Guest Post: Crying Over Him After 5 & A Half Years | Speaking of China

23 Responses

  1. Lin R.
    Lin R. March 2, 2017 at 7:18 am | | Reply

    Oh my gosh, that is so sad! My heart is just breaking for you. I so wish you could get in touch with him, and tell him you two were really meant to be.

  2. Svetlana
    Svetlana March 2, 2017 at 7:38 am | | Reply

    So sad, I can relate to it a bit. I wish I could say it will go away, but I would be lying…

  3. Louise
    Louise March 2, 2017 at 9:40 am | | Reply

    Such a bittersweet, beautiful story. Thank you for sharing this.

  4. Gerald Uy
    Gerald Uy March 2, 2017 at 10:57 pm | | Reply

    I feel for you. 5 years and a half is quite some time and you still remember him. You really fell for this Asian guy, he is so lucky, I wish things turned out the way that you want to for both of you. Anyway crying is good for the soul. I wish for your healing and recovery, who knows you might bumped into one another someday and if that day comes I wish he would be happy to see you again.

  5. Amanda
    Amanda March 3, 2017 at 3:07 am | | Reply


    Such a sad and beautiful sorry. I can really relate to it as I was in the same situation before. I hope you stay strong. Please be fine, I know you can.
    Stay safe dear xx

  6. MK
    MK March 3, 2017 at 5:03 am | | Reply

    My heart bleeds.

    This is just another where have all the good men gone type post.

    There is or rather was a good man who you declined and immediately put into the friend zone in preference for somebody else.

    Yet now you regret your choice and you try play victim when you put yourself into those boots?

    You’re almost saying as if Asian men are your backup or something you settle for in case your first choice doesn’t work our. Gee what a way to dehumanise us even more.

  7. Rick Zhang
    Rick Zhang March 3, 2017 at 5:23 am | | Reply

    The wounds are probably fresh, but to an outside observer (who can relate!) you’re still early in the grieving process. Life and love don’t always have happy endings. Sometimes when we’re so fixated on a person we think that person is the “one” and fall into a mental trap. The truth is you did have a great connection with this guy, but your mind chose to only remember the happy moments and fantasize about the potential future together. You’ll get over him (aided by a period of no contact) and develop a connection with someone else, guaranteed. This is not the end of the world.

    At the same time, with Asian men you have to take the initiative a bit. I know you say that you could not have been clearer with your signals of interest, but he did tell you that he still thought you weren’t interested. You literally have to take the initiative of asking him out on a date and even initiating the kiss sometimes.

  8. lee
    lee March 5, 2017 at 4:59 pm | | Reply

    As a asian american guy, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask her out. But I understand my asian brothers from the motherland. The dating culture is different , and on top of that theirs the fact that for them they probably think white women wouldn’t even give them a chance.

  9. Chinese from Toronto
    Chinese from Toronto March 5, 2017 at 10:28 pm | | Reply

    So sorry to hear your story. I’m sure it’s hurting as much as it hurts you. I was in a stituation like this before 25 years ago and every time I see someone like that girl it makes me feel really sad in spite of how long it has been. First, it has to do with the way we were brought up. In Chinese culture, if a girl has a boyfriend we are taught to stay away because we don’t want be a thief. It is the philosophy that if one had a girlfriend, one would not want someone to steal from us either. The second reason is the environment in North America. We often see how Chinese guys are portrayed negatively by the media, so it usually takes a while for them to develop the courage to ask a white girl out. With already a lower self esteem, failure would only make it worse. So it takes the Chinese guy much longer to warm up before he can ask the white girl out. He wants to ensure that he stands a chance before he asks.

  10. Shaun of the derpt
    Shaun of the derpt March 6, 2017 at 11:26 am | | Reply

    Clearly neither of you know what you were doing, he much more so than you. I still feel you, as someone who’d been there and done that.

    A very wise prof of mine once said:
    “Even forlorn lovers who are separated by force do not die of love denial… Not all unrequited love leads to depression (it can produce a wry sense of humour).” But you have to put your mind to it.

    I’d say one truly happy relationship is enough to redeem yourself of this and all past failures. And when that happens, you’ll know.

    Good luck & enjoy Japan!

  11. Holly Hollins
    Holly Hollins March 9, 2017 at 12:32 am | | Reply

    缘分 yuanfen is such a funny thing sometimes. I can relate to this story in some ways. I had my best guy friend that I cried about for three years. He didn’t want to try to be with me when we had many opportunties to be together. In fact, he wanted me to wait 8 years! (Still 3 or so years, but I don’t think we’ll end up together.)

    I cried about a Chinese guy I never met until last year. We had 6+ years of friendship that ended because I wanted it to end ( he has a girlfriend for about two years now and I decided it’s not worth it.)

    I just wanted to let you know you’re not the only one who has had so much pain inflicted upon them for loving someone at the wrong time. Much love

  12. ManilaMemories
    ManilaMemories March 21, 2017 at 10:33 am | | Reply

    This reminds me of an old Chow Yun-Fat movie “Hong Kong 1941…..The girl clearly wanted him, but Chow’s best friend was in love with her, so Chow stepped out of the way….And the film ended in typical heroic fashion (for CYF, that is….) He is on a refugee boat fleeing Hong Kong with his friend and the girl when a Japanese navy ship intercepts them (this was about the time of World War II, after all) and CYF does the only “decent” thing….He detonates an explosive (thereby killing himself) on the Japanese vessel insuring that his friend and the girl they both love, are able to flee to safety….I don’t know, but I can identify much more easily with a guy who decides to forgo romance so as not to harm an existing friendship…..But the woman could never forget him…Especially as the movie begins with her many years later, reminiscing about the past….The way I see it, it’s all about “doing the right thing,” and sometimes, it’s not about being with someone…..

  13. ManilaMemories
    ManilaMemories March 21, 2017 at 11:13 am | | Reply

    Yeah, I am rereading this where he says, ““But I respect your boyfriend. I like him. He is a good man and you seem happy with him, I’m not going to talk to you anymore after today. We shouldn’t be friends. I had fun together though.”

    I dunno, but that really resonates with me cuz I could I could see myself saying the same thing to a girl, even if I had feelings for her and I felt that her existing BF was a “good guy,” even if I didn’t know him that well, except by reputation….

    And I don’t see that type of response as necessarily an “Asian male” thing….

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