will make you anxious, after all you new him very little. And from the date you had I don’t have the feeling that you were comfortable either…
    People come and go, he decided to go…not your fault. He didn’t contact you back to explain why he left like that, or to say that you can be friends…well..no need to apologize!
    Maybe that word you said came very deep into your mind, and maybe he didn’t even hear it..It happens more often than you imagine.
    Forget about it, move forward and you will see how much you can improve socially.
    Laura recently posted..Architectural density in Hong Kong

  22. Frank
    Frank May 13, 2013 at 5:15 am | | Reply

    How do we analyze this?? Stereotyping Chinese men as liberal instead of 99% being homely coversative boys?? Give me a break. If anyone wants to solve this case, volunteer to be her councilor and get in touch with this girl. Until then, case closed.

  23. Henry Yeh
    Henry Yeh May 13, 2013 at 6:21 pm | | Reply

    He should be begging for your forgiveness, not the other way around.

  24. SBC
    SBC May 28, 2013 at 5:09 am | | Reply

    I think that either

    1. He didn’t intend it as a date and fled when he realized you did
    2. Just wanted something more casual and fled when he realized you might be a virgin and thats more responsibility than he wanted to take (which should explain why things went downhill once you mentioned your past).

    I dont think there is any cultural misunderstanding here. Sure the stuff about sophistication etc sounds like it might piss him off, but I dont see why that would make someone leave a date. Also most people would actually feel flattered by such comments, even if thats not right. So I think you are being hard on yourself and overthinking this.

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