Ken asks:
I went over to New York when I was 20 years old and I finished my BA and my MBA there. I also worked there for about one year before I decided it was time to come back to China with my classmate/girlfriend then who was from New York. I was able to make the decision of coming back to China because my girlfriend was very supportive of this decision, which, to be very honest, was really to my surprise because she never had been outside of the States except for going to Canada that one time.
When we came back to China, we came back to my hometown near Guangzhou. My job was to take over my parents’ factory and export business and she also found a teaching job at a local college. Our life in China officially began. At first, it was really nice and exciting. But as time went on, I got vert busy at work and started to travel a bit. But I still tried to spend as much time with her as possible like going out to buffets and taking short vacations together within the Guangdong area. But she never really studied Mandarin because she said she did not like the sound of it according to her. So instead, she tried to study Cantonese but she had a very hard time learning for some reason even though we paid to have a teacher come and help her on a regular basis. So she never was able to communicate with my parents and family even though my parents loved her very much. As for her job, she was ok with it. But as for me, I never really liked her job. So to make her life better, I tried to start a business with her together. We decided to represent a foreign brand and become the the sole agent for this brand here in China. But without a lot of experience and connection, it was a very difficult start for us and we started to have arguments from time to time. Looking back, I think maybe this is something I thought she would like and she was thinking this is something that she thought she was doing to make me happy. At the end, it hurt our relationship. As time went on, with the pressure of the business, the pressure of getting around and communicating with my family without knowing the language, I noticed her being less and less talkative. The third year after living here in China, she went home for Christmas like she always did, then I got a phone call from her and she basically told me that she decided not to come back to China and asked me not to hate her and that she thought living in the States was the best way for herself and we should just be apart from each other. She did not give me any chance to discuss with her. That was her final decision, which was a huge huge shock to me because I never thought this would happen to me being that this is my first love relationship and that we had been together for 5 years.
This was 2 years ago, I tried to go out with Chinese girls and tried to forget everything that happened. But I simply could not get anywhere with any Chinese girl that I went out with. I realize I still like to be with foreign girls. And I know given a second chance with a good foreign girl like my ex, I would deal with it a lot better than before. And I know this is the only thing that would truly make me happy even though my parents, being as nice as they are, still very much scared of me being with another foreign girl because of what happened with my ex and they still could not understand why she would leave because she was treated and loved so much here in China. Guess my parents still felt a little betrayed especially in her phone call and brief emails to me after she went back to the US and decided not to come back, she only asked about the two dogs that we had together and did not even mention my parents very much.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I still feel like I connect with foreign girls the most and I mea the kind, nice, caring and funny foreign girls like my ex, not the crazy ones you often find in so many bars these days. I think of myself as a nice, funny, handsome Chinese guy. Although I am 34 year old, I still truly believe there is a right foreign girl out there for me, whom I can connect with once again and who I can share all the happiness and the sadness in life with once again. But I truly don’t know where I can connect with a nice foreign girl again now that I am back in China and I just wish there is site or group put there for Chinese guys like myself. Please advise!?
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Ken, who says you can’t find another foreign woman to love in China?
Okay, I know, the odds don’t seem to favor you:
According to our survey data, assuming these are representative of the larger population, single Western women constitute less than 20 percent of all foreign teachers in China and are the least likely to remain in China for more than one year.
But Guangzhou still holds one of the largest foreign populations in China, probably more than 100,000 — which means, potentially, there could be more than 10,000-20,000 single foreign women in town.
Plus, you’ll probably have an easier time connecting with women already in China. Sure, some turn out to be the kind of “expat party girls” you’re not into, or just here because their company sent them to Guangzhou. Others, however, come to experience the country and culture, study the languages, and more — more like the kind of nice women you had in mind.
Start with the expat magazines/sites — in your area, you’ve got That’s PRD (Pearl River Delta) and Guangzhou Stuff, to name a few. These offer clues to places, groups and organizations where you can potentially meet like-minded Western women. Guangzhou Stuff, for example, lists groups on its site as well as events. That’s PRD has listings, events and more. You may need to search through them and find those events/groups/places that you happen to like, and that you’ll have a better chance of meeting single women at. Forget the bars/clubs, since that’s not your scene; instead, consider gyms (women especially love yoga/pilates classes), Chinese language groups, author readings or book discussions, outdoor activities, and even charities and volunteer groups. Not everything will work out, but the more places/groups you try, the more chances you have.
Check out your local universities with foreign students. Sara Jaaksola famously moved to Guangzhou to study Chinese at Sun Yat-sen University and found love with a Chinese man she met in town — why can’t it happen with you? Chinese language corners or practice groups at universities could potentially be great places to meet young foreign women who really care about the country and culture, but you may need to ask around to find them.
Don’t rule out networking either. One Chinese man found a foreign woman because he told his friend at the gym he was looking for a girl, and his friend gave that guy’s e-mail to foreign woman he knew. Another guy met a foreign woman at a bar, but because he didn’t speak great English, he gave that woman’s number to another guy (and yes, they married). You never know who might introduce you to your future wife, so don’t forget to tell everyone you know you’re on the lookout for love.
And give all Western women a chance. Most Chinese men assume “white” when they think “Western woman” or “foreign woman,” but China has some great catches out there who aren’t white.
Don’t give up, Ken. You may need months or more before you even meet the right woman. But as they say in Chinese, hǎoshìduōmó (好事多磨, the best things in life don’t come easy).
P.S.: I titled this “More on…” because I answered a similar question almost two years ago, which you can check out here.
P.P.S.: Apologies to Ken for posting this late on Friday!
What did I miss? What other advice do you have for Ken?
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Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.
Unfortunately I can’t give him advice, but something like that happened to me actually. Few years back I dated a Korean guy for two and a half years. He was an international student and having trouble in US, working and studying at the same time basically. In 2010 I knew he’d leave but I thought he’d leave later rather than sooner. Imagine my shock when I called him and he said he was no longer in Texas but in California! My parents were very angry with his behavior. We were nice to him and treated him very well. Sorry for the long rambling and all, happy holidays to everyone.
I think her parents probably were trying to convince her not to marry a non-white person and finally convinced her two christmases ago. Ditto for Sveta’s Korean boyfriend. His parents probably did not want him to marry a non-Korean. Unfortunately that is life.
I don’t understand why you’re looking for a western girl after the way this girl treated you. She didn’t bother to learn the language “because she didn’t like the sound of it”, she broke off with you without giving you any explanation , and she hurt your parents’ feelings. Meaning she is a typical western girl who changes her mind on a whim and don’t care about anyone but herself. And you’re calling her a “nice” one !!
I have learned spanish, japanese, vietnamese and english and im Chinese.yeah French sounds better” pierre! Pierre!” Lol so funny . Once you get into it everything sounds good man
“I don’t understand why you’re looking for a western girl after the way this girl treated you.”
If he goes for a Chinese girl after a Chinese girl treats him that way, he is only fair going after a western girl after a western girl treated him that way. However, one has to be very careful these days!
Something similar happened to a young man from southern India at the Unviersity of Georgia back in 1995-96 and this did not even involve any romance. It involved a daughter of a white American missionary doctor in a South Indian town. She promised to help him when he came to UG. She did for the first couple of days..but her friends did not want her to help the Indian guy settle down as it gave a wrong impression of her being romantically interested in a non-white guy and he was not even really dark. very tanned..unusual for a south Indian. So she looked the other way whenever she came across him. Then an incident took place in a town called Thomasville, GA…..
http://www.nytimes.com/1996/03/29/us/anger-over-effort-to-disinter-an-infant-of-mixed-race.html?pagewanted=all&src=pm
He was afraid that he will loose faith in Christianity and he returned to India after graduation at the end of 1996. Then in 2000 Purdue University convinced him to return to the US and I met him on a plane from Chicago to Lafayette three weeks before 9/11/2001. He got his PhD in one of the engineering fields from Purdue and is now teaching at a University here in the US…far from the US South!
Relationships do not always work out. It is best to let go of the past and move on. I am sure that with patience and some work and/or luck or 缘分if you like, you will be able to find the girl you want. Jocelyn has provided much useful information as to how to get in touch with western women in China. 加油!
Ken,
I am a foreign woman married to a Chinese man and we live in China. We run into foreign women all the time looking for Chinese men to date. So, you should not have any problem finding a western woman in China that will match you. I understand why she would feel lonely and uncomfortable… I have felt that way with my inlaws due to the fact they speak local dialect.. and I cant understand or speak to them very easily. But finding a girl that is already in China is a good idea… not only will she love the culture more than likely she has learned some of the language or is willing to learn it. Keep your head up and visit my website there are some links on there that are websites for Asian men lookind for foreign women. The most important thing is get out there and mingle… a foreign girl isnt just going to walk up to your house and knock on the door… you need to go out and find her. good luck…
Ken,
I speak Cantonese fluently so I can relate to you :). I strongly agree that you should get to know more people in China who hang out with foreigners. About finding a woman who will connect with you will take time and it’s not going to take a few months to develop this kind of commitment. I truly understand what you mean . Ken, it’s great that you’re a nice and funny guy but don’t be too nice. I’m a nice and funny guy also but I take my jokes to another level (my jokes are unpredictable and you can’t stop laugh if you try 🙂 unless you want internal bleedings ). I can assure you that being nice and funny is not enough in a long term relationship. You will need an extra edge in your life right now like leadership, understanding and the drive to work out anything in your future relationship. This “never give up” attitude will attracts more women toward you. I hope everyone here will understand me now this time on this discussion why I keep on saying it’s very difficult to find a good woman or a good man. Ken, I know your ex gf is a nice woman but to me she lacks commitment and the willingness to learn /try new things like learning another language. What is this “Chinese doesn’t sound good to her?” I’m trying to learn how to speak like rednecks ,too doesn’t sound good but I just like to learn. It’s fun to learn new things / languages. I’ve tried to learned several languages and some people can’t even handle one language. What a disgrace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!You stop learning when you die. Mark my words. I love to explore new hobbies, new languages, new vacation destinations etc. Yes, be open minded about everything and be happy and don’t expect your next gf will be like your ex gf like nice ,funny etc. Oh man let me take you about women here! SOme women are nice, mean,funny ,sacrastic and loving in their ways. Basically, you’re looking for commitment , commitment, commitment and understanding all the way in your relationship. Let me tell you that some women will love ya until you die. They don’t care if you will be a fat ass or bald head as long as you’re not a d***head :). Knowing more friends is a sure way to know your future gf. Your friends know almost everything about her already so it’s easier , friendlier to ask that woman out. You can do it . All you need is an extra push and you’re there already.Once , you mingle with friends/western women, just ask them out. If you’re a good cook, you can cook a mean steak for her . I’ve talked to many western women and I don’t think it’s that hard to get to know them. Ken, I hate to say this to you but I don’t like people who give up on you rather that person is a man or woman. Your ex gf gave up on you dude but don’t be hurt or depressed. Let’s move forward here. MOST IMPORTANTLY PEOPLE, NEVER BE WITH A WOMAN WHO WILL GIVE UP ON YOU no matter how nice she is. It was a good thing that she was your ex gf and not your wife. Ken , if your ex gf asks you to take her back again, please don’t do it. If my woman says that she can’t communicate to my family. I would say “hey listen honey, communicate with me here not my family . Are you married to me or my family? ” Take charge of any situations and build confidence in your relationship. If she still leaves, buy her a plane ticket and tell her never to come back again!If a person wants to leave ,he/she will leave no matter what! if he/she doesn’t want to leave, you can kick him/her out the door and still he/she won’t leave. Yes, a relationship seems like a fairy tale in the beginning but trouble is ENDLESS afterward! Always have to talk and compromise all the time. Look for functions, charities, volunteer work, the park,museums, restaurants, coffee shop , tours for foreigners?. Ask friends/co workers where those foreigners hang out and track them down.
Others have given up on you but not this guy here —-> Bruce
I would actually advise him to look into his bias against bars. It sounds like the writer is making the famous mistake that women who go to bars are “bad” and “not wife material.” We’re not.
The West is a different culture. Often times you just go to bars because that’s the only real place to socialize — apartments are too small, meeting people online is too impersonal, etc. Plus, people have been going to bars for hundreds of years in the West.
I’d also be careful about the gym advice. I know my friends and I get REALLY angry when people try to talk to us at gyms. We go there to exercise, not to get dates. If they had an all-women’s gym, we’d go there. It’s actually gotten to the point where I’ve stopped going because of the harassment.
I’m back! It’s Dec 24,2011 hint hint ! :). Before I’m going to start a big party today I want to say something while waiting for my breakfast. My wife is making breakfast for me right now :). You can meet women EVERYWHERE including the gym, bars and clubs. You just have to know her and that will take time. If she still doesn’t get serious and open up to you outside the gym,bar and club then you know what to do and I don’t have to tell you what to do next. We have a Cantonese saying ” marry a chicken, follow a chicken. marry a pig, follow a pig” Please translate that in Cantonese. At the age of 34, you should find a woman who is about to think about the future like family, work and activities that are healthy. I wouldn’t want a woman who is too nice . Get someone who is between nice and mean. No, don’t get a crazy , stubborn , troublemaking woman, then you will LOVE IT hahahahahah lol :). Anyway, time to prepare for the party.
Hi Ken,
I think it sounds like you have a great attitude toward opening yourself up to another person. You’re keen to share yourself with someone but you need to find someone also willing to share themselves with you. That “it doesn’t sound good” excuse doesn’t pass muster with me. It’s difficult to learn a new language and deal with the challenges of a new culture all at once. Particularly if you’re coming from your home country and haven’t ever been anywhere before (or in her case, anywhere that wasn’t almost exactly like home).
I like to think that people are bound to their languages because they learned to love from them first. It’s what they know. It’s how they love and were loved (from family forward). It’s also easy. But in my experience, when you find someone to share your time with and build a life with, they become part of that love that binds you to everything that is home. So, learning something new, working with your partner, etc. can be difficult, but is done in and for love. So is learning the language that comes with it. It’s a big part of why I’m in China. I moved here to be with the person I intended to marry. I started learning the language. I knew that if we had kids, it would be important to teach them everything I could about both cultures…and then some.
I know other women doing similar things to connect to the culture for their own reasons. They’re not all party girls who don’t seem to be what you’re looking for anyway. There are lots of great women here. They can be anywhere. They go to bars, they go to gyms, they go to other places you’d find yourself anyway. Why not just be yourself and go strike up a conversation with one when you’re out doing what you enjoy?
In any event, good luck to you as you venture out into dating foreigners again. I’m sure when you find the right one, both you and your parents will see a stark difference between her and the girl you dated before….and all for the better.
Buena suerte y Feliz Navidad! (Good luck & Merry Christmas!)
Mayte
It doesn’t sound like your ex-girlfriend did not put enough effort being with you in China. She stayed in China but have not the will to learn the language!??? I don’t know how you can life in a country without learning the language…? I don’t know, from your story she sounds unsupportive and immature.
May be I am too sensitive but for me five years into serious relationship is long over due for a proposal, unless she was really young. Maybe she was disappointed for that? As to language learning, I had refused to learn local dialect because I could get away with Mandarin only. Sounds like she could get away with not learning Mandarin somehow for five years.
Anyway, good luck and happy holidays!
Hi!
I’m a Hungarian girl living in China and as far as I see coffee bars are also a good idea. Here in Qingdao I couldn’t go to a coffee bar without meeting an other foreigner. I’m sure there are a lot of nice, intelligent, open-minded Western girl (interested in Chinese culture and language) out there who are willing to meet and date Chinese guys.
And don’t give up if the first attempt fails. Belive me: we’re also struggling to find a sensible, loving mate who really wants to know us not just dating us because we’re “unique” or “interesting”.
Sok szerencsét! / Good luck!
Ken,
I sympathize with you really, 5 years is a long time. I’m also sorry if your parents felt offended or cheated because I know how warm and caring chinese parents can be to a foreign girlfriend of their son.
You’ve been abroad before so you are surely aware of the differences between living in China and living in the US (or anywhere else). Believe me that living in China can be extremely hard for a foreign girl. I truly love my boyfriend and his family but I have to admit that I hate living in China and have breakdowns very often. Although I’m very independent and I really like to spend some time alone, China makes me feel terribly lonely. Mostly because I know that I’m being watched all the time and all the people around are very curious about me, but there’s actually nobody I can talk with. I don’t have real chinese friends and it’s not because of the language barrier but we have different view on many basic matters, different sence of humor and so on. And there are many other things which can make life of a foreign girl in China very hard. So despite the fact that I’m sorry for you, I fully understand your ex girlfreind’s decision. Sometimes love is simply not enough.
I also don’t like mandarin but I’m trying to learn it, cause I’m dying to be able to talk with my boyfriend’s parents, uncles, aunts and other family members! I’m sure that they have so many stories to tell about living in China in last few decades, I don’t want to miss this opportunity 🙂
Don’t be affraid of girls who spend their free time in bars, they really don’t have to be “bad, easy party girls” like many chinese would think. I’m not a great fan of KTV and chinese bars/clubs, but sometimes to me there’s nothing better than just to go out for shaokao with my boyfriend’s dad or my tibetan friend and have a few beers. I know that in Guangzhou there are a few pubs in a western style and I’ve seen mostly foreigners there (of course, they were more expensive than shaokao but it was not a disaster).
I’ve met my boyfriend at jiayuan 😉 but because the website is in chinese, there are mostly chinese girls there. I know that there’s sth like QQ Personals and there are many foreign girls looking for a chinese boyfriend. I don’t know how this website works exactly but maybe you can try. And, just like Jocelyn said, thaere’s Guangzhou Stuff, you can try Shenzhen Stuff and Shenzhen Party as well 🙂
Wish you all the best, I hope that you’ll find the right girl soon.
@2 Cents “Meaning she is a typical western girl who changes her mind on a whim and don’t care about anyone but herself.”
I’m not sure if it helps to say this again, but not all the Western girls are the same! We come from so many different nationalities and have some many different personalities, that it’s impossible to say that Western girls are this or that.
@C “I would actually advise him to look into his bias against bars. It sounds like the writer is making the famous mistake that women who go to bars are “bad” and “not wife material.” We’re not. ”
I met my boyfriend in a bar and he first thought that I’m not a good wife material because of that, but in just a few days he noticed that it wasn’t true. I don’t know if a bar is the best place to meet anyone, but there are a lot of us good girls there too 🙂
I’ve noticed something here that shocked me. ” I love you but I’m not willing to learn your language. Your language sounds ( any language) “not good”. I don’t like it” Tell me , what language sounds good to you then. Does Chinese food taste good or eating burger/pizza good? All I know is that once you’re are in your comfort zone , you don’t want to learn another language or eat any type of food from any countries. To me NO languages sound good to me, period! I’m open minded and I like to learn new things so I force myself to learn. Spanish is okay to learn. Chinese is harder but once you put your mind and heart to it it’s not hard. Commitment has many meanings to different people. The question is do you have the commitment to succeed in a relationship?If you want the relationship to work , you must learn the language and try the food. IF I have a German gf , I have to learn the language and try everything on the menu and try to cook something I like or pack my bags and leave. For example, I would love to live on a 2 acres lot but I don’t want to do yard work. We must adapt to our new environment.
Bruce, it sounds like the writer’s ex was a victim of culture shock.
I read an article that found that Western women are susceptible to it than men in Asia. A lot of it is the fact that most employers and schools don’t prepare us for dealing with Asia’s peculiar patriarchial issues (e.g. how to deal with the psychological damage of people always saying “You’re so fat!”). Consequently, many Western women refuse to learn the language as a psychological defense against this perceived emotional abuse* — and then leave Asia as fast as possible.
The fact that (a) she had a boyfriend and (b) she had her boyfriend’s family who tried to be supportive (albiet in an indirect, Chinese way) gave her a support network that most Western women don’t have. While that’s helpful, I think that many Westerners need other Westerners who are going through the same thing.
As the cliche goes, sometimes love just isn’t enough.
*I don’t think abuse from the Chinese perspective. I think it can be from the Western one.
@C… I agree with you on this one…. culture shock is very hard to deal with over here as a woman. Pointing, staring .. begin call fat… or in my case… too dark. It wears on your self-esteem and confidence… I am a pretty strong woman… but it even gets to me sometimes. I can understand her need to get out of china. It is probably not what she expected, and I am sure she knew he wasnt moving back to the states. having other westerns help you a lot….
Pretty fascinating that people still look down on dark skins in China despite the fact that darker part of China (the south) is richer than the lighter part of China (the North). The same is true of India. Although all billionaires come from the lighter skinned north, the dark skinned south has twice as many millionaires than the light skinned north and on average the light skinned north is far poorer. If you are a dark skinned south Indian you are at least twice as likely to live longer than the light skinned north Indian. Despite this the dark skinned south Indians still want to be light or white. As a dark skinned south Indian woman once told me that is something all her millions cannot buy.
I will agree with everything C says if white women in America date or marry Asian American men in large numbers. Culture should not be an issue between white Americans and Asian Americans born and brought up in this country, but color is. So much so, I see more white American women with Asian men in China than in the US despite the fact that the white American women are far fewer in number in the former. May be in her case it was culture. However, whether they call white women fat or not, they are revered in Asia far more than the thin Asian women and the reverence comes from the Asian women. Case in point is the Bossini Clothing store in Singapore. They only use blonde western women to attract Asian women to their stores in Singapore. They conducted an experiment in 2004. They put Asian women models up just for a day…sales dropped by half and the next day when they put up white models the sales increased and got back to normal. The change was mostly due to Asian women. What bothers me is a young girl from Evergreen, CO living in Singapore took advantage of this and made loads of money (she also ended up posing in traditional Chinese clothing), at the same time her family was vehemently supporting a congressman who wanted to stop Asians and all other dark skinned people from coming to this country.
@C.
I am constantly shocked and bemused by the ability of some Western expats to portray the local population as “the bad guy” when they cannot adapt successfully to the social environment. As a general observation, Westerners living in China receive above-average services and treatment when dealing with local businesses or public agencies, if not still much better. When I first traveled to Beijing in the mid-1990s, I was flabbergasted to find some of the parks even had VIP bathrooms installed that were reserved exclusively for foreign visitors. The ex-girlfriend did a lousy thing to the LW, leaving in that unceremonious way and without making even a decent effort to communicate what it was that she found so unbearable about her life in the country.
If you think China can be tough for Western visitors, you should try walking in the shoes of Chinese students or workers living in the West. Or maybe when you finally shake that “I’m better than them” attitude, you’ll come to appreciate the kindness and hospitality of those people around you.
Kedai:
Are white people treated better in Asia, especially China than Chinese people (even Chinese Americans) are treated in this country? Absolutely yes! In this case his parents treated her very well at least according to him. However, there is no info on whether her parents were accepting or whether he even met her parents. Most likely they were not very accepting and there is a general tendency for Asians not to speak about this lack of acceptance because you loose face. People will say “he went after a white girl, look what happened to him?” May be it was her parents who convinced her to drop him because they found an Asian son-in-law sociall unacceptable. If you have a white girlfriend in the US and something happens to her (I mean murder out on the street), they will nail the Chinese boyfriend first and most likely her parents some of whom are not probably accepting of a non-white boyfriend will want his head first. If you dont believe me try Texas, Louisiana or any southern state…the prosecutors will go after you first and the US Supreme Court led by Antonin Scalia will protect them even if they convict the wrong man!
I see a lot of Chinese men and women have culture shock in America ,too but what’s the big deal!! You must learn to adapt or leave!!!!!!!!! There is no excuse man!!! When I moved here in america 30 yrs ago, I had to adapt to the culture ,too. When I moved to another state in America, I had to adapt to another culture ,too. Now I love it after 13 yrs here. First yr was difficult and lonely but I hung on. You have to let go of everything in order to feel adjusted at your new location. Hey, if I move to Russia, will I have culture shock ? Of course! I’m Chinese but if I move to HK, I will still feel alienated because of the culture there. Only open minded and committed people can survive in any condition.
I travel all across the world for my job with an international organization and last year I was in one country on average for four days in the entire month of June and I had to adapt although all these countries were in Asia. Some of them were Buddhist, some Christian, some Hindu and some moslem. So I had to adapt every four days especially dealing with government officials. So one has to adapt if he or she travels abroad.
Well, some foreigners can adapt in China and they really enjoy living there, others are not able to adapt, even if they’ll get the coolest VIP toilets on the planet.
Culture shock is the problem in many cases for sure and dealing with it depends on one’s personality – if the person isn’t strong enough maybe it’s better for her to leave.
I can fully understand the girl’s decision to leave China. The only thing which I can’t justify is that she didn’t warn Ken much earlier that she’s feeling bad there. Or maybe she did but he didn’t take it seriously enough? To me ending the relationship in such a way is a symptom of immaturity and cowardice maybe. I know that it’s hard to fly from the US to China to break up and then go back, but if they were in this relationship for such a long time, she should have be honest with Ken and make all the things clear.
Would still like to know about the role her parents and family played. Until then we will not get the full picture.
You just have to make things happening for you. You have to evolve over there and anywhere . you can’t just stand there to wait so everybody will try to please you and put you on the pedestral. Even you have nothing in common, try to understand what people like and maybe you can give it a try. For me , if I feel like I need more friends or invite new friends to entertain me, I would throw a small gathering. If you just sit in front the computer playing games and eating pizza, you deserve to be a loner and bore your ass off. Some people want to be pleased by others and bring food to them etc. Can you tolerate this kind of habits/behavior? I know I CAN’T! ” If I always please you , who freaking pleases me? !!!! ? If a person doesn’t understand little common sense like this, LEAVE! To make a relationship more lasting, we should please each other. It’s like fishing. You pull a little and I pull a little. You guys don’t understand anyway. Keep on saying ” me,me me” okay . You’ll be an old ass at 50 yrs old and nobody wants you :). ahahahahahahha lol
Bruce, I don’t understand the meaning of your last comment. It was supposed to be about Ken’s ex-girlfriend or about foreign girls living in China or about something else?
Hiya,
I don’t think the parents played a role in this other than trying to be supportive. Hers or his. The girl made a decision to come to China, so she left home (it doesn’t sound like she didn’t have her parents’ blessing). She stayed with her boyfriend for awhile and clearly didn’t communicate like she should have. She returned home (as usual) for Christmas, which is a time where most people are drawn to being home, and with family there with her for the holidays, I think it would be hard to want to return to a situation that wasn’t ideal.
That said, I do think it was a really lame way to handle things with Ken. If she was committed to him, she was responsible for ending things properly.
People can have their weaknesses though and it sounds like this was just one of hers. I sympathize with Ken and hope the feelings left from this one don’t affect his future chances with another girl. There are good ones out there that don’t pull this kind of malarkey, but he’ll have to find his way to one. He’ll know her when he meets her.
Barbara,
It’s for anybody including Ken and foreign women living in China , America , Russia , anywhere in the world. What did I say a few months ago here? That you must compromise, compromise and compromise! Did you guys listen ? NOOOOOO!!!! just go from one ear thru the other ear huh? Every single human being in this world will have some kind of problems until you die but it’s how you resolve them . I know that people ( men and especially women ) like to hear BEAUTIFUL , NICE comments all the time even though it’s not real or true. In real life, who can maintain calm, beautiful 24/7 365 days a yr attitude anyway? If a person doesn’t want to learn Chinese that’s fine. Speak your own language for the rest of your life if you want to and stay on your comfort zone. Have you guys see people who only order only that particular dish at the restaurant every single time? Maybe you’re those people who won’t try new things to eat or won’t go out of your comfort zone. I don’t think you should blame on language barrier on relationship. Just blame on yourself and write a big ass loser word on your forehead. Before a person blame on language, communication , blame on yourself first. I want to see effort not blaming game. Everyone is stubborn I know but he/she has to listen and cooperate to be a team player in a relationship. If your wife/gf says ” honey, you really need to learn how to cook, since I come home late and I don’t have enough time to serve dinner” Some lazy, stubborn ass men won’t “try” to learn to cook or clean and you know that problems will come out hehehehehahhahahah 🙂 lmao. because we have a situation here with people we know right now. Try not to compromise and be more stubborn and you will LOVE your relationship even more heheheh lol 🙂 * being sacrastic* 🙂 🙂 🙂
Bruce,
Saying that compromise is necessary in a relationship is nothing new but it’s great that you are so proud of your little discovery. Unfortunately, when only one side gives it just can’t work for a long time, like you have already noticed. Ken’s ex went with him to China and stayed with him for three years but was unable to adapt. But where’s the compromise form Ken’s side then? That he has let her study Cantonese instead of Mandarin? Or about the job: ” As for her job, she was ok with it. But as for me, I never really liked her job. So to make her life better, I tried to start a business with her together.” What the hell? She liked teaching but he didn’t like it so decided to start a business? Maybe she didn’t want to run any business? For me they both had basic problems with communication and calling the girl a “big ass loser” in this case is, let’s say, a huge oversimplification 😉
Speaking of compliments, being put on a pedestal or being entertained by others in any way: try to imagine that many people don’t like it but for foreign girls it’s hard to avoid this things in China. Of course it’s nice to hear that you have beautiful eyes, but when you hear it 100 times a day from complete strangers – it’s not that nice any more, and even if you really have a pair of the most beautiful eyes in the world the compliments you hear don’t seem to be honest then.
That’s true that foreigners have many privileges in China and they can make life more convenient. But foreigners also can’t rent an appartment where they want or stay in a cheap hotel for locals (however, I don’t think that 150 rmb is so cheap) because “it’s not safe for foreigners”. I got used to it and don’t care any more but for my boyfriend it is frustrating sometimes.
Many Chinese are very warm, kind and obliging and I can’t say that I don’t appreciate this, nevertheless, when girls in my age free up a seat for me in a crowded bus (!!!) because I’m white, it just makes me feel awkward.
Not to mention the reactions of people on a street when they see a foreigner. I love my boyfriend’s mom and like to go out with her, but she’s a very shy person (it makes her even more cute :-)), so I’m afraid that she’ll ask me to wear a paper bag on my head when I’ll decide to keep her company next time 😉
About learning foreign languages, I thought that it’s natural that we find some languages nice, pleasing to hear or interesting while others seem to be annoying, so it’s not only about “staying in a comfort zone”. I never had any particular feelings about studying English. Later, when I had to choose between French and German, I chose the first one without hesitation (yes, this is because French sounds good while German sounds bad to me) and it was very useful a few years later, when I started to study Portuguese before I went to Portugal for a scholarship. These three languages are OK for me but the only language which I was studying only because it seemed to be beautiful and fascinating is Hindi. Technically it’s completely useless for me – I had no chance to go to India so far and I have only two Indian friends (only one of them can speak Hindi), but studying this poetic language was a true pleasure.
I also don’t like the sound of Chinese in most of the cases. My boyfiend’s voice is calm, low and soft like a velvet, so I love it when he’s reading a book out loud for me. But still I don’t like the language (although it sounds better than German). Sorry, just can’t help it. I need Chinese to understand the culture at least a little bit better and to communicate, to become more independent in China (and, frankly, I don’t understand why Ken’s girlfriend didn’t want to learn Chinese because of this).
Anyhow, I don’t see the exact reliation between loving someone and being able to speak his/her language. Sure it helps but can it be a proof of love or something like that? I know that my boyfriend loves me but I don’t expect him to learn Polish.
Yes, it’s my little discovery :). We have to be smart too on whether people are honest by saying beautiful. Sound fake, phony sometimes. When a person fade away in a relationship, it’s hard to pull back. Barbara, we won’t know ken’s relationship but we must know our own relationships. I won’t judge how I or anyone sound here. Its hard to describe here why we are attracted to different people. Sorry, I’m not your calm, quiet person in real life. I know a woman who leaves her two kids and husband to move to different country! She said she will not come back also. you know man or woman will abandon you for a reason. Being sicken tired of someone has to do with lifestyles also. I do admire a woman’s quality on being passionated w/her relationship and not bee in it for convenience.
“And I know given a second chance with a good foreign girl like my ex, I would deal with it a lot better than before. And I know this is the only thing that would truly make me happy.”
Maybe you really like foreign girls. It is ok since everyone has his/her preference. But what you said makes me feel like that you just want another girl like your ex, and you will feel better if you can make it work out this time. It seems like you are looking for another chance to make it up, rather than you are looking for a new girl to love. Maybe you can’t forget your ex, maybe you juat can’t accept such kind of break-up. You need to put an end of your past, I mean, your last relationship. Let’s face it, you are not willing to end it, though she borke up with you two year ago. The one you choose to go out with is not a replacement. You need to be attracted to her by her own personalities, love her who she is.
Something we just can’t let go in a way. It is no big deal, don’t try to avoid it but face it. You will feel release when you can face the real feeling inside. Maybe you should ask your ex for an explanation if this can make you feel better.
Hope you meet a girl who attractive to you and you can find her own charming in the near future. Not looking for, but meeting.
Let’s move on with this ex-gf and don’t ever compare your ex with your future gf. When you bring back something with you ex and compare with your future gf, you will run into troubles. Try it and write me back and see I I’m wrong or right. Who says you can’t pick up women at the gym ? 16 yrs ago when my friends and I worked out at the gym, lots of women talked to us. We went to lunch , dinner etc. Those women invited us to house party also. One tall latina always came over and worked out with us and talked for so long. She was hot! She looked ,talked and acted like a very nice, friendly, down to earth woman. muy gusto! me like !!!!! 🙂 🙂
Once you get attached or addicted it is very difficult to break the addiction unless you have some other goal like a carreer in research or getting a Phd where you can forget about everything.
OMG it’s sunday and I’m still in my office preparing for 2012 ! The rule of thumb to remember is to debate or agrue ( cantonese people like to use the word “argue”) with your gf/wife on any issues. Tell her that you’re just chatting and not intentionally/purposely “argue” with her. Very important ,guys is to be a GOOD LISTENER! gf/wife: ” I don’t like to learn Chinese to talk to your families. I don’t like the culture in China . I want to go back to Canada/ America to make me whole again. blah blah blah 🙂 ” Well, some women always expect everything to be beautiful and smooth sailing in everything or wherever they travel. Unforseen obstacles or problems will occur! Come on man, if everything is so perfect then we will not be “troubled ” humans ( lifelong ,ongoing problems). If you are really fighting for real, doesn’t matter who is at fault , you should make it up. Of course, in your mind you know it’s going to be hard to find a gf/wife,bf/husband like this ;therefore, you will try everything to say sorry and correct your mistakes in your relationship. Good listeners will never make the same mistake twice! If a person loves you until the end, there is no way in hell he/she will leave you PERIOD! He/she plans ahead of time and sicken tired of everything so he/she leaves without explanation. I know that Chinese men are attracted to women ( blk, white , asian etc) who have respects, consideration for others, well manner ,responsible and love their men with heart and soul ( passion) to death. I once said to some people I know that ” I know she’s a western woman but she has all the good qualities of a good hearted woman. Will you treat her like your own family ? ” They all said ” YES” . For example, if my wife is extremely ill and I have to sell all my real estates and valuables in order to cure her ill. I will be left with ZERO. A big fat ZERO on my assets. Do you think I will take that route? Mark my words! I will do anything for my wife and I know she will do the same for me. Those are materialistic things anyway. We come to this world with nothing so we leave with nothing. I don’t know what kind of sacrifices in your relationship to keep it up floating. Finding nice women is not that hard and they are all over the streets lining up but finding a nice woman who will go the extra miles and make sacrifices to make things work in a relationship/family is hard to come by. Like I say that’s another story. Do you have that luck to meet her? Well, you have to create your own luck sometimes.
LOVE,
Bruce 🙂