Guest Post: Chinese Culture Doesn't Condone Extramarital Affairs, Yet I Had One | Speaking of China

61 Responses

  1. M
    M January 9, 2015 at 7:22 am | | Reply

    There’s a German saying, I’m trying to translate… If the donkey is too comfortable, it is stepping on ice 😉

    It sounds like he is bored and trying to spice up his life by flirting with other women and writing a lengthy post about it. I’m actually wondering if these are serious questions… Or is he trying to provoke women in AMWF relationsships?

  2. K
    K January 9, 2015 at 8:25 am | | Reply

    As a woman, I feel you should tell your wife. Reading your words I can almost sense a desperation to experience something fresh and new. Yet, you wanted validation over and over again from friends about what you are doing is okay and almost a refresher. Living in China for several years, everyone knows affairs are not condone, especially with men cheating on their wives. A lot of wives know, and in a lot of cases women won’t say anything to their spouse because there hubby brings home the bacon. Since you felt so validated and enthusiastic with your experience with Mary, and even though you did not have intercourse with her, it seems you like the chase and in good time without resolving this issue with your wife and yourself you will try again and again to find a newer play toy. Being a woman who was strung along by a Chinese guy for years who turns out didn’t value fidelity as much as I did- I was devastated at first. But when he started to have these urges outside of our relationship I wish he would have come to me so we could have worked this out together, or with outside help. I sincerely feel you should tell your wife because she deserves to know and the both of you deserve the chance to save your marriage and you don’t feel the need to cheat on her once again.

  3. R Zhao
    R Zhao January 9, 2015 at 8:40 am | | Reply

    IF you are truly repentant and know this is a one off, never to happen again–you stay silent. This is your cross to bare. Your punishment is to live with the guilt. Why hurt your wife and risk breaking up your family just to have a clean conscience? Also, get some STD testing done, for good measure.

    As for this story, it sounds so contrived. You seem to want to feel bad for what you did, but I don’t think you do. You want to shock us with a story that’s as old as mankind. I’m not surprised; I’m annoyed.

    I believe I’m a realist about cheating. I think it happens in a lot of relationships, more often than we’d like to admit or believe. It’s not specific to Chinese culture or any culture. Across races and countries and even genders (yes, women cheat too!) things just happen. But here it didn’t just happen. You actively went out seeking to cheat on your wife, which is cold and calculating. It’s also immature.

    My other advice to you would be to grow up and find others ways to validate yourself other than seeking out sex with random women. As you found out, the excitement doesn’t last long. The fall out might last forever.

  4. R
    R January 9, 2015 at 9:20 am | | Reply

    I have to disagree with the above comment. Do NOT tell your wife, unless you are hoping for a divorce. If you feel the need to talk it out and get it off your chest, talk to a therapist.
    I once met an amazing man when I was recently out of my last relationship. We chatted, we met, the chemistry was awesome – but he is semi-happily married with 3 small children! The last thing I would ever want for him is for his wife to find out and divorce him. I felt so strongly that he didn’t want to cheat on his wife as much as he wanted, like the writer, to feel validated again. He was married only 4 years at the time of the affair, but already had 3 children under 4! Anyone with kids knows one is enough to make your marriage difficult, but add to that the husband as the only breadwinner…anyway, I digress. In a world of failed marriages, I hope that he picked himself up and went back to his life. I just felt like he worked too hard and deserved to get what he wanted at the time.
    I’ll add that I don’t condone affairs and cheating, I was cheated on back when I was married, but I can see why it happens.
    Good luck, Mr. Fortunate

  5. Constance - Foreign Sanctuary
    Constance - Foreign Sanctuary January 9, 2015 at 10:15 am | | Reply

    First of all, this whole post irritated me. You make having an affair sound like a game that you so want to play, by crossing over to the dark side, crossing the line – shame on you. Instead of spicing up your relationship with your wife, you look for satisfaction outside your marriage.

    My advice to you is to not tell your wife – that is, if you are not going to do it again.

    Oh, and grow up!

  6. MM
    MM January 9, 2015 at 11:14 am | | Reply

    Mr. Fabulous a question: Did you considered what you would have done once the conquest/final outcome was achieved? Would you have continued on with the affair?
    Whether you tell your wife or not is a decision only you can make? Tell yourself what do you have to gain by telling her and what do you have lose, and what will you tell your children?

    I agree with R Zhao, you actively went out to find someone to have an affair with, is this what you would tell your wife? Do you think she would understand I “opted to be loyal” or I “hooked and pursued her” or the ultimate “I started to feel remorseful. The pictures of me, my wife and children were dangling above the bed. My wedding photos were there. I just could not muster the strength or courage to do this”. If you were in your wife’s shoes do you think this is something you would want to hear?

    Ask yourself “if my wife had an affair would I want to know or would I rather not know”.

    I have 5 good Chinese friends (male, married with children) 3 have had affairs and would consider having more affairs! When asked WHY? 2 reasons are given; boredom and honest “men are like dogs, we need to rummage around for sex”.

  7. H
    H January 9, 2015 at 1:19 pm | | Reply

    I would not call that an affair. Just a thought of trying to cheat. If having an affair is something in your bucket list then go for it. Just be ready to man up to shoulder the consequences

  8. Cheryl
    Cheryl January 9, 2015 at 3:01 pm | | Reply

    When I married my husband I made him promise to divorce me before he ever cheated. If he found himself attracted to another woman to the point that he wanted to betray me, he should leave me to enjoy her instead.

    I can’t even comprehend someone thinking ‘I want to have an affair… not with a specific person, just anyone’.

    This concept is actually beyond my understanding because it’s so pathetic to me. If you take a marriage vow… you should mean it.

    I think the issue isn’t within yourself, it’s within your marriage. If you are even considering hurting your poor wife then something isn’t right in your relationship. You should try spicing things up with her… not going after someone else.

    I think you should tell your wife that you feel the spice is out of your relationship and let her know that you did explore the option of cheating but never went as far as to sleep with another woman. I’d be rightfully ticked off in her situation but grateful that he came to me so that we could work on it.

    That being said, the fact that you’re still considering cheating on her makes me want to puke. My husband shook his head the entire time I read him your first 2 paragraphs. Grow a pair and be a man. Not an immature little boy chasing skirt behind your loyal wife. Sickening.

  9. Sarah
    Sarah January 9, 2015 at 4:21 pm | | Reply

    Like Cheryl I just can’t understand you taking the time to decide whether you want to have an affair or not, I’ve never heard something quite pathetic. Then to try to make out you have a sensitive side as ‘you couldn’t go through with it’. Your long decision process and planning show the dissatisfaction with your life and the disgusting person you are.

    I’m also unsure why your Chinese background or intercultural marriage have anything to do with this, and why you would want to post on this website, unless to provoke angry responses from readers. Perhaps you wish to set yourself apart from the Chinese men who tend to pursue extramarital ‘affairs’ in the form of prostitutes or by becoming a sugar daddy, which is more typical in China – do you only had to pay for one expensive dinner, does that make you feel special?

    I think transferring your guilt to your wife is extremely cowardly, you feel so disgusted with yourself that you would rather pass the responsibility to your wife to decide the appropriate punishment, and relieve yourself. Although I feel very sorry that she married such a man, to tell her would be selfish.

    If you are genuinely looking for advice, then I would advise counselling/therapy and taking a good look at yourself to see if you can salvage something of your life, otherwise your family may be better off without you.

    1. Linda
      Linda January 9, 2015 at 10:11 pm | | Reply

      bravo! well said!

  10. Gill
    Gill January 9, 2015 at 6:31 pm | | Reply

    You really blew it,”Mr. Fortunate.” If I was your wife I’d rather know what kind of man I had committed by heart and soul to.

    I am aware of a Chinese man who is cheating on his unsuspecting foreign girlfriend. She’s exceptionally naïve and has no clue that her first serious boyfriend has cheated on her with multiple partners. He is willing to continue living abroad to be with this girl and took her to meet his parents in China. So why bother when he can’t even remain faithful to her? The mind boggles.

    To me fidelity is very, very important. I would break up with my Chinese boyfriend in an instant if I found out he was unfaithful. How difficult is it to keep it in your pants? Was the ‘thrill’ worth it?

  11. Anon
    Anon January 9, 2015 at 7:54 pm | | Reply

    You are pretty sexist, too, with all of your talk of “conquering” women. Eww. Your wife must be so proud.

  12. truth
    truth January 9, 2015 at 8:28 pm | | Reply

    Dude don’t be stupid. Don’t say anything. Deny deny deny. Unless you want to get a divorce you keep your mouth shut, else your wife will potentially leave you. Just love her better. This may or may not happen again but the consequences of telling her the risks outweigh the benefits. Don’t be thinking you are having a moral breakthrough because this will be the biggest mistake of your life and even if your wife does forgive you, you will never hear the end of it. If you think you have it bad now just wait until you tell her.

  13. Laura
    Laura January 9, 2015 at 9:02 pm | | Reply

    I kind of have the feeling that I know who wrote this. Or at least, he writes in a very similar way to the two people I have in mind.
    Always trying to show off about conquers, money, success…

    Anyway, is hilarious that you choose to be called Mr.Fortunate, I wonder if your wife thinks she is fortunate.

  14. truth
    truth January 9, 2015 at 9:14 pm | | Reply

    Dude, I’m telling you now think about your kids. Normally I wouldn’t give you this advice but for the sake of your family and children do not tell your wife

    Just remember to be a good father and husband from now on if you are truly sorry. You can’t undo your actions but this is how you deal with it for the most minimal damage. Your ego is clouding your judgement.

  15. Susan Blumberg-Kason
    Susan Blumberg-Kason January 9, 2015 at 9:53 pm | | Reply

    I totally agree with Jocelyn about how there is probably something wrong with the marriage besides just wanting to be validated as a middle age man. It’s great you didn’t go through with it and commit adultery. This experience should be used as a lesson learned. Once you cheat, you can’t go back to the way things were before. The guilt, the trust, etc. Your wife will find out whether or not you tell her. And your kids will have a poor example and could follow in your footsteps. I’ve seen that happen when grown children of cheaters make a point not to cheat. They sometimes still do because it’s what they saw in their parent(s). Good luck.

    1. Linda
      Linda January 9, 2015 at 10:08 pm | | Reply

      “Once you cheat, you can’t go back to the way things were…”, It’s already cheating to me… kissing, seeing another woman naked, and touching her private parts… come on.

  16. Linda
    Linda January 9, 2015 at 10:05 pm | | Reply

    OK. You should ask yourself a few questions here.
    1. Do you still love your wife?
    2. Would you want to separate/divorce?
    3. Would you be OK if you saw your kids only every other weekend, or if worse, not at all?

    If you lost love for your wife and that’s why you cheat you should be honest to YOURSELF. What do YOU want that makes you happy? If you don’t want to be with your wife anymore, that’s sad, but that’s OK. Everyone deserves to be happy and divorce is a common thing.

    HOWEVER, if you can’t imagine being without your wife, your kids, move out of the house, etc. then maybe you should consider counseling.

    And then the other thing is to figure out whether or not you are just one of those men who experience a mid-life crisis. You like the thought of having sex with another woman, a YOUNGER woman. At least younger than your wife. Imagine if your wife had thoughts like this and would do what you do. How would you feel?

    You said that you actually regret what you did and you couldn’t really go through with it when you saw your photos etc. but, seriously, since you are asking the second question at the end (If I remain silent, should I do it again with the same woman or another woman…), it’s clear to me that you don’t regret what you did and you haven’t learned your lesson.

    Do you love your wife? Do you want to make things right? If yes, keep your pants on and grow a pair and be a MAN. You need to find out what it is you really want. Don’t experiment and hurt other peoples feelings. What would your children say if they knew what you did?

    Just imagine the two scenarios: You together with your wife and kids, or you with a younger chick and great new sexual experiences. What would you choose?

  17. truth
    truth January 9, 2015 at 10:44 pm | | Reply

    Women don’t give sound advice. They are just telling you how they would react if they were your wife. Many women kiss but don’t tell. Your friend Mary is perfect example of how women who cheat act and I can guarantee you that many are like that and her husband will never know. Read women’s infidelity by Michelle Langley part 1 and 2.. Dude unless u keep doing it.again your wife.will.never know. Even if she thinks she finds out you deny it. There will never be any evidence and your life will be better for it. Trust me. The truth hurts but I’m.actually saving your marriage and life. You will lose everything and you will.hate yourself if you tell her. She will make you regret it.

  18. Bruce
    Bruce January 9, 2015 at 10:52 pm | | Reply

    You should not tell your wife and don’t find another younger woman again period! This kind of feeling that you need to control is a sickness within you. It’s a disease. It’s very hard to control this temptation but you have to by being active with other hobbies. I think you should ask your wife to dress sexy and have wild sex again. Mr Fortunate, let’s say you went thru with that affair, I bet you that you would still want another affair. It’s a disease . Once you have sex with that woman, I don’t think the excitement is there anymore seriously. You can sleep with 10 women during your marriage . After a while, same S**T!!

  19. truth
    truth January 9, 2015 at 11:03 pm | | Reply

    Bruce, well said..humans aren’t meant to be monogamous anyways..
    However, he made his vows so he should.remember that and respect them. Don’t be an idiot and keep your mouth shut. Treat your wife well and love her. She will.appreciate that.. Everyone makes mistakes but how you deal with them will make all the difference.

  20. truth
    truth January 9, 2015 at 11:03 pm | | Reply

    The only person he should be honest with is himself.

  21. Bruce
    Bruce January 9, 2015 at 11:04 pm | | Reply

    Mr Fortunate, I think you are not adventurous in your bedroom with your wife and I’m serious here. LOL change sex positions more often dude! I had many chances to cheat in the past but I didn’t do it. I had to control this evil feeling by being fit and active.. It’s hard to fight this feeling and I understand very well. Even right now, I’m fighting it. It’s a lifelong battle dude. good luck! You had to find women to cheat but women talks to me .

  22. truth
    truth January 9, 2015 at 11:20 pm | | Reply

    He should have done it with whores. But I don’t think it has to do with sex. More that he wanted something new. It’s actually natural.

  23. IC
    IC January 10, 2015 at 12:10 am | | Reply

    “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”

    Shakespeare quote.

    Scientifically, male animals intinct to amplify their DNA.

  24. Dan
    Dan January 10, 2015 at 1:00 am | | Reply

    I really enjoyed the post. The author has opened up himself quite honestly. Men and women do view the whole thing differently. Let’s face it.

    Showtime has just produced a TV series called “The Affair”. I like it for two reasons:
    1. The show has two narratives to tell the story – the man’s and the woman’s. It describes how each sex looks and remembers the same situation. We are all biased by our own selfishness in that sense. Check the show out, Mr. Fortunate.

    2. The show asks the question when an affair is accepted. It is for you to judge on your own. You do need to consider your children’s well-being.

    I can’t say I agree with the motives for Mr. Fortunate to try an affair. I suggest you sort the inner conflicts yourself and focus on other aspects of your life to feel good about yourself. If sex is an issue in your marriage, you need to work it out with your wife. If she is open to experiments, there are options to do so.

    I don’t think you want to tell your wife about it. It is a selfish act for your redemption, but it hurts her and your family. Bear the burden alone would be wise.

    I have a feeling the rate for conducting affairs are converging between men and women in US. China is a different story.

  25. Marion
    Marion January 10, 2015 at 1:13 am | | Reply

    Bro, don’t tell your wife or things will never be the same again. Have a fling on the side if you must, and get out before you get attached, if you are generally content with your marriage.

  26. IC
    IC January 10, 2015 at 1:26 am | | Reply

    For men, loving one woman does negate loving for other women.

    In islamic countries or old fashion mormonism , one man can love multiple women with polygamy.

    If it is legal for polygamy, many wealthy men rather keep their first married wifes than divorce them to have younger wifer later. Taking care of first love to the end.

  27. Dan
    Dan January 10, 2015 at 3:21 am | | Reply

    I dare to say a woman who has a high sex drive has harder time to be faithful. Some urges are biological. There are moral or religious reason for people to stay true to their partners. I don’t simply condemn people for cheating. There should be some boundary if you have to do it.

    For Christ’s sake, leave the being Chinese part out of it. It is not something unique for Chinese in general.

  28. D
    D January 10, 2015 at 5:24 am | | Reply

    1) Should I confess to my wife about the affair and take the consequences or should I remain silent?

    Silent. DONT DESTROY your life, your marriage and your family over nothing. You couldn’t get it up. You had naughty intentions but bailed, there is no future relationship here. Your wife will not be so logical or understanding.

    2) If I remain silent, should I do it again with the same woman or another woman so as to get the long sought after fulfillment which I did not get due to my pitifulness, or should I simply quit while I am already ahead?

    Quit. Same woman? Now you’re dreaming and insane.
    Go find an escort (carefully) if you need to get something out of you system.
    Know mid life crisis happens to many of us but dont leap off the edge.

  29. Rdm
    Rdm January 10, 2015 at 11:38 am | | Reply

    I won’t tell the adventure, be it mesmerizing or evil, just keep that memory in your memory grave forever. Just think of it like it had NEVER happened. Even mentioning it to one of your best friends wouldn’t make them see you better than they are. Guys like to brag about their sexual adventure. But deal with it, you have kids, and wife. Once you open a pandora box, there’s no going back. So either you’d bury that memory or let it out and live like you’re not going to be Mr. Fortunate anymore. You’d be living on the edge almost EVERY SINGLE DAY.

    It’s not only guys, women do that too. Now let’s take a look at the other side of the coin. Why “Mary” in the first place succumbed to the idea of “Going out with a guy from business”, considering she’s married, and has kids? Yes, it’s not fair to paint brush every women with “Mary” trait, but remember, it’s not also fair to take a big brush to paint every men as “Mr. Fortunate”.

    Let’s pause here for a while, take a step back, and ask yourself carefully.

    Would “Mary” confess to her husband that she went out with a guy from business, went to his house, stripped naked, spread her legs on his bed to be ready for sex? Think about it.

    I would take a lesson from this expedition.
    Be thankful for every single day that you are living as Mr. Fortunate, wake up, go to work, have a purpose for this life, i.e., your loving wife, and already established family, and kids.

    How about “Mary”? I’d say she would do the same thing too. She’d be careful in her next expedition too.

    We all have our fantasy. If we are 100% honest in our sexual fantasy, we’ll be living like hell in this world. There’d be no CIVIL society at all. Why we managed to sustain our society and eventually evolve into some functioning society is because of our social norms, etiquette, rules, and laws.

    Think about it. If every couple on this earth is 100% honest every time they are having sex, and confessing “Honey, I’m now fantasizing xxx, not you, although I’m using your body”, it works both way. Not only guys fantasize during sex, but women also explored the same fantasy too.

    Let’s just flip your whole article, written by Mary, and see what happens.

    For all women out there, sometimes, as a guy, I’d like to drop a line here that

    “Having sex and loving someone” is different.

  30. Rdm
    Rdm January 10, 2015 at 11:59 am | | Reply

    Just to be short,

    One time, I was flirted by a woman in my office (an American girl). She often came up to me and had a conversation. She even hugged me for sometimes.

    I know that she has a boyfriend and guess what? They are living together. But she just gave me all the signals guys think she’s attracted to me.

    Then one night during thanksgiving when her boyfriend was out of town for going away for his family, we had a gathering with a few others at her house. Since I’m relatively free at the time, I made an approach for a fling but to no avail.

    Guess what? Next day, she acted like I was not even in the office.

    Not trying to overrun your story, Mr. Fortunate, but just to let everyone here know that Women also try to test the waters. They like to check if their sexual youth is still there, attractiveness, hotness, etc etc.

    The only difference is how far they’re willing to go.

  31. Sveta
    Sveta January 10, 2015 at 4:10 pm | | Reply

    If I might say so, this article disgusted me. Personally, I think you should communicate or talk to your wife about being bored instead of doing what you did. I don’t mean confess that you almost cheated on her, but try to figure out why you want that particular thrill. If you’re a thrill seeker, then find other ways to satisfy the urge instead of doing something that can destroy people’s lives, or set new goals for yourself that don’t involve cheating. Also, there is such thing as role-playing where wigs and costumes and different personas can become involved…

  32. Gerald
    Gerald January 10, 2015 at 7:24 pm | | Reply

    Honestly, except for this apparently being an AMWF relationship, I wonder why it should even be given room here. And then to be connected to how “Chinese culture doesn’t condone…”

    The main issue that could perhaps be linked to a sociocultural background, in my opinion, is this notion of other men saying that it’s an important / necessary / interesting / … experience to have an affair.
    One could argue that such a kind of feeling of social pressure is/sounds more Chinese collectivist-culture than ‘American’ individualist-culture. That’s a tad facile, though, too.
    After all, it seems just as easy to explain things in terms of a boring marriage (as many are doing) or social class pressures (the whole thing about being fortunate and having it so good – and apparently, feeling a need to experience *everything*… for which the next logical step may be an angry divorce) or individual psychology.

    To me, it’s neither the social nor the cultural background that is the interesting thing here, but the individual-psychological. Neither do I really see a reason why an affair would be sought that is in “Mr. Fortunate”‘s own mind (other than “I really want to / think I should want to”), nor any serious expression of love to the wife and regret about the very idea.

    I don’t have advice for “Mr. Fortunate” – as I also commented on Facebook, the only thing I would venture to say there is “the guy is an idiot.”
    Sorry, but the time for advice / insight would have been before you manipulated a woman all the way to being naked on your and your wife’s bed (and the way this game of talking to that female client is described is creepily manipulative, right out of a PUA handbook – no matter if she was more than a little receptive to it).

    Oh, sure, it’s biological to fantasize; it’s normal(?) – not extraordinary, I mean – that affairs happen. It’s easy enough to stray when the opportunity presents itself. Which is exactly why being a serious partner, if both are so inclined, needs to mean being human enough to handle one’s biological urges.

    I think this is what makes this post so creepy.

    If it were just a description of an affair (as in: a misstep) asking for advice on what to do now, maybe especially because different cultural backgrounds may make for different reactions, it would read as not nice but more okay / understandable.

    The way it is all written/described, however, this is at the same time not a consummated affair (á Bill Clinton’s “I did not have sex with that woman”) *and* not a serious regret about having chased after another woman (if not women, more as an idea than anyone in particular).

    It’s all planned and possibly regretful at least as much over the affair as over its non-fulfillment, to the point where it sounds somewhat sociopathic.

    Yes, I have strong feelings about that.

  33. Sandeep
    Sandeep January 10, 2015 at 9:20 pm | | Reply

    A simple sex story spiced up by the author.It appears unreliable that he stopped at the niche of the moment and repented then and there only.

  34. Brutus Laurentius
    Brutus Laurentius January 11, 2015 at 1:16 am | | Reply

    I’m going to channel my inner a-hole for just a moment.

    Most people who are monogamous … remain monogamous for the exact same reason that those who are celibate remain celibate: no other alternative.

    I acknowledge that there ARE men and women who, in spite of the greatest temptation of hyper-attractive members of the opposite sex throwing themselves at them with credible promises of anonymity, remain absolutely monogamous or celibate due to very powerful self control in service to a higher value system.

    There are probably a dozen. lol That paragraph is just there to cover my a–. Now, let’s get real because — as I was saying — I’m channeling my inner a-hole.

    Most who are monogamous or chaste have never been seriously tested.

    There could be many reasons they have not been tested.

    1. Most people of either sex can remain monogamous easily for about 4 years. Testing during that time is usually passed easily because they still have infatuation for their partner causing a natural biological monogamy. But after 4 years? Please read Sperm Wars and Women’s Infidelity.

    2. We have a general gentleman’s/gentlewoman’s agreement not to seriously tempt people who are married/engaged/explicitly monogamous. So we choose not to tempt them. Out of the goodness of our hearts? Or because we are engaged in other pursuits anyway? Or because we don’t want a bad rep? They don’t have enough to offer unless single? Either way, most people honor explicit agreements of monogamy and don’t try to tempt.

    3. Some people just aren’t that attractive. Especially in these “secure” relationships a lot of people let themselves go to hell in every respect and become utterly non-attractive. About the only thing they could f— is a hooker — if they put cash on the barrelhead.

    Is that cynical of me? Maybe. Like I said — today is a-hole day. Lucky you.

    So folks who say “I have never cheated” and wish to sit in judgment …

    How long did you go without cheating? 4 years? 8 years? If you haven’t gone at least 4 years — *you have not been tested*.

    Have you ever had an incredibly attractive member of the opposite sex — AFTER the four mark — make it clear they were yours — without strings and without risk? If you turned them down the first two times, did you turn them down the third?

    Have you ever had such a person flirt with you in a million subtle ways … in a workplace, at a conference, in a class … again and again … KNOWN you could do it without being discovered … and resisted repeatedly?

    I bet VERY few people could say that. A few could. A handful. Less than 10%. MOST monogamous people stay monogamous simply because of a lack of serious temptation. Ditto with most chaste people. Hell, even within marriages somewhere near 70% (of both men and women) admit cheating. I’m sure it is higher among people who have shacked up for a decade, etc.

    Its one reason I laugh about all these MGTOW dudes who are trying to make chastity a virtue. LMFAO — they are trying to normalize the fact they CAN’T get laid. If a their dream girl sat on their lap and started kissing them … they’d be all done with their MGTOW chastity in about 3.5 seconds.

    You’re not monogamous because of virtue — you are monogamous because you weigh 300 lbs. The trouble is that your wife is NOT.

    Okay — I support the institution of social monogamy (as opposed to biological monogamy which is a myth) BECAUSE I believe it is how you create stable families with a proper environment for kids.

    But now I am going to unleash ULTRA a-hole MODE.

    Monogamy means one man, one woman FOR LIFE. That is all it means, and the ONLY thing it means.

    “Social monogamy” is a polite agreement to prevent embarrassment and maintain stability for the kids while allowing inter-generational transfer of wealth. It is not monogamy.

    Any word you put in front of the word “monogamy” in order to modify it changes it to something other than monogamy!

    If a woman has a kid with one man, divorces him, then has a kid with another man … she has NOT been monogamous. She would call it “serial monogamy.” But in a BIOLOGICAL sense (i.e. here in the real world) it is indistinguishable from polygamy.

    The woman does it serially because she can only carry kids from one man at a time anyway. There is no reason why this should be privileged to be seen as “monogamy” and as if she hasn’t “cheated.” Unless she stays, for life, with the very first man she voluntarily f-ed she is being polygamous.

    A man’s biology is somewhat different so he could impregnate more than one woman at a time. But biologically (i.e. here in the real world), the results of his multiple partners are no different — whether taken serially or concurrently.

    We do not have a system where women’s lifetime fidelity is enforceable.

    There is no scientific or biological basis why a woman’s SERIAL monogamy/polygamy/infidelity should be seen as somehow morally respectable and a man’s CONCURRENT monogamy/polygamy/infidelity should not.

    I am not, by the way, advocating or prescribing anything. Just giving some food for thought while in a crappy mood. lol

  35. George
    George January 11, 2015 at 2:40 pm | | Reply

    I would say “Neven Condone Extramarital Affairs, No Execuse”

  36. Gina
    Gina January 12, 2015 at 9:45 pm | | Reply

    My advice is tell your wife, because this is not only your choice. Your wife might not want to stay with you after this, and you owe her that at least to make that choice. But keeping it a secret, you are letting her live a lie. That is not fair on her at all. If you divorce, then yes it is a very hard consequence to face, but it is one that must be faced.

  37. Mr. Fotunate
    Mr. Fotunate January 13, 2015 at 8:33 am | | Reply

    I thank all the readers for your comments. I expected to get a big lambasting from many especially the female readers. I know what I did was very wrong but I cannot undo my mistake now.

    The advice from all readers was varied but I think that the advice of those such as Dan, Truth and Bruce who said not to tell but never repeat the affair is sound. I am in agreement that telling the wife will result in a probable divorce.

    My decision on my 2 questions is: 1) not to tell and 2) not to repeat an affair.

    Thank you.

  38. David
    David January 13, 2015 at 6:53 pm | | Reply

    Reminds me of the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love.

    Anyway, since we are talking about real life.

    1) Don’t say anything unless many years have passed and there is grass on the matter.

    2) If you don’t want to ruin your marriage, stop when you can. Adultery is an addicting drug.

  39. HopelessRomantic
    HopelessRomantic January 14, 2015 at 5:07 am | | Reply

    If the person I gave my time, adoration and love to, lied to me, was deceitful, and betrayed my trust (even if just in a moment of weakness), I would be so heartbroken, but despite that, I would still want to know the truth rather than be deceived.

  40. Fred
    Fred January 14, 2015 at 8:31 am | | Reply

    Wow! What a story! It is quite a shocking story. I hope that he will not do it again. As to whether he should tell his wife or not, he will have know if his wife is understanding or not. If she is not the type who is understanding and not so magnanimous, then he ought to not tell her. When in doubt, err on the side of caution and not tell her. But don’ tell/don’t repeat is sound advice.

  41. Holly Hollins
    Holly Hollins January 16, 2015 at 7:48 am | | Reply

    Mr. Fortunate,

    You could’ve possibly done something to spice up your romance with your wife. That’s one logical way.

    Do that instead of trying to do another affair.

    And probably telling your wife is a good idea. May not end well…but I wish you best of luck.

  42. Shawn
    Shawn January 16, 2015 at 11:43 pm | | Reply

    All the guys here: Don’t tell your wife!
    The women here: Tell your wife!

    Just a funny observation.

  43. SBC
    SBC January 17, 2015 at 12:45 am | | Reply

    I just wanted to point out to the poster about biology. People use evolutionary psychology very loosely to understand whether men and women are monogamous. Men could impregnate several, women can only carry one child, yada yada. Yes, but this applies to a very different time. The reasons for cheating and constraints on it in this world have NOTHING to do with survival of mankind by any means possible.

    In this world, cheating is a violation of contract. You entered into one willfully, made promises, then went back on it. In any other exchange, business or otherwise, a violation of terms leads to severe consequences. Why then, do we try to justify the worst type of violation?! Really? If I said to ever person who was defrauded : humans are selfish (which btw is a MUCH MORE established bio and psycholoigical fact than the humans arent monogamous bullshit); it happens, deal with it; would it automatically justify anything?

    To Mr Fortunate: The time for seeking advice would have been when you were seeking an extra martial affair. Tell your wife or not, both will weigh on your conscience. So either ways the result is the same for you really. But, if you are wondering what would be fair, you should tell her. It will likely ruin your marriage. But, it would be the right thing to do. Also, no matter what, speak to her about issues in your marriage. That way, you won’t get such weird ideas in the first place. Also, the way you went about it? Super creepy.

    Also, don’t do it again. This should be obvious. Women already have razor sharp senses about these things. Your wife may already suspect that something is amiss. Also in the age of internet, nothing is secret. Not even multiple e mail accounts (which almost sounds naive). And, if you feel like doing it again, consider this: Introduce your wife to some young, hot man, tell her you don’t love her. Aid her in finding someone now that she has spent her whole life building a family with someone who would cheat for kicks… then, when she moves on with this younger much hotter man, you can divorce her, split your assets, and chase tail as much as you want.

    There is nothing manly about pursuing women when you have a security of a relationship. Do it when single. Also be a man and set your affairs straight.

    All the men asking this guy to stay silent: Tell this to your wives and gfs too. So that next time they get tempted (and here I agree with someone else who said both men and women cheat), they can have their little flings, you know… just one naughty experience… and then go on playing devoted partners and make up for it by treating you right. It may be a pragmatic advice, but hiding and pretending nothing happened while keeping someone in dark is not saving them from heartbreak. It is pretentious and self obbsessed not to mention cowardly way of hanging on to something you absolutely dont deserve.

    So, Mr F my advice for to your questions is:

    1. Tell your wife. Then offer that you will overlook her transgressions, even help her if that is what will make her feel better. Or support your family and kids and split assets if she wants a divorce (she likely may not as there are kids involved).

    2. If you havent learnt a lesson and still want to do it again… well make sure Mrs Unfortunate is out of your life and happier elsewhere and then sure… you are single. Enjoy your mid life crisis as much as you want.

  44. Fred
    Fred January 17, 2015 at 2:39 am | | Reply

    @ Shawn.

    I noted the same observation that men advised not to tell but the ladies all said not to tell. I am curious though if the roles were reversed, would the advice be the same? That is, if the author of the above post were a woman who had the affair, would the female readers advise her to tell her husband and would the male readers advise her to keep silent.


  45. Dan
    Dan January 17, 2015 at 3:06 am | | Reply

    I think both men and women readers would be leaning toward not to tell.

    If you do tell, which gender tends to be more forgiving-meaning not to file for divorce? I only know women initiate divorce more often.

  46. Dan
    Dan January 17, 2015 at 3:07 am | | Reply

    I forgot to add the condition is if the female party cheated in the above case.

  47. Shawn
    Shawn January 18, 2015 at 1:08 am | | Reply

    It’s funny that the headline says “Chinese culture doesn’t condone extramarital affairs”, since Chinese society, though very conservative in its family values, is at the same time also very patriarchal. This means that the social consensus is more forgiving towards men than towards women. Some businessmen and politicians even regard having a xiao san (the third person, the lover) as a status symbol.

  48. forest
    forest January 20, 2015 at 10:13 am | | Reply

    Don’t do it. If you did then don’t tell.

    Be man enough to keep it to yourself until you die.

  49. Michelle
    Michelle January 23, 2015 at 6:33 am | | Reply

    “She drank alcohol but I did not. I refrained from drinking any alcohol not only because I do not drink it, but also because I wanted my mental and physical abilities to be at their best to be able to seduce her.”

    Am I the only one extremely disturbed by that line? As well as the part where she announced that she was “sooo drunk” and then he proceeded to get physical with her?

  50. Pat
    Pat February 7, 2015 at 1:19 am | | Reply

    I agree with Michelle, I felt very disturbed by those lines! As well as the rest of the story…

    First, this man says he feels remorse about what he did, yet he is asking if he should continue with his pursue for another affair (maybe “complete” affair)… there is something wrong there. And it’s not that he met a woman and accidentally felt something for her, this man planned to have and affair, then tried with many women, until it happend, and it was “Mary”, but it could have been “Jane”, or some other. It sounds so cold and calculating! Even if then he tries to justify himself saying that his friends suggest him to look for an affair, as if that would reduce his fault.

    After reading this, I have the impression that this man has quite a big problem at home. He describes himself as mr Fortunate, but he doesn’t mention any kind of feeling towards the family, only things that are most of all related with money or appearance : he has a great profession, he is recognized in society, almost debt free, a house that he payed, good finance, good health, comfortable lifestile, beautiful western wife and mixed children… but not a single word about having a good time with them, loving them or whatever. I think that this man only thinks about himself, I feel sorry for his wife!

  51. Bruce
    Bruce February 7, 2015 at 3:19 am | | Reply

    Let me repeat again. This is a disease and very hard to cure it unless you find other hobbies. Most men get bored after having sex with the same women . A boring and sexless life at home can contribute to affairs. Be more adventurous in the bedroom and maybe that’ll help .

  52. Fred
    Fred February 7, 2015 at 8:22 am | | Reply

    @ Bruce.

    Way to go, Bruce. You tell those girls above. Go for the adventure.

  53. Bruce
    Bruce February 8, 2015 at 4:58 am | | Reply


    Do you think so? Do you get bored when you eat lobster and steak every single night? How come it tastes so good when you eat mustard green once in a while? Same thing with sex. You need to switch things around. Sometimes, I ‘ve noticed some women are so sexy and beautiful for one week but other weeks they don’t look like that anymore.

  54. Kai
    Kai February 8, 2015 at 7:23 pm | | Reply

    This guy is a shame to all East Asian men. I’m surprised this isn’t some white male troll trying to get women to hate East Asian men even more. If I were a judge I’d sentence this a-hole to wu ma fen shi or death by being pulled apart by 5 horses.

    Despicable cheating piece of lowlife sh_t.

    Asian men like this only make it worse for the rest of us Asian men in the world who want a beautiful, loyal wife who is as loyal to us as we are to the woman.

    If you think you are doing your Asian brothers a favor by “conquering” another non-Asian woman and betraying your non-Asian wife, you are not.

    Maybe if you had an Asian wife who wished to cheat on you with a white guy (as I imagine most Asian men with Asian wives have), then your actions would be slightly justified since Asian women are the most self hating and despicable group out there.

    But man, oh man, you are no better.

  55. Kai
    Kai February 8, 2015 at 7:28 pm | | Reply

    If the storywriter guy wants to have sex so much and I think subconsciously wants to get back at the white patriarchy/white supremacist system, maybe he should go around banging college age white girls instead of screwing up a perfectly good marriage with a white woman who took a huge risk being with him.

    Think about how much hatred the white woman received from not just white men but all non-Asian men for dating and even marrying an Asian man. He should be thankful this white woman doesn’t cheat on him or cuckold him, especially since western women are more likely to do so due to the low/non-existant value of East Asian men in western society.

    And here he is screwing it up and acting just like the usual white guy who thinks of women as a hole to dump sperm in and nothing more. Asian men are supposed to be better than this.

    The only time this guy would have had justification to cheat was if the wife cheated first. Otherwise, this guy is just a lowlife. And his fellow non-Asian American male friends were clearly trying to make trouble and mess with his life. He isn’t wise enough to see it. SMH.

  56. Bruce
    Bruce February 9, 2015 at 6:08 am | | Reply

    A divorce will cost you an arm and a leg pal !! You’ll be ruin financially and I’m serious. This is America my friend!! My advice to all you people out is to stay married! Who doesn’t want to be single and date 3-6 women at one time or sleep with 6 women at one time but you will be very lonely w/o love. If you want to be a player for life, just don’t get married period. It’s not cheap being a player either. You think women will pay for your meals, vacations etc? You must be dreaming man. At the end, every woman will want you to be with her or to marry her unless you keep on moving to new targets all the time. Prove me wrong here.

  57. Fred
    Fred February 11, 2015 at 3:36 am | | Reply

    @ Kai & Bruce.

    I have read your criticism and condemnation of Mr. Fortunate’s actions. Although they are are harsh and well deserved, you have not provided any solution to the problem at hand. Now that he did the unthinkable by cheating on his wife and received resounding condemnation from all, what should he do about his current situation? Should he tell his wife and face the consequences? I think that he should not tell and not do it again ever. He should adopt the view: don’t tell, don’t repeat.

    I am in agreement with you that his actions were not prudent. But just spewing condemnation after condemnation does very little. Perhaps Bruce is right that the woman was equally to blame for her actions. After all, it does take 2 to do the tango.

  58. Bruce
    Bruce February 13, 2015 at 12:13 am | | Reply


    My answer will be don’t tell the wife and don’t do it again. You’ll get caught sooner or later. You’ll see what I mean really soon.

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