Guest Post: I Got Divorced in China, and What Happened in My Marriage Is More Common Than You Realize | Speaking of China

12 Responses

  1. Jesterleigh
    Jesterleigh January 18, 2018 at 5:20 pm | | Reply

    Goodness, you’re gorgeous… I understand why you’d be cynical about the idea of love and romance after what you’ve been through but I hope you haven’t given up on finding love. One of the reasons that white women appeal to (some) Chinese men is that in you girls Chinese men see true romantics who do not care about how much money they make or whether they own an apartment. The worst thing you can do is become the stereotypical gold-digging Chinese woman who regards marriage as nothing more than a business transaction.

  2. Jesterleigh
    Jesterleigh January 21, 2018 at 11:10 am | | Reply

    Yeah, “gold-digging” is probably not the right word, but it is a word that is often used to refer to Chinese women who are also just seeking financial security for themselves. I understand the need to protect yourself financially, but my suggestion is that demanding a house and a car upfront is not the way to approach a relationship. If you want security of any kind in a relationship, the trick is to find a guy who you can trust, someone who, even in the event that the relationship breaks down, won’t screw you over — and this would apply to all men, not just Chinese men.

    When you impose a financial or material demand on a relationship as the basic condition you poison it, and essentially turn it into a business transaction, no matter what the motive behind such a demand is. And what if the guy is perfect in every way but cannot afford a house and a car to give to you; do you then dismiss him as ineligible or unworthy of your love? I’m probably being very naive here but I’m assuming that the goal is to find true love, and I would hope that this is not an unrealistic goal.

  3. Chinese Guy
    Chinese Guy January 22, 2018 at 1:23 pm | | Reply

    Gold-diggers exist in the west, but it is just so plain obvious in China. Marriage is a negotiation in China, almost making you reminiscent of the era of the arranged marriage. I don’t think Chinese women don’t crave “free” love. They are taught to become rational in order not to sell themselves short. For the benefit of the bargain, Chinese women hope to secure their better future. However, there is no guarantee, but you can take that chance. It is often better than the alternative.
    It is up to the individuals to define their own marriages. What works for them is nobody else’s business.

    When the stories of sexual harassment are making waves in American media, China is silent on the issue. Call it a cultural relativism that men have an upper hand in the bargain in China. Once you have money, you can buy love and your mistresses. A relationship is always a power play.

    To give up your personal integrity for one failed marriage or an international partner seems a big price to pay. Cheating always has its victim. Time will tell who would that be.

    If a Chinese women want to demand a house before she marries, she probably knows EXACTLY what she wants from the relationship. How boring.

  4. BRUCE
    BRUCE January 29, 2018 at 1:18 am | | Reply

    I’m so sorry about the divorce. I remember her wedding 5 yrs ago and she looked so beautiful on her wedding day. I really don’t care what you guys think here but having a mistress is the dumbest thing to do seriously!! First of all, that mistress knew that her ex-husband was a married man. Secondly, this mistress only wants financial gains. Third, there are 1.4 billion chinese men in china and she can’t even find a man who is good enough ? Why would a stupid man wants to leave his beautiful, successful, wife for another woman who is a leech ? Her ex husband was drawn on lust and naive. It’s hard to resist temptation . “Some” women will throw themselves on a married man ,too and I almost became a victim. Yup so be careful !

  5. Carla
    Carla February 8, 2018 at 4:51 am | | Reply

    Sorry about your divorce. I’ve been dating a chinese guy myself, but im about to break up. I feel so bad, cause he is such a nice guy. But its so hard, considering his cultural backroud – he has to take care of his parents. I dont want to stay in China after my studies, so we kinda agreed that the future is in a fog. Meanwhile we tell each other- enjoy every day together till we can. Now i have spent some time at home, and im coming back to china for New year’s. Originally i planned to stay with his family, but over the time spent at home – i made up my mind. I got to this point where i feel we need to end up our relationship. We have been together for over a year now, and it was even in the autumn where i wanted to break up but i wasnt 100% sure, he knew that. Thing got back to our good stereotypes back then. But now, i feel its really the time. I cant be in a relationship without a possible future. I dont want to be in China, he doesnt speak english- so it would be very hard to find job in my country. plus he is supposed to take care of his parents. Once i reliazed this, i kinda blocked myself, in intimate moments. I cant just have fun, while knowing these things. Also i feel so tired to date a foreign guy, its so tiring to always explain things i like, people, music, movies, he never heard about. Even though my chinese is not bad, its often tiring to explain my feelings and thoughts. . .
    The cruel thing is im coming back just before the celebrations…im supposed to have a dinner with his family, i dont know what to do. i feel like i need to tell him right away… do you, guys, have any advice for me?

  6. Chinese Guy
    Chinese Guy February 11, 2018 at 12:53 am | | Reply

    Obviously, honesty is the best way for both of you. To make it easier for the chinese guy (advice from another chinese guy), I would suggest not be so direct. Let me explain. You probably do not want to say things like:
    1. I am sorry I don’t see a future in our relationship because of your culture and our conflict because of it.
    2. I am sorry I can’t handle the fact you need to take care your parents. BTW, there is nothing wrong with doing that.
    3. I am sorry I feel tired because of the cultural differences.

    It is much easier to “lie” about your true feelings for his sake. Say something like:

    1. I need to go home because I can’t live in China longer.
    2. My feelings toward you have changed since we are apart.
    3. I don’t want to take care of your parents.
    4. I want to find someone who shares my cultural background.

    If you go to the family dinner, show all your appreciations. Tell the guy before the dinner and ask him what he thinks if you should go to the dinner. If he tries to change your mind, don’t go to the dinner.

    I think many women (chinese or western) are all pretty good at “lying” when they end a relationship with someone. lol

  7. Carla
    Carla February 11, 2018 at 6:08 pm | | Reply

    Thanks to you both!

    For your advices on what to say:
    My feelings toward you have changed since we are apart.
    I don’t want to take care of your parents.
    I want to find someone who shares my cultural background.

    these are not even lies!

    Gosh, its so awkward. I know my decision is correct, but the timing is sooo wrong. Valentine’s day and Chinese new year..

  8. BRUCE
    BRUCE February 12, 2018 at 5:57 am | | Reply

    Carla,

    Just tell him that you guys are not fit for each other anymore. If he’s a strong guy like me , he’ll get over it and move on with his life. It’s not about taking care of his parents seriously. You mean in America we still don’t have to take care of our parents ? Yes we do! so don’t go to his dinner and don’t tell him in his face. Just call him or write an email to him. Some sissy men can’t handle a break up in person . An independent man recovers very fast from a break up.

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