A flower that blooms straight from a bare branch, in the coldest days of winter, sounds like a dream. And yet, this reality has unfurled all around us in its late winter splendor here in Hangzhou.
Plum blossoms always cast a spell on me, no matter how many times I’ve witnessed their winter miracle. It’s not just the beauty of their blooms, which perk up the drab winter landscapes with their stunning colors, especially magenta and carnation pink. It’s also the way they perfume the air with their sweet, delicate fragrance that soothes your weary soul with the promise that, soon, warmer days will come.
In China, people talk of plum blossom spirit. If a flower can weather the winter cold, then surely we can endure hardship — and find ways to thrive.
At a time when we all long for winter to end, the plum blossom emerges as a much-needed seasonal friend.
These days, as I walk outside to enjoy the plum blossoms, I will remember that hope blooms, even in winter — and that some of the most beautiful things in life are willing to brave the cold.
Before Chinese New Year, neatly folded pairs of red clothing occupied a prominent position in my closet, and in my drawer lay a pendant in the shape of a pixiu, a mythical beast that confers protection and prosperity on its wearer. But, I had asked myself, was I ready for the coming Year of the Snake, my Chinese zodiac year? Would these auspicious items help shepherd me through this period in safety?
I grew up in Cleveland in the United States, where the Chinese zodiac was little more than a curiosity I encountered on place mats at Chinese restaurants while waiting for orders of spring rolls, fried rice and sweet-and-sour pork. But living in China has schooled me in the customs surrounding the Chinese zodiac, including warding off bad luck in one’s benmingnian, or Chinese zodiac year, by wearing red clothing or a special talisman.
China Daily recently published my column titled Wonders of Wandering off Beaten Path in Zhejiang, detailing some of the delightful hikes Jun and I have discovered in the province. Here’s an excerpt:
On the summit of a mountain over 1,000 meters high in a Zhejiang nature reserve, I glimpsed a work of art on the horizon. Beyond the outstretched boughs of Huangshan pines, silhouettes of mountain upon mountain were painted across the sky in striking blues and grays. The scene belonged in a museum, yet it hung in the sky before us, challenging every notion I had of what a mountain should look like in nature.
How did we encounter such an extraordinary view on a trail so ordinary that it was largely empty, even on this holiday weekend? In the three-plus hours we spent hiking there that day, we saw only four other small groups of hikers. The trail wasn’t even marked on the maps; we wouldn’t have known it existed, had we not passed it during a drive in late January earlier this year. Yet, somehow, this forgotten place possessed a quiet magic of its own, revealed in resplendent moments that took us by surprise.
Head on over to China Daily to read the full piece. And if you like it, share it!
Ruth Silbermayr-Song, the author of the blog China Elevator Stories, was separated from her children in 2019. In 2020, all contact to her children was cut off by her ex-husband, as detailed in an interview on this blog.
Ruth asked me to share an update about her situation:
A few days ago, the court in Austria has declined my request for receiving sole custody of my children and has declined my request to see my children in their summer holidays. I have been allowed a call with my children two days a week, which is much less than the daily calls I have requested. (I have appealed the decision on January 23rd).
My children are not being protected from abuse, and in my opinion, the court’s decision is in violation of basic human rights, such as parents being allowed to parent their own children and being allowed to see their children.
Ruth has created a Change.org petition in German, which calls on signers to back the following text:
I support Ms. Ruth Silbermayr-Song, BA, in obtaining sole custody of her children, Emil and Nino Silbermayr-Song. I speak out against the protection of fathers who abuse their (ex-) wives and children mentally, emotionally, and in other ways, and endanger their children’s well-being. I support the victims (the mother and the children), not the perpetrator (the father).
The photograph that greeted me at the entrance to a special exhibition at the Cleveland Museum of Art had a startling familiarity.
The water bristled with the umbrella-like leaves of lotus plants, a grand gathering of bright green parasols under the summer sunlight. Behind them, the gentle slope of a long stone arch bridge balanced a white car and a handful of pedestrians. Willow trees bowed before the shoreline, while a mountain silhouette traced the horizon.
Excitement stirred within me as I realized I had gazed upon that lotus field, walked that bridge, wandered under those willows, and hiked those mountains. “Look, that’s the West Lake! That’s in Hangzhou, where I live!”
I lingered before the image, sharing my amazement with the family members who had accompanied me — my father, stepmother, uncles and aunt — and with a volunteer at the museum.
How did my hometown of Cleveland, Ohio, just happen to lead a special exhibition titled China’s Southern Paradise: Treasures from the Lower Yangtze River with a photograph from my adopted hometown in China?
Read the full piece online — and if you like it, share it!
Over four and a half years. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve been back to the US.
As I prepare to return to the US for a short visit, the staggering amount of time that has separated us looms before me.
I never thought I would be away for so long. Years ago in the US, I often heard stories from Chinese students, of how their visas — and the potential to be denied re-entry to the US during their studies — snuffed out any plans of heading back to China. I remember being shocked to hear that they hadn’t seen their family and friends back home in three or four years.
One year of absence, give or take a few months, was about all I could bear when I first came to China. And once, while working in Shanghai, the one and a half years I ended up waiting to see my family already tested me, and left me aching within.
But since then, life has schooled me in the many ways that the best laid plans — such as regular, yearly international travel to see family and friends back home — can be dashed. Maybe circumstances have rendered the price tag for an international flight far beyond your tight budget. Or a pandemic dashes any further hopes of flying back home.
Being grounded for four and a half years reminded me that international travel is a privilege, not a right.
Now that I will travel home to the US very soon, it feels more like an imaginary story, rather than reality. How do you make up for all that lost time in just a short couple of weeks? What can you say to someone you haven’t seen face-to-face in over four years?
The pure pink resilience of the lotus blooms dazzled us on our late summer walks this year in Hangzhou, including by the city’s renowned West Lake.
Generations of Chinese have admired the lotus as a symbol of purity, as it emerges from the mud underwater without stain. I admire the shades of pink — from light rose to a deep flamingo — in these delicate flowers, which shine even brighter under the intense late summer sunshine, and offer some aesthetic consolation for those brave enough to endure the heat and humidity to gaze upon their beauty.
As summer draws to a close, I’m sharing a few of my favorite photos from strolls beside Hangzhou’s West Lake.
This corner of the West Lake bristles with lotus plants and their blossoms, growing upright toward the brilliant sun beside a pavillion.Up close, the lotus blossom appears as delicate as a porcelain tea cup.I couldn’t believe how tall the lotus blossoms were — some almost rivaled my height!Nature painted an almost flawless landscape that afternoon at the West Lake.The lotus plants and blossoms blanketed entire corners of the lake, with such lovely scenes to savor for both Jun and myself.
What are your favorite flowers of the summer? Where do you go to enjoy them?
So with the advent of ChatGPT, I wondered if the widely acclaimed AI chatbot could offer new insights and perspectives into this question. And I was largely underwhelmed by the answer:
There are several factors that may contribute to the relatively low number of couples consisting of Chinese men and Western women:
Cultural Differences: Cultural differences between China and Western countries can make it difficult for couples from different backgrounds to understand each other’s values and ways of life. This can create communication barriers and make it challenging for the couple to form a strong connection.
Stereotypes and Prejudice: Stereotypes and prejudices about each other’s cultures can also create barriers for couples from different backgrounds. For example, some Western women may have negative stereotypes about Chinese men, which can make them less likely to consider dating or marrying someone from China.
Language Barriers: Language barriers can also be a factor in forming relationships between people from different countries. If one or both parties are not fluent in each other’s language, it can be difficult to communicate effectively and build a strong relationship.
Social and Family Pressure: Social and family pressure can also play a role in relationships between people from different cultures. In some cultures, there may be social or familial expectations that individuals should marry within their own cultural group, which can make it difficult for couples from different backgrounds to form relationships.
It’s important to note that while there may be fewer couples consisting of Chinese men and Western women compared to other combinations, there are still many successful and happy relationships between people from different cultural backgrounds.
Of the three answers, only one made sense to me: stereotypes and prejudice. As I wrote before:
“Years of pernicious stereotypes have branded Asian men as emasculated, weak, asexual, and even too small in a certain department—essentially, editing them out of the most eligible bachelor pool.”
And Chinese harbor their own set of stereotypes about Western women — as the seductress or a casual lover, who could never accept a Chinese way of life.
The other three reasons, however–cultural differences, language barriers, social and family pressure–felt a bit out of place, as if the chatbot had hastily pasted them in. After all, if these cultural differences, language barriers, and social and family pressure were truly a problem, why weren’t they hindering the number of Chinese women and Western men pairing up? I may concede that cultural differences and social/family pressure can differ between genders, but I doubt these were enough to sway the skewed coupling in reality.
And sure enough, when I asked ChatGPT why there were so many couples of Chinese women and Western men, the answer betrayed its shortcomings in understanding cross-cultural relationship dynamics:
There are several factors that may contribute to the relatively high number of couples consisting of Chinese women and Western men:
Cultural Differences: While cultural differences can create barriers for some couples, they can also be a factor that draws other couples together. Some Western men are attracted to Chinese women because of their unique cultural background and traditions, which can be seen as exotic and alluring.
Gender Imbalances: In China, there is a well-documented gender imbalance, with more men than women due to the one-child policy and cultural preference for male offspring. This can make it more difficult for Chinese men to find partners, while Western men may be seen as a more viable option for Chinese women.
Economic Factors: Some Chinese women may be attracted to Western men because they are perceived to have more economic stability and opportunities compared to Chinese men.
Language Ability: Western men who speak Chinese fluently may be more attractive to Chinese women because it can facilitate communication and understanding between the couple.
It’s important to note that while there may be many couples consisting of Chinese women and Western men, these factors do not apply to all couples and there are many successful and happy relationships between people from different cultural backgrounds.
Right, ChatGPT — so the “cultural differences” that tear some people apart will bring others together? This answer struck me as a veiled attempt to cite fetishization of Chinese women without actually using that term.
What do “gender imbalances” have to do with this? ChatGPT, in case you haven’t noticed, a similar phenomenon exists around the world — lots of Asian women and Western men, compared to fewer Asian men and Western women.
While I’m willing to concede the third reason (economic) might have some traction, the fourth, language ability, seemed laughable. How many times have I seen Western men, who could utter little else beyond “Ni Hao” and “Xie Xie”, with a Chinese woman at their side? Besides, plenty of Western women have mastered Chinese, which hasn’t necessarily translated into more couples.
ChatGPT offered little insight into the dynamics in Chinese/Western relationships, but it did teach me something: AI still apparently has much to learn about race, ethnicity and culture, and how it plays out in relationships and marriage.
For years, I’ve celebrated International Workers Day, May 1, here in China, an annual public holiday. But it was only recently that I learned the curious US connection — that in fact, the US labor movement prompted this holiday.
If you’re an American like me, accustomed to having Labor Day fall in September, this might come as a surprise to you too. Growing up, nobody educated me about the US history associated with the origin of International Workers Day.
Those of you who have studied the US labor movement probably recognize the 1886 Haymarket Affair, when a bomb exploded just as the police were breaking up a labor protest rally ignited by a nationwide push, which began May 1, for the eight-hour workday. Years later, at an international labor conference in Paris, an American delegate proposed setting aside May 1 as a day to remember this injustice.
For years, half of the American Labor movement observed May 1 as Labor Day, while the other half observed the first Monday in September. After the Russian Revolution the May 1 date was mistakenly associated with communism, and in a protest against Soviet policy, May 1 was first proclaimed Law Day in the 1960’s.
It wasn’t until I came to China that I discovered “May Day” and “International Workers Day”. It remains among the most important holidays of the year, and many here use the opportunity to travel, gather with friends and enjoy the spring weather by going outdoors.
What do you think about this? Are you surprised by the US connection to International Workers Day? Do you think Americans are missing out by celebrating Labor Day in September, instead of May, like here in China?
Blogging has introduced me to a host of original and compelling voices, including Ruth Silbermayr-Song, the Austrian creator behind China Elevator Stories.
Ruth built a following by distilling casual encounters and conversations in her daily life in China into fascinating blog posts, which also offered glimpses into her courtship with and eventual marriage to a local Chinese man. Over the years, readers like me followed the adventures of her seemingly perfect cross-cultural family with two lovely kids.
I never imagined that behind the scenes, a darker story was unfolding — of devastating domestic abuse and deceit by her husband, who eventually cut Ruth off from their two children. She hasn’t seen her kids in person since July 2019, and lost all contact with them in July 2020.
I support Ms. Ruth Silbermayr-Song, BA, in obtaining sole custody of her children, Emil and Nino Silbermayr-Song. I speak out against the protection of fathers who abuse their (ex-) wives and children mentally, emotionally, and in other ways, and endanger their children’s well-being. I support the victims (the mother and the children), not the perpetrator (the father).
I’m honored that Ruth offered to do an interview with me, to share her harrowing story. Read on to learn more about her plight.
Your blog, China Elevator Stories went offline in 2017. Can you tell us a little about what happened?
My ex took my blog China Elevator Stories from the web in 2017 without prior notice. I put it online again in 2022 after my sister sent me a link to the archived articles. My blog only recently got hacked—I believe by my ex-husband—since he was the one who took it offline in 2017 and I apologize if my blog doesn’t work properly at the moment. I’m currently working on resolving this issue.
Pictured are Ruth (far right), along with her husband, two children, and the kids’ grandparents.
Many of your readers may remember you were happily married to your husband. Could you talk a little about the end of your marriage and what happened in regard to your children?
I didn’t write about the downsides of my marriage on my blog – which were plenty. My marriage was filled with horrific abuse. By the time I had become pregnant with my first son in Shenzhen in 2013, I had heard, not only once, from my Chinese husband, that he’d have me killed if I ever left him, or if he ever found me with another man. In 2018, we agreed we’d move to Austria by the following year. I originally believed him when he said he wanted us to move to Austria so our children could grow up in Austria, which was something I insisted on, considering how bad air pollution is for a child’s health, how much pressure children are under who go through the Chinese public school system, how little play they get, and the fact that health care in China is much worse than it is in Austria.
You then moved to Europe to prepare for his residence permit in the summer of 2019, having to leave your children behind with your husband because he didn’t allow you to take your children with you, is that correct?
Yes, it is. I moved to Europe in July 2019. I had agreed with my husband to reunite with our children within a time frame of 4 months. He never planned to join me in Austria with our children, though, and deceived me into separating from my children forever, only I did not know it at that time. By the time he told me he’d send our children to a Chinese public school and would not come to Austria with them, it was already too late for me to fly back to China. Soon after, COVID started, and foreigners were not allowed to enter the country. By July 2, 2020, he broke off all contact between me and my children and I have not seen them since. I do not know their whereabouts, what school they go to, which documents they are on, how their health is, or how they are doing.
What were some of the problems you ran into trying to re-establish contact?
I have been fighting to re-establish contact with and see my children for almost 3 years now. In these past years, I had to realize that discrimination against women and mothers is just as extreme in Austria as I have experienced it in China. Austria has been regressing in this regard in recent years. It took me years of having to deal with authorities and courts on a regular basis to realize how bad the actual state of discrimination against women in Austria currently is.
In one of your articles, you write you have been through a lot of victim blaming. Could you share more about it?
I never knew how bad victim blaming could get until I found myself in an abusive marriage and having to deal with one of the worst things that can happen to a mother – having her kids taken from her by deceit, without having done anything wrong and with very little chance of ever seeing them again. The last time really bad victim blaming took place was when I had contact with child protective services in Austria which should have supported me in my fight for sole custody of my children but discriminated against me instead. I have been shocked when I found out that child protective services often act in favor of the abusive, unsafe parent.
Another occurrence was when a public ombudsman I was having contact with sent me various excuses about why they would not help me, including that the Chinese dad now seems to have obtained sole custody, which was not the case, even when it was clear my children were being abused by their Chinese father and that Austrian child protective services were discriminating against me, punishing me for what my children’s dad and his family had done to me and my children. The secondary victimization I have experienced at the hands of authorities, child protective services, and the court has been severe, to say the least.
I find myself having to argue over basic human concepts I consider should be common sense and easy to grasp, simply because people I meet are favoring men and seniority or seek dominance over women. It almost forces you to become a feminist, even if you are not into politics, simply because you were born female.
Have you encountered similar issues in the past in Austria?
Not in the way I do encounter them now. I remember having these problems in China, and in my marriage, but have not encountered them in Austria to such a large extent in the past. Whenever I do speak my mind these days, I usually find myself being punished for it. I find it hard to deal with a society like this and don’t particularly enjoy living in the restrictive country Austria has turned into, within a society that self-censors and oppresses opinions that diverge from the majority opinion that has been indoctrinated into people these past few years.
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