Are Dating Apps Best for Chinese, Foreigners to Pair Up?

What dating apps or websites should I use? That’s the question a young Chinese man, who was looking to meet women from Western countries, posed to me recently.

But it’s also worth asking, are dating apps the best way for Chinese and foreigners to find love together?

Before we get to that, however, let’s consider what dating apps you might want to use.

Tinder remains one of the most popular options globally, so if you’re someone Chinese looking to meet a non-Chinese woman, then you should consider it, along with a few other possibilities:

If you’re looking for the best dating app to use worldwide, Tinder is currently probably your best bet. Coffee Meets Bagel and Bumble seem to be on the rise as well, but in terms of sheer volume, Tinder, PoF[Plenty of Fish], Match and Badoo seem like the biggest players in the current dating app game.

Disclaimer time – I’ve never used any of these apps, as I’m happily married! But you can give them a try. Just make sure you have a VPN in China, as some apps, notably Tinder, are blocked. (Note: if you need a VPN, one option is Vypr VPN – I’m an affiliate, so your purchase helps support this site.)

For non-Chinese individuals looking to meet someone Chinese, you should definitely give Tantan and Momo, the Chinese dating apps, a go, as well as WeChat.

Yet, should you depend on dating apps to deliver that Mr. or Ms. Right? It depends.

Here’s what Ms. Wai of WWAM BAM had to say about dating apps from her experience in China:

Last time I advised girls to try dating apps to meet guys, but that won’t work well the other way around. Few foreign women are on the dating apps and the ones that are are overwhelmed with requests (I had 24,000 “likes” on tantan before I turned it off.) If you really want to use an app, get a VPN, a Facebook account and try Tinder. But that will still be a challenge.

In other words, foreign women in China may have an easier time finding love through dating apps than Chinese men.

I should also note that Asian men in Western countries tend to have a harder time finding love online as well, though some have found success despite the odds.

Nevertheless, Ms. Wai recommends meeting people face to face in China, suggesting:

There must be neighborhoods, or cafes, foreigners hang out at. Or join some activities where foreigners are sure to be at like Toastmasters, English Corner at the university, or Hash House Harriers. Check online for where and when those groups meet. If you join international activities you’ll get to do something fun and have a chance to meet a lot of people, including women.

This is the same kind of advice I doled out almost a decade ago, and it still holds true. Check out my suggestions for meeting women in China and my suggestions for meeting women in America.

It’s definitely NOT fair that Chinese men might have to “pound the pavement” a bit more to find love. (Maybe you can keep in mind that saying in Chinese: 好事多磨 (hǎoshìduōmó), or good things never come easy.)

Then again, as Ms. Wai notes, even the foreign ladies need a little chutzpah:

I know, it’s typically the guy that makes the first move, but in China, you’ll need to be a bit brave in making your intentions clear. Even if you are over-the-top flirting you might lose a little self-confidence because you feel like it’s not being reciprocated. Most of the time the guy seriously has no idea. They think you, a special butterfly, would never like just a “normal” guy like them, so they don’t pick up any hints you’re giving them. The dating world in China isn’t a good place for subtlety. Use your courage!

What’s your take? What dating apps would you recommend, and should people use them to find love?

P.S.: If you’re looking for more ideas on dating apps, read this guest post Single and Abroad? Here’s What You Need to Know About Dating Apps in China.

Photo Credit: Sweet Couple by Paško Tomić via Flickr.

Ask the Yangxifu: Dealing with “When Will You Get Married?” & Other Awkward Chinese Family Questions

(Photo by Davi Ozolin via Flickr.com)
(Photo by Davi Ozolin via Flickr.com)

Vickie” asks:

So I’m living in China with my boyfriend. We have lived in China for the majority of our relationship, and I am learning Chinese full time. His little sister is getting married next week and as a consequence his Mom takes every opportunity to ask me when we are going to get married. There are some reasons this sits uncomfortably with me:

1. It is assumed that we are getting married but we haven’t really talked about it openly.
2. I would kind of like the surprise proposal if we ever did get married, and being constantly asked about this completely spoils that.
3. His mother obviously assumes that because I have lived here for a few years now I’m going to stay here forever (which I’m more and more certain that I don’t want to do).

His mother’s questions are so direct that it’s impossible to answer vaguely, and so I’m at risk of stepping on some cultural sensitive points, when really, she’s the last person I want to be talking about it with (before me and my boyfriend have even talked about it properly).

She thinks that I should stay in China and teach English and that’s the end of the story – so I had to tell her that I don’t necessarily want to stay in China for the rest of my life. How can I put this message across to her more politely without offending her, and giving her the idea that actually, me and my boyfriend need to talk about it without family pressure bothering us?

—–

I hate to say this, but welcome to Chinese culture — where everyone is in your face about things that we consider highly personal and private. Like marriage and having babies and even where you plan to live. (See my past Ask the Yangxifu column on Dealing With “How Come You Aren’t Married Yet?”)

Every time I go back home to John’s hometown we always get asked, “When are you having kids?” There’s nothing we can do or say to stop people (mostly family) from inquiring about it. They will ask! Trying to explain or tell them not to will create misunderstandings or even put a dent in our relationship. It’s just not worth it.

Instead, here’s my suggestion — don’t take it too seriously. Really. As personal and and imposing as the questions might feel, the reality is that people often ask as a way to show care or concern (not unlike asking about someone’s health).

Sometimes I’m even convinced my family members ask us about having kids because it gives them something to talk about!

Next time his mom asks when you’re getting married, the best way to answer is “Soon!” (快了,快了! Kuài le,kuài le!). Chances are that will satisfy her and she won’t trouble you anymore.

My husband and I always say “soon” whenever someone asks when we’re going to have kids. But guess what? We’re NOT having kids any time soon. And yet, every time we answer like this, it really works. They stop asking about it!

So just smile and say “Soon!”

You could take a similar approach to all of the questions about staying in China. Just tell her, “Okay, we will think it over.” (好的,我们考虑考虑。Hǎo de,wǒmen kǎolǜ kǎolǜ.) It’s not a lie because you have thought it over (or are thinking it over). And again, chances are she’ll feel happy about your answer and change the subject.

Maybe this isn’t the answer you hoped for. But I’ve just found that you’re better off responding to questions like these with a positive and vague response. The positive part makes them happy, the vague part means you’re not actually promising anything. And here’s the thing – in Chinese culture, people are comfortable with vagueness and uncertainty. In all likelihood, nobody’s going to follow up and ask “How soon?” or “When?”

Instead, they’ll probably just move on to something else and you’ll be safe. (Until the next conversation, at least!)

What do you think? What advice do you have?

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Do you have a question about love, dating, marriage or family in Chinese or Western culture? Send me yours today.

Ask the Yangxifu: How to Meet Western Women Interested in China in America

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“Frank” asks:

I am a 24 year-old Chinese man from Beijing. I am currently in California in the US. Your articles reminded me my memories of dating Western women back in Beijing. I do find myself very attracted to Western women. And I have a strong will to develop a long-term relationship, or even marriage, with Western women. I am currently a student and will graduate next March. Due to the nature of my job, it would be better for me to stay in the states and work there (I’m pretty sure I could find a good job here). It’s also highly possible that I would finally end up in Chicago or NYC. I think it would be better if I could find my significant one who have been to China rather than date a local in the states. Given the truth that I would not live in Beijing for a long time period in the next few years, what is your advice for me to find someone who will come back to U.S. soon?

That’s great you’re a student, because colleges and universities are some of the best places to meet women to date. You’re also lucky to live in California, which boasts a surplus of Asian studies programs (check this list of programs arranged by state to see if your institution hosts one). Asian studies (or better, Chinese studies) majors, whether undergrad or graduate students, are the folks who are most likely to have spent some time in China and have an interest in China.

If your university has an Asian studies program, see if they host a Chinese language corner (where students get together to practice their Mandarin Chinese on campus). This is a perfect chance to meet lots of people at once. Ideally, they already have one, so all you have to do is figure out the time and just show up. But if not, here’s an opportunity for you to approach the department and offer to help set up a Chinese language corner. Tell them you’ll recruit your fellow native Chinese speakers to make it a valuable experience for anyone who attends.

Some Asian studies programs also put on events during the school year that could offer opportunities to mingle with women interested in China. For example, I once attended a one-day China conference at Oberlin College that was open to the public filled with young people (including young women).

What if you’re too busy between now and March – and want to wait until you end up in a big city like Chicago or New York City? Then you should get to know the site Meetup.com, where you can discover Chinese language and culture meetup groups in these and many other cities. (See my search results for New York City and Chicago to give you a taste of what’s out there.)

Good luck – and here’s hoping in a few years I’ll be getting an e-mail from you about your upcoming wedding in America.

What advice do you have for Frank?

—–

Do you have a question about love, dating, marriage or family in Chinese or Western culture? Send me yours today.

关于娶洋媳妇的4个坏念头

作者:Jocelyn Eikenburg  译者:远

(翻译自《4 Really Bad Reasons for Marrying Western Women in China》)

正如我此前写到的那样,在中国,人们为洋媳妇而疯狂。已经有两个很火的百度贴吧(洋媳妇吧外国媳妇吧)专门为我们而设。与此同时,“洋媳妇”有关的话题也屡见报端。所以,当然有很多中国男人愿意迎聚我这样的西方女人,对于其中一些人来说,这甚至是他们毕生的梦想。

然而,仅仅因为一个男人想娶西方姑娘却并不见得他做这一切是出于心中的爱慕之情。不幸的是,有些中国男人怀着完全错误的念头接近我们——而有些念头甚至会雷得你外焦里嫩。

所以,如果你真的想娶一位在中国的西方女人,就请——拜托——一定不要打以下4个糟糕透顶的主意:


1.  为了显摆

在当今中国,似乎每个人都渴望为自己贴上显赫地位的标签,就像宝马的座驾、路易威登(Louis Vuitton)的手包和博百利(Burberry)的围巾。他们希望全世界都知道自己有钱有权又成功。但对有些男人来说,那个终极成功的标签——那个可以佐证他们真正“功成名就”的——是一位西方妻子。

但是小伙子们,我可有话说。外国女人可不接受被你当做装饰品对待,她们也不是甘愿围着你的胳膊在你朋友或同事面前晃荡的的蔻驰(Coach)手袋。相信我,我们通常有足够的智慧识破你在做什么(尤其当你急于抓住一切机会牵着我们招摇过市时)。

拜托,如果你真的只是想显摆一下,帮帮忙,去搞辆保时捷或其他什么东西吧。

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2. 为了移民

你是否也在做着“加州梦”或梦想着去一个西方国家度个永恒的“罗马假日”?或许你刚刚想出了一个很值得商榷的点子——娶一个西方女人为妻。有她伴随左右,那本觊觎许久的外籍护照,那在西方国家像公民一样工作与学习的权利以及那令人眼馋的免签待遇就都成为你的囊中物了,不是吗?

除了…当你的妻子发现自己只不过是你的私人护照提取机时,局面会变成怎样?

我知道一个我称为“Sally”的美国女人,她迷上了一个北京男人。对Sally这样一位已被大多数男人视而不见的年逾40的“大号”女人来说,找到一位情愿追随她去美国的如意郎君简直就是奇迹。他们最终结婚而北京丈夫也随她去了西雅图。但也正是在这座城市,Sally的老公人间蒸发似得抛弃了她,就在他攫取了自己的美国绿卡之后。看来那位“夫君”究竟是爱上谁(或者说“什么”)了,也就不难判断了。

Sally把这个悲惨的故事抛到了论坛上,读着它我的心都碎了。我只能试着想象,当Sally发现那个被她称为“老公”的男人事实上用最为卑鄙的伎俩欺骗了她时,她的心会是怎样一副模样。

你想成为那样一个家伙吗?你想让自己的移民大计以一个姑娘的幸福为代价吗?或者你想摧毁一个女人对男人(包括中国男人)的全部信赖?我们谈的可是一种或许会纠缠你余生的浮士德交易*(当然,如果你还有良心的话)。

除此之外,在国外生活可不全是香槟和英伦玫瑰。从踏足西方国家的那一刻起,你只不过是得到了一系列全新的挑战。而且,我告诉你,其中有些挑战甚至是令人震惊的(比如说歧视)。

仍然想“投奔西方”?那请从一开始就不要利用一位你并不爱慕的西方女人作为跳板吧。

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(photo by Susan Sermoneta via Flickr.com)

3. 练习英语

“所以你只跟她说英语!”

上帝,我可说不清究竟听过这句话多少次了,大家总是错误地认为我老公只和我用英文交流。更糟的是,有些甚至蹦出来下定论:我老公英语如此之好是因为他娶了我。

有时,对于这些家伙的话外音——一个西方妻子就等同于你的私人英语教师,我真心有点儿烦了。

我希望被作为一个完整的“自己”欣赏,而不是因为我碰巧是一个说英语的人。又有谁不是这样想呢?

许多像我一样在中国的西方女人最终不得不靠英文教学养家糊口,这本身已经够糟的了,这个职业有时让你感觉自己就像一台“英语复读机”,貌似每个人,以及他们的各种闺蜜基友都希望从你身上“分一杯羹”以提高英文。但我们可不希望自己的婚姻惹上这种令人精疲力竭的麻烦。

不过这并不是说我们完全不能帮助你的语言学习。事实上,自几年前我老公John和我“打情骂俏”开始,我们就一直很享受这种双语伴侣关系。这为我们的婚姻平添了许多乐趣。

但是,如果你只是为了英语学习而与西方女人恋爱,相信我,这很快就会穿帮的。毕竟我们似乎都或多或少地从事过英语教学——我们看得出你究竟是属于我们的闺房还是属于我们的课堂。所以如果你只是在寻求“开小灶”,西方姑娘会把你和你的“疯狂英语”扔在一边的。

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(photo by bandita via Flickr.com)

4. 种族主义

对于那些笃定只追求金发白肤的西方姑娘而将其他一切女人排除在外的中国小伙子,我得和你们聊聊。你们知道的,有些人觉得混血宝宝既聪明又漂亮,于是他们必须得找一位,比如说,西方妻子。

我明白在恋爱世界中,人们各有好恶。但如果你仅仅出于种族(或某些种族独有的特征)的原因而只与特定群体交往……那可就是种族主义者了。我可不想要一个仅仅是爱上我的白皮肤,或者看中我能生个混血儿的男人。那令人毛骨悚然!

浮士德交易:指出卖至关重要的东西以换取短期利益。出自传说浮士德以灵魂为代价换取三个愿望的满足(译者注)

4 Really Bad Reasons for Marrying Western Women in China

As I’ve written before, people in China are just crazy about yangxifu (the foreign wives of Chinese men).  We’ve inspired two popular forums on Baidu devoted to discussing yangxifu (Yangxifu Ba and Waiguoxifu Ba), while yangxifu regularly make headlines in China news.

So of course, many Chinese men would love to marry a Western woman just like me. For some, it’s even their life’s dream.

But just because a guy would love to marry us doesn’t mean he’s always doing it with love in mind. Unfortunately, some Chinese men approach us with the wrong ideas altogether — things that would surprise and totally shock you.

If you really want to wed a Western woman in China, please – PLEASE — don’t do it for one of these four incredibly bad reasons:

1. To show off

In today’s China, everyone yearns for status symbols like BMWs, Louis Vuitton purses and Burberry scarves. They want to tell the world they’re powerful, wealthy and successful. But for some men, the ultimate status symbol – the proof that they’ve truly “made it” – is a Western wife.

I’ve got news for you, guys. We don’t take well to being treated as nothing more than your accessory. We’re not just some Coach purse, content to swing around your arm in front of your friends and colleagues. And believe me, we’re usually smart enough to figure out that that’s exactly what you’re doing (especially if you seem intent on parading us in front of as many people as possible every time we go out).

If you really want to show off, do us a favor and get a Porsche or something instead.

(P.S.: for a personal take on this issue, read about how my husband’s cousin wanted a Western wife to brag about.)

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 2. To immigrate to her Western country

Have you been “California dreaming” or hoping to live out a permanent “Roman holiday” in a Western country? Perhaps you’ve imagined a highly questionable solution to your problem – just marry a Western woman. With her by your side, a coveted foreign passport, the rights to work or study in her country just like a local, and tons of enviable visa-free travel destinations are all yours for the taking, right?

Except…what happens when your wife discovers she’s nothing more than your personal passport machine?

I once knew of an American woman I’ll call “Sally” who was smitten with a Beijinger. For Sally, a plus-sized woman in her forties used to being invisible to the vast majority of men, finding a guy who actually wanted to marry her and come to live with her in the US was nothing short of a miracle. So they tied the knot and then her Beijing husband came to Seattle. That’s also the city where he abandoned Sally by disappearing from her life, just after he nabbed his US green card. It’s not hard to tell who (or rather, what) he was really in love with.

She posted the whole harrowing story on an online forum. While it broke my heart to read it, I can only imagine the state of Sally’s heart when she discovered her so-called husband had essentially punk’d her in the most despicable way.

Do you want to be that kind of guy? Do you want your immigration rights at the expense of her happiness? Do want to shatter her trust in men forever (including men from China)? We’re talking about a Faustian bargain that could haunt you for the rest of your life (that is, if you actually have morals).

Besides, living abroad isn’t all champagne and English roses. The moment you set foot in a Western country, you’ve just traded in one set of challenges for another. And let me tell you, some of those challenges will surprise and shock you (like discrimination).

Still gotta “Go West”? Just don’t use a Western woman who you never really loved in the first place to do it.

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(photo by Susan Sermoneta via Flickr.com)

 3. To improve your English

“So you only speak English to her!”

God, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this from Chinese people, who wrongly assume my husband only communicates with my in English. Even worse, some jump to the conclusion that his English is so awesome because he married me.

Sometimes, I just want to cringe because of what they’re implying — a Western wife who speaks English equals your own private English teacher.

I want to be appreciated for who I really am, not because I happen to be a native English speaker. Who wouldn’t feel the same?

It’s bad enough that a lot of Western women in China – women just like me – end up teaching English here, an occupation that sometimes makes you feel like an “English machine” when seemingly everyone and their brother demands a piece of you to boost their English studies. We don’t want that kind of exhausting mess in our marriage.

That doesn’t mean we can’t support your language studies at all. Actually, my husband John and I have enjoyed a bilingual relationship from the moment we started flirting years ago. It’s one of the things that makes our marriage a lot of fun.

But if you’re only looking for love with us for English, believe me, we’ll catch on. After all, we’ve probably all taught English at one time or another – and we can tell if you belong in our bedroom or our classroom. And if you’re only looking for “private lessons”, we’ll dump you and your crazy English ideas.

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(photo by bandita via Flickr.com)

 4. Because you’re racist

To the Chinese guys who exclude all other women in pursuit of a pale-skinned Western beauty with golden hair, I’m talking to you. You know, someone who thinks that mixed-race kids are so much more “beautiful” and “clever”, and therefore must have, for example, a white Western wife.

I get that people have preferences in the dating world. But if you’re dating a certain group of people because of their race (or characteristics only unique to a certain race) to the exclusion of people from other racial groups…that’s racist. I wouldn’t want a guy who loves me solely for my white skin – or the fact that I could provide him with a mixed-race baby. That’s just creepy!

What do you think of these reasons? What did I miss?

洋媳妇问答:与中国男人恋爱的地域困境

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作者:Jocelyn Eikenburg  译者:远

(翻译自《Ask the Yangxifu: Love and Location Dilemma With a Chinese Man》)

爱的窘境(LoveDilemma)问:

我是一个22岁的欧洲女孩,目前正在攻读生物学硕士。本来一切都是那么的明朗,直到去年我遇上了这个来自中国的交换生。我们的友谊迅速升温以至成为了男女朋友。8个月前,他不得不返回中国以完成自己的本科学习。我们就是无法割舍这份感情于是继续保持联系,但是现在我们左右为难…他希望来我的国家,但在这儿他无法就业。我快要完成学业了,而我在中国的工作前景也同样黯淡…所以即使我追随他而去,也注定是前途无亮的。倘若不是爱得如此深沉,我压根就不考虑搬去中国…在那个拥有严苛移民法条的陌生国度,我只能完全依靠他…英语甚至不是我的母语,我没有语言教学的学位或经验,汉语也讲不顺…所以我的理学学位在中国根本就是渣渣。除非我能在那儿找到一份稳定的工作(极不现实),否则我既不会受欢迎,也无法搞到居留证。有多少外国女人在这种情况下嫁给了中国男人?我的脑袋告诉我这不明智,但我的心……所以,就因为他是中国人而我是外国人我们就必须分手?我就是不能接受这一点并走出这一困境。

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地域是中国跨国情侣的最大障碍之一——对中男外女情侣尤其如此,正如我在文章《西方老婆,中国老公》(Western Wives,Chinese husbands)中写到的那样:

迁回母国或许是你的第一选择,但他呢?站在他的角度考虑一下。在你的祖国,他会成为少数族裔。而且很遗憾,许多西方国家都对亚裔男人抱有负面成见,比如冷漠的功夫武士和娘娘腔的书呆子。他不得不操起外语来应付日常生活,这平添了压力。即使得到了有利的签证(如永久居留签证),他仍要面对工作方面的歧视,如果他:1)不能在面试时应对自如;2)没有一个所在国的学位(记住,关于中国的新闻已经使人们对这个国家疑心重重,这包括她所颁发的文凭),或者3)英语不佳。 正如Jessica解释道,“我的中国老公没有适销对路的技能——他是一位职业音乐家——而且不懂英语。你说未来我们会在哪生活?”

如果考虑移居你的国家,研究生学院或许可以帮助克服学历歧视并加速文化适应,但是如果你老公在完成学位后宁可搬回中国,你也千万别惊讶。

待在中国对你不可行。你看重自己的事业,但在这儿你无法就业。在中国,你不得不完全依靠他的收入——鉴于中国单收入家庭供房的苦日子,这可是一个危险的选择。也正如你提到的,没有工作,你又如何得到居留许可(尤其是现在中国收紧了签证政策)?

因为牺牲了自己的事业(我假设,你的梦想),你将会面对心理上的挑战。而很有可能,爱情并不足以弥补因为背弃自己而产生的悔丧感——贝蒂·弗里丹(Betty Friedan)在她的《女性的奥秘》一书中很好地刻画了这一点。

与其设想在中国生活,为什么不考虑一起搬去你的国家?他或许现在无法就业,但研究生学习将改变这一点。既然他已然能够在你的祖国学习,他的语言显然可以胜任研究生课程。

但是,他愿意在国外生活吗?

地域纷争可能拆散一段本来美好的跨国姻缘。无论你们如何深爱彼此,有时就是不足以克服地理障碍。但希望你们可以。祝好运!

Are we more vulnerable to one-sided relationships when it’s cross-cultural love?

(photo by Helga Weber via Flickr.com)
(photo by Helga Weber via Flickr.com)

The e-mails from Western women that land in my Ask the Yangxifu inbox never cease to surprise and even shock me with their tales of relationship woes — particularly the ones marked “confidential”. Invariably when it’s confidential, it’s a story of unimaginable difficulties.

In the end, though, these women almost always want an answer to one simple question: “What can I do to make it right?”

Here’s what they hope I’ll say: “It’s totally normal in Chinese culture, and here’s a cultural tip to smooth things over.” Except in reality, more often than not, what they’re telling me isn’t normal and can’t be smoothed over with a little cultural finesse. And more often than not, I loathe to tell them what I’m really thinking — that, potentially, they have a guy problem. That, potentially, they’re floundering in a one-sided relationship.

What do I mean by a “one-sided relationship”? It’s a situation where only one person compromises and makes changes for the better of the couple, while they other person does not (or doesn’t enough).

Of course, one-sided relationships are not just a problem for couples with two different passports and home countries. I just watched the movie “Don Jon” not that long ago, which is essentially in part all about the dangers of a one-sided relationship using a very average couple of white Americans, where one person places all of the demands on the other, with no exceptions.

But as I think about the Ask the Yangxifu inbox — and the many nightmare relationships people have confided to me about — I wondered something. Are we more vulnerable to the throes of a one-sided relationship when we’re dating someone in a foreign country? When we’re deep in the process of acculturation and cultural adjustment, do we wrongly assume that we ought to do more of the work in the relationship precisely because we’re not in our home country?

The thing is, I thought about this because I had walked in these women’s shoes years before with my first Chinese boyfriend. Yes, I once blindly suffered through a one-sided relationship and I had no idea for the longest time.

I thought it was enough that he and I shared similar interests (music and movies), and that he loved introducing me to his own passions (like soccer). But when it came right down to it, as warmly as he invited me into his life, it didn’t go both ways. There were huge parts of my personality that he never bothered to ask me about — like my environmental biology major in college or the fact that birdwatching was one of my favorite pastimes in the US. Even worse, he didn’t care about my home country or hometown. I once suggested he might study there but he preferred to go to Europe instead. And then he asked me to follow him there, even though it was essentially impossible for me, an American, to find any meaningful work for myself. It took me the longest time to realize the problem because I was so besotted with him — “blinded by love” as they say. But looking back, I’m certain my struggles to understand Chinese culture and learn his language (at the time, I could only rattle off a handful of phrases…poorly!) also blinded me to what was really going on.

In the end, I finally said “enough!” and told him I couldn’t follow him to Europe. In part, I realized that it didn’t make sense to fashion my entire life around someone else’s wishes. And in part, I couldn’t take all of the trouble involved with moving to this country he had chosen as his dream destination. It took me years before I could finally admit the truth: that it was a one-sided relationship and that’s why it ultimately failed.

Sometimes, when you’re dating in a foreign country and you’re new to the culture, it’s not always easy to tell where personality ends and cultural norms begin. But in the end, cultural differences should never justify a relationship where everything’s tilted to one person over the other, where one person doesn’t feel supported or acknowledged or uplifted.

What do you think?

Chinese Singaporean man seeks independent Western woman with “life in her” – and reminds us of diversity

(photo by Ed Yourdon via Flickr.com)
AMWF love in reality doesn’t look like the stereotypes. Nor do the men. (photo by Ed Yourdon via Flickr.com)

A few weeks ago, I received an e-mail from a reader in Singapore I’ll call “Tom”, who wrote:

First of, thank you for spending the time and effort to share your unique marriage experience. I have been reading and digesting what you have posted thus far.

However, as a Chinese Singaporean, I find myself caught in between the Chinese and the Chinese born and raised in a Western country. There is a lot of talk about these two groups but I feel left out of the conversation. A lot of hurdles that a White female may face with a Chinese seem to be almost non-existent when it comes to the sizable number of Chinese Singaporean men who come from english speaking families, and are highly educated with good and stable jobs. Such families tend to not be overly traditional and live out western values in their daily lives.

I am adamant that I would so much happier if I could have a life partner that has the qualities of a western female. Softness and meekness, and even home cooking, believe it or not, isn’t all that endearing to me. I want a girl that behaves as if she has life in her! I want a life partner, not a little girl. If I don’t give this a shot now I may settle for someone “lesser” in my mind’s eye. If I wanted to settle I would have years ago.

Tom’s e-mail also reminded me of an article in the World of Chinese about dating Chinese men, which mentioned:

Dating a Chinese guy has never been a hot topic to discuss with my friends. Some of these, I have found, have been harsh and unfairly judgmental. One even tried to warn me: “Don’t even think about it.” Their reason: they simply found the cultural differences too large.

When the author describes her judgmental friends, I’ll be willing to bet they have a very fixed and limited idea of “Chinese men” and subsequently what it means to date them. Chances are, not a single one of these women could imagine a guy like Tom.

There is incredible diversity when it comes to Chinese men — and more often than not, it looks completely different from the stereotypical images you hold in your mind. As an example, just look at these posts by China Elevator Stories, Sara Jaaksola, The Mandarin Duck, and Ember Swift about their own husbands, who are all so unique in their own right!

It’s almost crazy that things like this even need to be said. But then again, it is crazy that a lot of women come to China and then automatically cross Chinese men off the “dateworthy” column in their minds, as that World of Chinese article mentioned (a phenomenon I’ve sadly observed as well).

So ladies, don’t always assume he’s too conservative or traditional for you to date just because he’s Chinese and you’re an independently minded Western woman. For all you know, he could be like Tom.

What do you think?

Ask the Yangxifu: Has marriage to a Chinese man changed your feminist views?

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M asks:

I have been reading your blog for some time now and the majority of your female readers are independent, intelligent women whom have (some) “feminist” values/ideas such as equality, rights, freedom of choice.

I would like to know has being married to a Chinese man and to the Chinese “extended family” changed your…“feminist” ( independent ) views? Did you have to change your way of thinking and adapt to situations, traditions, culture that may not share your own ideas and beliefs? Do you accept things in China that you wouldn’t accept back in your own country? If so how did/do you handle this? How does it make you feel?

—–

I thought about this question for many weeks and could never seem to come up with the right answer. And then I realized the issue here — the thing is, my marriage to John hasn’t really changed my core feminist/independent views all that much.

See, I married a feminist guy who just happens to come from the countryside of Zhejiang, China, as I’ve written before:

Over the years, from dating through marriage, John continued to blast stereotypes about Chinese men, that they’re so sexist. He loved my larger, curvier body in all of its beautiful imperfections, and never suggested I change a thing. During all those times when I was the family breadwinner, he always felt proud of me and my ability to make a living. He grew up in a household where no one hit women and children, and condemned domestic violence in all of its forms. He kept doing the dishes and his share of the housework, and never assigned a gender role to any household chores.

John has always loved me just as I am and always supported me in my endeavors, even when it comes to writing about him and our marriage together. In fact, if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be writing this blog at all!

As for his family, sure, not everyone is as progressive as he is. But that doesn’t mean that I’ve had to somehow change myself to fit their expectations. We can disagree. And if we do, I usually say something to them. It might surprise you, but I find it far easier to speak up in front of his family as opposed to my own in the States. Perhaps it’s because foreigners in China are expected to be a little weird and get a pass when we do things differently. Maybe it’s because I’m speaking to them in a foreign language, which liberates me because it’s not the language I grew up with. And it probably helps that John’s parents (and most of his family) don’t fit those stereotypes of the strict and conservative Chinese family.

Of course, there are things about Chinese culture that, on the surface, seem to clash with feminist/independent views. Take for example the dependency among family members in China and the expectation that children should care for their parents when they’re older. Yet, some families in the US do these things too. My dad invited his father (my grandfather) to spend his final years living together with him, and my aunts and uncles take care of my grandmother so she doesn’t have to stay in a nursing home. As independent and feminist as I am, I still believe these are good values and would want to do the same if John’s parents needed our help.

And ultimately, there’s a difference between understanding a culture and completely overhauling your own views for someone else. It’s important to know and respect your partner’s culture, but that doesn’t mean you have to hide who you are to do it. Otherwise, you’re just dealing with a one-sided relationship and those are usually doomed to fail. Just as I’ve become closer to John’s culture, he’s also become closer to mine — and the whole process has only made our marriage that much stronger. Yet when it comes to our beliefs and our way of thinking, we’re still pretty much the same as we were all those years before when we first met.

Maybe my marriage really is unusual. And maybe to some people I might not seem “independent enough” or even “feminist enough”. But then again, that should tell you that there are no hard or fast rules for cross-cultural marriages in China or even what defines a woman as independent and feminist.

Sometimes, you really can find happily ever after in the most unlikely places in the world. 😉

How about you? How would you respond to this question?

—–

Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture or Western culture? Send me yours today.

7 Weird Search Terms on Love & Dating in China (and More) that Will Never Become Featured Questions

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(photo by Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com)

Some people ask the darndest things.

While checking my site analytics the other day, I noticed some incredibly weird questions that brought visitors to my site. Let me tell you, some of these search strings read like a bizarre Ask the Yangxifu question from an alternate universe. And that gave me an idea…

So, in the spirit of having a little fun with this column, I thought I’d share seven of these weird questions. Of course, they’ll never end up in a real Ask the Yangxifu column. But hey, they might just make you go “Hmmmm”, “Whoa!” or just give you a laugh before your weekend comes. 😉

P.S.: As always, if you have a real Ask the Yangxifu question, you’re welcome to send it on to me! I can even answer you off the blog and keep things confidential. See my Ask the Yangxifu page for details.

1.

why do china gal divorce their husband and go overseas to married than divorce and return to their family in china

There’s a potentially tragic personal story behind this search string, but given how the asker referred to her as “china gal” (which sounds a lot like a female version of that offensive term “chinaman”), I think I’d rather not know.

2.

how do i find out if my chinese wife divorced me in china 

Whoa. If you’re not sure about your marital status in China, you should not be asking a yangxifu about this. Try asking a divorce lawyer in China some questions. Like, now.

3.

why do chinese people keep having babies

Hmmm, I guess you missed that health class in middle school where they talked about, you know, sex.

4. 

what's an asian guys favorite sex position

So, because a guy is Asian, he must have a certain favorite sex position, like all Asian men? Would you be asking about “what’s a white guy’s favorite sex position”? No? Exactly.

5. 

which chinese race of women are most likely to tolerate infidelity

Uh, I think you’re a little confused about ethnicity and race. And, for that matter, women, relationships and, you know, basic human morals.

6. 

what is it like to have sex with an asian guy

Because, of course, it must be so wildly different from all the other non-Asian guys you slept with. [insert sarcastic look]

7.

how western men unknowingly insult women in china

File this one under “search terms with a crazy story behind them I’m dying to know”.

Have you ever encountered weird search questions about love, dating or relationships in China or Asia? Share them in the comments!