What happens when the man you love isn’t from the country and culture that first captured your heart?
That’s the conundrum Linda Dunsmore of Linda Living in China — a self-professed “China fan” — faced when she fell for a man from Korea. She writes, “I was worried because he was Korean, while I was passionate about China…. I kept asking myself, ‘Why do I have to fall in love with a Korean man?'”
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I am a total China fan.
I started studying Chinese in 2010, went to China in 2012 for an internship, and also dated a Chinese man (the relationship failed but that is another story). In 2013, I had to return to America to finish my Bachelor’s degree in San Diego, California. Every day, I was still reminiscing about my life in China. I cooked Chinese food, started writing my own blog about China and made almost exclusively Chinese/Taiwanese friends. I was sure to return to China after I graduated.
However, one day, I met someone who changed my life completely.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was helping a friend to find an apartment in Pacific Beach (San Diego’s party area). She wanted to move in together with two other students from our university. We were going to meet him in front of the apartment and he was also going to bring a few friends to help him. We arrived at the scene and a few minutes later they arrived — our classmate from Turkey plus three Asian guys (including one particularly handsome fellow). I had hoped they would either be Taiwanese or Chinese or even from Hong Kong, and I was super excited. But then I discovered they weren’t from any of these places – they were Korean.
There was something incredibly special about this one handsome Korean guy. He was extremely charming; he even asked me about my heart-shaped sunglasses and mentioned that they were really cute. He had something about him that literally drew me to him. I also noticed how he was also suddenly really interested in me. We started talking every day on Facebook or text messaging. Then, before I knew it we met for our “first date”, which was one of the best nights of my life.
I started to like him more and more, which should have made me feel amazing. Except, I actually felt incredibly worried. I was worried about what would happen if things worked out. I was worried because he was Korean, while I was passionate about China.
I was worried that I was in the “wrong” AMWF relationship.
I know that sounds ridiculous, but not for someone who invested so much of herself and her life into China. I already lived in China before, loved the country, and had finally mastered conversational Chinese. Meanwhile, I knew nothing about Korea and couldn’t speak a word of Korean. I didn’t know what to do and felt horribly confused! I kept asking myself, “Why do I have to fall in love with a Korean man?”
Of course, all of this was my head talking. But the thing is, you don’t love with your head, you love with your heart.
When I searched the depths of my heart, I realized that I fell in love with Jeongsu because of who he is — not because of his race or nationality. In the end, isn’t this what the AMWF community is really all about? We all fall in love with someone because of who he is not because he is Chinese, or Korean or Japanese. These men just happen to be Asian. It doesn’t mean we are completely obsessed with Asian men and strictly ignore all men of other races. It just means we found the right love for us.
Now I work for a Chinese-German company in Hunan, China as I maintain a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend Jeongsu, who is living in Korea. I’ve learned to balance these two parts of my life. While my heart still remains filled with China in so many ways, I’ve started studying Korean, trying Korean foods and reading up about his culture as much as I can. I’m coming to embrace Korean culture just as much as I’ve embraced Chinese culture. I’ve already visited him in Korea twice, including my most recent visit earlier this month. I consider it my second home now and his family my second family — my Korean family.
In the end, life cannot be planned. It always comes out differently than how you thought.
I never expected that my China-obsessed self would fall so hard for a Korean man. But as long as you’re following your heart, there’s no such thing as a “wrong” relationship.
Linda writes about life in China and Korea, her AMWF relationship with a Korean man, traveling around Asia and studying Asian languages at www.lindalivinginchina.com . She is also very active on social media, especially Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
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Nice story! Glad you are beginning to embrace the Korean culture as well!
Mine life is a bit reversal of yours. (Passionate about Korean culture, knowing practically everything about Korea from dramas to music to movies to history, even dating a Korean man for two and half years and even getting used to Korean cuisine, and this comes from someone who hated spicy food! to hoping to have a relationship with a Chinese man.) You can continue to love Chinese culture, perhaps you might bond over it with your Korean sweetie?
You fall in love with the person, not their nationality! This is key and something that keeps coming up, especially in the comments section. It’s just kind of ironic. When you were growing up, you may have never pictured yourself falling for a foreigner or an Asian (at least I never did) and here you have, but he’s not from the country you are passionate about. It’s exciting though, I would think. You’ll be exposed to another place, language, and culture. Best of luck to you guys!
Actually, I think the point of AMWF is that you fall in love with someone because of the person’s race rather than their personality or who they are as an individual… Hence the creepiness that people feel about AMWF communities. In your case, you didn’t just happen to fall in love with your boyfriend because of who he was, you were drawn to him because he was Asian in the first place.
Anyway, for practical reasons you may eventually find that you just have to switch your interest in Asian stuff from China to Korea. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.
@D Maybe
I disagree that people are here because they are specifically interested only in Asian men. I can’t speak for others, but as for myself, I’m part of this community because I happened to fall in love with someone who is Chinese. If you read a lot of the guest posts, it seems that many women just happened to fall in love with an Asian man and weren’t actively seeking them out. Perhaps because Linda was already interested in China, she was more opened to the idea of dating an Asian man, idk, only she can answer that.
@R Zhao,
As far as AMWF communities in general are concerned, such communities are generally created for the express purpose of facilitating relationships between white women who want to date Asian men and vice versa — there’s just no two ways about it. A good example here would the site AznLover.com (which I think is now defunct) and the name says it all. It’s perfectly fine if women have a preference for Asian men, but they should accept it for what it is instead of pretending that they are motivated by nobler intentions; they should also realise that there are people who think AMWF couples are creepy because of the element of racial preference.
Let me stress that I’m not making blanket statements about AMWF couples here. With regard to Linda specifically, my conclusion about her relationship was simply drawn from what she wrote in her guest post.
A minor correction in my previous post:
*…such communities are generally created for the express purpose of facilitating relationships FOR white women who want to date Asian men and vice versa…
I guess well just have to agree to disagree.
The point for me isn’t to fall in love based on someone’s race. I think it’s fine to have preferences or a general interest in certain cultures or ethnicities, but I still think it should ultimately come down to who a person is as an individual. The conclusions you’ve drawn about Linda are much different from what I got out of her post. How do you know she didn’t fall in love with her boyfriend for who he was rather than simply being Asian? Seems like an unfair conclusion.
I am not at all familiar with online dating. My only involvement in AMWF is from reading blogs like Jocelyn’s. I don’t have the sense that these blogs are simply for hooking white girls up with Chinese/Asian guys. They are a way to explore topics and our experiences dating cross culturally and also living abroad.
With regard to Linda and her guest post, here’s what I said:
“In your case, you didn’t just happen to fall in love with your boyfriend because of who he was, you were drawn to him because he was Asian in the first place.”
That is a pretty good assessment of the relationship. Linda was drawn to her boyfriend because he was Asian; the only problem was that she had hoped that he would be Chinese. Of course, Linda’s boyfriend being Asian alone wasn’t enough for her to fall in love with him — women with a preference for Asian men don’t just fall in love with any Asian man — but that’s not the point. The point is that Linda didn’t just happen to fall in love with her boyfriend without race having played a major role.
BTW, Jocelyn has a list of communities for women who want to date Asian men on her “Blogs I like” page. It’s under “Dating Resources (Asian men + Non-Asian Women)”.
“They should also realise that there are people who think AMWF couples are creepy because of the element of racial preference.”
Do you feel that way about all interracial relationships?
“they should also realise that there are people who think AMWF couples are creepy because of the element of racial preference.”
@D-May be. I also think that WWWM couples are creepy because of the element of racial preference…so that their kids can enjoy better things in life that white privilege affords them…like Yellowface as in the film Aloha or Mikado’s cast.
actually this post answered about the things I’ve been secretly wondering when it goes to Linda and J. but I never dared to ask haha 🙂
This is funny!
Since I was young, I’ve been enthralled with Japan. I was learning to speak it, watched the movies, listened to the music, watched youtube videos on their culture and lifestyle. I was obsessed. (I liked things from Korea/Taiwan/China too but it was just not as passionate).
Then I met a dude from Hong Kong…
4 years later we’re married, expecting a baby and I am the best Chinese cuisine cook this side of Canada. 😛
If you love that person so much… you’ll start to love everything about them, including their culture. 😀
” It doesn’t mean we are completely obsessed with Asian men and strictly ignore all men of other races.”
Speak for yourself! Ah ha ha!
It’s funny, I feel this way as Linda has. I’ve fallen in love with Chinese culture, with a majority of the people, the food! But! I’ve been in love with a Vietnamese man for almost 2 years now. We are not “officially” together, as I am trying to date other guys…but I know my Viet guy knows I love Chinese language, and Chinese culture.
Love is love!
I do worry too I’m going to love the wrong guy from the culture I began to love!
http://news.creaders.net/world/2014/10/16/1443703.html
If you visit Siberia or Manchuria region, you see more AM/WF with Russian women. Most inerracial relationship with Russia is AM/WF.
I’m absolutely loving this post Linda! You are right, you fall in love with your heart and you never know who you are going to fall for. You and your Korean boyfriend are so cute together and I really hope I’ll have a chance to meet you again soon and hope to meet him as well.
I think Linda got it right when she said “We all fall in love with someone because of who he is not because he is Chinese, or Korean or Japanese.”
When I tell a friend that I am dating someone and they ask about him, I talk about how he is a rabid football and basketball fan but hates baseball and hockey, how he always needs me to remind him to call his mother once a month because he is a stereotypical “absent minded professor”, and that he is making sure that I take good care of myself which I am terrible at doing. Then, at some point later in the conversation, I end up remembering to tell them his is mainland-born Chinese because it isn’t the first thing that pops into my head about the man I love.
“there are people who think AMWF couples are creepy because of the element of racial preference.”
There are people who think many WMWF couples are racist becuase of the element of racial preference and wittingly belong to this category.
That’s a completely valid point and one that actually occurred to me. People are never asked to justify their relationships with people from their own race.
@ Linda.
Wow! What a story! I wish you both all the best.
Honestly, I don’t think it is a very sound logic that the person you love must come from the country you love.
Love knows no country, love knows no borders.
Reminds me of myself. I had been obsessed with Korean culture, films, language, studied Korean and lived in Korea for one year. Then, I met my girlfriend in a Korean language course and she was from China. It was quite a weird feeling when I came back to Germany… But love for a person is more important and stronger than love for a country.
I also love heart-shaped sunglasses…
This story started out making me feel a bit uncomfortable (especially the part about only Chinese/Taiwanese friends), but ended on a very sweet note. IR;s are hard, harder if you know little to nothing about someones culture. This story puts it in an interesting perspective of falling in love with one culture but your love being from another. 😀
I suppose something similar happened to me. I have always had a fascination for Japan and japanese culture. I don’t think I necessarily only had japanese friends or was into japanese men. But when I met my chinese boyfriend I realised that all that I had learnt and caught on was nought as had to learn about his culture. The most difficult thing is the language as while I have always had a liking for japanese language and a knack of picking it up, I can’t say the same about mandarin. But the same would have applied if I had been together with a Croatian or Nigerian man.
Ultimately loving a culture and a person are inherently different, although falling in love with a culture through a person is a very unique experience.
Hi
I disagree with a previous commenter that AMWF communities are for white girls to find Asian guys. I have never been looking and see these places & blogs as moral support for our unique situation & its challenges.
I met my boyfriend when I was 13 & he pursued me until I was 15 & finally went out with him. We stayed together for 3 years, lost touch in college & found each other again after 15 years apart!! He moved 3000 miles to be with me again 6 months ago & every day has been better than the last.
I’m a self professed Japanophile & taught myself the language over the last 20 years. I have many manga series, shows & other media I love, love to cook Japanese food, and I’m even an involved member in my Japanese Buddhist temple. The problem? The love of my life is Vietnamese. I remember wishing back then that he was just Japanese so I wouldn’t have to learn a new language. Of course, that’s futile. All I learned was thank you & counting to ten (from him) but put forth zero effort into learning anything about Vietnamese language, food or culture. (This was the 90’s, pho restaurants weren’t in every town yet. When people thought Vietnam they thought “War” & nothing else.)
But now, I’ve thrown myself fully into learning Vietnamese. It helps that I nanny for three half Viet kids and I’m teaching them too! I can whip up no less than a dozen Viet dishes including homemade pho and both kinds of spring rolls! I have a great relationship with my bf’s family now (they were iffy about his first girlfriend back then, but now, after 15 years of him bringing home increasingly worse white girls – the last was a total country girl- they realize I’m pretty great & I love them too!)
So yeah, you just have to go with what you’ve got, which is what you’re doing! It’s more work, but you can keep up your love for a different culture & explore the new one. I still chant in Japanese but I also learned how to say “nam mo a di đa Phật” too. I cook both cuisines (and a lot of Mexican, which is actually his favorite!) I do my kanji practice but listen to Tiếng Việt in the car. Good luck to you!
That is not that uncommon. I see two expats coupling all the time even amongst Japanophiles. Lots of Caucasian women who love Japan do not necessarily date Japanese men. Australian white women coupled with a Canadian white man while both shared the mutual interest of Japan. Some people will take strong interest in a culture, and make friends etc with the people there. Nonetheless, it is perfectly okay for many Western European women to not be sexually attracted to East Asian men. I have to say that this blogger is not that strange, while it would have been more normal for her to marry another Caucasian male who also took interest in Chinese.