Yin-Yang: On Love, Fighting and Finding Harmony in a Chinese-Western Marriage | Speaking of China

17 Responses

  1. AG
    AG October 11, 2013 at 8:10 am | | Reply

    This is a very good post. I wish I had learned this earlier.

  2. ordinary malaysian
    ordinary malaysian October 11, 2013 at 9:04 am | | Reply

    Very true, a lot of fights between two people in a relationship come out of this fear that we may be wrong and that the person you are with may not be the person you thought she/he was. Cultural differences just extenuate the problem. But at the end of the day, we need to have trust in our selves or there never is going to be an end to doubts and fears and anger – the devils that will destroy any relationship, whether you are in an inter cultural relationship or not. Just stay in there if you thought your relationship is worth anything in the first place. And god bless.

  3. David
    David October 11, 2013 at 10:25 am | | Reply

    The couple above look great!!!

  4. Fred
    Fred October 11, 2013 at 11:19 am | | Reply

    @ R. Beautiful story. Congratulations.


  5. Lina
    Lina October 11, 2013 at 12:12 pm | | Reply

    I love their story 🙂

  6. Sveta
    Sveta October 11, 2013 at 3:38 pm | | Reply

    A sweet lesson and something to ponder.

  7. R Zhao
    R Zhao October 11, 2013 at 5:02 pm | | Reply

    I think every couple is different. I also am curious what you define as fighting?

    Fighting never brings my husband and I closer together; sometimes I feel like every fight chips away at what is good and if we don’t stop fighting eventually there will be nothing positive left. Because of this, we have been working really hard to control our tempers and not get into fights. It’s hard because there are certain patterns in our relationship–they aren’t always so easy to change.

    Perhaps one difference is that our fights rarely have anything to do with cultural differences. Some of our disagreements do, but those we usually manage to talk about fairly calmly.

    1. chinaelevatorstories
      chinaelevatorstories October 12, 2013 at 11:38 pm | | Reply

      For me, fighting means having arguments. It definitely depends on the reason a couple fights, my husband and I didn’t fight because we disagreed, but rather because there was a misunderstanding in the first place. Fighting made us aware of the fact that we were actually on the same side, just probably misunderstood something the other said or did.

      Fights that are based on disagreements are more difficult to handle, because you’ll have to find a compromise that works for both parties involved if you want to find a solution for the underlying problem.

  8. Laura
    Laura October 11, 2013 at 6:19 pm | | Reply

    R writes very nice short stories, I like her blog, specially the 3 parts story about drinking with respect (do not remember the name..). I am still looking forward to read the 3rd part, the resolution.
    For us our trip to Spain helped a lot. He saw me in my own environment, where I feel confident, and comfortable and I have a family I can rely on 24/7. He understood that for a family that meets up every Sunday (all cousins, aunts, uncles, grandpas, babies..) having a member abroad was a bit tough. And that is why I always insisted in doing something with his sister on Sundays…
    During our own Chinese wedding it was a shock to me to see how he was on the phone all the time. I mean it, all the time. We were getting ready and they were calling him to ask this and that or to say congratulations..that was like that from 3 days before the wedding till the day after. When we were getting ready, in the car arriving to the home to start the ceremony,…That started an argument cause what was normal for him (helping others to find the place or answering questions) was not for me (on the phone).
    In my home if you have questions you will call the parents or any other friend or relative but not the bride or the groom in the big day so that difference didn’t help me out to understand the whole situation.
    We do not fight screaming, ever, we get angry, talking but we do not scream.

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