When I first read Christi’s story — which shares some of the ways she and her fiancee, Huaiqian, balance their relationship — I smiled at the way she described herself as “a headstrong Australian girl…humbled by China.” Her words echoed much of my own experience with John — the moments when we realized just how differently we viewed exactly the same thing, the times when we learned to negotiate the differences. She brings so much heart and honesty to the subject, and I’m excited to share her story with you.
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My fiance Huaiqian (怀前）and I compromise on a lot of different things. Even though I am a headstrong Australian girl, I have been humbled by China and him in a lot of ways.
One thing that took a long time to “get right’ was modesty. I don’t mean to say that I was walking around with my chest fully exposed and everything on show. It was more like unconsciously leaving the top button undone on a shirt. Or wearing a top with really short sleeves in the summer. Or sometimes just showing anything below my collar bones in our little town, which was considered risque. I am fairly well-endowed and certain combinations of clothing that are modest in Australia are not so modest when worn in China. I have come to realise that, in rural China, when in doubt cover it up!
My darling husband comes from a little village with traditional values. When he was growing up, his family was never very “loving” in the Western sense. There was no ‘I love you’ or any romantic gestures seen by family members. So when we started dating I was insecure — I think all women are when beginning a new relationship with someone new — that he didn’t seem to show me or tell me anything romantic. We have a compromise on this, that he must try to be more spontaneous with his actions and words (so far, it’s working well). Also, I didn’t really consider it before, but he had ever been told how to be romantic, or had never seen it “in action” so to speak. Chinese movies tend to focus on Chinese-style romance in a dating sense, where they show the little things boys do in pursuit of girls but never show the actual relationships after the chase. I told him about celebrating anniversaries (we have only been together 11 months but have known each other for years) and spontaneous acts of romance, as well as some little things that have become our private love language.
The last big thing we compromise on is planning. I am a girl who likes to plan, I have notebooks on me at all times, I make lists and schedules like a hobby and I love to feel like I have that control of time and our future. Huaiqian is the opposite. He doesn’t plan anything, prefers to go with the flow, and is happy to change plans at the last second for better or for worse and doesn’t seem to be fazed by it at all. Our compromise is that I have planned a rough outline for the next few weeks to a year and basically I follow it, and Huaiqian cruises along in the river so to speak. Or, he gives me the illusion of control and then does his own thing anyway. Either way, it works for me!
Christi, a “headstrong Australian girl,” lives with her fiance Huaiqian in China.
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How did you meet? Why do you love him/her (or Chinese men/Western women)? How two different people “complete each other” in unexpected ways? We’re looking for a few good stories from Chinese men and Western women in love to share on Fridays. Submit your original story or a published blog post today.
Lovely story! Recognise a lot in this!
Hi Jocelyn. Thanks again for the great story. I think that I am learning a lot about the behavior of Chinese men and that I will try to emulate them more in order to successfully chase down a Chinese goddess. Have you any more stories about Western (White) men and Chinese women? I enjoyed the last story about Western men and Chinese women very much.
Jocelyn, I know of no other sites that are so informative as yours. I know that your site is dedicated to relationships between Chinese men & Western women and there are no sites that are dedicated and with so much information for Western men and Chinese women. I would welcome more stories about Western men and Chinese women, if possible. As a White boy interested in Chinese women, I hope that you can provide a more information for men like I am even though your site’s purpose is not for Western men in my situation. Thanks x 1 million. Jocelyn, YOU ARE SIMPLY AND UNDENIALBY THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oops. I meant to write “provide more information” instead of “provide a more inforamtion.”
Really nice picture. Out of curiosity, do Chinese ever confront relationship problems or do they sweep those under the rug? That’s what my Korean ex used to do. Instead of discussing it he would pretend it never happened. I used to hate it, but now I understand it and would kind of prefer it in some cases.
Ability to see thing from other angle , especially your opponent is a sign of great intelligence. Primitive animals can not .
I’m a European dating Korean guy and I just can’t see any cultural differences. I feel like I’m missing something 😛
@Manny: I don’t understand why you’re so fixated on Chinese women when you have tons of beautiful white women all around you. You shoud move to California (either SF or LA) or to Houston. If you’re planning to attend college, try UC Berkeley which is where I went and has 40% Asians. Or try UCLA, Stanford, or the Ivy League colleges. If you’re complaining about not enough Asians in your hometown, then you will not be disappointed with SF. Heck even the mayor of SF is a Chinese American man and the police chief used to be a Chinese American woman. My wife told me when she was in high school her white teacher told the class how he preferred Chinese women because they’re family oriented and would do house work to keep the house nice and clean and that white women don’t do any of those things and are too demanding and are big and chunky. I don’t believe any of this crap. Don’t get too fixated on race or ethnicity. Good luck on your endeavor.
@Anthony. The reasons why I am fixated on Chinese women is because they are super sexy and family oriented in my opinion (although other Asian girls such as Koreans, Japanese, Thai etc. will suffice as reasonably acceptable subsitutes for me). Yes, it is true that there are some beautiful white girls in my hometown but I just simply don’t find them attractive enough for me. There are very few White girls that I love (Jocelyn Eikenburg is one of them but she is taken already and thus she is out of my reach). I still though declare my love for Jocelyn but I know that I cannot have her. I have tried to date White girls in the past but they seemed not to arouse me unlike the Chinese goddesses. I like their super slender bodies and natural silky smooth hairless skin, unlike the White girls who have to shave to make it smooth. White girls, in general, gain weight fast unlike the Chinese goddesses. Chinese goddesses love their husbands and are super loyal and will take care of the home and children. They know how to raise children and imbue them with good solid values. These facts are verified by my fellow White boys who date Chiense girls and they have shared this information with me. I hope that this answers your question.
I told you to move to L.A./SF etc , Manny. I understand everything you talk about raising kids and family values. Chinese men are the same with values ,raising kids etc. Chinese women don’t learn everything by them. Of course, you need both Chinese women and men in order to form this chinese tradition. Manny, you are a funny person on expressing love to a married woman. Another lesson is you need to EARN someone’s LOVE. Talking is easy but very hard man. Manny, if you want to be a real chinese man, you have to focus on one woman instead of jumping all over expressing your love. Secondly, Chinese men like will help others for free and don’t ask anything for return. We chinese men treat families, gf’s families and friends and others to dinner etc. Do you have this kind of heart in you? Or you’re counting pennies on every event? Last but not least, we chinese men care about wives’ extended families and more families. Can you handle that? Like they say if you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen. Now back to my tai chi routine to cool down my wild animal side. Afterward, sip a cup of green tea for antioxdiants. Damn what a good chinese life!!!!!!! LOL
@Bruce, my bro. I guess you think that I am young and somewhat misguided. You are not too far from the truth. I just simply want a Chinese goddess as a girlfriend. Then once I have her, then I can see if they (Chinese girls) are truly as great as my fellow White boys have been telling me or simply hype. I may simply take a trip to San Francisco, L.A. etc. to get one of those Chinese goddesses. Oh bro, I forgot to tell you that last weekend, I was supposed to be introduced to a Chinese goddess, one of my sister’s girlfriends. But it did not materialize as she and my sister Pamela did not finish their school project and thus they did not come to my small town. So, our introduction had to be postponed to another day indefinitely –perhaps to Thanksgiving day. As usual, it is good to hear from you, bro, and for the often free unsolicited advice. You are truly one of the greatest Chinese men of all times.
Most importantly, you have to show some courtesy to others when you ABOUT TO eat a meal , cooking dinner or having dinner in 5 hrs. Ask them if they would like to have something to drink/eat instead of eating your food in front of them like they’re invisible. I saw alot of white bfs/husbands with asian women just ate like pigs without even offering anything to people. That is disrespectful in Asian /Chinese culture. You have 5 more yrs to learn the chinese ways , Manny. You think you can learn this by watching Hollywood movies on Chinese men. Nooo way, my friend.
@Manny, that’s pretty creepy man! Instead of focusing on their (Chinese women’s) physical attributes why don’t you find out more about the Chinese culture or better yet learn the language like what Jocelyn did. I personally know a few White-American guys who have Asian/Chinese girlfriends/wives and the one thing that all these guys have in common is that they all love the Asian culture whether if its the food, language or the experience.
@Bruce, what are you talking about? Manny is a white guy! Stop using different names to troll this site!
Getting back to the OP, opposites do attract! Opposite personalities makes relationships much more interesting. Besides who wants to date/marry their best friends (having the same personalities)? It may work with some people. But I think a lot of us want a yin to the yang so to speak!
I think the culture is very complementary to each other, which makes life quite interesting. In my experience, I found many western women more mature at the same age level. They are often headstrong, but also with good insights different from yours. I prefer being direct than indirect in relationship. You might find the opposite more challenging, but it helps both of you to develop to more well-rounded people. Nothing wrong with many good Asian girls. Life does seem more exciting with someone so different.
And I have genes from North Asia. So western girls’ physical features are really attractive – height, bigger eyes, bigger body frame, etc.
@Bruce
You are a walking example of man with good Chinese values? Do you even understand Chinese values to talk about them?
Nobody talks about himself as much as you do. The way you talk to Manny only labels you as a sell-out.
Askdsk,
Explain to me what’s in your opinion is chinese value. Give me examples of traditional chinese values and modern day chinese values. Tell us here what kind of good chinese values in real life ( in person) you have and later I will tell mine. Askdsk, are you easy to get along in real life? I deal with people so nothing special here.
I know I talk about myself alot because I want to be real just like you’re talking to me in person. Unlike most people , just make a comment here and there and run. I told you guys to ban me but nooooo ! at least I’m real.
Oh yeah, I’m a sell out?. I guess Bruce Lee was a sell out when he taught foreigners Kung Fu ,too. I rest my case for 101 times. I know we’re wasting very valuable time here . Everybody here wants to hear sweet words here ;however, in real life is the opposite most of the time. Oh yeah, I must keep my comment short from now on. If a person doesn’t talk, you guys complain. If he talks alot, you guys complain, too. Let’s abandon everything then be like usual ( shy, just smile and never express your feelings). Yes, life is really annoying. Sometimes, I don’t want to live myself but hey suicide is so painful that I’m afraid to kill myself.
@Bruce
You’d better keep talking.
Each couple works out their own way somehow. Not necessarily the same. My friend married a white guy, but he never speaks Chinese. In a way, love is blind, there is no race, no culture, no social status in the eye of loving couple. How they work out their difference and bound together, only heaven knows 🙂
@askdsk, sometimes I don’t want to talk. There is a lot of things I have to hold back at times.
@Manny,
You’re also hairy but you want someone who has silky smooth skin. Chinese/asian people are slim because we eat lots of vegetables, less meat and less sugar in our desserts. Some Chinese women don’t take care of families. Not all will take care okay. If you don’t respect a woman or a chinese woman , please don’t get involved man. “Some” white men marry asian/chinese women just to control them and they don’t respect these women at all. These women are very vulnerable because they need to get out of their countries and their families need financial support from their future white bf/husbands. I’m not saying that all cases are like this just “some”. Manny, I know you will dump that Chinese goddess once she gains weight and you will marry a white woman. Liking a woman on her skinny body and smooth ,hairless skin can send a wrong message to any women. I don’t want to use the word “sex slave” but I do have to this time. Your future chinese goddess will only be a sex slave if there is no RESPECT on both ends. Amen
Traditional chinese values are strict and monitor by both chinese parents. Chinese parents sacrifice everything like time and money on their kids regarding education, teachings of respect and manner. They teach their kids the meaning of values like those kids have to earn for example a laptop or something nice by having all A’s on their report cards. Unlike white kids, Chinese kids have to work for it and understand the true value . Traditional chinese families always want their kids to marry within their own race. I hear it so many times on why Asian/Chinese women marrying foreigners and end up in divorce court. Traditional chinese families value the foundation of marriage. Normally, Chinese won’t marry Vietnamese either for example.
Bruce, I don’t think that’s true anymore, that Chinese families want their children to marry within their own race. Surely the most important thing is that your children find happiness in life. When I (white) married my Chinese husband 38 years ago his family were quite coming to me and when our third son married his Chinese wife 5 years ago, her parents couldn’t have been happier and more welcoming. Also just to let you know, my parents were thrilled when I brought my (then) boyfriend home and he has always got on great with them and my 4 siblings. So what I’m saying is: the world is opening up, people are becoming more tolerant and I’m convinced the more intermarriage there is, the less racism there will be!
I think the compromise doesn’t have to be a cross culture thing. Sometimes it’s the contrast in personalities that keeps the chemistry strong between a couple. For example my parents; my mother being the more opinionated one and my father is more ‘go with the flow’ type a bit like Christi and her fiancée. Yet they are still going strong. Whereas couples with too much similarities can sometimes clashes with each other.
@Manny,
I think it’s to do with maturity and growing up. Just like how teens fantasize about dating girls/guys like their idols and popstars. As you get older with experience you’ll start to look for qualities in your partner other than physical appearance. But you wouldn’t know until you get to that point, I’m sure.
Emma NL,
I told lots of Chinese people that they don’t have to be so traditional that their sons have to marry Chinese women. Never expect your sons to take care of you when you get old. Sometimes, it’s not good to have too many Chinese/Asian daughter in laws because they gossip too much.
Hey All. Thanks for the many contributions to my learning about the Chinese culture. I thank Bruce especially for spewing so much cultural lessons for me. I think I am learning so much from you all. This site is the best as it offers the most education to a White boy like myself.
@Bruce I think I am coming close to getting myself a Chinese goddess as my sister Pamela is intensively trynig to broker a relationship for me between me and her Chinese-American born girlfriend from California. I will let you know how it goes, bro. I will be certain to mimick the Chinese male behavior and mentality more such as bowing etc. I will be certain to offer food and not just eat it without offering some to others. Bruce, my bro, you are the one of the greatest Chinese men of all times for helping a misguided White boy like me. I salute you, and I thank you.
There are lots of things not just offering food. You have to get along with her friends , relatives and families etc etc etc. Being helpful and caring to people are attractive to most asian culture. I’m not telling you to be a sissy either because some women can be very aggressive in their quiet ways. You will see hahahaha hahahah.
@Bruce. I will make a conscious effort to be kind to her and her friends, family etc. I will try to be loving and caring to win her over. I am filled with exictement now and the rush of adrenalin is going through my systerm as I am set to meet her this weekend as she and my sister Pamela are coming to my home town for the weekend. I will have plenty of time at night to sneak from my bedroom to my sister’s Pamela’s bedroom where Pamela and my future Chinese goddess are staying. I will let you know if she will allow me to do some touching. So, stay tuned, bro. You Bruce are the greatest Chinese man ever.
@Manny,
“I will have plenty of time at night to sneak from my bedroom to my sister’s Pamela’s bedroom where Pamela and my future Chinese goddess are staying. I will let you know if she will allow me to do some touching” . <—- No wonder you failed in HK. You sound like every women are sexual. Chinese women are NOT sexual like you think fool. I think you watch too much movies. Manny, you're going to be a rapist soon if you talk like this.Try to be a rapist in China, your family has to buy bullets for the execution. Btw, I'm not your greatest chinese man. Those pick up artists are your idols. Manny, are you a creepy person in real life? You are scaring a lot of sensitive people here on this blog. To others you're creepy but to me you're just a horny dog in heat. Manny, how old are you ?
Hi Bruce. You wrote that I am creepy. Bro, I never do touching without consent. I have never hurt any woman in my life. I always respect a woman if she says “no.” I just have an obession for Chinese women. I am 27 years old. I will keep you informed and will tell you whether I am successful at my attempts with the Chinese goddess this weenkend when my sister Pamela brings her to my town and stays with us this weekend. Any other advice for me will be much appreciated. I still think you are one of the greatest Chinese men ever for helping me with the cultural imperatives. I will try to apply all the lessons learned from you and from Jocelyn.
Where was that photo taken? That’s one beautiful traditional gateway.