To The Girl Tired of Hearing, “Why Would You Date Chinese Men?”

The other day, you told me how people constantly ask you, “Why would you date Chinese men?” You recalled that girl who grimaced at you just because you dared to date men in China. You said you felt like you were spending so much energy and time trying to defend your choices. You sounded tired of it all.

Believe me, I understand. Your comments brought me back to my first year in China, when I was sitting around the lunch table with my foreign female colleagues. One woman said, “When I arrive at the airport in America, the first thing I notice is the men, how handsome and how tall they are. I’ll just stare at them for hours, as if I were Chinese and had never seen a foreign man before in my life.” I knew what she was getting at, though another foreign female colleague put it more bluntly. “Chinese men don’t really seem that attractive.”

Even though I understood their every word, I couldn’t understand how they could brand an entire population of men as undateable. China is, after all, a country of nearly 1.4 billion people – and more people means more diversity and, ultimately, more great men.

It would take me years before I understood the depths of this problem – why Western women won’t date Chinese men. But I don’t need to tell you all this. You know it as well as I do. You’ve lived it.

But what do you do when the people around you just don’t get it? When they keep annoying you with the same worn-out questions about why you’d dare to date Chinese men?

Then again, who says you have to justify anything?

There’s nothing wrong with your decision to date Chinese men. Love is love. In a world rocked by so much hatred, fear and uncertainty, shouldn’t we all be delighted when someone gives their heart to someone else? Doesn’t that tiny act of goodness make the earth just a little bit brighter for everyone? Why should it matter that person happens to be a Chinese man?

It’s sad when people are so caught up in their own stereotypes about an entire group of people that they’re blinded to the possibility of happiness for someone like you.

But what’s worse is when they try to verbally walk you into a corner, putting you on the defensive for something nobody needs to defend in the first place.

So next time someone asks you “Why would you date Chinese men?” it’s time to put their proposed conversation in perspective. You might start with, “Why don’t you have something better to say?”

15 Replies to “To The Girl Tired of Hearing, “Why Would You Date Chinese Men?””

  1. It’s sad that things have not improved 🙁 I have a half Chinese son, and ever since he came into the world, race became less and less comfortable. I recall meeting a very attractive 18 year old Burmese guy, ( tall, well muscled, dark and handsome, long story short, baby’s father and I are no longer together) when I told him my son is mixed, and that his father is chinese, he was shocked. And comments that once I could ignore, I no longer feel comfortable hearing them because I wonder if they mean my son as Well?

  2. Prejudice can exist in anyone’s mind. Does not matter if he or she is from Asia, America, Europe or Africa.

    I have met people from everywhere and a lot of them have not so good ideas about people from other countries.

  3. Most white women who find Chinese men not datable likely find other non-white men not datable. I have come to the conclusion it has very little to do with race but racial privilege. If a white woman marries a white man, their daughter, like Emma Stone in Aloha, will have the privilege of hogging all the roles in for instance Hollywood. Being white you get to play white roles and whitewash minority roles. You can give lip service to equality of opportunity and get away with it. Now if your daughter is only half white, she is as good as Asian or black and you get fewer opportunities. Just taking Hollywood as an example. In many other professions also privilege and more options exist for white people. That is the main reason why a white Catholic from northern US prefers to marry a white protestant from the south, although they have nothing much in common other than their white skin color. eg. Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina. If life is lot easier for the kids, why would n’t a white person marry another white, and who cares about culture as long there is skin privilege.

  4. I recall a survey that had a 2×3 design (male, female) x (Caucasian, black, and Asian) and the Caucasian female-Asian male had, by far, the lowest votes in any of the categories. As an Asian American male, I’ve dated women of all races but, for the longest time, I’ve felt that the Caucasian women I’ve dated would leave me sooner or later (when they’ve found someone else, probably Caucasian). While that may say more about me than my Asian heritage, knowing myself, it is the Asian factor I’ve felt that has driven this perception and much of that is the result of having grown up in a society that is dominated by Caucasians, both around me and thought the media.

    1. James,
      With 40 years of actual experience of being an Asian male married to a blue-eyed wife, I totally disagree with your low self esteem way of thinking. A marriage is normally built on a relationship , unless you married a gold digger, and a wife will not leave you for somebody else unless there is something not quite “kosher” with you foundation.

  5. Like Jocelyn said ‘Tired of hearing’ about prejudice ideas! After dealing with a lot of narrow mind idiots. I also found myself tire of talking with people who have that kind of ideas. And Sometimes, just sometimes, I think, may be we should just let the narrow mind idiots get together and date each other, so thay will not pollute the open mind population!

  6. White women who do not want to date Asian men are generally loathe to date other non-white men. It all comes down to privilege rather than racism per se. If a white woman marries a white man her kids will get privileges that non-whites can only dream of. Top among the white skin privilege is the privilege of playing whitewashed roles in Hollywood….Yellowface, brownface, etc. If you are a non-white you do not get to play white roles, while the reverse is true. With that kind of privilege which white woman will not want to marry a white man!

  7. Seriously, based on experience and observation, having a chip on one’s shoulder–a thinly-disguised contempt for those who simply exercise their right to date and marry who they choose and to exclude anyone for whatever reason, that is one thing that can make a guy very unappealing to women–of all races….

  8. Open contempt is exhibited by folks who say that it is a preference to date and marry based on skin color. Others are only reacting to it. Sure there are preferences and there are always reasons for these preferences. Whites prefer to date and marry whites, mostly due to the privilege it gives their children. It is the contempt of some (most?) white folks who say it is a preference made them vote for Trump. Not economic or other reasons. And people like me and others like me rightfully have contempt for folks who exercise their right to date and marry based on skin color or vote for Trump. In particular, I have utter contempt for white women who voted for Trump after all his sexist shennanigans. If you are a non-white not having a chip on your shoulder is not going to make the guy appealing to these racist women. Not having contempt for these racist white women who believe this nonsense and who likely voted for Trump is not going to change anything either. In fact, these are the kinds of people who have made DC a mess that it is today!

  9. How is it “open contempt” to suggest that it is a “preference” to “date and marry on the basis of skin color?” Also, who came up with the idea that “Whites marry Whites” because of the “privilege that confers to their children?” If that is the case, then what of those White men and women who have non-White spouses/significant others? Do they, therefore, deprive their children of any claimed “privilege?” Seriously–and I’ve said this before, prior to “revisiting” the AMWF “scene” earlier this year, it never dawned on me that I would encounter such views within related blog posts and comments…..

  10. Yes it’s the same for every women regardless of race or country. For some odd reason many men believe that they own women from their own race, which is a disgusting mentality.

    Chinese women who are with White guys in China, such as myself, constantly get asked why they are dating a laowai, or told that “laowai are not reliable” by people who should rather mind their own business.

    What I believe is that only love matters, it does not matter which races, and when two people love each other, it’s no one else’s business or right to judge.

  11. It’s all about different standards in Asia and the west. But i never rely on theory. We have billions of Asian compared to non Asian people and the only men that always look for wives in poorer countries are white men. Meaning? It’s hard for them to get their own women.

    1. Years ago, I came across reports of Russian women–usually based in Siberia, marrying Chinese husbands, supposedly for financial reasons….If true and I have no reason to doubt it, that would appear consistent with patterns showing that women have this tendency to “marry up” in order to improve their financial status and those actions cut across racial/cultural/ethnic barriers. That would also shoot down the assumption that “only White men” seek women in “poorer” countries as there is also increasing evidence of Chinese men seeking wives elsewhere, especially in Southeast Asia, partly as a result of China’s one-child policy that has reduced its female population to where eligible men outnumber available Chinese women.

  12. I’m so tired of hearing this too… Do you know what else I’m sick of hearing? “Oh wow so you’ve got yellow fever! You’re such a rice queen!” “Aren’t there any white guys where you live?” “You’re using them to improve your Chinese right?” “Are all asian men bad in bed?” Ughhhh.

    People constantly ask me why I date asian men and I want to ask them
    “Why do you date men?” And most likely get this response : “Well that’s a bit of a silly question…”

    I rest my case.

    Most of the time though, what hurts most is how other asian women and men look at me when I’m with an asian man. Sometimes I feel like they think I’m not good enough; judging by their facial expressions. Other times it’s with awe, confusion or hostility.

    Yet, no-one bats an eyelid when they see a western man with an asian woman.

    So it’s not just westerners that get this attitude so wrong but in fact pretty much ANYONE.

    What could be more wonderful than a mixture of 2 very different cultures, races, backgrounds coming together?

    1. Thank you britishlass! I love your response of asking why they date men, it’s very apropos.

      It is indeed wonderful when people from different cultures, races and backgrounds can come together.

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