Fenshou: After Meeting in Thailand, “I Was Falling Hard For Her”

(photo by Crystian Cruz via Flickr.com)

“Justin” wrote to me to say, “Many of the past posts in this category have featured Chinese men running away and dropping all contact. Let’s just say that the reverse happens as well, and can cause just as much heartache.”

Then he told me his own story of falling in love with an incredible Western woman he met while on a holiday in Thailand — who later slipped away from him inexplicably — and offered permission to share it with you. Thanks to Justin for this contribution!

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A while back I was working in a medical mission in Thailand when I met a wonderful person. I was using a long weekend holiday to take a trek tour through Northern Thailand, and she was part of the same tour group.

We didn’t talk much the first day. But on the second day, after our group paused to rest by a waterfall, we both went swimming and then chatted on the banks of the river for hours. We talked about everything – pop culture, interests, hobbies, life goals, adventure travel, past relationships. It was a real heart-to-heart about many deep and intense subjects. It wasn’t all serious though as we both peppered each other with jokes. After that point I realized that not only was she stunningly beautiful, but also amazingly compatible in terms of mindset, personality, and interests, more than anyone I had ever met before. I thought that truly someone with such a fun-loving adventurous nature and purity of spirit could only come around once in a blue moon. Thus, even though we had a significant age gap (seven years), were separated by 13 hours of flight time, and were unlikely to be able to move together anytime soon, I resolved to make my best attempt at romance because you never want to live life with regrets, right?

That night, by the campfire, after everyone had gone to sleep, I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulled her in close, and nuzzled her cheek. She was a bit hesitant but didn’t pull away, so we ended up kissing. She freaked out a little and broke the kiss, and then dragged me away to the bunks to sleep (separately of course). I was a bit dejected but understood — she was only interested in being friends and had never thought of me as a potential partner. I had either failed to make a strong enough connection with the conversation or failed to stir her passion with the kiss.

In the middle of the night, I awoke groggily to what I thought was her shaking my feet, and then her saying, “I’m going down to the river bank to watch [the tour guide] fish.” I tried to go back to sleep not knowing if I had dreamed that sequence or not, but couldn’t. I was struck with worry about her. So I got out of bed and climbed down the steps to the river bank with just slippers and the light of my cellphone as a torch. I saw her at the edge of the river watching our guide fish. I caught up and after he left, rounded on her with my worries. She was surprised, but this incident caused us to reconcile. We spent the rest of the night watching the fishing, secretly holding hands and stealing kisses when out of sight.

Unfortunately the next day we had to part, which we did with a hug. We exchanged contact information and promised to stay in touch and try to develop a relationship. Surprisingly, a few days later, I received an email from her saying that she was flying back to my city for another few days. I was overjoyed and we made arrangements to hike up to a nearby mountain and watch a concert that night. Our chemistry was just as electric as the first time, conversation just as stimulating, and kisses as passionate. Though it was just a short time, I was falling hard for her and was definitely envisioning a future with plenty more similar adventures with her.

After she went back to her country, we kept up with the emails every day. I structured my vacation time for the next year around planned trips to Croatia and Costa Rica with her. After a month or so though, I could see her interest begin to flag as her responses became less detailed and more tardy. That was until one day when she stopped replying completely. I sent a follow up email several weeks later but she also did not reply. For some incredibly unsatisfying reason, she decided to end contact completely.

In retrospect, it could have been that I was too aggressive with my interest level and scared her off. Alternatively, she may have just seen me as a fling and never intended to have anything serious, lost interest, or found a boyfriend in her own country. The sad part is that I will never know the real answer, and our plans of an amazing life together were dashed completely. But it is as they say – life and love can’t always have happy endings.

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We’re looking for a few good stories from Chinese men and Western women in love — or out of love — to share on Fridays. Submit your original story or a published blog post today.

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29 thoughts on “Fenshou: After Meeting in Thailand, “I Was Falling Hard For Her”

  • August 30, 2013 at 2:29 am
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    she’s just playing with ya,bro,let it go

    Reply
  • August 30, 2013 at 4:17 am
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    Sad… I don’t approve of her behaviour, I think a person deserves an answer when he asks. She should have given an honest answer to his message.
    I hope you find someone worth of your love soon!

    Reply
  • August 30, 2013 at 5:22 am
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    As a woman, I don’t think she was playing with you. If that was the case, she wouldn’t have kept up communication after she went home. I think she probably realized it wasn’t rational, and felt like a fantasy. She couldn’t see how it could realistically work out, even though she felt a connection with you. Maybe you came on to strong, but I think the biggest problem was probably the distance between you.

    I’ve met many people while traveling that I’ve felt an amazing connection with (not romantically, as I’m happily married). Most of these people I only know for a day or two, sometimes just an intense several hours. Other people I’ve cultivated rather deep friendships with over spans of months while we live and work in the same city as expats. After parting ways, sometimes we keep in touch and sometimes I just accept they are a nice memory. It’s a part of traveling and living overseas. Wonderful people come and go all the time.

    Reply
  • August 30, 2013 at 10:46 am
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    May be she was trying to keep it hidden from her family who probably were not going to be very happy with an IR and decided it was time to end it. 13 hours flight time? Must be the UK or somewhere around there. And if it is UK, it is very difficult to get spousal permanent resident visa these days and she probably did not want any further hassle.

    Reply
  • August 30, 2013 at 10:47 am
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    Hey Bro. I am sorry to hear that you had the misfortune with this Western women. I hear this more and more often and this is why I have chosen to date a China doll instead. I know some buddies who met my fellow White women at various places such as bars, night clubs, etc. and they thought that they had developed a good connection with the women and got their tele #’s and even had a few intimate kisses. But when they call the babes later, the babes don’t return their calls or simply after one or two dates, the girls do not respond anymore. I am not saying that all Western women will simly abondon you, but I think that I hear from others that this happens more and more. That’s why I think that an Asian woman would not lead you on for awhile and then dump you. She will simply not waste time and not lead you on only to dump you in the end. Maybe you should try to date an ABC China doll instead just as I am doing. All the best to you bro.

    Reply
  • August 30, 2013 at 11:02 am
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    @Manny

    Good teaching lesson for all those clueless Asian guys. Dating is very emotional brutal process which like riding of roller coaster. If you do not have stomach for free will dating, you better off with arranged marriage. Free will dating is like animal mating. Rejection and competion is the rule of the game. There is no sympathy for losers. You have to tough up.

    I personally even experienced far more outrageous leading on with sex interaction. You thought women had sex with would be a sure sign of relationship. But no. I had quite few of encounters of sex on the first date and then the girls just faded away. I did find out some of them having multiple dates. I even had been used as sexual rebound for some women failed dates. The stories go on and on.

    Manny, you sounds like a nice person. Do you have a face book site so we all can appreciate you and your chinese doll?

    Reply
  • August 30, 2013 at 12:54 pm
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    @ Hanren. Thank you for reply. Your anecdote of your experience sure sounds like what has been happenning a lot these days. Many of my buddies complain about the “free will dating” practices and that your description that it is akin to animal dating (rejection and competition is the rule of game) is accurate. That is why I have chosen to date exclusively Asian girls because they are not only pretty but they have great values from their upbringing. I understand that not all Asian girls are good but I can say that based upon what my fellow White boys tell me and based on my personal experience, I can definitely opine authoritatively that they make great mates. In fact I am daing an ABC girl from California right now and our relationship is awesome!
    Please do not interpret my statement as saying that Western women or any other type of women are trash as I think there are some great Western women out there. I am merely stating that I am basing my opinion on my experience and what other White boys tell me.
    Thank you for saying that I am a “nice person.” I think that you are a nice person as well. I am sorry but I do not have a website nor am I on facebook. I am just a simple country White boy from a Southern state in love with a China doll girlfriend.
    What about you? Do you have a website, blog or a facebook profile?

    Manny

    Reply
  • August 30, 2013 at 1:45 pm
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    If she didn’t want to continue contact, she should have told you. It’s understandable that she wouldn’t have wanted a long distance relationship as it can be very hard on both of you, but to just ignore you is really wrong. I hope you find someone who treats you better. 🙂

    Reply
  • August 30, 2013 at 2:35 pm
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    @manny

    Well, I do not have any facebook account either. But so few people are like us not to have facebook now. I have too much secrecy to guard.

    I am not so lucky like you to have perfect mate. I am struggling in my current relationship. I thought about presenting my problem to Jocelyn as topic to debate. But my gf actually reads this blog some time. So I better to keep it off.

    My problem simply is the conflict between biology and ideology. Biologically, my gf is the best woman for my taste in term of beauty, sex chemistry, even smell. I do not want to have sex with any women else because of her. But ideologically, she is right-wing ultra-conservative, active Tea party member. Her views of society, race, politics drive me nuts. BTW, white racist women do date non-white. Liberal women, however, do not guarantee an open-minded attitude about IR dating. Her sister with more moderate political view dates white only.

    Reply
  • August 30, 2013 at 5:46 pm
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    This is such a beautifully written story, and it is great to hear the perspective of an Asian man. I also believe simply the distance was the main factor. Clearly the interest and affection was reciprocated, but it is hard to maintain the momentum of love and passion and friendship via email. I am very sad for you, but other equally adorable lovers await you!

    Reply
  • August 30, 2013 at 6:14 pm
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    @ Hanren. Yes, I too have a lot of secrets to keep and thus I try to minimize my exposure on the internet and other social media. When I was a little younger, I tried very hard to love White girls but I just could not do so. I even had sex with a few of them but I had to close my eyes during the intimiate moments and imaged that they were a young beautiful slim and slender Chinese, Japanese or Korean girl in order for me to maintain arousal. I realized then that I just was an “Asia-phile” and loved Asian women too much. Thus, I began my quest to search for a young and beautiful Asian woman. Luckily one of my two sisters helped me and found a fellow classmate who was Asian in her university for me. Thus, I have been in love with this ABC girl since. I cannot say enough good things about her. I hope that you Hanren and Justin will find the woman of your dreams be she Asian, Black, Spanish or White.

    Manny.

    Reply
    • September 2, 2013 at 4:12 am
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      “When I was a little younger, I tried very hard to love White girls but I just could not do so. I even had sex with a few of them but I had to close my eyes during the intimiate moments and imaged that they were a young beautiful slim and slender Chinese, Japanese or Korean girl in order for me to maintain arousal.”

      I almost fell out of my chair when I read this at work.

      I guess you’re a white male, yea? Good for you.

      Reply
  • August 30, 2013 at 6:32 pm
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    It’s interesting how in this thread white women are being caste as those who will love you then leave you. I don’t think this is an issue with just white women. I think it’s a western culture thing. Western women and men BOTH often take a much more casual approach to dating, sex, and marriage compared to many people from Asian countries. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing. Problems arise when there are different expectations about the relationship and someone gets hurt. That may very well have been the case here.

    Reply
  • August 30, 2013 at 7:16 pm
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    Apparently the disappearing act is a human thing. I have had lots of Chinese guys do that to me.

    Reply
  • August 30, 2013 at 8:57 pm
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    There comes our Manny!

    Manny please talk about your grandfather adventure in China during WWII.

    You don’t have a facebook, you don’t have any online blog, but you do seem to dwell here in Jocelyn’s blog and keep talking about your China doll.

    You seem like a “real, nice troll.”

    Reply
  • August 30, 2013 at 9:26 pm
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    I’m loving the conversation between “manny” & “hanren” so ridiculous it’s funny! Can’t be true.
    Justin your story sounded romantic & I was sad to read it didn’t end well. My guess is she thought it would not work. It’s immature of her not to respond but this is how some people cope. I’ve had ex partners cut me off & we had been in a serious relationship. You will def find a girl who deserves you 🙂

    Reply
  • August 31, 2013 at 3:19 pm
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    “Her sister with more moderate political view dates white only.”

    With very few exceptions white women will date whites only. Also a white male can land in Taiwan or Hong Kong and aggressively chase Asian women. However, if an Asian male from Singapore, Hong Kong or anywhere else does that in the US, especially in places like Georgia or Alabama he wil be found hanging from the nearest tree!

    Reply
  • August 31, 2013 at 5:30 pm
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    Sometimes it is better to fade away … being on both sides of the equation.

    When the flame of passion is burning, all red flags are ignored; when flame settles down a bit, that is time to reflect …

    Do you really want to hear the truth ?

    Reply
  • August 31, 2013 at 5:34 pm
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    @David – I heard it is 3%, passively. But when you actively chase them, it is much higher.

    Reply
  • September 1, 2013 at 10:36 am
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    Thanks for the comments and kind words, everyone. Yeah, it’s probably a combination of distance that caused her to rethink things. Not everyone deals well with it apparently. I also think part of it is due to her age (she’s a lot younger than me). For someone that young out in the world for the first time things are probably a bit of sensory overload. The passion of the moment may have made things seem more magical and then when she went back to the drudgery of everyday life, reality set in.

    Distance has never been an issue for me. I mean, one can’t be too geographically selective being as picky as I am. If I can meet someone awesome, I’ll go around the world to find her.

    @ Blossom, yeah, I’ve moved on and accepted that some things just aren’t meant to be. I can keep the wonderful memory of our time together as a piece of ribbon tied to my heart.

    @ RZhao, actually if anything she confessed her fears initially that I was trying to play her/do a casual fling thing. I reassured her that I was looking for something long-term because I had met someone quite amazing. I think we were both on the same wavelength about expectations and commitment, at least initially.

    @ David, you’re right that she’s from the UK, so maybe my behaviour was a little “coming on too strong” for her. I don’t think her mum had any problems with me; au contraire, she seemed to like me quite a lot actually. Spousal visa probably won’t be a problem in the future since we both love to travel and would probably be living a digital nomad lifestyle moving from place to place. If worse comes to worst, it’s easier to get a green card for her to settle in the US with me.

    Reply
  • September 2, 2013 at 3:17 am
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    Ooh hello Justin – cute! Ha ha It’s nice you replied ’cause often the people who provide these stories don’t respond so we only know what is written in the blog post.

    Reply
  • September 2, 2013 at 2:50 pm
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    Justin,

    My friend, you simply have to tough up. For whatever reason, she didn’t fall for you as much as you fell for her. There is nothing you can do. Move on, and don’t give up. Keep honing your skills and you will eventually be able to capture the love of your life when she appears.

    Reply
  • September 3, 2013 at 3:42 am
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    Its good you are coping well and sensibly. I agree with others that she realized it couldnt go on and took the easy way out for herself. If she is young as you sy, tht also makes sense as many youngsters think that shutting something off completely makes it disappear. i do think she owed you at least a little bit of an explanation.

    Reply
  • September 4, 2013 at 2:46 am
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    “When I was a little younger, I tried very hard to love White girls but I just could not do so. I even had sex with a few of them but I had to close my eyes during the intimiate moments and imaged that they were a young beautiful slim and slender Chinese, Japanese or Korean girl in order for me to maintain arousal.”

    When I read this, I burst into laughter. Manny is so funny.:)

    Reply
  • September 5, 2013 at 8:40 pm
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    Sorry to hear that happened to you. And to anyone else, people don`t deserve to be treated this way. Hope you will have more luck in future. Hang in there!

    Reply
  • September 18, 2013 at 8:21 am
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    “When I read this, I burst into laughter. Manny is so funny.:)”

    Yep. Manny like other white men will go and chase Asian women in Hong Kong or Singapore and he wont be shut out. Let an Asian American male let alone an Asian male do it in Tuscaloosa, Alabama pretty close to the place where Manny comes from, see what happens..For instance, let him try to do it in one of these sororities at the University of Alabama….chase one of the white sorority sisters

    http://ideas.time.com/2013/09/16/at-university-of-alabama-sisterhood-is-prejudiced/

    They will probably hold their noses, throw up and call the police…it is called white privilege.

    Reply
  • October 7, 2013 at 11:06 pm
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    I’ve read this a couple of times.

    It sounds forced and desperate. Just because there’s a connection where worlds collide- it doesn’t mean romantic. I think she just went along with it, caught up with your river of emotions then it dissipated as it’s not meant to be.

    Reply
  • October 17, 2013 at 3:00 am
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    David,
    I think there should be more white guys dating, marrying and having lots of children with Chinese women. In my view, interracial relationship is a wonderful thing that promotes cultural understanding. See things positively bro, whining about how unfair it is that white guys keep getting our girls doesn’t get us one, nor does it change anything. Persistent complaining doesn’t make one look like a winner but a 12 year old whiner. As a Chinese person, I have to say I am very much embarrassed by some of your comments. Carry on, Manny.

    Reply
  • October 28, 2014 at 3:16 am
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    @Zhishun…dumb comment…carry on Manny, eh?

    Reply

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