Alex asks:
I’ve been going out with my Chinese girlfriend for the last five years, on and off, mostly on though. Yes, that’s a bit of time, but since the last couple years her mother, whom I have met for a two week stay in China before, has been insisting that we get married. I know part of it is that her mother is traditional, my girlfriend is their only child, I’m her first boyfriend (big one), and now she only has a few months left still to find a job here in the US, or she has to go back to China. As for me, I’m still looking for a job and housing, and I feel like I’m only 26 years old and not ready yet, especially under these circumstances.
I know she and her mom love me to death, but I know there is an undercurrent of me having to “help” or “do her a favor” so she doesn’t have to go back. Honestly, I’ll say, as an American I do feel like her mom is kind of using me, and furthermore my girlfriend has also put this in terms of “doing a favor for each other”, or “an “engagement”, meaning the marriage certificate. Then the plan would be whenever we get things set up we would go over to China to have a big wedding. Now this does sound really great but I am confused and I do feel like I’m kind of being pressured into this. I don’t want to have my girlfriend go back to China, but at the same time I hate to be the one who “holds the key” to us staying together, and to her future.
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Alex, consider your situation Chinese dating etiquette 101 in the school of hard knocks that we’d all rather avoid. Because if you knew better, you would have realized a long time ago that you gave your girlfriend some marriage signals.
You’ve been dating her for five years. Yes, you qualify it as “on and off, mostly on” but I wonder if she would even pick up on that distinction. After all, most Chinese don’t date casually, but only stick around in a relationship if they think that person could make the cut as “husband” or “wife.” People don’t usually invest five years of their lives in a relationship and suddenly abandon it — unless they’re really Westernized or sexually open.
And speaking of sex, if you slept with her (I can’t imagine any American guy making it through five years with a girl and not getting some), you might have also sent her another “we’re really serious” message — particularly if you took her virginity. Again, many Chinese, especially girls, consider sex as a sort of physical acknowledgement that you could marry someday.
On top of it, she introduced you to her mother. Most Chinese won’t bring their boyfriend or girlfriend home unless they see the potential for wedding bells in the future.
All roads seem to point to marriage, even if that’s not where you intended to go.
The practical side of this arrangement — that it solves a problem for the girl, that it helps her — doesn’t strike me as odd either. I could see manipulation if you two had just met and all of a sudden she suggests walking down the aisle. But the thing is, you clearly like this girl, she likes you, and you’ve been together for years. Besides, marriage is often a very practical thing in China. Most girls, as Rob Gifford once titled his story, are “Looking for Mr. Right (Enough)” and not necessarily their perfect soulmate:
Xie says she’s holding out for Mr. Right, but she knows the clock is ticking.
“If by that time, I want to marry [a] guy, and I [don’t] love him that much — just because he checked all the [right] boxes, I think I will still marry him, but it’s going to be a very hard decision,” she says.
When asked if she is, in the end, a realist, she replies, with a heavy sigh: “Yeah, sadly, yes.”
Chinese girls are under a lot of societal and family pressure to marry before 30 (and even earlier, depending on where they are from), and in the end, they might settle for an average, normal guy who meets their needs (usually, the guy with the car, home and good salary). Of course, you don’t have the home yet, but you do have US citizenship, which to many Chinese equals the good salary, or at least the potential for it.
You say you don’t want her to go, but you can’t have it both ways. Chances are, no marriage equals a one-way ticket back to China for her, unless she’s really lucky and lands a job. Plus, I can’t imagine this girl understanding or even forgiving you after you say, “I like you, but I don’t want to marry you.”
If you can’t stomach a wedding, do this girl a favor and tell her as soon as you can. Yes, it’ll probably blow up in your face like the Chinese wedding firecrackers you’ll never hear in your future. But maybe you’ll walk away a little wiser — that some countries and cultures do relationships differently, and you’re better off knowing that before you get in bed with someone.
What do you think? What advice do you have for Alex?
P.S.: For further reading on this topic, check out Middle Kingdom Life’s Dating Chinese Girls: Dating Etiquette, Relationships, and Sex.
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Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Send me yours today.
Jocelyn has hit the nail on the head. If I could be even more direct: Please don’t marry her, Alex.
You’re already so skittish about it. You want to run, but decency holds you back. But deep anti-marriage thoughts are already in your head — you’re 26, not ready, you’re feeling pressured, you say. How to start a marriage that way? As someone reading your letter, it just strikes me as a bad situation — if she were really the one, and you were ready, you wouldn’t have had to write it.
Also, if it’s true that you have relatively little understanding of Chinese attitudes to relationships, I’d say deep cultural differences will impede a happy marriage for you. At this point, it seems like both of you have gotten to know each other only in your cultural world, the U.S., thus you may not have enough experience or understanding of her world for it to be a balanced marriage.
I can’t believe he actually feels like ‘being used’ if he get’s married with a girl he has been dating for 5 years.. That sounds like he has been using this girl instead.
I got married with my husband at very early age (20), partly/mostly because we wanted my husband to have a family residence permit. It needs to be renewed after 4 years before it becomes permanent, so we wanted to have it as soon as possible. My husband was the one to suggest the marriage, and he was 24 at that time.
I agree, don’t get married just because of the pressure. This is a life-long decision, probably one of the most important you’ll ever make. And it’s not one that should be rushed. Even though I agree with Jocelyn that all signs point towards marriage…I don’t think that necessarily means marriage now. Especially if you’re not ready. Just be honest with her and tell her how you feel, that you’re not ready and you don’t want to make the decision under pressure. If she understands, then great! Either you’ll try to make it long-distance or she’ll find some way to come back to the US again (or maybe you’ll find yourself in China). If she doesn’t understand and continues to pressure you, then maybe she’s not the one for you.
LIke many American guys (you know what I mean) seems like Alex is using the Chinese lady. Sensitivity to Asian culture means you dont date seriously unless you are serious about marriage. Otherwise you are just leading her on.
It also may come down to a lack of trust for foreign, particularly white males, due to reasons such as these….
http://straightsets.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/13/target-of-llodras-racial-slur-says-a-fine-is-not-enough/
Please read the interview he gave to a Chinese newspaper. This is no way of endearing yourself to an Asian woman!
From my viewpoint Alex has some serious cold feet…and that’s OK. I didn’t gather any hints of him using his girlfriend or planning this. I think he just feels unsure and he is being pressured. It does seems he doesn’t know too much about his girlfriends culture, and I wonder if he knows anything about having a Chinese mother in law! 😉
I have a friend who is half Asian and a US national who married someone from the same country as his Asian half. She came here to visit and now they are working on the paperwork to keep her here…and he is going through SO MUCH. He also had cold feet at first, but decided he loved her and married her. Since your personal assets are involved in keeping your international husband/wife here, he is having some trouble there as well. Did anyone know our country demands an affidavit of financial responsibility signed for a foreign spouse? You are required by law that you will support them for 10 years regardless of divorce.
Just some food for thought. Again, I don’t think Alex is trying to be a jerk, he just is young and unsure. It’s a BIG responsibility.
Alex, do you really love her in your heart? Does she really really love you also? Now, I’m talking about love without pre- planned agenda from your gf and her mom. Seriously man, I truly want an honest answer! I don’t want you to get married and later find out that she ‘s using you for a green card/ U.S citizenship 5 or 6 yrs on the road. I only like story about HONEST LOVE and have a loving marriage for life. Some women right after they get the U.S. citizenship , they start to change and distant themselves and say bye bye. Be careful out there. Know your woman please. Is she compatible with you, Alex? When she becomes bossy etc etc then my friend good luck. If she’s bossy at times BUT she’s willing to work with you and show you more love then you are saved. This is what I see around here.
Bruce
Although I can’t offer any advice, but thanks for the warning Jocelyn 🙂 I wish you best of luck Alex.
A potential solution : you two go to China one year ! You can get a teaching job, won’t be very hard to get in a big city. This way, no immediate wedding, yet you show that you are committed to her, might ensure the actual motivation for both of you, and get to know better where she is from. And travel, all the human adventure around this.
I think Jocelyn has put it rather well and fairly. After five years and you are saying she is trying to use you? Are you not sure you are also using her? I am sure you were not entirely unaware about what your relationship with your Chinese gf means at all? Oh, come on, you can’t be so innocent? 26 and 5 years into the relationship and you want to tell us you are in the relationship just for a relationship that to you you don’t want or not am ready to end in marriage? That’s alright provided you have made your position clear say 2 or 3 years down the road? Okay, you say you are not ready also become you are not financially sound? Who is really? Finance is often used as an excuse/pretext to opt out of a relationship. Now you say you also don’t want to be the one who holds the key to your being together (the corollary the breaking up). Very clever. When things are going smoothly for you, it is alright. When things get a little real, you say pressure. How convenient. If you are not serious or you don’t even know or don’t want to know whether you love her, do yourself and your “pressuring” gf a favour. Get out out quick! The pressure can kill you. Who knows? I also don’t want to be the one to hold the keys to your being alive or half dead. I say it is better to leave. But don’t be a hero.
I think everyone has great points here. My brother was in a similar situation and ended up marrying his Asian girlfriend. They were *only* together for 18 months when she gave him the ultimatum, and he agreed to marry her. I don’t need to elaborate on how it didn’t work out and that they’re divorced now. In my brother’s case, he gained a beautiful daughter from the marriage, so for him it was worth it. But that’s something Alex has to think about. Can he see himself divorced and maybe a single father down the road if he really isn’t sure he wants to marry this woman. Many people get married in their early 20s, but there’s something else here that’s causing him to hesitate. I think he needs to listen to that and examine what exactly is going on here.
Actually, after reading some of the other posts I agree – Alex cannot be that innocent.
I’ll say this-Alex, if you ARE serious about your girlfriend, learn about her culture!!!!
Alex, in life we have to make decisions. You can’t have your girlfriend stay with you without marriage. We don’t have her picture, but if she’s pretty she could have left you in the past 5 years and easily found another man “to use” and marry for citizenship.
Ask yourself a simple question: If she’s going back to China, are you sure that you can find a better woman than her? If you are not sure, then be happy with what you have now.
You don’t have the time to wait and find a job and become financially stable .. while she’s waiting beside you.
My advice is simply is to marry her soon and the two of you can help each other to find jobs, save money and have a family. She isn’t using you more than you’re using her. Marriage is give and take and doing things together and helping each other. Best wishes for both of you … together.
Nowadays, people use each other for comfort, money, companion ,sex and/or just for cuddling. Most people don’t have money when they get married. Alex, ask your gf’s mom for money for the wedding dude. They will understand trust me. Who say that you need money in order to get married? There’s a Chapel in Las Vegas. Viva Las Vegas , baby!! You don’t have to invite 600 people (60 tables) for your wedding anymore. What I see here is LOVE issue not financial issue. I’ve struggled before so I understand every details of everything. I’m struggling right now to make ends meet on a saturday morning. Millionaires complain all the time to me that they’re struggling.
@Giora, good comment.
I think its natural for you to get cold feet as at your age most men anywhere would. But consider her situation. She has been with you for 5 years, which in any culture would qualify as a serious relationship leading to marriage. She may have to be separated from you if she is forced to go back to China. Obviously after committing so much of herself this would hurt her.
If you really love her, you would come up with a solution that can favor you both. The point is not marriage and it does not sound like she is using you. Maybe its hard for you to understand because you have not made as many sacrifices as she probably has for a relationship which is happening OUTSIDE her cultural context, in a foriegn land which will kick her out at their own discretion. It takes guts to be in a relationship like that, and five years is enough time to prove it I think. If she were using you, you would have gotten the ultimatum much earlier.
So if after understanding her situation, you can still only focus on your anxiety, you should not marry her. I think she would be better off that way as she wont be with someone who puts himself above her period. But if you love her and can see that she is genuine, then maybe talk openly with her about your fears and try to search a middle ground. Its natural to be confused as you wont be able to understand her perspective, but if she has never pressured you in 5 yrs and is only doing so now when she may have to leave permanently, maybe she is doing this out of love for you and not the american passport, is that not obvious?
1) I’ve seen many guys dating Asian-Americans in the West who don’t know much about the culture. It’s really only those dating Asians IN ASIA who are forced to learn about it. I suspect the same thing goes for Asians in America who date Americans, particularly non-Asian Americans.
I think it’s important to remember that, in a Western dating context, asking questions about the other person’s culture is frequently seen as exoticising — and therefore racist. In fact, it’s often the thing that sets off a woman’s “fetishdar.” http://www.good.is/post/dealbreaker-he-s-got-an-asian-fetish/
In short, I completely buy it when he says that he never really saw this coming.
2) I know plenty of people who’ve been dating for 5+ years and have no intention of getting married, particularly in the under-30 crowd. Despite what some commentators say, that implication isn’t universal.
3) Marrying someone FOR a tangible object or legal necessity is using them. Staying with them because of that thing and breaking up with them when that thing is withdrawn is using them. Period. I don’t see any evidence from his post that he was using her, and I really think that’s an unfair accusation — and one based on some really sexist ideas about sexuality. However, her desire for a green card and pressure is the sine qua non of an instrumental relationship.
IMO, he needs to break up with her. Marrying someone under duress never ends well for Westerners.
@C
The point is not as much about cultural difference. Though that is a factor. I personally knew an asian girl who was in a similar situation (2 actually, but one was with an asian american, who was as u predicted more emphatic of her situation). The point is that after 5 yrs the girl is not thinking : how can I use this guy to get a green card. Actually its weird to doubt someone you have shared 5 yrs of intimacy with about something like this, unless there are problems in the relationship itself, or unless he never stopped considering her a “chinese potential immigrant” and never got around to seeing her as a person. Also, not surprisingly he doesnt understand her position. 5 yrs is a lot of time investment in a relationship for a girl, chinese or otherwise. Sure there might be weirdos who date for years without no reason, but from what I have heard from my western AND eastern friends, TYPICALLY these are serious relationships. Which means that she is probably more afraid of the separation than the fact that she has to go back to China. Maybe he would not have doubted such things if she was french or british or something? Which is sick really.
Also marriage is not the only solution. If he loves her, maybe as Alex pointed out he can follow her to China and see where the relationship leads. If this were a british woman what would he do?
Again everyone is speculating and he knows his relationship with this woman best. But I find it a saddening that after 5 yrs together, even if he didn’t feel strongly enough about her, he is focussing on “feeling like being used for green card BS” instead of thinking about “Do I love her enough to understand and trust her on whats going on, or do I feel like she was never the one for me to start with?” ;as if every chinese woman would be dying to sell herself for one. There might be some truth to that stereotype, but that doesn’t mean people stop being people and that may not apply to this girl as if she has managed to stay 5+ yrs in the states, she might be an educated person who doesnt really fall into the category of FOB illegal immigrants.
@SBC, a good rebuttal. It is true that ultimately, we do not really know all that is going on between the couple. But 5 years and only now talking of being taken advantage of and of being pressured? It is also true that there are couples who just co-habit as friends or want each other as friends without wanting to be married because they are comfortable with the arrangement for now or for the long term. But we don’t get the sense that this is the case here and it would be rather far-fetched to assume that the guy thought otherwise and still want to continue when everything goes smoothly for him only. Of course, whether to go ahead and marry the girl is something that only he can decide for himself. And if he is not sure and only feels that he is being pressured or taken advantage of, this doesn’t augur well for the relationship. Well when everything is well and hell when when pressure tell? That’s no way a relationship should dwell. Whether East only or West only of East-West or West-East or whatever!
Oops, should have been “…whether East-East only or West-West only or East-West or West-East or whatever!”
I have seen all kinds of cases regarding this subject. Most of the comments are worse case scenerio situation here. When she hasn’t obtained her green card yet, she is sweet and nice. Once , she can stay here legally , she turns into a mean, controlling, bossy person. Sometimes she wants to stay in China for 4 to 5 months “visiting families” BY HERSELF . Hint: who goes to china to visit relatives for 5 months alone when you’re married? 1 to 1 1/2 month is understandable. Freaking 5 months???? I think you guys can fill in the story for me. Of course , not all of the majority of Chinese women are like this. I believe that if you’re truly a confident, caring , NORMAL ( not delusional) man , no woman will leave you for another man or rich man. Alex, just marry her! Use your common sense to guide you. We don’t know your woman, you do. MOST Women are very strange. You always have to show confidence or else they will change so you always to open your mouth frequently and have your own mind. Once you stop talking in the future, forget it. Your life is over! I’ve seen too much and I don’t want to go into details.
Without a job, you won’t be able to sponsor her for a green card anyway as you’ll need to be able to prove that you can support the both of you at 125 percent of the federal poverty level. In addition, the fees to apply will total you about $1500 (for the adjustment of status and the sponsorship petition) which will be difficult if you have no income.
Alex it has been five years. You should know by now rather you want to marry this girl or not. Have a long talk with her, and lay all of your cards on the table, and listen to what she says as well. You’ve gotten some good advice from other people here, so do something. Good luck in whatever decision is made.
I agree with Jocelyn’s explanation that Alex has been broadcasting marriage signals. Anyone – even an American – would expect to be getting married after five years unless he specifically said four years ago that he didn’t want to be married. In my mind, he ought to know her well enough to know that this wouldn’t be a marriage of convenience solely for HER benefit…If I were his girl, I would be hurt and confused that he would be with me for five years, then not want to marry me, even if it means we would never see each other again. OUCH! It would be difficult but I would have to move on if I were her.
“Anyone – even an American – would expect to be getting married after five years unless he specifically said four years ago that he didn’t want to be married. ”
In an era of John Edwards and Newt Gingrich, I am not very sure!
DAMN IT! let me get it straight once and for all here. You should know after 3 yrs if you two are compatible already. Of course, there is always something that you don’t like in a person but who is perfect. Just get married and get a part time job or two part time jobs. Anything is okay for now and work your way up. It’s tough to find a job now. You can’t just demand high salary now if you don’t have experience. Survival mode for now and with time, go for your dream job later. Just do it man. If you married a person you enjoy spending time with , that’s the number goal already.
Going on and off arelationship sounds like she was not fair with you pal.To me it sounds like you are not sure whether she was cheating on you, maybe dating some other guy or not paying you as much attention as you require from your potential wife. If that is the case, talk it through with her. On the other hand, many woman all round the world, and chinese areno exception, expect to be maintained for life by their husband. Maybe this isthe reason for her not finding ajob in the US, even in this hard times foremployment. If she really wants you, she must know that a wedding is not a blank banknote where she will write any amount of money, but rather a joint endeavour. If she showed moreinterestinto geting her visa by other means than getting married, this would be a good signal to marry her. Otherwise, you better forget about it: China is too big to lay on your shoulders.
I have been talking with a few friends of mine about marriage over the past 3 weeks now. Alll of us believe in marriage except one dude (friend 🙂 ) we know personally. If you have an understanding , supportive wife ( regardless of race), you will be much happier. Even though I’m a crazy guy by heart but I’m very glad that I’m married for 10 plus yrs and dated for 3 yrs. You know there is no other feeling like being happily married. We work hard together as a couple and achieving our goals and dreams together . It’s just wonderful. We earned everything by ourselves and nobody helped us with anything. It’s a very valuable feeling that money can’t buy. Having someone to share your pain ,wealth and joy together is like winning a lottery already. Even if you wait until you’re successful and have $300M in your bank acct, there is no guarantee that you will find another woman just like this one ( I just used this line to convince my friend to marry his gf a few months ago. Damn that was a beautiful wedding I’ve ever seen so far). When you’re wealthy as a man, women look at you differently so it’s a good start to marry a woman while you have nothing. Don’t worry about having no money or getting a divorce in the future right now. Why people are getting divorces? answer: people just don’t compromise period and using so many excuses to cover up their asses. In my opinion, you have the power to control whether your marriage will go left or right. There are many ways to make your wife love you more and more. Women need to be appreciated, loved and pleased ( not spoiled). Do you know that human beings are afraid of being alone when we get older so we always need another person around us? You know you pave your own future! if a woman wants to marry a rich man who treats her like a dog (dirt), good for her ( I know one woman right now in this situation. She cries but too late baby!!). If a woman wants to marry an avg guy who treats her with respects ,honesty and dignity, she will have a rich life long term. If I don’t talk , I won’t say anything. If I talk, I can talk for hrs. I hope I won’t get feedback like ” YOU LIE!!! marriage shouldn’t be like this”. well, entertain me so I can laugh :). My comment can be worse but I promise myself to cool down a little bit. Maybe I’m energized all the time :).
Let me get this right…
26 years old, been in a relationship for five years…
So you were 21 when this began (no need to compliment me on my math)….
Man, let’s be realistic. You wanna get busy with other girls and if you marry now you’ll always feel regret that you haven’t slept with enough women. You’re a man…. not a girl, you’re not a Chinese girl either.
You’ve been riding the waves easily for 5 years, as others have suggested, you kind of know you’re not really serious. You are feeling pressured into marriage because you are being pressured into marriage.
She’s in your country, not you in hers… seriously who cares about her culture. She and her mother should have the culture of being ‘human’… and it’ll never be human for a westerner to marry when his/her heart is not in it. So don’t do it. It’s fair enough if she wants to marry for whatever reasons…
Her culture is not your culture. Grow a pair and go find someone else. I’m guessing one of the main points though is you think maybe another won’t be as good as her, but it’s still no reason to marry her. ‘Good’ is not equal to love and never has been… unless you have a somewhat ‘flexible’ Chinese mind.
Contrary to a females view, it’s common and usual for a man to be in a long term relationship without any intention of marrying. She’s in America, not China. I’m sure actually she has adapted to you a lot… let’s face it, she did. But, just because a female thinks if she changes enough equals a man will marry her is not the case.
Take a male and a female who’ve been in a long term relationship and ask them separately what they honestly consider about their relationship and it will go something like the following:
Woman: “we met, and it was complicated at first, yet love won the day as together we faced many challenges but worked it out together as a couple. Now we are preparing for the day we will marry and have babies, although he wants to be more successful in his career first.”
Man: “We just had sex a few times yet she kept hanging around, and well, you know, the sex was good and she was kind of OK to hang-out with, so I just kept seeing her. She wants to marry, but I just keep stalling her by telling her I have a busy career and so on. I’m just keeping my eye out for someone I like better.”
Alex… break it off and go sleep with more women. It’s what you want. If you worry you can’t get more women then that’s something you have to work on. You’re a man, not a girl.
You don’t need to marry… they do.
@Sam, you wrote, “Contrary to a females view, it’s common and usual for a man to be in a long term relationship without any intention of marrying.” Doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do — especially if the woman is not aware that the man doesn’t intend to stick around in the relationship. In Alex’s case, he did many things that suggested he was in this relationship for the long haul, so in his case, yes, he was being disingenuous towards his girlfriend. It is never good behavior to deceive your girlfriend in a relationship.
I don’t care that you say Chinese culture isn’t the man’s culture, that’s a bullshit argument — and it’s the kind of thing that Chinabounder would use (and we all know how well that turned out for him). When you date someone from another culture, ignoring their culture is rude and disrespectful.
But further, I noticed some of the commenters in this thread happened to bring up an idea — that stringing a woman along for years isn’t OK behavior, even in Western countries. And frankly, I couldn’t agree more (I usually suggest that women shouldn’t stay with a guy more than 2 years if he doesn’t offer a proposal). The dialogue you present at the bottom is just despicable, it’s the kind of idea of a man who simply wants to use women for sex for years (without them realizing it) and then toss them away when he’s tired of them (as if we were just toys that a guy tires of). Is this how you treat women, Sam?
In my opinion, a real man isn’t a man who spends his life jumping in and out of bed with women (and lying to them in the process); a real man handles his relationships with integrity — he tells a woman about his intentions up-front. Further, I’d argue that it takes far more balls to commit to someone in marriage.
Sam,
You get it all wrong about men and women. It’s not always about sex man. The first 6 months is about sex and sparks but after one yr it’s NOT about sex anymore. It’s another level in a relationship. If you’re in a REAL relationship, you will understand what I mean. Countless men told me many times that they slept with 3 to 4 women at one time and after a while doing that, they felt bored. All those women always wanted a relationship and wanted more from them (bf/gf, etc). It’s very hard to bounce several women around at the same time. It takes alot of time and money. You will feel numb and you don’t really know who is a good candidate to marry. Do you know what? A real man will not have cold feet about marriage. A real man will take full responsibility and go ahead with this marriage! I haven’t seen men who sleep around with hundreds or thousands of women have good ending because they’ve never had real relationships in the first place. If you are a man or a woman who wants to sleep around ONLY, go to the clubs. Most of them only look for one thing only there. My question is : do you really love her and does she really love you? For example that I’m a single guy dating this woman and her parents are rich. If I love her and she loves me for real!! Of course, her millionaire parents will be very afraid that you might only marry their daughter for money. I will say this over dinner with her and her parents that I DON’T WANT A PENNY FROM YOUR FAMILIES AND YOUR DAUGHTER. I ONLY WANT YOUR DAUGHTER! PREPARE THE PRENUP CONTRACT AND I WILL SIGN!!!!. This same line will work if you encounter this kind of situation. That’s life that when you have money ,you’re afraid to get married. If you don’t have money, you’re afraid to get married also. Just do it, get married. I had nothing when I got married and now I have everything and a few real estates. You can do it. If you’re a hard worker and a doer like me, the opportunity is endless. Stop being a sissy man. It’s true that good woman only come once sometimes so think twice or else you’ll miss the BOAT! Stop F…… around, you will regret it once timing is right. Most men and women are not marriage material so be careful :). Yes , sleeping around with lots of men or women is fun to SOME people but when you need help, they kick you to the curb!
@Alex
Three years, you should be able to find out wether she can be trusted or not. As her first boyfriend, you took her virginity which is still the greatest value for Chinese culture. If you dumped her, her future would be damaged to find a nice traditional Chinese man in China.
If her dad is around, you would face a shotgun marriage. Just kidding. But think about it unless you are heartless.
I agree with Jocelyn 110% that it takes far more balls to be committed in a relationship. Temptation is a man’s worse enemy!!! In America, we have more than 50% divorce rate and that’s scary to even think about marriage. If I’m a single guy right now , I’m afraid too to tell the truth! Most family oriented women are taken and you are left with divorced , selfish women . Most American women won’t marry down but American men will marry down ( so they go to foreign countries to get women). I’ve learned alot about marriage and these are the followings:
1) work as a team
2) unselfish
3)communication
4)commitment
5) hardworking
6)dedication and more commitment
7) never about breasts size, vagina size or penis size ( those are for sluts,whore and idiots)<—— these people will never ever be committed regardless because they are always thinking /wandering/searching for something/someone .
8)face problems together ASAP 365 days a yr.
I can list more but I'm busy now. These are only my opinions. Of course I'm generalizing but I'm applying those principles right now and they are working.
Wow, Alex, if I would be ur gf and read ur letter I’d certainly feel offended. Funny that so many Americans think that all people from Asia or Eastern Europe would sell their souls just to get a green card. My friend met one girl from the US when he was studying in Prague a few years ago and they became very good friends (only friends). Later she went back to America, he went back to Poland but they still used to chat on skype very often. Then girl’s mom warned her that this polish guy surely wants to seduce her and get a green card. Yeah, right.
But let’s look at my situation from your point of view. I’m also 26, live in China with my chinese bf. I’ve met his family, I love them and they love me. He never met my parents, just had a chat with my dad on skype once or twice. I have a job here but like many foreigners have to struggle with ridiculous regulations and need to do the “visa run”, which means that I have to go to Hongkong often (to get a new visa or just to cross the chinese border and then come back). Now, it would be so much easier to get married with my bf and get the residence permit! Our relationship is serious and we want to be together anyway, marriage would just make things easier for both of us. So do you think that my bf should feel like I want to use him?
But anyway, Alex. I really don’t understand how you could be with a Chinese girl for so long and you never were curious about chinese view on relationships. How can one date someone from different culture without this kind of curiosity?
Aha, and one more thing. You are not a child any more, many people all over the world (yes, also in the US) get married when they are 26.
Typical arrogant Western man, taking non-Westerners’ affection for granted, as if the whole non-Western world exists to serve his need (incld. lust), without reciprocating the same kind of emotional attachment.
And there’s no shortage of non-Westerners with Pinkerton syndromes who gladly debase themselves being with such Western bigots.
Being married has a lot of advantage over being single! You have more buying power with combined income from both of you. Who doesn’t have to work nowadays ? I’m working right now at this SECOND while I’m typing here. If you don’t respect her and each other’s culture, there is no need to continue any relationship period!! Women get frustrated gradually my friend and things won’t look good when they explode. You guys don’t have to take my words for it.
YOU SIR ARE A SCUMBAG. HAVE SOME ETHICS. IF YOU CARED EVEN A WINK ABOUT HER, YOU WOULD HAVE MARRIED HER YEARS AGO. NOT DRAGGED ON A BOOTY CALL RELATIONSHIP ON AND OFF FOR YEARS. SHE SHOULD BE HOPING TO LEAVE THE USA AND YOUR LOSER LAOWAI ASS.
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The animosity displayed by some of the commenters here is appalling. People from different cultures sometimes get in relationships, and for whatever reason there are miscommunications and differences in expectations.
I have been married to a Chinese woman for almost seven years now, and the marriage occurred under circumstances very similar to the one discussed here. The only difference is that we had only been dating for about a year and a half before getting married, and during that period we were in China.
I was at a point where I did not want to stay in China any longer. I wanted to go back to school, be closer to my family, and begin to develop a more serious career. I was a young 25. But given the context of our relationship, moving back to the US to accomplish these goals alone was made to seem like it would require “abandoning” her in China. My decision then was to either “abandon” her, or bring her back to the US to get married. I couldn’t deal with the guilt associated with the former option, so I chose the latter.
And yes, after 7 years, I feel like this was a great mistake. We have very little in common, we come from extremely different backgrounds, and it is near impossible to feel engaged when I am in conversation with her. Getting out then would have done a service to both of us, I’m sure of it. Now more than ever, I feel like her whole life is my responsibility, and it feels more and more like I am trapped. I notice that there are people in this world who get emotional and intellectual fulfillment through their partners, and that this would have been possible for me had I been a little bit braver seven years ago.
Yea, you definitely gotta watch out for the chinese girl’s family for a number of reasons:
http://voices.yahoo.com/watch-out-chinese-parents-12144276.html?cat=41
I am a 26 year old American guy and I resent the comment section. Its hard when you can say hi to a girl every morning and break her heart every time you walk away. Oh so hard.
But seriously, after 5 years your basically married anyways. 2 more years and its common law.