Guest Post: Why We Are Not Married (Yet)

Betty of Betty Has A Panda has lived happily with Mr. Panda in Vienna, Austria for over seven years. But they’re not married — and it has led to lots of uncomfortable questions, including questions Betty has asked herself.

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(Photo by Nick Nguyen)

I am tired. Tired of all the ‘Why are you not married? Do you want to break up?” questions, or the pronouncements of ‘Oh, he is ONLY your boyfriend!’ Tired of explaining our allegedly ‘not-so-serious’ relationship and why we are not married (yet). While I think that this little detail of saying ‘I do!’ is not of any concern to anyone, I do not want to see others belittle our relationship just because we did not seal our relationship in front of a random registrar (yet). Is our relationship not worth as much as that of someone who is already married? This could be due to varied reasons, liberal worldviews, no bureaucratic obstacles, or bad role models. Beyond doubt, not being married does not make our relationship less worthy, and to answer all of those questions: we do not plan to break up. Not now, and also not in the future. Why would we date and live together for more than seven years now? Mr. Panda and I have our reasons to shack up.

Let me start at the beginning. Parents’ relationships can sometimes be a disastrous example to their children, which can make it hard for their children to connect with others – emotionally and legally. Mr. Panda’s parents are not exactly how I would imagine devoted parents. You could actually say they are as loving and caring as a metal scouring pad. Mr. Panda was the unplanned latecomer, and was therefore always made responsible for all troubles brewing in Chinese parent’s fragile marriage. Albeit they already split up three times before Mr. Panda was born, and came back together again. Mean teasing and verbal insults were on top of their daily agenda — not what one might expect in a loving and caring relationship. Of course divorce is absolutely prohibited. Instead, they continue to live with each other, leaving both their children emotionally crippled und almost unable to be in a working relationship with someone.

On top of that, only soon after Mr. Panda and I started dating, another event aggravated Mr. Panda’s beliefs in the whole social construct called marriage. As another blow of fate, Mr. Panda’s older brother, married to a woman from the Middle East with two children, filed for divorce due to cultural and personal disagreements – and told his parents only six months later. He had been married for quite some time, but sadly, in the end, it did not work out. While both of them separated without any bad feelings, the parents’ world collapsed. Mr. Panda’s mom cried for weeks, begging and commanding them not to separate, but naturally nothing helped. Soon after, the former wife moved out, and cracked the last intact pieces of Mr. Panda’s mom’s picture of a perfect family. I consoled her for weeks, trying to put her sorrows about her grandchildren at ease. Her faith in functioning marriages was busted, and as a result Mr. Panda is even more scared now. He is not scared that our relationship will break apart. But the only two marriages around him just did not work out. The reason why he did not propose to me so far? He is scared our relationship might end after marriage, and to a certain degree I can understand his (baseless) anxiety.

What is my excuse? I was busy with my studies, and time just flew by far too fast. Just in a blink of an eye, many years passed by. Up until now, I did not really care whether we said ‘I do!’ or not. We had no need to rush because we are not in desperate need of a visa. We are not pressured to do so because of some religious beliefs. We just spend our days happily together.

But this year, one thing led to another. I found out about the big AMWF community on the internet, which was all about happily married (intercultural) couples with their beautiful wedding photos. Furthermore, we were invited to a summer wedding by one of my friends, and another one of my good friends got engaged. Thanks to these events I also developed an urge to marry Mr. Panda, and I started to believe that it would actually draw us closer together.

It is a fact that nothing in our relationship will change after we marry. We will both live our lives together as we did up until now. We will both be just as serious about us being happy together and passionate about our relationship as we are now. We both will be the same individuals as ever. And still, here I am, apparently forgetting my liberal beliefs, letting my modern world break down over a marriage certificate I don’t need, while I am waiting for him to take the first step.

The last few months, we talked elaborately about this topic, I tried to discuss his fears and about how we both felt about marriage. But as expected, he did not want to talk about his feelings. Our conversations were rather rational. However, some time ago, he confessed to me that he was thinking about us and our future very hard for quite some time now. He asked me to be patient — that I should wait a little more — making me all excited. Hopefully, traumatized Mr. Panda can gather all his courage soon and will finally propose.

Betty and Mr. Panda live in Vienna, Austria, where she shares fascinating stories about their more than seven years together at www.bettyhasapanda.com.
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58 thoughts on “Guest Post: Why We Are Not Married (Yet)

  • December 11, 2015 at 7:41 am
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    Call me harsh it is because your presumed hapa children will suffer terribly.

    They aren’t white, they aren’t Chinese and therefore sit in a uniquely uncomfortable situation where they belong to neither camp.

    Hapa women have all the benefits of Chinese women.

    Hapa men OTOH face the same wrath of the western media that likes to dehumanise Chinese men where racism is acceptable. Where putting us down is acceptable. Which leads to Elliot Roger shooting spree psychological
    problems.

    He’s scoping out his options that’s all. Else he’s have put a ring on it already.

    Reply
    • December 11, 2015 at 8:52 pm
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      As I have said, if you are a white woman married to an Asian man you are better off living in Hawaii or Asia or the west coast, especially LA, San Francisco and Seattle are at the minimum very tolerant. These days in many places at least in the US, you will run into Trump supporters and that is not a good thing for the Hapa children.

      Reply
      • December 11, 2015 at 9:12 pm
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        I don’t think it’s the correct way to give in just because of some dumb people who spread bloodcurdling stories about what is wrong or right. If we just do as they say, nothing will change in the future. Yes, it will be difficult, we’ll maybe feel even more frustrated as we do now.
        Even if it might be hard for mixed race children, we have to try hard for them and support them. They have to grow up as proud children with our love and assistence, and they will outshine all the other ones. Because it will be hard. But it will pay off in the future. And only then all these people who belittled them before will watch them with envy.
        I know this sounds stuck-up from a white, heterosexual female, but I would feel bad if I wouldn’t fight these people and try to change their way of thinking of as many people as possible. I have been trying so hard the last years to make people think outside their little stereotypical boxes.

        Reply
        • December 11, 2015 at 9:27 pm
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          I agree! If we never challenge the status quo, nothing will change.

          You go, Betty! I’m right behind you.

          Reply
          • July 12, 2016 at 2:44 pm
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            Unless the Chinese are willing to challenge the status quo, nothing will change. A few random white visitors (and yes no matter how long we stay here we are always going to be seen as visitors by the vast majority of locals) are going to do nothing. You could spend your life challenging the status quo in any country…and end up with nothing. And in a country like China…it’s not going to happen. Might as well go bang your head against a brick wall…at least it will feel good when you stop.

        • December 11, 2015 at 10:25 pm
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          In some cases if you are willing to get physically hurt, yes, that is a good attitude to have. But, there is another issue that failed to mention. This is not an issue with Austria yet, but has become a major issue with Denmark and the UK. Visa. There are a lot of professionals married to Asians, men and women, stuck in Asia especially in Japan and Singapore. One UK citizen waited for a visa for a very long time and decided to give up and stay on in Japan. She hosts a Japanese program in NHK.

          Reply
      • December 12, 2015 at 3:30 am
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        First of all, KenM is stereotyping like crazy, and I don’t really know how the hapa thing came into play in all of this…?

        But anyway, as a hapa female I do not get all of the “benefits” of a Chinese (Asian) woman (whatever these supposed benefits are). When I was trying to date in Asia, I felt like a big, white ogre (as I am told I look more white than Asian). Asian men did not want to date me because of physical and cultural differences. I was often passed over for tiny, petite women who (most of all) understood the cultural values that Asian men needed. I was overlooked. A LOT. I have no idea what kind of benefits you’re talking about.

        As for hapa men, not all of them are doomed to being dehumanized or left in the “destined to die alone” group. In Japan and China, I found that hapa men were ferociously popular because they can understand both Eastern and Western values and concepts. Especially in Japan.

        Finally, in response to David, I think living in rural America as a minority of any kind is going to be tough, hapa or not. I grew up in middle-of-nowhere America as the only hapa in my town. It sucked a lot, but I think it really helped build my character and make me a unique individual. I didn’t interact with other Asian Americans until I was 18, but it was always a very awkward experience for me. In the megacities with a large Asian population (L.A., Seattle, Honolulu, etc..) I noticed that Asians often formed their own cliques and communities comprised only of other Asian Americans, and for someone like me that didn’t look Asian, I felt very ostracized in these groups (I was actually not allowed to join my college’s Asian American club because I wasn’t “asian” enough). Ironically, I think Asian American enclaves sometimes create their own glass bubble where they tend to have less interaction with other races and only mingle with their own.

        I’m super grateful that I was raised in the countryside, and if I ever have children (who will most definitely be mixed) I would want to raise them in a similar environment.

        Reply
        • December 13, 2015 at 7:28 am
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          > Ironically, I think Asian American enclaves sometimes create their own glass bubble where they tend to have less interaction with other races and only mingle with their own.

          White people hang out in there own groups , have their own friends , and 99% of the time, there groups don’t have a single minority. Why do Asian Americans have to be so accepting and hang out with others when white people clearly don’t do the same? And at 5% of the population of the USA, asian americans are no doubt already mingling with others.

          He’s talking about HOW asian american women and men are treated differnetly , not Asians from Asia. Different society , different context. Its already a fact of life to many asian men that we get treated like inferiors compared to Asian american women , who are treated with some privilege even though they are fetishized.

          Reply
          • December 15, 2015 at 3:09 am
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            In most cases white you say is right. Until 2013, the white sororities at the university of Alabama will not even admit a Hapa woman into their organizations. In this regard it is tough for many mixed race people when neither whites nor Asians will accept them.

    • December 12, 2015 at 12:29 am
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      This is the most ridiculous comment I have ever read in years.

      Fort Minor
      Mike Shinoda
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Shinoda
      hapa guy from Japanese father and White mother

      You can google his beautiful wife. That is hapa guy.
      ————–

      Mike Sui
      An actor, Weibo star in China
      hapa guy from Chinese father and White mother

      His 12 Beijinger earns him credit.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HENoGStC6As
      ————–

      Daniel Henny, Daniel O’Neil, Ricky Kim,
      Actors
      They’re all hapa guys from Korean father and White mother

      Those are doing fine.

      There are normal hapa guy out here living like normal. The only guys I come across, either be it Asian or hapa, is kenM, whom I venture to guess, stand at 5’5”, scrawny, thin guy.

      No men, be it Asian or whatever, stand tall when they are tall and confident.

      If you’re short, 5’5”, I’m sorry to say that you’re out.

      Reply
      • December 15, 2015 at 10:49 pm
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        Actually, Daniel Henney and Dennis Oh Neil had Korean mothers and white fathers…

        Reply
        • December 15, 2015 at 10:53 pm
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          Sane for Ricky Kim, Korean mother and American father. Not sure about Mike Sui though, although he is mixed-race. Anyways, I thought this discussion was to be about marriage…not race.

          Reply
          • December 15, 2015 at 11:23 pm
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            My bad on those Koreans hapa.

    • December 18, 2015 at 1:10 pm
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      My fiance’s grandmother was Chinese/Dutch and his grandfather was Swedish/Indonesian. After they immigrated from Indonesia his mother got married and had him and his brother. All three generations of hapa did just fine, thanks–and I’m not worried about the fourth generation, either.

      Reply
  • December 11, 2015 at 10:10 am
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    OMG! Ken is so negative. I don’t agree with him at all.

    Re. mixed race children, in my experience with my daughters, nieces and nephews here in the United States–no problems at all. They’re all successful and happy. Good looking too.

    My nephew lived with his girlfriend for a few years before they married. He was also nervous about marriage because his mom and dad were divorced. It took him some time to feel confident enough to make the leap. They talked about it a lot. Now they’re happily married and expecting their second child.

    Reply
    • December 11, 2015 at 8:47 pm
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      As far as I have seen pictures of your daugthers, they are gorgeous!

      It seems that people who’ve suffered from their e.g. parents’ relationship have sometimes troubles with their relationships too. Although they want to stay together with their partner forever anyway, they have, you could say, a mental blockade when it comes to marriage. I am glad that we live in times and in a society where it doesn’t really matter anymore whether you are married or not.

      Reply
    • December 11, 2015 at 8:53 pm
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      Mixed race children are very smart academically too!

      Reply
      • December 11, 2015 at 9:00 pm
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        All these assumptions are basically stereotypes. If you as me everyone is beautiful in their own way and has their special talents anyway. 🙂

        But if we could pass on all our talents, our children would be tall, beautiful, sporty, artistic and intelligent models. Who are sometimes confused (which makes them cute) and can’t find things they are looking for (which can be annoying but is also cute). 😉

        Reply
        • December 11, 2015 at 10:27 pm
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          Agreed. But, what I said is not a stereotype despite evidence indicating that Hapa children performing better than most other groups in schools.

          Reply
    • December 11, 2015 at 10:52 pm
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      Ms. Chen…but you live in Seattle, am I right?

      Reply
  • December 11, 2015 at 11:12 am
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    Oh, good grief. Ignore the Ken M with the sequoia on his shoulder. I’d say it has absolutely NOTHING to do with race and, as you pointed out, everything to do with crap marital examples. And screw the whole “he would have put a ring on it already” idiocy. If you want to marry him, you can ask him or talk about it like two rational adults.

    I come from the ultimate in broken and re-broken homes. We called our family “shattered.” My older sister was with her boyfriend for NINE YEARS before she she was sure she wanted to get married. And it was only when he said, “I don’t care if we ever get married, but I would like a kid,” that they started talking wedding.

    When Andy and I got married — after living together, which is an excellent idea — I did not, in fact, feel one bit different. I’d already committed to him years ago, and I reaffirm that commitment daily. It is only a piece of paper.

    Though the piece of paper grants me access to his company’s excellent health insurance, which is not a perk to be sneezed at here in the U.S. 😉

    Reply
    • December 11, 2015 at 8:56 pm
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      You should never buy a pig in a poke is what I like to say. (It’s funnier in German, “To buy the cat in a bag”.) I also think it’s a bad idea to marry before you ever lived together. And after you’ve moved in together and everything works perfectly, the whole concept of marriage loses its seriousness. It works either way, so why should I waste money and energy for something useless anyway?
      And I wouldn’t love him more or less just because of a piece of paper.

      Unfortunately it can become difficult in Austria when it comes to having children when you are not married. Everything works out perfectly fine until one partner dies. Then the fight about child custody starts. Also you still need to be married if you want a loan from a bank. Like it’s safer for them to lend you money? I don’t really get it but well…

      And in Austria I don’t even need it for the health insurance as we have a good social system. The only thing I could think of right now are loan and that I could move to HK if we ever had to. But we won’t move there anyway because it’s too hot, and we both hate hot weather.

      Reply
      • December 11, 2015 at 9:22 pm
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        Yes, I would agree that in the legal sense, a marriage license can make life much easier, especially if there are children or series illnesses. And even more so if you travel internationally.

        Reply
    • December 11, 2015 at 9:01 pm
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      “I’d say it has absolutely NOTHING to do with race ”

      As absolute and false statement as Ken’s.

      Reply
      • December 11, 2015 at 9:18 pm
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        Hey, David? Did you notice the “I’d say” that prefaces “it has NOTHING to do with race?”

        That denotes an opinion, which I then went on to support in my next few paragraphs.

        You might want to try responding in the same manner, rather than tossing out blanket statements of your own. Especially unsupported ones. It looks just a LEETLE hypocritical.

        Reply
    • December 13, 2015 at 7:49 am
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      > I’d say it has absolutely NOTHING to do with race and, as you pointed out, everything to do with crap marital examples.

      How white of you to say that. “Stop blaming your problems on your race!” Just work harder! It’s just you that has a problem! That’s what white people tell african Americans don’t they? African people just need to work harder then they wouldn’t be all sooo poor! Forgetting that all the structural racism in place that has prevented African Americans from reaching success.

      The same could be said of Asian Males. Asian Males need to work harder to attract women! Ken’s right on one thing ; Hapa men absolutely face the same wrath of the western media that likes to dehumanise Chinese men where racism is acceptable. I suggest you read up on the hundreds of films that have dehumanized asian men as unattractive , as nerds , as evil , as eunuchs , inferior , subordinate , or as yellow -faced caricatures as played in films such as Breakfeast at Tiffanies , The charlie chan series, where white actors basically dehumanized asian men with dehumaizing portrayals.

      IF THIS ISN’T GOD DAMN DEHUMANZIING I DONT KNOW WHAT IS
      http://www.brooklynpaper.com/assets/photos/34/28/bk_breakfasttiffanysmovieprotest_2011_07_15_bk01_z.jpg

      Reply
      • December 13, 2015 at 9:32 am
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        Wow. Are you just looking for a place to vent and not, in fact, reading actual comments or following a logical train of thought?

        There are crap marital examples in all cultures. I believe Mr. Panda is nervous about marriage because he has only seen unpleasant marriages up close and personal.

        I have YET to see you, NF, or David, or anyone else make any kind of case for a connection between Mr. Panda’s race, Betty’s race, and Mr. Panda’s hesitancy to get engaged. Maybe there is one and I am simply not seeing it, being all snow blinded by my own whiteness.

        If there is something I am missing, feel free to educate me. Connect those dots and make a clear picture.

        In this case, Mr. Panda is already in a relationship with a Western woman. She spent a whole post telling us how much she loves him. He loves her, he’s committed to her, but marriage is scary. Her parents like him. His parents like her. How is racism the problem?

        There is racism. There are stereotypes. Yes, you are correct, there are more examples of racism in American film than I can count. It’s awful. Many racist in the U.S. feel that Donald Trump has given them license to air commentary that makes normal humans cringe. No one is denying that this is a problem.

        But there are also simply people of all races that are terrified of commitment and intimacy, for a myriad of reasons. If you think racism or worries about hapa children are influencing Mr. Panda, make your case. Preferably coherently.

        Perhaps with arguments based on evidence, or even anecdotes pertaining to racism wrecking relationships.

        Reply
        • December 15, 2015 at 3:15 am
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          @Autumn…it is Austria, and the country is not as diverse as the west coast of the United States or for that matter Hong Kong or Singapore. Visa issues may not be a problem in Austria. But, in the UK it is. After the racist home secretary Theresa May found out that “too many” immigrants are coming via marriage and lowering wages in the Uk, she decided to separate families and force the British spouses, particularly women to migrate. And she and her boss David “dunderhead” Cameron have the gall to complain about Donald Trump, despicable as the latter may be. I still stand by my comments that 40% of America which supports Trump despises interracial couples including AF-WM couples and if he ever got into office, he will go after international marriages.

          Reply
          • December 15, 2015 at 5:11 am
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            If Trump goes after international marriages, his own will be in jeopardy! Maybe that’s his master plan, though. 😉

          • December 15, 2015 at 9:52 pm
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            @Autumn…Trump will not and furthermore his marriages at least so far have been international but not interracial at least by the US definition. You have to worry about his supporters who think Japanese internment was an excellent idea. And believe me, if polls show him leading in a state during the GOP primary, and he does not win, his supporters will riot.

      • December 14, 2015 at 9:00 am
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        Hi NF and David,

        I normally don’t comment on things like these on the net. But your comments are entirely irrelevant to what Betty is trying to say. Race has nothing to do with what Betty is going through. Let’s sayif Mr Panda is an Austrian, will you make say something like that?

        My point is not only are you guys perpetuating racial discrimination, ccomments like these also wouldn’t help when it comes to serious debate on racial (and any another form of) discrimination as well as
        topics such as racial understanding and inclusion of the society.

        Sure, racial discrimination still exist, but you can’t put the finger and blame, because of it, you are facing challenges in life / or when things aren’t going in your way. Just work hard and get on with it. Otherwise you’ll end up being a bitter man.

        Reply
        • December 15, 2015 at 3:18 am
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          “My point is not only are you guys perpetuating racial discrimination, ccomments like these also wouldn’t help when it comes to serious debate on racial (and any another form of) discrimination as well as topics such as racial understanding and inclusion of the society.”

          I don’t have any power in any society around the world to perpetuate anything, hatred of love. You would be better off talking to Donald Trump and his counterparts in Europe, Le Pen, especially and of course UKIP. You may be better off talking to Pauline Hanson in Australia too!

          Reply
          • December 17, 2015 at 8:55 am
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            David, all I was saying was about taking individual responsibility. Everything starts from oneself and then to the community level. Sure, neither you nor myself have the power to magically change thing at a global level like these top leaders. But, any changes has to start somewhere and these are normally small steps one at a time.

            On another note, Le Pan and Farage et al started their political careers at their local level before moving up the ranks via supports of their constituents (aka individuals like us). So, you still thinks individuals don’t matter?

            That’s just my penny of thoughts.

          • December 17, 2015 at 9:32 pm
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            I for one cannot reason with a person who thinks returning Hong Kong to the UK is a good idea. This will give the Brits unlimited access to HKG jobs. They will be happy because it will be an one way street which is what they have always wanted. I for one will support giving HKG back to the UK as a territory similar to Puerto Rico for the US, if like the US the Brits give total access to the job market for Hong Kong citizens and make it a too way street…something racist retard Theresa Mae will never do.

  • December 11, 2015 at 11:47 am
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    Only prime example of marriage I ever saw was my parents’ marriage. I never had close friends or girlfriends growing up, never saw other examples of relationships. In mine early life, my dad did nothing but argue and yell and even namecall my mother, and way too many times I got into the line of fire as well. He was never physically abusive, but still the scars always remained (probably one of the main reasons I became interested in Asian men. I wanted someone that did not remind me of my father.)

    My younger sister married few years ago, but then two years later got divorced, and prior to that, she and her ex-husband knew one another for six or even more years.

    I used to want to get married, but now I’m thinking, what’s really the point of marriage? To get into a 20,000 dollar debt for just one day? Marriage also would mean loss of freedom, increase of arguments and constant bickering that will turn even more toxic as time goes by. In fact, I don’t see anything positive when it comes to marriage. Due to the fact I’m thirty, never been engaged in my entire life, but had my heart broken way too many times to count, I don’t think marriage and wedding are ever in the cards for me. Funny how much I changed from someone who wanted to get married to someone who questions the point of being married.

    Reply
    • December 11, 2015 at 9:21 pm
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      As for my family, my parents, grandparents and two aunts are all happily married. And they all think the same as me: don’t waste all your hardly safed money on a marriage. They all fully understand that we are not married. So at least I don’t get nasty comments from my lovely family.

      By the way… after about a year, I realized that Mr.Panda has the absolutely same character as my dad. Irony of fate? 😀

      Reply
  • December 11, 2015 at 7:36 pm
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    Hi Betty, thanks for sharing a very personal story of yours. It must be difficult to see marriages of Mr Panda’s family breaking down and understandably he is a bit scarred.

    I have to agree marriages aren’t compulsory and I’m really surprised people in Austria are still very conservative in this respect. In my experience, people in the UK or Hong Kong seem to be quite open minded when it come to marriages etc. I guess may be people are bit more sensitive??

    Also, I do like the word ‘partner’. it’s a word that describes people in
    relationships regardless on whether s/he is a boyfriend, girlfriend, married or otherwise. It’s a word that signifies your important half.

    Whatever decision you guys come to. I wish you both the best of luck.

    Phil

    Reply
    • December 11, 2015 at 9:33 pm
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      Thank you! 😀

      I also like to use the word ‘partner’ in German, but as I look really young, older people always look at me with disbelief. Like they want to say “Partner? Aren’t you a little too young to use that word?” Last time we had to show our IDs when we went to buy beer, and you get it as soon as you turn 16. We laughed at the cashier.

      Unfortunately Austrian society is more conservative than I would like. We try to be open, but then the government openly discusses and outdated, unnecessary topic were I just do a facepalm.

      Reply
      • December 11, 2015 at 10:30 pm
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        In the “moral” sense Austrians and “Swiss” and especially Liechtenstein are similar. They used to say that Liechtenstein is very racist. But, I doubt it. They have an African-American princess with a white prince. No racist country will ever accept that.

        Reply
  • December 12, 2015 at 9:41 am
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    @ Betty.

    I wish you and Mr. Panda all the best. I can certainly understand yours and his reluctance to marry because it is a big commitment and a huge undertaking not to mention the loss of some freedom and the increased responsibilities. At times, I reminisce about the days of singleton when they were carefree, more relaxed and easier. But marriage is not without benefits though. You have a serious life partner who will (or should) love you for life. If your love for him is strong enough, then you two should both be able to overcome all hardships. For example, if one is sick or both of you are poor and have to eat nothing but bread and water for weeks or even months, this is a true test of your love. During my youth my parents were poor at a certain time and they often argued. But they still stayed together and now all of my siblings and including me are married and no divorce. So, you have to ask yourself the most basic of all questions: “do I love this person truly?” If so, then marry him or her regardless of the consequences.

    All the best.

    Fred

    Reply
    • December 13, 2015 at 12:24 am
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      Actually, this is exactly what I was talking about. When I meet people like you, I normally lie to them about already being married to avoid an unnecessary conversation like this.

      Reply
  • December 12, 2015 at 11:58 pm
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    My comment with the links was not published. Maybe in the SPAM folder, Jocelyn?

    Mike Shinoda from Fort Minor is a hapa guy from Japanese father and White mother. He’s a pretty successful singer and rapper. You can google his pretty wife.

    Mike Sui, an actor in China, is a hapa guy from Chinese father and white mother. You can search “12 Beijiners” in youtube. That’s how he’s got his fame and later ended up in Chinese movies.

    Ricky Kim, hapa guy from Korean father and White mother.

    There are lots of hapa guys out there who are doing relatively well.

    This is a comment responded to KenM.

    Reply
    • December 15, 2015 at 3:22 am
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      True. But, they live in CA, China and Korea. The last one is a bit of a surprise, because the country is pretty closed in its mindset.

      Reply
  • December 13, 2015 at 1:55 am
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    Mr.Panda’s parents description sounds just like my in-laws’s…
    My dear mother-in-law talks about divorce pretty much every day but thus far she never went through with it (according to my wife she has heard “I will divorce you” ever since her early childhood).
    I lived together with my wife for 2 1/2 years before we got married, nothing changed after getting married anyways except that it is all written down officially now and would make getting a loan easier if ever needed…

    Reply
    • December 15, 2015 at 6:25 am
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      Oh I know about the “I will divorce you!” talks too well. Just when I was in Japan in September Mr.Panda once called me because he was feeling really down. He told me his mom just called him and accused him that it was his fault that she couldn’t divorce. It was because he was born that she had to stay together with her husband.
      Like it was his fault that she got pregnant.

      Reply
  • December 14, 2015 at 1:21 pm
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    I am also not married yet, but luckily I don’t think many people has asked me why (except for some nosy people, like repair guys who come home to fix something and feel the need to question the Chinese-speaking foreigner!). If anyone asked me, I would say I am not married simply because I am lazy. Lazy to arrange all the paperwork, go to the marriage registry in Nanjing, then go to the Spanish consulate in Shanghai to validate it, organize a wedding (or maybe possibly two)… pfff, I feel stressed just thinking about it xD

    But, like you, I don’t think anything will change after we get married. It is just a paper, and we have already lived together for 3 years.

    Reply
    • December 14, 2015 at 10:45 pm
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      Same here. Planning two to three weeding parties sounds like too much work to do. I have been thinking that if we’ll ever bee engaged, if it will be for so many years again. xD

      Reply
  • December 15, 2015 at 11:17 am
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    It’s interesting to know that AMWF community is growing in terms of international exposure. I’m not sure without this blog, we doubt we’d know much about what is going on with AMWF couples across the globe.

    First, congratulation for Betty for coming out and let us know.

    What we might not have realized is there are lots of AMWF mixed races across the world. The only thing is they are rare, so we didn’t quite notice until we have a venue to learn more about them.

    I even believe that some hapa will go unnoticed and when they get married with White men/women, their children look more like White and we didn’t notice AT ALL. Just a bit trace of Asian look here and there, no obvious.

    Just watched “Beasts of No Nation” from Netflix. Guess what? the Director, Cinematographer, Producer is one hell of a good looking guy from AMWF marriage, couldn’t believe he’s 38 years old.

    The same I heard from rumors on the street is “Jude Law” is 1/4 Chinese and his father Peter Law is 1/2 Chinese from grandparent side.

    It all boils down to one’s capability and talent, rather than stereotypes.

    So Betty, you go!!

    Reply
  • December 15, 2015 at 11:20 pm
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    @David and KevinM

    I’ve read the guest post and I am wondering why do you bring race into it? Its one thing to bring race when the discussion is ABOUT race and struggles to adapt to either American or Asian culture, but its another thing to bring race into discussion when the post has NOTHING to do with race. Unless I’m mistaken, the author never once discussed race in her post or how it affected her decision not to marry. Seriously, I find the discussion about race important and enlightening, but this is just…overdoing it.

    KevinM, I’m pregnant with a Hapa child, half Chinese from father’s side and Eastern European Jewish from mine, and according to the sonogram this little bundle of joy will be a boy. I’ve read some male hapa journals and in the past I have asked whether or not I should expect this kind of vitriolic and hatred, and these men answered no because I was concerned enough to enquire and because I am with someone or like someone that looks like them this will be more of a confidence booster. (These Hapa men come from Asian mother/white father coupling) Unfortunately I can’t change the way American media views them, but I can try to minimize as much damage as possible it can do by pointing out the alternatives, that just because society has certain views of them it doesn’t mean they’re right.

    Anyways, please stop turning every SINGLE post to be about race and racism when it has no need to be one…and David, also please stop giving same news in every single post that is posted on here, especially when the guest post doesn’t mention or talk about racism because its gotten very annoying and discourages me from even reading comments or taking you seriously.

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    • December 19, 2015 at 1:28 am
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      @ Sveta.

      Wow!!!! Congratulations on having a mixed raced boy.

      I am in agreement with Ms. Sveta that the race factor should not be raised in the discussion especially when the article is devoid of racism or discrimination attendant to race. I believe that David loves to mention racism because he was perhaps wronged in his younger days and the effects of racism have carried over into his adult life. Although David does not sound crazy and he is right about the problem with racism in this world, perhaps David needs to consult an expert in the field to deal with his constant fixation about racism.

      Reply
  • December 20, 2015 at 1:38 am
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    I was only responding to Ken M. Phil Chung wants to at least consider the return of Hong Kong to the UK in another of Jocelyn’s blog. And I suggest that you read the comments I posted on the North-Korean-German blog back in November as to why whites prefer other whites. Give you a hint. It has nothing to do with looks.

    Reply
  • March 12, 2016 at 3:22 am
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    @KenM

    You might not have noticed, but most stories of half asian half white kids going loco come from white men-asian women relationships. Where the woman hates her own race, and the man is marrying her because he cannot get a white woman due to social issues. They are both failures in their own right – so of course they will have problem children.

    AMWF kids are better prepared. Dad knows the trials of being an asian kid growing up, so will teach his own accordingly. And white mum will more likely be more liberal and not so forceful on her kids, driving them to achieve on academia, piano and law school until they have a nervous breakdown in their early 20s.

    Reply
    • July 12, 2016 at 3:55 pm
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      This is the silliest thing I have read yet. The reason that most stories about kids going loco are from white man/Asian woman relationships, is because MOST white/Asian relationships (the vast majority in fact) ARE white man/Asian woman.

      As for white men being failures because they cannot get a woman back home…that’s just silly in it’s own right. By that standard Nicholas Cage would be a failure as he is married to an Asian woman. And all the rest of the people on this list too.
      http://www.ranker.com/list/white-men-married-to-asian-women/celebrity-lists

      As for white women marrying Asian men, the comment about Asian women hating their own race could just as equally apply to them.

      I could make some unsupported generalizations here about White women and Asian men…but then I’d be making the same mistakes as the person above. Sounds like she (quite likely a “she” by the comments) has some issues to deal with.

      Reply
      • July 12, 2016 at 6:57 pm
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        Lol, they’ve married since the post.

        I noticed in your list many celebs are old white men marrying much younger, much prettier asian women. Far more attractive than the white mans appearance warrants.

        This social hierarchy translates into pretty much all WMAF relationships, something that is impossible due to the hierarchy working the complete opposite way for AMWF I.e. it HAS to be love to have such pairings together.

        But you already knew that didn’t you? You’re just a fragile white male who is flustered when someone, especially their own race, critiques them. Hurts your white male ego.

        Reply
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