Guest Post: She Broke My Heart and Saved My Life - the Cheerio Girl Story | Speaking of China

45 Responses

  1. R Zhao
    R Zhao January 15, 2016 at 8:56 am | | Reply

    “A lie isn’t necessarily a manipulation as much as an agreement. To be lied to, you have to believe the lie.” Oh man, that is the painful truth.

    This might be my favorite fenshou I’ve read on here. It’s a classic break-up story and I love the way you told it. I can’t believe she had you moved to Buffalo and then admitted to it all. I suppose she, like you, really wanted to believe that it could somehow work. That somehow things hadn’t changed and you were still the couple you had once been. I don’t know if I want to know. . . but. . . did you see her again?

    1. Ning
      Ning January 15, 2016 at 12:01 pm | | Reply

      Thank you for the kind words! There’s a lot more to the story hahahaha if there is enough interest I’d love to write part 2 for you guys

  2. Holly Hollins
    Holly Hollins January 15, 2016 at 11:34 am | | Reply

    Most of this story I related so well to…minus the dating part. It’s more of the fighting and the on and off sort of issues.

    I’ve always wanted to tell the story about Ruan Xiansheng (阮先生), he’s my best guy friend, Vietnamese….(yes, I know Ruan Xiansheng doesn’t sound Viet, but it’s his name when I talk about him to my Chinese friends.)

    Anyways, I’ve known Ruan Xiansheng since our freshman year in high school. He confessed to me if he was to pick a girlfriend, he’d choose me. Now, at the time, I was an 18 year old hopeless romantic girl who just had this stupid belief that we’re supposed to be together…and that he was supposed to be my first everything.
    oh I was wrong. He said he doesn’t want to date now. So for me it was almost 3 years of ups and downs and me almost ruining our friendship multiple times because I wanted him to be with me. But of course, no dating for him. He didn’t want to. So why confess to someone you would date them and not act on it? -sigh-

    Flash forward 4 years later after his confession, my life is good, he’s still my best friend, I view him more as a platonic friend than ever a romantic partner if that ever happens…which it won’t. Because not going back on that, I’m moving forward.
    I’m glad you did, Ning.

    Sometimes you learn your lessons the hard way, and sometimes you have to learn it twenty times over. 🙁

    1. Ning
      Ning January 15, 2016 at 12:07 pm | | Reply

      It’s so true, human nature is sometimes a cruel dictator. I’m glad you’re moving forward, it’s the best way to move 🙂

      3 years… that sounds so painful. Ouchies.

      Yeah, when it was happening it was very up and down, up and down. It just felt like I didn’t have my hands on the steering wheel.

      I’m sure most people know the feeling…

  3. Constance - Foreign Sanctuary
    Constance - Foreign Sanctuary January 15, 2016 at 11:58 am | | Reply

    I guess it is better you found out sooner rather than later. However, it would have been nice if she had provided the information before you packed up everything and moved.

    And I am wondering the same thing as R Zhao – Did you ever see her again?

    1. Ning
      Ning January 15, 2016 at 12:09 pm | | Reply

      Definitely true. I did in fact, see her again. She actually came to visit Colorado out of the blue…

      It’s a crazy story, and I didn’t tell all of it because I was trying to be mindful of space, but if there’s enough interest I’d be happy to write out the rest of the story.

  4. Marion
    Marion January 15, 2016 at 7:28 pm | | Reply

    Please! Ning, great story, sorry you had to go through that. Please, please, tell us the rest!

    1. Ning
      Ning January 15, 2016 at 10:57 pm | | Reply

      hahahahaha okay, okay I will talk to Jocelyn about a follow-up

  5. Betty has a Panda
    Betty has a Panda January 15, 2016 at 9:46 pm | | Reply

    What she has done to you is definitely not correct, but don’t you think it’s unfair to the new girlfriend to just meet the old one out of the blue?

  6. Ning
    Ning January 15, 2016 at 10:59 pm | | Reply

    The “new girlfriend” and I were non-exclusive (her idea). And, I told her about it.

  7. Lena
    Lena January 15, 2016 at 11:23 pm | | Reply

    I love your story but not the end. When somebody hurts me like that they aren’t allowed back into my life again and I haven’t even tried it like you described your story. You must be strong or stupid, I’m not sure 🙂

    1. Ning
      Ning January 16, 2016 at 1:28 am | | Reply

      Hahahahaha probably both. I’ve long since forgiven her, but by no means does that mean that I’ll jump back on that rollercoaster again with her…

      1. Lena
        Lena January 16, 2016 at 9:43 pm | | Reply

        Haha you’re a bigger person than me. Maybe I need to grow up first but I get rid of everything bothering me. Maybe it’s because I’m just such an over thinker haha.. 🙂

  8. Richard
    Richard January 16, 2016 at 2:16 am | | Reply

    Loved this story. It really resonated with me personally too.

    A few thoughts:

    It was really a dick move on her part. Like you (though not as dramatically), I’ve learned that it’s best to move on, rebuild yourself, and become a better man. That way if/when she comes around again you can show her your new (more) confident self and the ways you’ve grown. Then, if she has any regrets and confesses that she was wrong to do whatever, you can turn around and smile wistfully and say, “You had your chance and blew it.”

    That is the sweetest revenge (if you care about that stuff).

    1. Ning
      Ning January 16, 2016 at 2:19 am | | Reply

      I find that the most motivating times for a man are when you are broken down and at your lowest point. Either desperation or inspiration are most often the mothers of change.

      The times I’ve grown the most are when I’ve been the lowest.

      As for revenge, like I said I’ve already forgiven her in my mind, and I only wish her the best.

  9. Susan Blumberg-Kason
    Susan Blumberg-Kason January 16, 2016 at 3:04 am | | Reply

    I was beginning to get worried about you, Ning, until I read your comments here. I’m glad you’re at peace with the situation. I’ve been in the same place and finally had to just let go. It was difficult for a long time, but I could never have met someone who could give me his full attention until I let go of unhealthy relationships. I can’t wait to hear your Part 2!

    1. ning
      ning January 16, 2016 at 8:55 am | | Reply

      I’m touched you were worrying about me hahahah no I’m all good, I’m in an exclusive, loving relationship of 6 months right now 🙂 Thanks for the good words!

  10. AG
    AG January 16, 2016 at 4:23 am | | Reply

    Most Asian guys suffer due to physical disadvantage (height issue). I am glad that you are able to overcome the challenge with your will and charm.

    Here is some unpleasant truth about Asian males.

    In recent history of USA presidential election, it is very much like male beauty contest of candidates height. Ross Perot was unlikely to win if he had became major candidate. John McCain also suffer image disadvantage comparing to Obama. People naturally felt tall guys as protectors, stronger, big brothers. The feeling is subconscious resistant to rational reasoning. Small guys really have hard time to achieve such nature feeling for average folks. They had to work much harder like Napoleon or Lenin. Maybe people still have doubt about those poor guys. President Lincoln on the other hand felt like a natural leader.

    <b.Almost across all cultures, women naturally seek taller men as potential mates due to this subconscious bias.

    I was personally elected as class presidents twice in my life (middle school, college) though I openly rejected offer. My classmate always felt I should be. Such examples happened to my male family member numerous times.

    Do tall people truly make better leader in term of intelligence and strategy? I doubt it. But psychologically they do make better leaders due to respect from average height majority, which makes policy implementation easier to subordinates.

    1. ning
      ning January 16, 2016 at 8:57 am | | Reply

      I’m actually lucky in the fact that I’m tall (6’0″), and it definitely helps in terms of dating. That being said, one of my best friends is a short guy but he’s a killer with women.

  11. AG
    AG January 16, 2016 at 4:28 am | | Reply

    Height definitely matters. Tall always commands a lot of respect, which can be translated into leadership quality. Unfortunately modern Han Chinese are much shorter than their ancestor Han 大汉. According to tomb record, Han Chinese were tallest during Han dynasty. The terracotta soldiers height (5’11″)from Chin dynasty , immediate predecessor to Han dynasty, was actually reflection of real men height during the era. Since guys from Han empire looked taller than other ethnicities in east Asian, 大汉 da han (big men) was respected by people nearby.

    quote from the follow link

    “the ancient Chinese were taller when compared with foreigners during the same period, which interestingly, is contrary to the current situation”

    Information here for Han dynasty was average height of entire empire. Northern Hans were actually close to six feet.

    Even prehistorical site revealed tall Chinese ancestors in northern China.

    Today, only northern Chinese countryside might still have some village preserved the similar height. All of my male direct relatives (northern han) have height above 6 feet. During world war 2, winning Japanese never received any respect in northern Chinese eyes due to their unfortunate short stature.

    汉 Han is highly respected words in East Asia due to many factors including military victories over barbarian (especially northern Hun, 夫胡兵五而当汉兵一, “明犯强汉者,虽远必诛” ), physical features. A respected Chinese man is often called “大汉, 汉子, 好汉”

    If modern han Chinese ever achieves their Han Ancestor height, there is hope.

  12. Mary
    Mary January 16, 2016 at 5:12 am | | Reply

    Wow, this was an excellent story–what a great read! I think it’s something that all of us can relate to, especially when it comes to past heartache and wanting to make something desperately work (even though it just needs to end).

    I have a steadfast rule: If you leave me, you’re gone for good. I rarely give anyone second chances, especially when it involves cheating.

    Hope you can post part 2 soon 🙂

    1. ning
      ning January 16, 2016 at 8:58 am | | Reply

      Thanks for the kind words! Yeah you know, it’s super easy for me to say the same, like having a logical rule against giving second chances, but I’ve found that human beings are emotional, illogical creatures and in the moment, sometimes people just cave into their emotions

  13. Rdm
    Rdm January 16, 2016 at 5:38 am | | Reply

    Glad that you share your story here, Ning.

    The entire time while reading, I smiled and admired. It’s not your “White” girl per se. It’s your “Attitude” and “Outlook” in life and your confidence in building up your life again.

    So many times, when I heard the story from Asian guys, it’s always about “Racism” stuff and how they are downplayed and discriminated against. Media portrayal, etc etc. After some time, they become cliche while we’re seeing no improvement from Asian guys at all.

    First ever heart break when you think you’re going to spend your life with that particular girl for the rest of your life, THAT feeling, and THAT imagination, and finally realizing they always just fade out, is what I attribute to “normal” situation in every race. White guys heart broken by white girls, Asian guys heart broken by Asian girls. That’s the part and parcel of changing from childhood to adulthood. But so many times, Asian guys tend to put all blame on “White racism” and whatever stuff they think discriminating against them, while downplaying their own weaknesses and their part. Especially replaying “Asian stereotypes” over and over again while spending much of their time in Dota playing.

    I like your fresh outlook from your experience. Kudos to you.

    Ithaca is gorge after all.

    Tell us if you guys ever went to Taughannock Falls and made out. haha

    1. ning
      ning January 16, 2016 at 9:01 am | | Reply

      Thanks for the great words 🙂

      I love Taughannock Falls! And that girl and I have actually carved our names into a tree there.

      I agree that Asian guys tend to use being Asian as an excuse to fall into “victim mentality”, so they keep saying poor me poor me, but that’s also a lot of other guys.

      Guys will blame it on being overweight, acne, being Asian, being short, they’ll blame it on whatever they can blame it on, which is unfortunate, because that means that they won’t take action.

      Every man has the potential to be great.

  14. Rdm
    Rdm January 16, 2016 at 5:52 am | | Reply

    By the way, I know that you’re already good at dating. Just my two cents thought is if you change your V-neck to a round neck casual wear, i figure it’d suit you more.

    1. ning
      ning January 16, 2016 at 8:59 am | | Reply

      Thanks for the advice hahahaha I’ll take that into consideration

  15. Ava
    Ava January 16, 2016 at 12:51 pm | | Reply

    Handsome guy, Ning and I like the V neck on you (-:

    1. Ning
      Ning January 17, 2016 at 1:48 am | | Reply

      I’m blushing 🙂

  16. anthony
    anthony January 16, 2016 at 3:03 pm | | Reply

    oh man I’m hooked on this story, part 2 please!

    1. Ning
      Ning January 17, 2016 at 1:49 am | | Reply

      Hahaha okay okay I’ll write part 2

  17. Maria Deng
    Maria Deng January 17, 2016 at 2:29 am | | Reply

    I think we all have those loves that we look back and say ‘how could I have done that!’ It is definitely a learning experience, and as you mentioned Ning, one that has made you stronger in the process. I sometimes look bad and wonder if I had ended up with the person that I liked at the time how my life would have turned out, and sad to say that, it probably wouldn’t have been as nice as I imagined it to be!

    1. Ning
      Ning January 17, 2016 at 4:02 pm | | Reply

      Sometimes it’s strange to think of all the different paths your life could’ve trotted down, but it just so happens that it decided on this one.

      It sometimes makes me wonder if there is someone pulling the strings up there…

      I’m not a real spiritual person, but sometimes I wonder.

  18. Phil Chung
    Phil Chung January 17, 2016 at 12:19 pm | | Reply

    What a well written piece,Ning. Part of it sounds really poetic. I haven’t seen a blogpost like that for a very long time.

  19. Dan
    Dan January 17, 2016 at 1:19 pm | | Reply

    I will never believe someone who cheated on me for 8 months. You can never build a healthy relationship. I’d move on and shut her out of my life, even if she came back begging. She can learn her own mistakes. I don’t see anything that is your fault. I don’t feel you are respecting yourself by meeting up with her. Did I miss something?

    1. Ning
      Ning January 17, 2016 at 4:04 pm | | Reply

      You missed these:

      1. We had mind-blowing sex.
      2. We had an amazing connection.
      3. Emotions > Logic sometimes.


      1. Dan
        Dan January 17, 2016 at 10:56 pm | | Reply

        You know it takes time for her to grow up and exercise the freedom. I can related to the story. When my-ex realized she wanted someone who was there and really cared about her, I had moved on because you found out nobody was that special by default. It was nurtured by common experiences and interests. Sex is the same. You can enjoy it with another person if you know how to to look.
        If she was not ready, she should have told you rather than fooling around. That is plain selfish.

        1. ning
          ning January 19, 2016 at 1:13 pm | | Reply

          Yep, she was just as confused as I was. I don’t think she had any clue what she wanted at the time, either. She would fool around with him, and then feel really guilty about it after.

  20. Alex Lee
    Alex Lee January 17, 2016 at 3:09 pm | | Reply

    Oh my what a story !

    1. Ning
      Ning January 17, 2016 at 4:04 pm | | Reply

      hahahaha thank you

  21. Yang
    Yang January 18, 2016 at 5:05 pm | | Reply

    Its gaining so much feelings to me, although I wasn’t in same situations like you
    but I experienced the same cheating like cherrio girl did, its a lession.
    Good thing is you are lived and realizing what life is all about, but I am still struggling with it, Hopefully I could be just like you now, get fully recovered and started a new and good life.

    1. ning
      ning January 19, 2016 at 1:13 pm | | Reply

      Good luck my friend. I know you are in a tough time, and the wounds do heal.

  22. Pierce
    Pierce January 19, 2016 at 5:10 am | | Reply

    You were drawn to her. She wasn’t necessarily drawn to you. You did what a lot of friendzoned guys do. You waited her out and hoped for the best. Don’t make the mistake of redefining attraction. If she is not attracted to you, move on. In all, I agree with Lena: You’re either a unique snowflake, or the dumbest SOB alive. I hope you learned your lesson.

  23. ning
    ning January 19, 2016 at 1:15 pm | | Reply

    Yup, I definitely learned my lesson hahahaha

    Regarding attraction: it is what it is, but it also can change. A girl can be really attracted to you at one point in time, then not attracted at all a month later, and then really attracted again.

    Depends on a lot of factors.

  24. White Girl Oscar
    White Girl Oscar January 22, 2016 at 5:24 am | | Reply

    My question as a white girl is whether our son or daughter will win an Oscar if I marry an Asian guy.

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