life in China | Speaking of China

Ask the Yangxifu: Opposite-Sex Friendships in China

Man and Woman — An American woman wonders, can people of the opposite sex still be friends in China? (photo by Edwin Pijpe)

Eleanor asks:

I’ve recently befriended a Chinese student here in the US. I lived in China for 2 years and speak Chinese more or less fluently, but my grasp of Chinese friendship/dating culture is still pretty basic. He and I have talked about exploring the possibility of being more than friends, but both of us agreed to take more time to get to know each other just as friends for now and not to rush anything. I think there’s an obvious undercurrent of attraction between us, and I’m worried that if we decided we were unsuitable romantically that he would back off friendship-wise as well. In China, I didn’t see many opposite-sex friendships (besides with high school aged kids), and I worry if we don’t end up dating that I would lose him as a friend too. I like and respect this guy a lot, so I hope you can reassure me that our friendship can continue even if one of us finds someone else. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Opposite-Sex Friendships in China”

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Five Things Taiwanese Idol Dramas Say About Love in China

Down With Love Taiwanese Idol Drama promotional poster — What do Taiwanese Idol Dramas -- such as "Down With Love" -- say about love in China? (image from wikimedia commons)

This year, I’ve enjoyed a summer of love — if, by love, you mean the love portrayed in Taiwanese Idol Dramas. I got hooked sometime in June on Down With Love. Before I knew it, I tuned in for parts of Romantic Princess, Sunshine Angel, Miss No Good, They Kiss Again and even Taiwan’s version of Honey and Clover.

The more I watched, the more I realized these shows have something to say about love in China. Here are five things I noticed. Continue reading “Five Things Taiwanese Idol Dramas Say About Love in China”

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For My Chinese In-laws, Scolding is Love

A finger-puppet couple with the wife visibly angry at the husband — I didn't understand why my Chinese mother-in-law always argued with my Chinese father-in-law. But, according to my husband, maybe that's their way of showing love (photo by kamil kantarcıoğlu).

My Chinese father-in-law isn’t just a husband and parent in our home. He’s also a punchline, and a virtual punching bag.

I’ll never forget that day in May when I watched my Chinese mother-in-law storm out into the yard and holler up to my Chinese father-in-law. “You’re just like a Bodhisattva! Always staying up and never coming down!”

I don’t know what he did to deserve that Buddhist curse. But after spending more than two months here – where almost a day wouldn’t pass without my Chinese mother-in-law naming my father-in-law’s stupidity du jour – I can guess why. Continue reading “For My Chinese In-laws, Scolding is Love”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Why Does My Chinese Family Refuse My Gifts?

Gift box wrapped in silver paper with purple, blue and green stripes and a magenta bow — An American woman wonders why her Chinese in-laws seem upset every time she gives them a gift. Why do they always refuse what she buys for them? (photo by Irum Shahid)

Sam asks:

Recently, while I was at the grocery store, I saw a lovely bouquet of lilies. I thought they would look lovely in the kitchen, and decided to by them for my Chinese mother-in-law. I brought them home and put them in a vase. But when she came home and I told her they were for her, it seemed to stress her. She first tried to get me to say that they were just for myself, and then insisted that they were for the men in the house since Father’s Day had been the week before. We finally agreed that they were for everyone.

I can’t help but wonder if I did something wrong. My husband didn’t think so, but he’s been in the states for over 20 years now and isn’t always in the loop.

I had a similar experience when I came back from a trip. I had bought her a purse that I found on super-sale and thought she would like it. She kept on insisting that I would need it more than she would and that I should keep it for myself. It wasn’t until I told her I had bought myself something similar that she settled down and accepted it.

It is not uncommon for me to see something that I think a friend will like and buy it for them. Several times I’ve seen clothes that I know would fit my mother in law that would look good on her, but I am afraid I’ll terrify her or something. Do you have any insight? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Why Does My Chinese Family Refuse My Gifts?”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Is Married Chinese Man Worth The Trouble?

Many junctions ahead road sign — A Western woman in a long-distance relationship with a married Chinese man faces a lot of trouble ahead in their relationship. Is it worth it?

White Lotus asks:

i have a long distance relationship with a married chinese man ..he has never been in love with his wife, they married because she was pregnant. He is a great man, a loving father. he wants to marry me after the divorce . I ‘m afraid i’d be a burden for him since it would be hard for me to get a job in China. I’m not a native speaker of English and despite being an English teacher in my country .. i think i won’t be able to get a teaching position ( i don’t have an internationally recognised degree in my cv). i don’t have other skills and i’m just starting to learn chinese.
Sometimes i think i should set his heart free before he gets the divorce and spare him the pain we might inflict to his daughter. He doesn’t earn a lot of money so it would be hard for him to support us while i’m looking for a job. He doens’t live in a big city so i think opportunities will be scarce.
it’s difficult for me cause i love him a lot… he is more confident than me saying that i can do it, that i will be able to find a job ..we have only one shot at love cause it’s taking me half a year to save the moneyi need to fly to china.

What job opportunities are there for me? Should i set his heart free? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Is Married Chinese Man Worth The Trouble?”

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My Chinese Inlaws’ Not-So-Free Marriage

Clouds against a blue sky forming a heart — My Chinese father-in-law insisted that the new China included free choice in marriages. But it seemed like an illusion when he admitted he didn't freely choose his bride. (photo by miguel ugalde)

The other day, while talking about weddings in China with my Chinese father-in-law, we happened on the idea of parental involvement (or should I say, pressure) since the founding of the People’s Republic of China.

“It seems to me that parents still have a say in marriages today,” I said.

My Chinese father-in-law shook his head. “No, no, that’s the past,” he disagreed, referring to how Chinese parents used to arrange marriages for their children. “Now people have the freedom to marry whoever they want.”

How I longed to shake him and say, what about what you said about John and I? My Chinese father-in-law was the one who cautioned John against having a foreign girlfriend, telling him he could be friends with — but not date — me.

But I bit my tongue. “What I mean is, Chinese parents have ideas about their children’s marriages. The parent will tell the child if they like the person or not. The child has free choice, but may want to be filial and not go against their parents.”

My father-in-law’s eyes widened and he grinned. “Ah, yes, yes!” Then came a surprising confession. “That’s my marriage.” Continue reading “My Chinese Inlaws’ Not-So-Free Marriage”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Is Chinese Man Forgetting Me After One Night Together?

An old lonesome teddy bear, wet and forgotten — After finally spending a romantic night together, just before she leaves China for good, a woman wonders, is this Chinese man trying to forget me? (photo by Mattox)

Pepper asks:

I would need some advice about someone I care about… I’m a female student, studying abroad in China, and this past year I met fellow Chinese student slightly older than me and from Beijing. We instantly became friends and I had my eyes on him from the very beginning but I’m a very shy person and since we both come from different countries and met in another one I figured out it would be impossible for us to have a long-term relationship, and I didn’t want to cry for months when the time to part comes.

So we have been friends for the entire school year and sometimes I could catch a glimpse of interest from him, we used to look at each other in the eyes for a very long time or smile to each other for no apparent reason… on our last night at the university, when we were saying goodbye, we ended up kissing and he asked to come back to my room – which quite surprised me because he is a quiet and innocent-looking man. I could not think straight and accepted. It was a wonderful moment, but we decided not to take it further than that one night, as it would probably be too painful for both of us to be far away, and we know each other enough to be quite sure it would be very difficult for us to overcome our differences in order to be together.

However, we did agree on staying friends, writing to each other and he insisted on the fact he would keep me updated about where he would choose to study next year. The problem is: it has already been one week, I wrote one email but he isn’t replying. He’s not ignoring me, but isn’t very talkative either. I’m very confused; do you think he might have changed his mind and decided to forget about me ? I know we don’t have a future together but I really care about that person, it would hurt me if he had decided to forget about what has been happening between us or if he had never cared… Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Is Chinese Man Forgetting Me After One Night Together?”

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The Chinese Relatives Name Game

More than a week ago, my Chinese mother-in-law spent a whole day helping someone plant their rice paddy. That “someone” turned out to be a relative.

“She was out helping our Jiujiu plant the fields,” my sister-in-law told me at dinner. Jiujiu is the Chinese word for uncles on the mother’s side. But as far as I knew, we only had two uncles on John’s mother’s side — Da Jiujiu and Xiao Jiujiu. Neither of them needed assistance in the fields, especially Xiao Jiujiu who just became our village secretary. How could she possibly help someone called “Jiujiu?”

“Oh, that’s the godfather’s little brother.” Godfather, as in John’s godfather (John needed a godfather because his Chinese zodiac sign, the horse, conflicted with his father’s, the rat).

Then I remembered that, some time ago, my Chinese mother-in-law told me the godfather was a relative — but I’d forgotten how and asked my sister-in-law. “He’s the Gunainai’s son.”

“Gunainai?” I felt as if I was getting tangled in the branches of this family tree. Continue reading “The Chinese Relatives Name Game”

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Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend Never Plans Our Dates

Road sign indicating left or right turn is permissible — Her Chinese boyfriend leaves all of the date-night decisions to her, and she's tired of it. How can she get him to care?

MC asks:

I hate the whole “passive Asian man” stereotype because I don’t think it’s always true. For example, my Chinese boyfriend is a Banquet Captain at a hotel, and sometimes his coworkers will call him to ask where something is or how to set up the banquet hall. The way he takes charge and responds shows that he has a leader in him, and it’s a huge turn on when I see him like that. But then when we hang out, I decide everything, from what we do, to where we eat, and even what we eat sometimes. I don’t mind doing it sometimes, because it basically means he’ll go anywhere I want him to without complaining, yet it gets tiring. I feel like it’s the guy’s role to lead and to decide even just where to eat sometimes. I’ve talked to him about it but his thinking is so different than anyone I’ve ever met (though he doesn’t think so). I can see it from his point of view, but he can’t see mine. And I understand his logic. He honestly does not care what we eat. So even if I tried to make him care, his mind would be a blank. If that’s the case, you’d think it’d be easier for me to just choose a place, right? What should I do? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese Boyfriend Never Plans Our Dates”

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Making up Beauty in China

Handheld wooden mirror — The Chinese women doing my makeup considered me the real beauty — while I believed them far more beautiful than myself.

“Beauty” could barely describe the two girls hovering over me for a makeup session two weekends ago. Both had smooth black hair reminiscent of a calligraphy brush dipped in black ink, eyes the color of pu-er tea and lips more brilliant than the fiery red pomegranate blossoms. Their smiles illuminated the entire room.

But in their minds, they weren’t the real beauty. I was.

“Look at her eyes! So big!” one of the women squealed, after powdering my face.

“Her nose is so straight,” the other sighed. She then squeezed it gently a couple of times, giggling like a schoolgirl.

But when they moved to my eyes – and specifically, my mascara – the excitement waved over the room in sudden tsunami fashion. “Her eyelashes are curved. Can you believe that?” Several women from outside rushed in to take a peek. A makeup artist next to me and even her client pulled the curtains back and lunged their heads to admire my lashes. “She doesn’t even need an eyelash curler!”

Laying there on the table, I felt like some sort of model woman from another world on display – and given my sweltering palms and the way I kept crossing my feet, it wasn’t an easy job. If anything, I didn’t understand them at all, or the way they told me “you’re so beautiful” the moment I sat down next to them, before going over to the makeup room. Continue reading “Making up Beauty in China”

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