Chinese friend | Speaking of China

Ask the Yangxifu: Showing Chinese Men You’re “Not Interested”

A woman holds her hand up, as if to say "no thanks" — How do you show a Chinese man you're just not that into him? Jocelyn offers some ideas to show, not tell, that you're nothing more than friends.

No Chance asks:

There’s a Chinese guy at my work who I’ve hung out with, but I never considered us more than just friends. I was about 60% sure that he liked me, but for various reasons I had my doubts.

One night, a seemingly casual dinner ended up being (apparently) a date. After reading some of this site, I realize that apparently I’ve been pretty ignorant of Chinese culture and how he probably has seen all of this as dating. (I’m an American woman.) He did later confess his feelings for me, and told him that I wasn’t interested in anything more than friendship. I’ve been pretty upfront with him about how I feel, and he claims that he doesn’t feel led on, but I think he thinks that I’m suppressing feelings for him. Because I still have a lot of respect for him, I want to be sensitive to his confession, but how do I show him that there really is no chance? I feel like he is not listening to me or doesn’t believe me. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Showing Chinese Men You’re “Not Interested””

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Ask the Yangxifu: Meet Chinese Men After Online Chat?

Online chat in China — What's the motivation for Chinese men to meet foreign women online? And should you meet up with him alone? (photo by Michaela Kobyakov)

ChatGirl asks:

Some of your advice to get out there and meet people led me to putting up an ad on a Chinese website. About 60 people added me to QQ in the last two days!

There is someone I have been speaking to from online that I did a video chat with and I really liked him but he is in Shanghai and wanted to meet in Hangzhou but I felt unsafe going to a city I don’t know so well with no other friends there to meet a stranger.

I hear a lot of bad things about online dating in China, that not so many Chinese do it. I was actually only looking for friends and not boyfriends or to fall in love or anything like that but I can’t imagine the men I meet will have the same expectation. And then maybe some are just contacting me because they think foreign women are easy?

So my question is: what do you or John think the motivation is for Chinese men contact girls on such a website? Do you think there is any chance for a geniune person to be looking for not just an English teacher or a ticket to another country or amusement because you are different? And is it safe to meet someone without friends present even if they look harmless (and cute)? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: Meet Chinese Men After Online Chat?”

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How China Made My Clothing Cuter

Cute clothing from China — Before I went to China, I never believed in wearing cute pastels. But after living in the Middle Kingdom, adorable outfits slowly creeped into my wardrobe, and changed forever just how I saw clothing (photo by marco microbi reckmann)

Before I went to China, I couldn’t even remember the last time I wore a pastel. I’d exorcised everything pale pink and peach from my closet, instead preferring the deep, scruffy olives and maroons and blacks of my thrift-store wardrobe. No one would mistake me for some prep princess, ever.

But over the years, pastels started creeping into my wardrobe. It started with a T-shirt here, a tank top there. And before you know it, I’m wearing an outfit — just as I did yesterday — that would leave the old me screaming in horror: a cheerful pastel striped knit tank with blinding white cargo shorts (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!).

China changed me.

I’ll never forget my first full day in the Middle Kingdom. I dressed in my usual, defiant clothes — a military green knit top, and don’t-mess-with-me khaki shorts, baggy (just to make me look even more dominant) — as I flitted from one famous Beijing site to another: the Forbidden City, Beihai Park, Tian’anmen Square.

But as I wandered around town, I couldn’t help but notice the young Chinese women — and what they wore. Continue reading “How China Made My Clothing Cuter”

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Ask the Yangxifu: The Word “Love” and Chinese Men

"Love" written in neon orange and pink — If a Chinese man tells you "love" or "love you," does it always mean what you think it does?

Confusedoverlove asks:

I am an American girl living in China and feel extremely confused about this one Chinese guy I started spending time with. I started developing feelings for him, but tried to keep my feelings to myself because it was so hard to read him and tell if he really liked me. He treats me just like a regular friend for the most part, and most of the time if we spend time together, it’s with other people. But recently I noticed he’s been signing e-mails to me with “Love”. His English isn’t perfect but it’s not bad and I just keep wondering if this really means something. What do you think? Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: The Word “Love” and Chinese Men”

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Ask the Yangxifu: How Chinese Men Can Approach Western Women in China

Xiaoheng asks:

Are there any good suggestion on Chinese men how to approach western women? I think I need some advices which are useful for stengthening the communication, understading and respect between two persons from different culture and nationality. Especially I consider that respect the personality is very important to strengthen the relationship between Chinese men and western women. Because, Chinese culture are basically collectivism and western culture are individuallism. Multiculture communication is very important in this part, because I am interested in the multiculture stuff. So that would be very helpful. How do Chinese men respect the western women? I am currently in this situation of looking for my love and look forward to your suggestions. Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: How Chinese Men Can Approach Western Women in China”

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Chapter 78: Chocolate and Forgiveness

Broken chocolate — I brought my Shanghai neighbor chocolate, as a token of forgiveness, but never expected her to come back with her own sweet reply (photo by Zsuzsanna Kilian).

One evening in mid-October, 2003, I visited my downstairs neighbors, bringing some fine chocolates and a little forgiveness over that stolen bicycle. Only the wife was there, but she welcomed me in. “Come in, please have a seat and enjoy yourself,” she said in Chinese, with her heavy Shanghai accent, motioning towards the couch inside.

“I hope you like the chocolates. I picked them up in the US during my trip back home,” I explained, handing them over to her.

She looked at the packaging, covered in the English she couldn’t read or understand, and smiled at me as she accepted them, and set them aside.

And then she set aside her usual pretenses, and said the last thing I expected to hear. “I’m really sorry about the bicycle. Continue reading “Chapter 78: Chocolate and Forgiveness”

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Chapter 75: Buying Amway in China

Amway Shop in Sanya, China — My friend Chris had completely bought into Amway as a way of life, when he began working as a sales rep for them. But while I bought Amway vitamins, I wasn't buying his sales pitch. (photo by HNPIX from Wikimedia Commons)

“I’ve discovered a new confidence and joy,” exclaimed my Chinese friend Chris, who I also visited during my trip to Hangzhou in August 2003. He spoke with all of the passion of a born-again Christian pastor. Except this wasn’t about finding religion — it was about finding Amway.

I don’t know just how Chris went from masters studies in Chemistry to layman’s studies of direct sales. He had finished a year of graduate school at Zhejiang University, one of the country’s top ten schools, and presumably had two more years. Yet, here he was, in a dress shirt and tie, passing out Amway business cards — and demonstrating their products as if this was a sales call, instead of the friendly meeting over tea.

“Here try this,” he said, passing around an Amway hand moisturizer. “The glycerin and honey makes your skin feel softer and smoother than any moisturizer I’ve ever used.” My Chinese friend Caroline — the one who had been a matchmaker to John and I over a year ago — raised an eyebrow at me, and looked as if she was stifling laughter.

But it was no laughing matter to Chris. Continue reading “Chapter 75: Buying Amway in China”

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Chapter 74: F@lun G0ne

664559_21620051 — During a reunion lunch with one of my favorite former Chinese coworkers, Jane, I discover she's gone over to F@lun G0ng -- and hopes John and I will too.

In late August 2003, John and I returned to Hangzhou to reunite with our friends — including my former Chinese coworker Jane.

This was the same “almost vegetarian,” sprightly young twentysomething with a zen chime ringtone, and a grin that could breath even a little humor and grace into the ultra-serious “technical room,” where the two of us used to work. Jane even worked her own hours, and wore edgy outfits, defying the usual “good-girl” pastels most Chinese women wore. Jane reminded me that, even in China, there are girls who just want to have fun — their way. My inner feminist adored her.

If only this were the same Jane I’d known. That day, she served up Hangzhou-style, stir-fried veggies — and a surprise helping of F@lun G0ng. Continue reading “Chapter 74: F@lun G0ne”

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Chapter 73: Finding Friends in Unfriendly Shanghai

Typing on a black computer keyboard — When my computer needed fixing in Shanghai, I discovered a helpful -- and friendly -- face from the most unlikely person: a computer-chat addicted, shy Shanghai college kid.

In the city of Shanghai, undulating with more than 17 million people, you still can feel lonely. After being here for over five months, I still didn’t feel like I had the same reliable, warm friendships that I remembered from Hangzhou. I had the company of John, my Chinese boyfriend, but I wanted other people, new friends, to share my life with. Some say that’s the flavor of Shanghai — a snobbish city that brands any non-Shanghainese as outsiders.

But not everyone in Shanghai snubbed John and I, as we discovered a kindly soul in the son of our downstairs neighbors, born and raised in Shanghai.

We didn’t know much about this young man, at first. He spent his evenings on the computer, using a popular Chinese chat application called QQ — the arrhythmic chirp like a vital signs monitor, reminding us, begrudgingly, that he was still around. If anything, it was an annoying reminder. He often stayed up late, blaring the television downstairs and disturbing our sleep.

But then we discovered another disturbance — internet spam. Continue reading “Chapter 73: Finding Friends in Unfriendly Shanghai”

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Ask the Yangxifu: How to Avoid Dating Dishonest Chinese Men

558914_17615479 — A Western woman had her heart broken, when the Chinese man she loved turned out to be married. How can you avoid dishonest men in China?

Just recently, a reader also shared with me how her friend, a Western woman, was heartbroken by a Chinese man who didn’t disclose his marriage — and pregnant wife.

Ouch.

There’s a saying in Chinese: 林子大，什么鸟都有 (there are all kinds of birds in a big forest). So, it goes for China too: there are all kinds of Chinese men. And some aren’t really looking for THAT kind of love.

The thing is, when it comes to love and dating in China, Western women are no longer in Kansas, as Jessica Larson-Wang writes in this eChinacities article: Continue reading “Ask the Yangxifu: How to Avoid Dating Dishonest Chinese Men”

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