Ask the Yangxifu: 3 Reasons Why You Should Pursue Chinese Men

By J. Howard Miller, artist employed by Westinghouse, poster used by the War Production Co-ordinating Committee – From scan of copy belonging to the National Museum of American History, Smithsonian Institution, retrieved from the website of the Virginia Historical Society., Public Domain,

I get a lot of e-mails that end with this question: “Should I pursue him?” (I can almost hear the woman wincing as she asks this.)

Even in these “women hold up half the sky” modern times, I’d say most cultures still leave much of the heavy lifting in dating to the guy, and expect the girl to flirt and wait for his advances. Mine sure does. I heard the exhortations from others — don’t ask him out, you’ll look too desperate or too forward, and on and on.

But when you’re interested in Chinese men, sometimes you have to flip this rule on its head like a wicked gymnastics routine and do a little pursuing yourself — at least, at the beginning. Here are three reasons why:

1. Language Issues. Ah, that bellboy in China, with a smile that could launch a thousand five-star hotels. I melted every time I passed him by to visit the gym in that hotel in Hangzhou, and even caught myself flirting like a high school girl. But even though I dropped every “let’s have coffee” hint in the book, he never dared ask…until I finally talked to him in Chinese.

Later on, he confessed that he wanted to say more to me, but he couldn’t. “My English, not so good,” he once told me.

Whether you’re in China or facing a possible immigrant Chinese who speaks (or is learning) a second language, confidence about language (or even a complete lack of fluency in your language) sometimes messes up the best laid schemes of asking a girl out. And if you’ve never done anything beyond smile back at a guy, you might have absolutely no idea that, say, his English kept him from making that move.

2. The Inferiority Factor. I’ll never forget when a Chinese guy friend of mine revealed this idea over tea — that some men in Mainland China would love to date me, except that they couldn’t possibly see themselves as good enough for me, an American woman.


Yes, it’s crazy — certainly to me, because I never considered any of the guys I ever dated in China as anything but my equal. Not every guy thinks this way, though, and I believe this will wane over time as China continues to rise. Still, for now you’ll probably run into some guys who think this way — guys who will cross you off their lists, believing you’re just some fantasy woman they could never possibly call as their own.

3. Shyness. I don’t buy into the stereotype that every single Chinese man feels too bashful to even say “Ni Hao” to a girl. But if you’re like some of my readers, scratching their heads because this great guy seems to blush every time she gets near him, then you need an intervention. Seriously, ask him out already. 😉

What do you think? What are some other reasons why Western women should pursue Chinese men?

Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Send me yours today.

Did you enjoy this article?
Sign up now and receive an email whenever I publish new blog posts. We respect your privacy. You can unsubscribe at any time.
I agree to have my personal information transfered to MailChimp ( more information )

52 Replies to “Ask the Yangxifu: 3 Reasons Why You Should Pursue Chinese Men”

  1. It may be nothing to do with shyness or inferiority may be that they are practical….plainly afraid…afraid of events such as these especially if they visit a western country with a western girlfriend, afraid of the girlfriend’s family, and afraid for the girlfriend…

    Contrary to what many might think, East Asian men are well read and follow events in western countries.

  2. The language part of course will prevent a Chinese guy approaching a western gal. He won’t feel confident if he can’t speak or hold an intelligible conversation. Who won’t in his situation? But it is also quite true that a Chinese guy may be afraid to approach a western gal simply because he might not think that she would be interested in him for one reason or another. Or that he thinks it would be too troublesome given the cultural differences and possible family disapproval. So, if a western gal is interested in a Chinese guy, I think it might help for her to make the first move! Like they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. And love is not for the faint-hearted! So, go for it!

  3. Also because of the outside image problem that this will create. Chinese likes Koreans are very conscientious about what others think of. Think about what his family and co workers will say.

  4. Most are afraid to live the moment and rightly so in a country that judges personal success with only money and social status. A lot of western ladies are more free-spirited and go for the guys who are not necessarily considered worthy in their own country. Many Chinese guys are not shy in pursuing western ladies. There is very often a mismatch- successful ones are considered quite boring with wrong sense of entitlement. As people often say, those “losers” might try harder in a relationship too. Friendly encouragement helps. But you will never be able to take that inferior factor away.
    I also do not think things will be much different when Chinese get wealthier. If you look at Japan and Korea, similar issues exist. Language and culture will still be the biggest barrier.

  5. You know I’ve learned something interesting here. Chinese men always think about the future! “what if this and what if that?”. What if her families don’t like me that kind of thing. Don’t think about that man. No wonder you can get girls man. DON’T PUT ANY NONSENSE IN YOUR MIND RIGHT NOW! DATE HER FIRST TALK LATER! You know as Chinese men we do care tooooooo much about how others feel or think about us. Nobody will know what the future will hold.When you do so much calculation in your mind you will NOT chase her. Save all the nonsense later please, talk to her . It’s not that Chinese men don’t pursue women. They are just planning the perfect path. In conclusion, if a western woman likes that chinese guy, ask him out please!! It’s not that hard to ask a woman out trust me. Another thing I’ve found out is that MOST Chinese men always look for the perfect women to date etc. Maybe I’m wrong but even if you can find 5 women home to see mom but how many will work out? duh!! I have been there and do expose yourself. Some women/men look mean on the outside but they are really really kind people. Anything is possible out there right now because the world is changing and westerner women are slowly learning that asian /chinese men are not what the media have been depicted. We are really committed people in general. What’s wrong with women chasing me huh?

  6. If Chinese men wants to date Western women….well the first thing they need to do is to stop dating Chinese women. And change their whole outlook.

  7. For me, I personally feel that if a guy (from any country) doesn’t have the courage to ask me out himself, then how can he have the courage to face all the difficult things that life has in store, much less the courage to meet my crazy family!

    That’s how I feel for myself, but otherwise, go get him sistah!

  8. In the past, I always portraited as a nice guy with other qualities to back up. Women liked me because they could sense in me that I could be a wonderful bf/husband. Some women subtly asked me out and they tended to get closer and closer . So, some women will approach like that indirectly. Women love to talk and they do ask around if you are really this person you portrait. Don’t feel that you’re inferior to her because sometimes it is just a feeling. You might teach her a lot of things she doesn’t know. I was shy too ( *giggles like a little girl *) :). I’ve changed so can you :). Just be multi dimensionals. If you talk like a young man with lots of energy, lots of sense of humors, etc, women like that. Even I’m 40’s yrs old I don’t talk like an old man, people in general like that. Meeting families is my specialty 🙂 . I love it

  9. Most Chinese guys are more introverted to express feelings in direct ways. That is how people grow up. You just need to learn to look beyond that “flaw”.

  10. There’s a Chinese guy I have a crush on; no idea if he likes me that way, but I mentioned to him twice that I’m interested in Asian men…he shows signs that he might like me, at least American style signs I think, although he had zero reaction when I told him I found Asian men attractive. Still, don’t want to ruin the friendship so I’m scared of asking him out. (Some possible signs: He hangs out with me for four hours, one on one; I think he might be possibly curious about meeting my friends; he calls me his friend; he remembers minor trivia of what I told him, when he borrowed a book from me I asked him what parts he read, and one he mentioned was my favorite part about Julius Caesar, Cleopatra and Marc Anthony; last week he took the time to visit me at a book sale and stayed there until I was finished, helped me with somebody at the end, then took me home.)

  11. Hi Sveta,

    It is possible that your hint is a bit turn-off to him. He might be thinking: why would she tell me she is attracted to Asian guys, to me? Oh she thinks I am a friend (friend-zoned) who she can explain her personal desire. This is because the communication in Chinese is usually non-direct, and we tend to think between the lines (and we speak that way too)

    I think you should just ask him out 🙂

  12. Dan,

    “Most are afraid to live the moment and rightly so in a country that judges personal success with only money and social status.”

    This seems to be a blanket judgement that doesn’t have much merit. I don’t think it is true, but I can understand why you think this way.
    Just to make a point, can you also say Americans fails in marriage on this scale because they live in a country that people lives only the moment and lack of long-term thinking?

  13. @AChineseGuy

    Most Chinese are not spontaneous when it comes to relationships. It has a lot to do with upbringing. I wasn’t trying to sugarcoat things, nor think it is all bad. I do think most Americans don’t have same long term thinking as the Chinese do. As someone else said earlier, the outlook to life is different.

  14. It’s perceived “normal” for a western woman to pursue a Chinese man for the reason that western women are viewed more assertive and know what they want, and “bolder” in their nature. For a Chinese woman to pursue a Chinese man, often time, she is viewed as “shamless” – it’s cultural thing. So date on.

  15. Like I said before , no need to think about what others think of you. Do it! This is the problem with chinese men in general. Our culture is stopping us from what we want to do seriously. It’s kinda funny that a married guy like me telling you singles what to do. Dating doesn’t lead to marriage okay to all those chinese men out there! You guys are just too serious. Even if you want to marry her, she might reject you. So get rid of your old thinkings!!!!

  16. Chinese men, let’s take the language/cultural barrier out of the equation for a moment and answer this: How would you pursue a Chinese woman? Would you be just as passive and hesitant, or is this only true when you’re interested in a non-Chinese woman?

    If you ARE shy with just about any woman, I’m interested in learning how romantic relationships usually develop between two young, non-traditional Chinese people. What does it take for you to finally make a move? How would you indicate that you’re interested in her as more than a friend? Or are women usually the ones doing the pursuing, with men accepting what they can get?

  17. This is what I saw how Chinese men date Chinese women.

    1. Chat online.
    2. Send texts or sexting.
    3. Have dinner (not limited to Chinese).
    4. Go to tea house/ coffee/ KTV.
    5. Hook up in bars/KTV (casual sex).
    6. Go to movies.
    7. Take a trip together.
    8. Blind date.

    Men are expected to pay. Many have a lot of experiences “babysitting”. Some women do chase and send signals if they want to catch a guy. The social convention is the same-men need to initiate. Most of women also think it is a weakness if you don’t. I guess one big difference is that Chinese men are relatively avert to humiliation. Most westerners learned not to take rejection too seriously. Also keep in mind you probably values certain aspects of relationship differently – humor, sex, companionship and independence as examples. I think the little culture difference does get in the way…

  18. Thanks, Dan! At first I thought you’d listed a series of steps, so I spent a good few minutes being perplexed as to how “Blind Date” could possibly be the last step in the development of a romantic relationship LOL.

    Looking forward to more insight by Chinese men. =)

  19. @ Lisa, most Chinese men are still quite uncomfortable to make a direct move. They rather wait and be certain before they make their intention known. But if a Chinese guy wants to spend more time with you than anybody else, that should give you the clue. Of course, there are always exceptions. Here in Malaysia Chinese men as a whole, I believe, have less of a hangup about boy-girl relationship. But when it comes to a western gal, I still think that because of language or cultural or family reasons, a Chinese guy may still not want to make the first move for all the hassles he thinks he may be getting himself into even if he is interested, unless the western gal gives indication that she is alright with him.

  20. @ Lisa, but of course don’t give him the impression that you are 随便 suibian or too casual because, unfortunately, the Chinese people or Asians in general, still have this stereotypical impression that western women are very casual when it comes to sexual mores and just want to have a good time ergo not reliable partners. Sad, but still generally that’s how Asians view western women. That reminds me of Foreign Babes in Beijing, by Rachel Dewoskin. Lol.

  21. I am not smart enough to come up with a manual. I don’t know either.
    I guess a lot of Chinese guys do act differently (nervously) around a foreign woman. You are more exotic with a different physique. Western media has over-sold your images. You are hard to handle with so much independence. If you find some Chinese guy who is original, he can find his own way after getting over the initial mental block. Plenty of people have that potential. A lot of guys are aware of the small penis rhetoric, which could be discouraging.
    I don’t always understand why some guys have so much reservation either. Many are certainly interested to have a trophy girlfriend.

  22. Lisa,

    Do you feel that a man should have a big penis in order to satisfy a woman and to keep a happy relationship/marriage? Please inform all those men out there for me since you’re a woman and it’s better for you to tell them than me. Ordinary Malaysian was right about the sterotypes of western women. Chinese men like women who are reliable and someone long term. We are not talking about picking up a woman and just have a short term fling. Even in America, asian /chinese men in general won’t approach non asian women due to the things I’ve talked about ( want somebody reliable etc). I guess we were taught like this. When I was young, I was taught to be an honest, hardworking kid. I always heard chinese people said ” you need a woman who will work hard with you.suffer with you and stay to the end with you ” If you don’t believe me ,please feel free to ask those older Chinese relatives to confirm what I said . There are soooo many western women who like asian/chinese men but they’ve never been approached by them because of what we talked about for yrs here. If you want to be with a western woman, you have to stay in her circle and comfort zone. You can’t just put a salt water fish into a freshwater lake . You gradually introduce her to your culture and then she will come over.

  23. @Lisa
    Most of my coworkers here in Beijing (both male and female) will ask friends, colleagues, and relatives to help them meet someone. It’s common to arrange a “group blind date” (a few other people along with the couple) to help take the pressure off. After that first date, there will be a lot of texting back and forth. The guy usually is the one to ask the girl out for the second date, but the girl may give some hints to encourage him, such as asking for his help with something or asking for his advice.

  24. I doubt most Joselyn’s questions were asked about native born Chinese Americans. The ones in China would need to overcome the culture barriers uncharted. Besides, they are sourounded by Chinese women and face different set of social pressures. You will find most guys are more at ease in their own culture, yet live lives planned by someone else. College students tend to be care free for a few years. A small percentage refuses to confirm. The ones falls throw cracks from educational system tend to be interesting with no good prospects in life. Chinese culture polarizes certain achievements. Some mindset changes would be good. Too uptight- worse in Southern (more traditional) part of the country. But you can still find people not stripped out of personalities.

  25. White male pursuit of a Chinese girl 50%success rate

    The same for white girls to pursue the Chinese boy 30%success rate
    If you are not interested in Chinese men
    Course, the Chinese men not interested in you.
    self-respect ….
    No money …
    Can not afford
    Is shameful
    So is not qualified to dating a woman
    Traditional blood

  26. Han Chinese origin on the body
    With self-confidence does not matter …
    A man’s responsibility
    …. If you talk about the penis …. well I would not you say anything
    Mature women in the West was like
    But … the character of publicity ..
    No one will like
    … IQ is very important

  27. Bruce If you were living in China would you take the initiative to ask a western woman out or would the culture/tradition stop you? Is such culture/tradition stronger than own personal desire or want?

  28. I do not think ” Inferiority Factor” will be one of the resons for this issue in general. Eveyone has likes and dislikes.
    Generally, if a Chinese guy likes you, he will pursue you if he cannot speak English at all. But please do not think nowdays Chinese guys are too shy to ask a girl(including white girls) out. And as a Chinese guy, I do not think white girls are superior to Chinese guys.

  29. ….I tell you look at the yellow film
    … I am 16 years old began to see
    I can tell you
    95% of Chinese young men like to watch Japanese AV
    Considerate not shy
    Because Chinese women like that kind of man
    Yes …. the man responsible for pay and house car
    … So
    ………….., … I am very open

  30. Open-minded
    But not sexual
    ….If I like her … I just like her
    I prefer the romantic Quiet, mature woman
    Specificity and considerate
    .. I do not like the AA system
    ….IF went out for dinner ….If she wants the AA system
    I will be angry
    If she is my girlfriend
    I am not very much hope that the AA system
    A man’s sense of accomplishment
    … It seems that you do not understand the Chinese traditional men

  31. ….If a Chinese man like you,
    He does not mind cooking for you
    There are many
    ….. I want to say …. really .. Chinese and Westerners are different
    Mind and character
    ……Chinese humor
    …….If you speak Chinese
    Life is good ….
    So …………. you can not understand Chinese men

  32. Mira,

    I would ask a western woman out to watch the sun rise and sun set 🙂 if she can wake up 5 am in the morning . Even though I’m between a tradition and a liberal person , I have no problem asking a person out. If I’m a single man now, I don’t have a problem asking ANY WOMEN ( you name it) out . I just have too many hobbies from peaceful to dangerous stuff so as long as that woman has to be open minded and willing to learning new things. Do you know that I look at things differently now than when I was in my 20’s ? I don’t like to waste time like those kids chasing girls around.

  33. I have been on both sides. I have asked and been asked. I think it is only nature to give and take.
    At one time, I was on the train, and the girl next to me started a conversation with me. I did not ask her number because I did not feel the connection.
    At the other time, I started the conversation and made the connection. When we need to say farewell, she asked my number, I called…

  34. A lot of western girls have reservations because they don’t want to be taken advantage of for sex. If you are friends, it could ruin friendship. I have reasons to believe it is generally safer to do with most Chinese guys, especially the ones in China. Within Chinese context, I think it is actually better if the guy is not too direct. Don’t know if this makes sense.

  35. You know there are two types of men. type 1: just flirts, get # and date , playing around, not serious at all. type 2: flirts, get # ,date, hoping to get serious if the right women comes along. Some chinese men are hard to open up so western women have to be patient with them. Once, they are comfortible with you , damn you just hit a jackpot!! Yrs and Yrs ago, I was looking for a serious relationship. I just knew this woman and we went to several places together. She was nice, cute ,voluptuous body ( big booties , nice curves that drive men crazy 🙂 ) she invited me to a party and later after the party ,she said ” I only got one room and one bed”. In my mind , I was only looking for my potential wife to be. Sex was never on my mind. We slept in the same bed and just talked. I didn’t make no sexual moves like I said I only wanted a woman who can be something more than sex. I kissed her the first time we went out. You know kissing a woman is nothing hard. Don’t ask for a kiss if you ‘re confident enough to do so . Ask for a kiss if you are sure she likes you but please don’t ask her is the key. Later on, I found out that she was not right for me. There was something that I didn’t like about her ( she’s not caring enough). No No No I didn’t regret at all about the sex part.. I know what you boys are thinking. I think I’m a naturalist when it comes to asking a woman out today if I’m still a single man.

  36. Bruce, I guess you never seen how hard it might be for some guys to take that firs step. Moving a mountain seems easier. It is understandable when you were there. There is another thread talking about introversion. I found some of them fit into that camp. Once you have the will to move the mountain, I guess the rest can be taken care of. Not such a bad trait after all.

  37. Dan ,

    Yes, I understand what you mean. Some men get really nervous just by talking to a woman. You know why ? They never had the practice of talking to women. I have these personality and attitude that don’t give up . If I fail once, I will try to better myself. I have moved lots and lots of dirt before and I do understand the feelings of giving up. If a girl or those girls said no to me that I couldn’t kiss them I wouldn’t feel useless instead I improved my approach of life. Don’t think about first or second base when talking/going out with women and things will come gradually.

  38. @dingjie
    So you think you are the representative of Chinese guys. I said generally. I was born in China and live in China for more than twenty years. And as a Chinese, I do not even know what you wanted to express.

  39. Maybe dingjie is nervous so he talks like this. You just don’t expect any when you talk to women. Don’t act creepy or weird. Just be yourself without pick up lines. Be natural like nothing even the sky is dropping :). You know we as men including chinese men expect too much from a conversation/date. I don’t care if the woman is asian/chinese or westerner, you just have to make her feels into you. Touch her in the appropriate areas, hug her, touch and hold her hands and then she will be comfortible. It’s just a long process but hey that’s life. There is no shortcut. Westerners like to use the word ” confidence” but that word means differently to asian people. Confidence is like courage or don’t give up in chinese to me. Confidence is built gradually thru practicing your speech in public,”eagerly” talking to strangers, sports, bodybuilding. By the way, just talk to people and not afraid to offend people ( Chinese people always afraid to offend others). Don’t take everything too personal like every subjects we’ve discussed here. I’m hard to open up in the first 3 to 5 minutes when I talk to people but after that you can’t get rid of me. I’ll stick to you like lasagna on cheese 🙂 lol. It’s a normal defense not to disclose every bits and pieces to strangers you know. How to make a woman to talk to you is another homework you have to work on. Stop reading pick up lines online. You just have to do it in real life and see if your heart pounds like crazy or not. After a few times, you will be fine I promise. If I recalled a long time ago I met another woman at a bowling ally with her group/friends. I don’t want to disclose her identity here :(. A few days later I asked her friend for her # and I called her for dinner. In my mind, I didn’t care if she was caucasian or asian. If she said yes then at least you still have a chance and she has given you a chance to chase her. After dinner.. the question is ” chase her or not chase her?” that is the question. Even at dinner, this woman was not talkative by herself. I didn’t pursue her because I didn’t have the connection with her.I guess SOME women need to be in a group setting then they will express themselves. I’ve learned that after a woman talks to you a few times or working on projects with you she will show more interest in you. She wants to know everything about you.I got rejected by women too even the most qualified men get rejected also. Every men get rejected and went into depression before. One woman rejected me was due to not liking men too muscular. What the hell? :(. I’ve been on both ends of the rope from being rejected to women showing lots and lots of love interest in me ( older and younger women). I think after commenting here for more than a yr on this website shows my honesty, commitment and credibility already. Yes building a nice physique will help you but not in all cases. If you’re western women, please do ask those asian /chinese men out like I’ve said before some people are hard to open up at first. Is talking to much attractive? I think I talk to much :). I really want to fit into this asian male sterotype.I thought asian men suppose to be timid, quiet and shy I don’t know :). I have a friend and he is confident ,educated but he can’t get nooo girls. why? demand too much.. ” she has to be pretty, she has to be sexy, she has to be smart, I hate her families always want to hang out with us, blah blah blah”. Don’t demand too much please you are not all that either. this is my advice.

    Bruce 🙂

  40. The discussion seems to be bit of topic. But since we are at it, here is my 2 cents:
    If you are not born comfortable with woman, you can be so through practise.
    1. Practice your best smile every morning. Smile while you talk.
    2. Ask the most attractive shop girl for help, even you know exactly what you want in a store.
    3. Ask pretty girls for direction even when you know where to go.
    You will be surprised by the response you get and build up your confidence. I got quick massage simply because I asked for help in the store. If you failed, you don’t see them any more. No harm no pain.
    Before you know it, you will be comfortable with woman.

    It worked for me, hope it works for any shy guy. It also works for woman too.
    I know that because girls often single me out and ask me for direction and/or help while we are surrounded by people.

  41. @ Cvaguy
    I had to laugh in a good way. It is good advice given to introverts – practice at low risk situations until it becomes second nature. The difference between introvert and extrovert is not always so obvious. Many introverts could act extroverted all their lives to forget their natural preferences. No reason to be discouraged if you feel shy.

  42. “The same for white girls to pursue the Chinese boy 30%success rate
    If you are not interested in Chinese men
    Course, the Chinese men not interested in you.
    self-respect ….
    No money …
    Can not afford
    Is shameful
    So is not qualified to dating a woman
    Traditional blood”

    Chinese man is simply scared…afraid of what the white woman’s family might do ti him…violence especially.

  43. building a circle of friends is easier to hook up most of the time. Anyway, we need more women to comment here. I’m not gay okay 🙂 . I think I should disappear for a while so women can comment here.


  44. I like cvaguy’s input. In dating and anything else in life, you need to build confidence. Confidence comes first. It is ok to admit you don’t have it. Girls know when you fake it too. It is nice to see someone puts efforts to find it. When you are there, the rest is easy.

    For Chinese guys in China, they have to swim against more tides to enter into international relationships. Some of them are not shy at all, but they are more often not the type western girls find attractive. Hopefully, those initially shy ones can find encouragement to show their confident side. I am done with this topic.

  45. David Why be afraid
    …………..I come from China’s Liaoning
    I 184CM 85KG
    My brother 185CM 96KG
    My father 177 98KG
    Would you please tell me why Chinese people are afraid of?
    I know a Polish He said the Chinese people than they
    AlphaPerhaps he has only been to Beijing, Dalian, Shandong
    Maybe we think Shanghai people are very thin
    Mainly southerners skeleton is relatively small

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: